Silvio Berlusconi is sort of like the southern European version of Quagmire from Family Guy: he's so earnest in his sleaziness and profound lack of decorum that there's something almost kind of lovable about his antics, so whenever he says or does something breathtakingly offensive you just kinda wanna chuck him on the chin and go, "Oh… you." There are, however, two main differences between Berlusconi and Quagmire from Family Guy: a) one is real, while the other is a cartoon character, and b), Quagmire did not serve three terms as the prime minister of Italy. These two seemingly marginal, unimportant distinctions must make Italians pretty damn relieved that Berlusconi is no longer in power when he's quoted saying things like, "girls… women are by nature exhibitionists" while on trial for his infamous "bunga bunga" parties.
While making a rare appearance at his trial last Friday, the former Italian prime minister/unofficial spokesperson for middle-aged man-bronzer argued that the strippers dressed as nuns who allegedly frequented his lavish sex parties (a detail that emerged from the trial earlier this week) couldn't help themselves in his presence, because ya know how it is with the ladies and them wanting to flash their goods at you all the time. He then winked and nudged at male reporters saying, "Amirite? Amirite? Amirite?" before failing to get a reaction and disdainfully clucking, "Whatever, screw you guys, you're probably all gay or something."
After helpfully explaining why science makes all ladies crave his lil' Silvio, Berlusconi then quickly backtracked, telling reporters that the young women dressed in sexy cop uniforms at his mansion were only there for the purpose of "burlesque games." He then went on to insist that reports of wild orgies at his mansion were false, delivering a quote so hilariously absurd that I can only pray to the Lord in Heaven above it's not a byproduct of poor translation:
He insisted that he had hosted "only elegant dinners, and after dinner sometimes we went down to the theatre, my children's former discotheque, where there was an atmosphere of good cheer and affection."
Did you catch that? His evenings with buxom women dressed as nuns and policewomen were merely "elegant dinners," with the occasional "atmosphere of good cheer and affection" at his "children's former discotheque" afterwards. If that isn't the best euphemism for motorboating five or six underage strippers at a time, I don't know what is. Seriously, I challenge you to come up with one. I take back what I said before. Italy, you were damn lucky to have this man in office. The well-documented misogyny, misuse of party funds, and running his country into horrific debt aside, he is a veritable delight.
