Sure, House of Cards is a razor-sharp political thriller, but it also features a lot (a lot) of sex. The second season hit Netflix last Friday — and as any devoted binge watcher can tell you, Vice President Francis Underwood (Kevin Spacey), his wife Claire (Robin Wright), and their fellow D.C. operatives have all been busy getting busy.
We’ve listed each steamy, seamy scene chronologically, but if you haven’t finished watching, tread lightly. Spoilers ahead.
Zoe and Lucas have bad sex – Episode 1 (Chapter 14)
The journalists (Kate Mara and Sebastian Arcelus) are mid-coitus when a bored Zoe announces, “Can you finish? I’m good.” A bad omen for the ill-fated couple.
Xander Feng enjoys erotic asphyxiation – Episode 5 (Chapter 18)
We first encounter the shady Chinese billionaire (Terry Chen) while he’s receiving oral sex from a man and a woman — paid $10,000 for their trouble — with a plastic bag over his head. Was there ever a more memorable character introduction in the history of television?
Douglas Stamper hooks up with a waitress – Episode 7 (Chapter 20)
The VP’s loyal chief of staff (Michael Kelly) is doing recon in Las Vegas when he meets a flirty casino employee. Their tryst is unexceptional — that’s sort of the point, considering Doug is hung up on Rachel Posner — but she does rub her soiled panties on his mouth.
Remy fingers Jackie Sharp – Episode 10 (Chapter 23)
The lobbyist (Mahershala Ali) and the Majority Whip (Molly Parker) have been secretly hooking up for some time. In bed one morning, she declines to tell Remy the story of the tattoo on her back. He resorts to enhanced interrogation tactics: namely, fingering her. Jackie’s breathy explanation (“I killed a lot of people in the Army… the pain, it helped”) kind of kills the mood.
Frank gets caught watching porn – Episode 10 (Chapter 23)
This sex doesn’t happen on screen, exactly, but on an on-screen screen. Bodyguard Edward Meechum (Nathan Darrow) catches a glimpse of the action on Underwood’s laptop when the vice president doesn’t hear him knock at his office door — foreshadowing our very next sex scene.
A threesome with Meechum – Episode 11 (Chapter 24)
The actual content of this sequence is (barely) PG-13, but it’s nevertheless the most shocking sex scene in the entire season. After sharing most of a bottle of bourbon with the second lady — and having his injured hand sensually rebandaged by the vice president — Meechum finds himself kissing both Underwoods.
Stamper spies Rachel and Lisa having sex – Episode 11 (Chapter 24)
Poor Doug. Poor, evil Doug. Peering through their apartment window, Stamper is crestfallen when he sees Rachel (Rachel Brosnahan), the object of his
affection obsession, having hot, no-boys-allowed sex with her roommate Lisa.