We measure the debauchery levels of films from Revenge of the Nerds II to The Real Cancun.
Spring Break 2010 is winding to a beery close on Florida’s beaches and pool decks. To commemorate the season, here’s a rundown of Hollywood’s most righteous and radical tributes to America’s horniest rite of passage. We’ll measure the debauchery levels of each entry on a scale of one to five Spuds McKenzies.
1. Where The Boys Are (1960)
Where The Boys Are turns the table on Spring Break conventions by adopting a female point of view. More shockingly still, despite being made in those puritan days of early-1960s America, it included premarital sex. The parents of the nation were surely up in arms when they saw Connie Francis fall for a jazz musician who asks her to “rub rosin on my bow.”
SPUDS COUNT: 1
This film is fun-loving, bold, and sort of bawdy, but there is nary a keg stand or nipple to be seen.
2. Beach Blanket Bingo (1965)
Technically, Beach Blanket Bingo takes place over the summer, but it has to be included here as Frankie, Annette, and all their stupid friends sort of encapsulate “cutting loose” and telling adults to “stick it.” Full of the misunderstandings and love triangles that punctuate Spring Break movies, Bingo throws in a skydiving angle that sets it apart from the rest of the pack. And hey, how can you hate anything with Don Rickles and Paul Lynde?
SPUDS COUNT: 2
…only for that motorcycle crash that ends with the rider landing in the fish tank. Classic.
3. Mondo Daytona (1968)
A good rule to live by: it’s not really Spring Break until Grand Funk Railroad shows up. This docu/rockumentary intercut footage of hippie kids partying down in Daytona Beach with concert clips of GFR and other bands like the Tams, Billy Joe Royal, and the Swingin’ Medallions. Primitive editing tricks simulated a “far out” experience, if you catch our meaning.
SPUDS COUNT: 1
You’d probably find better thrills in a warm can of Schlitz and the carpet stains near your older brother’s bong.
4. Spring Break (1983)
Starring a cast of talented nobodies, Spring Break is the definitive low-budget 1980s beach-themed Porky’s rip-off. A crusty old white guy wants to close down Fort Lauderdale’s most happenin’ resort. Can he be toppled by his own son and a ragtag bunch of college kids? Maybe — if they aren’t distracted by all those teensy bikinis!
SPUDS COUNT: 2
While Spring Break features more than a few naked female breasts, the craziest pool stunt these guys can pull off is diving from the top of a palm tree into the deep end. Yawn.
5. Revenge Of The Nerds II: Nerds In Paradise (1987)
In which our intrepid heroes from the first Nerds film (Louis, Booger, et al) travel to Ft. Laud for a national fraternity conference that’s secretly trying to revoke their membership. Along the way, the bathing-suited geeks meet up with sexy Courtney Thorne-Smith and white-rap comedy sensation Barry Sobel. The most surprising element of Nerds II is how puberty affected Wormser. He’s like eight feet tall in this one!
SPUDS COUNT: 3
This film’s total lack of nudity disappointed us, but they made up for it by driving a tank into the fraternity conference’s pool.
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6. Phat Beach (1996)
Another flick that does not literally take place during Spring Break, Phat Beach nonetheless gathers all the elements and adds some poetry, a dash of Coolio, and far too many dream sequences. Actually, this is one of the few party flicks grounded in a financial reality — the two main characters are pretty much broke from the start, forcing them to lie about being members of the Fat Boys.
SPUDS COUNT: 2
There are plenty of gazongas to be seen, but the guy who created Entourage directed this movie. By law, that prevents us from going higher than two Spuds.
7. From Justin To Kelly (2003)
Who could forget Amateur Beach Singing: The Movie? This stinker swept the 2004 Razzies and torpedoed the career of curly-q “leading man” Justin Guarini. In From Justin To Kelly’s defense, Spring Break romances are often accented by spontaneous group dancing (although rivers of tequila usually prevent the kind of coordination on display here).
SPUDS COUNT: 0
This one makes Where The Boys Are look like Porky’s. If Kelly Clarkson didn’t look so good in a bikini, Spuds would probably be crying.
8. The Real Cancun (2003)
The Real Cancun was the antidote to From Justin To Kelly, offering up all the sleaze that might have kept the latter from flopping. This “reality” film was the first major-studio production to feature non-simulated sex, although nothing outwardly pornographic “pops up” during the proceedings. Cancun also popularized such refined catchphrases as “bandeezy,” “butt-fuck dance fuck,” and “I live here, fuckos.”
SPUDS COUNT: 4
The quintessential boobs, booze, and beach experience for those who live too far away from the ocean. Plus, Snoop Dogg!
9. Club Dread (2004)
The film that brutally sent up Jimmy Buffett, in the form of Bill Paxton’s deliciously dumb Coconut Pete. Club Dread changed things up by adding a murder mystery to the pina-colada-flavored comedy shenanigans. It’s like one of the Scream sequels, except it’s funny in the parts that are supposed to be funny (and scary in the parts that are supposed to be scary).
SPUDS COUNT: 3
Cheryl Ladd’s daughter Jordan is worth the price of admission alone.
10. Reno 911!: Miami (2007)
Cable TV’s silliest cops head to a law-enforcement convention in Florida and — wouldn’t you know it? — a litany of wacky hijinks ensues. Of course, since this was their feature debut, the Reno fuzz had a slightly higher budget. That means they could blow up more stuff, including large sea-dwelling mammals.
SPUDS COUNT: 5
Exploding whales, apple-martini lube, Pee Wee Herman, racial tension, homosexual tension, and that great theme music.
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Spring Loaded – 24 hot photos from Spring Break
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