About twenty minutes into my viewing of Tucker Max's movie, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, I accidentally bit down — hard — on my cheek while snacking on some popcorn. Besides the pain of the actual bite, the salt from the popcorn made the cut burn. Blood filled my mouth.

Of course, if you know anything about this movie — based on a book that was based on a blog, each as loathsome as the last — you can probably guess that that sensation was the most pleasant of my viewing experience. Even before the movie was made, the script was being panned by those who'd read it, and everyone knew that when it finally limped into theaters, it would be a horror. But did you know that seeing it might also make you a better person? I'll tell you why:

1. You Will Actually Finish Anna Karenina

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is not very artful, to put it kindly. There's little plot, characters come and go, and motivations are vague and confusing to anyone who's practiced in normal human interaction. The directing is lazy, and the movie's climax — though it hardly deserves such a distinction — is, literally, covered in shit.

Did you know that human beings used to produce great works of art that were also often massively popular, despite being intellectually challenging? It's true! People waited in huge crowds simply to hear as soon as possible what happened in the next installment of Charles Dickens' many novels. People cared enough about Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring to start a riot. Now we start riots over KFC coupons, and the closest some people come to Dickens is Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.

And hey, sometimes trash culture is fun. But seeing I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell will remind you just how un-fun it can be, so make sure there's a bookstore or library on your way home from the theater. Even if you've been momentarily blinded by the film, you can still use the pages to soak up your tears.

2. You Will Call Your Mom to Tell Her You Love Her

You have to wonder what was going through the mind of the actor who actually had to deliver lines like, "You may be able to vote and drive, but you will never be equal," and "Not all girls are sluts, just most of them." Maybe he has a crippling drug habit and needs the paycheck desperately. But what does his mother think when she hears him say those things? (Actually, he probably warned her not to see it.)

Women are treated so badly in this film that I left my seat feeling like I had just spent an hour and forty minutes insulting my mother. After you see this thing, every day will be Mother's Day.

3. You Will Donate Your Body to Science

It can be hard, sometimes, to recognize when you've done something wrong. No one wants to feel like a bad person, and so we become practiced at rationalizing our behavior. But once you've watched this movie, the images seared into your brain like a rancher's brand on a cow's flank will never let you forget: you participated in something awful. You gave money to see a film that celebrated hatred of women, hatred of the overweight, and hatred in general. You and the other people from the theater are bound together now by a shameful secret, like a much more depressing version of I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Because there's no escape from the painful memories of what you've done, you will not be able to pretend any longer that you are a good person. You have stared into the abyss, and Tucker Max has stared back. (And called you a slut.) There's only one way to show penance, and that is by donating all of your organs to dying children immediately.

4. You Will Work as Hard as Possible to Become a Good Person

Because if Tucker Max is going to hell, you'll make damn sure that you won't be there with him.