FMK: July Music
Fuck, marry, kill: Rick Ross, Chris Brown, and Flo Rida. Decisions, decisions.
Ah, fuck, marry, kill. A time-honored parlor game played amongst friends, not unlike charades, or possibly quoits, whatever those are. To further that spirit of boisterous erotically charged debate between chums, we’d like to introduce you to our newest Hooksexup calendar. The rules are simple: three anticipated pop-culture items, three iconic verbs. Allons-y!
Albums Unhelpfully Lumped Under “Indie” Bracket
Dirty Projectors, Swing Lo Magellan (July 10)
David Longstreth’s more esoteric leanings failed to kill the sense of glee that ran through his band’s 2009 breakthrough, Bitte Orca, but since then, he seems to have sucked back into his own head, endlessly re-recording and demoing material. (Though he did team up with Bjork to release another whale-named record, Mount Wittenberg Orca, so there’s that.) When someone's given to tinkering things to death the way Longstreth is, a three-year wait between albums isn't a good sign
Verdict: Kill
Listen: "Gun Has No Trigger"
Purity Ring, Shrines (July 24)
I cannot think of a single that made me want to have sex with a band more than Purity Ring’s “Lofticries,” a haunting, four-minute swath of dreamy electronica and eerily sexy vocals. And the rest of the leaked tracks from the forthcoming Shrines deepened my lust for this two-piece. If the newly-released single “Obedear” (and the attention the band's been garnering over the past eight or so months) is any indication, Shrines is posed to make quite a splash.
Verdict: Marry
Listen: "Obedear"
Fang Island, Major (July 24)
Fang Island describes their music as “everyone high-fiving everyone,” and that’s actually a pretty accurate evocation of the band’s triumphant sound. Fueled by the group's heroic live performances, anticipation has been running high for the band’s follow-up to their self-titled 2010 debut. Energetic and original without being overly brainy, Fang Island make music that, if occasionally exhausting, is always full of energy and excitement, both qualities you want in a good fuck-buddy.
Verdict: Fuck
Listen: "Sisterly"
Albums With at Least One “Club Jam” You’ll Enjoy While Drunk Bracket
Chris Brown, Fortune (July 3)
To paraphrase John Malkovich in Con Air, Chris Brown is "somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty." But, lest my personal opinion get in the way, here's a tweet from Brown about the album's sound: "Dub step records on my album sounding crazy!!!!" Brown later deleted that one — weirdly, he seems to be more embarrassed about leaking details about his album than about beating his girlfriend. Not a good sign.
Verdict: Kill
Listen: "Turn Up the Music"
Flo Rida, Wild Ones (July 3)
While the song “Wild Ones” has — at best — half the party-starting potential of “Good Feeling,” it was used to promote Wrestlemania XXXVIII, and that was the highest-grossing Pay-Per-View event in professional wrestling history. And maybe the Tron motorcycle from the “Good Feeling” video will make an appearance in the parade of videos! Either way, Flo Rida is very muscular, and very wealthy — I feel like he could provide for me.
Verdict: Marry
Listen: "Wild Ones"
Rick Ross, God Forgives, I Don’t (July 31)
Rich Forever was a pretty great mixtape (“Triple Beam Dreams” had a bitchin’ Nas verse), but, of the two singles released from God Forgives, “You the Boss” is… terrible, and “I Love My Bitches” doesn’t live up to the promise of its intro hook. There will probably be a decent single lurking there somewhere, but its chorus will most likely only be remembered as a briefly-trending hashtag on Twitter.
Verdict: Fuck
Listen: "I Love My Bitches"
The ‘90s Are Alive and Well Bracket
Nas, Life is Good (July 17)
Nas’ flow remains dexterous as ever on the tracks that have been released from this album, and the cover (which portrays him contemplatively holding ex-wife Kelis’ wedding dress) hints that he might be taking some cues from Drake’s emotional take on hip-hop. This is Nas' first album after a four-year hiatus, and I want it to be a comeback, I really do. We need fewer Lil Waynes and more Nas… es.
Verdict: Marry
Listen: "The Don"
Soul Asylum, Delayed Reaction (July 17)
As has been the case since mid-1993, I don't really want to listen to "Runaway Train" right now, and Dave Pirner is probably more known for his fling with Winona Ryder than anything else, but go back and listen to Grave Dancers Union. It’s actually pretty rockin'. Anyway, Soul Asylum deserve a shot at something approaching a comeback following the 2006 death of founding bassist Karl Mueller (whose shoes have since been filled by the perennially-for-hire Tommy Stinson).
Verdict: Fuck
Listen: "Gravity"
Toadies, Play.Rock.Music (July 31)
The Texans behind “Possum Kingdom,” were like The Presidents of the United States without the sense of humor. They’re still waiting to be put on the soundtrack for Mallrats 2.
Verdict: Kill
Listen: "Summer of the Strange"
