ohn Cusack and Drew Barrymore, those adorable chameleons of Hollywood. No other actors captured our moviegoing hearts at an early age, and then — amazingly — continued making films. Sure, there have been slight detours (rehab, a Playboy spread, Serendipity), but both have continued to work, nay, thrive. Cusack transitioned from playing adorable dorks in '80s John Hughes comedies to writing and producing his own projects and making out with
Julia Roberts. Barrymore won our hearts with a lisp and a prayer in
, overcame the usual rebellion and coke addiction at age ten, and proved herself to be a diverse and consummate actress. You need only look to the
No other actors have explored such wide expanses of the American psyche, from innocent child, to psychotic, horny teenager, to psychotic, aging puppeteer. In fact, if you're dating today, you're probably dating one of the Thirteen Stages of Cusack, or have found yourself in one of the Thirteen Phases of Barrymore. Is it Hollywood imitating life, or life imitating Hollywood?
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If she is
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Then you're dating
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Advice
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| An adorable shorty, fond of M&Ms, pigtails and her mom. |
Drew Barrymore in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial
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Give her your pet rock. Then insult her and run away. |
| Intense, protective of her family, highly emotional, potentially paranoid. |
Drew Barrymore in Firestarter
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Don't. Piss. Her. Off. |
| Uncontrollably hormonal, with burgeoning breasts, a hidden core of rage and obvious father-figure issues. |
Drew Barrymore in Poison Ivy.
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Don't. Piss. Her. Off. (Attracted to her? Tell her you love her. Trying to break up with her? Change the locks. Check your car's brakes. Your spouse just broke up with her? Check for STDs.) |
| Hot in the damaged psyche/damaged hair kind of way, but still up for anything — from starring in a sex tape, to huffing a little WD40 from under your fingernails — as long as it will keep her man hers alone. Easily enraged if you talk to other women. Like a bank teller, or your wife. |
Drew Barrymore in The Amy Fisher Story.
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Don't give her the keys to your car. Don't mention firearms in her presence. |
| Evervescent, adorable, impulsive and a little flaky. Hung up on an abusive ex. |
Drew Barrymore in Boys on the Side.
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Suggest a cross-country drive. Give her wildflowers. And tequila shots. |
| A privileged, happy-go-lucky beauty queen who tastes as good as she looks and lives in an idyllic community. |
Drew Barrymore in Scream.
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Don't visit her when she's home alone. |
| Pert, sweet and a great kisser, but coasting on the sun-kissed looks everyone's admired her entire life. She feels a secret emptiness but fills the void with shopping, sex and fostering puppies. |
Drew Barrymore in The Wedding Singer.
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Tell her she's all you've ever wanted in this world. Get down on bended knee and ask her to join the Peace Corps with you. |
| A beautiful twentysomething; intelligent, gives great blowjobs. Still clinging to her teenage identity. Tends to wear glitter. |
Drew Barrymore in Ever After.
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Take her shoe shopping. |
| Seriously still clinging to her teenage identity. |
Drew Barrymore in Never Been Kissed.
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Take her to Victoria's Secret. Show her what "real women" wear. |
| A hottie coming into her own, less dependent on lovers to boost her self-esteem (though she still makes sure she's the youngest in her group of girlfriends). |
Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels.
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Let her handcuff you to anything she likes. Just make sure you know where the key is. |
| A former homecoming queen searching for depth, spiritual fulfillment, and thinking about switching from PR to teaching. OR Trying to come to terms with her aging body but jumping the gun by wearing oversized schoolmarm shirts and glasses from an Adam Ant video. OR Has recently developed a crush on Ira Glass. |
Drew Barrymore in Donnie Darko.
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Pour her a glass of moderately expensive wine, light a mildly scented candle, read Pablo Neruda aloud. |
| An on-again/off-again vegetarian with a fondness for knee-high leather boots. Entering her capitalist phase, but easily distracts lovers with the adorable dimples in her cheeks and her ass. She will make out with anyone, which is both one of her best and worst features. |
Drew Barrymore in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, 50 First Dates and Fever Pitch.
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Don't ask to borrow money. Do accept expensive gifts. |
| A fabulous, mature woman finally coming into her own, realizing she is gifted and that her talents are unique. Sadly, men her age won't sleep with her anymore. |
Drew Barrymore in Music & Lyrics.
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Be a hot woman of any age. Or British. |