Register Now!




        


Those awkward beginnings are why I've historically been reluctant to date. I don't want to have to explain who I am, what I've done. I've found that once the person you're fucking knows you're sexually flexible, their perception of what you have to offer becomes reductive. Which is another thing that makes a threesome so appealing: the rules for what constitutes multiple-partner sex haven't really been written, so any hang-ups I may have when I'm sleeping with someone disappear when that someone is pluralized. The kink and experimentation I dream of in my one-on-one sex life emerges with ease in a threesome. Bondage, exhibitionism, toys — broach the subject in a threesome, and it's on. But with a boyfriend? A girlfriend? Not a chance. Some things are way too personal.

The first time I realized how hard my odd sexual history was going to make regular dating was two years ago. I was in bed with a boy I'd been friends with for a while. We were talking about old roommates, graduation. Out of nowhere, he asks, "Did you ever hook up with Noël and James?"

"No. Why?" I said.

He got flustered while I propped myself up on one elbow, staring him down for an explanation. Maybe he was hoping I'd have a story about something that was hotter than the sex we were trying to have together.

"I don't know," he said. "It just seems like something that would have just . . . happened."

A few months later, he was shocked when, after a party, I turned down his suggestion that we "go join them," unsolicited.
I'm a one-time antidote to a couple's sexual ennui.
"I don't want to fuck them," I said, "I want to fuck you." But his disappointment was palpable, and I didn't, not that night. We broke up shortly afterward.

It was a turning point. The social politics of coupling and self-identification had begun to creep into the picture. And now, I've started to notice that the relationships around me — the twosomes — are more fortified, less porous. The propositions have begun to change. I'll be drinking with a couple, and one of them will nervously chuckle something to the effect of, "Yeah, we were talking about our hypothetical threesome wish list, and you're totally our number one. Isn't that funny?"

These aren't invitations to sexual exploration. They're requests for a favor, wherein I'll be a one-time antidote to this particular couple's sexual ennui: I push from the bumper while they pop the clutch. This doesn't do much for my self-esteem, as you can imagine. Now that I'm older, I can't help but dwell on the possible reasons I've been asked on lots of threesomes, but actual dates not so much.

Part of it is reputation, sure. Part of it's just me placing myself in the likely situations. But there's also that vibe — just as I can sense when a couple is angling for a threesome, they can sense I'm in, too. Even if I don't really want to be anymore. Half of me wants to grow out of this, find a single, solitary person and hunker down for the long haul. The other half can't let go of that ideal, the nostalgia for the time when being the third meant being a significant other.  n°


Hear Caitlin talk about her reluctance to write this essay (plus a bonus threesome scene!) on the Hooksexup Insider Blog.

        
 

10 Comments

really delightful ... nicely done.

ted commented on 04/21

Great article... but maybe poly is the way to go. Some people aren't built for monogamy, and being the unicorn in a threesome isn't the only way to hook up with more than one person...

snm commented on 04/21

good work, c-mac

om commented on 04/21

Ditto on the more 3's than dates. I like being the go-to girl for a variety of things; it makes me feel worldly when someone asks me if I know anyone who can obtain fake passports or if I can find anyone to tie them up and beat them with a hairbrush. I love the intimacy of couples but feel like I lack the honesty necessary for coupling, never mind monogamy. So 3's are awesome. But afterwards when they are going through their usual post-climactic routines that don't have a ready niche for me it can be a bit lonely.

Thea commented on 04/22

can you do this sober? if so, where's the problem? very few people can handle a situation this complex. you can. take joy in it. explore your strengths.

dwp commented on 04/25

really interesting article..

ja commented on 04/25

I think you were on to something when you talked about being sort of a "beacon" for threesomes. Any time people talk about a theme in how people treat them, I always look at body language cues. Perhaps you adopt a more "open" posture when talking to couples. Or maybe you just appear more "closed" when talking to single guys (or girls). Other people pick up on this stuff without even realizing it. My guess is that if what you truly want is a threesome and not a one-on-one, you are going to signal this whether you want to or not.

asdf commented on 05/06

While I can't really relate to the article, I really enjoyed your writing. I think "...I'll be a one-time antidote to this particular couple's sexual ennui: I push from the bumper while they pop the clutch." was especially good.

mp commented on 05/08

hey y'all, i just wanted to thank everyone for the feedback - it's not always easy to pry open your sex life for strangers, but i'm glad to know some folks out in the ether have gotten something out of it. besitos, caitlin

cmac commented on 05/12

I can both relate to the attraction of the threeway and the social awkwardness of presenting it to friends and family. The act itself is a wonderful moment that I'm not inclined to discuss with anyone who isn't part of the act. I'm sure my parents really don't want to hear about my 'deviant' behavior and my SO blasphemous actions. As part of an established couple I am repeatedly pleasantly surprised when our single female friends come to us. The girl talk, apparently, is that we are better as a couple (emotionally and physically) than the single men and women they date. I find that the women that join us do put out a more welcoming energy to us as a couple than they do to singles. Our attitude is one of openness. We don't advertise in any way to anyone blatantly, but we are definitely receptive both as individuals and as a couple. We would gladly form a triad or closed circle if we found the right fit, but it is all about the energy that three people add.

rb commented on 06/26
 

Leave a Comment


Initials




We are ardently committed to free expression, but we do expect Hooksexup visitors and contributors to interact respectfully and responsibly. Blatant expressions of bigotry, sexism or hatred may be constitutionally protected on the street corner, but they're not cool here.


RELATED ARTICLES
Without Ceremony by Lisa Gabriele
How I've managed to avoid getting married for forty years.
Weird Date: The Creepist by Janice Erlbaum
He told me I should be nice.
The Sushisexuals by Joey Rubin
StuffWhitePeopleLike.com revealed the depressing truth about my dating history.
Dealbreaker: The Digital Camera by Arianne Cohen
He wanted to remember every moment. I did not.
Weird Date: The Homeless Guy by Jami Attenberg
We went back to my place.


ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Caitlin MacRae is a writer, artist, craftsperson and snack enthusiast living in Brooklyn. She has contributed to Hooksexup, Babble, Slice, and other titles, a handful of which contain more than one word.


©2008 Caitlin MacRae and hooksexup.com

The Best of Dating Confessions by You
This week: "If I hear the phrase, “He's/she's just not that into you." one more time, I'm getting a shotgun.""
Miss Information by Erin Bradley
I haven't been single since I was seventeen and I'm freaking out. /advice/
True Stories: One Night in Bangkok by Duncan Birmingham
As it turned out, my girlfriend and I had different ideas of adventure.
Story of S by Fenton Bailey
When the unstaged becomes unforgettable
. /photography/
New Releases: Film by Scott Von Doviak
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen plus three. /entertainment/
The Greatest Poster of All Time: Farrah Fawcett, 1976 by Jack Harrison
Sex Advice From . . . Marathon Runners by Bianca Merbaum
Q. What's the best way to seduce a marathon runner? A. Endurance is key. /advice/
Celebrity Dossier: Megan Fox by Peter Smith
How to win the Transformers mega-star's heart. /entertainment/