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| Crush of the Week |
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Comedy Central star Dave Chappelle is reportedly "exhausted due to tension, partying and creative differences with the cable channel." While we are sad Chappelle's Show is on hiatus as a result, we are impressed by that stress cocktail. To be fighting with your boss, tense, and still out on the town: this is what we call multitasking. And for that, he is our crush of the week. — Ada Calhoun
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| Quotes of the Week |
"Dear Iraqi women,
From what I've seen on the news, you and your fellow women have been suppressed for some time, and now that you've been liberated it is our thinking that we should spread love and hope. There's no better way to do that than with vibrators." — A report in Harper's about a vibrators-for-peace initiative.
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"Q: What kind of wife would you be?
A: A good one. I'd cook and clean.
Q: What would your children's names be?
A: Paris and London. — Paris "Mother Earth" Hilton to the AP.
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"So she was like, 'You got to have better song choices, and I want to help you do that. I want to look out after you like, like, I'm your mom.' And then she was like, 'Well, more like your sister.' And I was like, 'Okay, cool, cool' . . . And then she was like, 'Well, maybe more like your special friend,'" — Poor, sexually harassed Idol contestant Corey Clark on his lusty tormenter, Paula Abdul.
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"Q: You had sex with animals?
A: Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule." — Anti-abortion extremist and aptly named bestiality-practicioner Neal Horsley on Fox News' Alan Colmes Show.
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"Q: Would you try using vaginal cream to fight wrinkles on your face?"
"A: Yes, I already have. Yes, I'm considering it. Maybe, if I got really desperate. No way." — Oprah Winfrey, described as "stunned, but interested" on WBAL-TV in Baltimore.
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"I should know — I majored in pussyology!" — Overheard this weekend, so help our generation God, on North Seventh Street in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
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"Am I too short to date women?" — Hot on Hotmail asks the tough questions.
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"The worse cases among young women are those in which the disease has advanced so far that erotic thoughts are attended by the same voluptuous sensations that accompany the practice . . ." — According to this website, John Harvey Kellogg invented Corn Flakes to keep people from masturbating.
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| Photos of the Week |
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 President Bush snuggles with a Russian veteran in Moscow yesterday. This is not the first time the President has cuddled Russians. Note how jealous Colin Powell looks in this photo of Bush with Putin.
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The Seven Deadly Sins of Mr. Potato Head. Lust is #2. Via BoingBoing.
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Crazy Britney does her impression of the women of America.
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Yes, new Tom Cruise beard Katie Holmes might have oral herpes, but the real story here is that she actually looks better in glasses.
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| In the News |
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May is Masturbation Appreciation Month!
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Renée Zellweger married country musician Kenny Chesney in a private ceremony. Are we crazy or does every anecdote about the wedding and courtship ("She brought him a margarita — and a kiss — onstage when he was performing in Florida") sound like something out of a chicklit novel?
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A new study reports that ugly children get less attention. How would you like to be one of the kids in the photo accompanying this article?
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Speaking of kids, online casino Golden Palace paid $5,001 for Britney Spears' alleged home pregnancy test. "It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine," a Golden Palace spokesman said.
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We shouldn't enjoy this, but we do: the Star's Bonnie Fuller made the cover of 'tard magazine.
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John Cameron Mitchell's new, sexually explicit movie Shortbus is filming in New York next week and we got forwarded an email seeking "sextras" for the "salon" scene (hosted by Justin Bond of Kiki and Herb), so here's that info:
"There will be 3, possibly 4 shoot days between May 16 and May 27. If you're interested, email [email protected] with a quick self-description, a photo if possible, and a confirmation that you will be available during the aforementioned period." Rumor has it they've got more than enough gay male sextras, though. Way to play into stereotypes, kids.
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| Readers Respond |
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This week, we got several emails from readers who "know for a fact" that Bush is gay, as well as this Virgin Mary Underpass Apparition update from a Chicago reader:
"Did you know someone tried to erase her? Some enlightened individual wrote "big lie" with shoe polish right over the poor woman. The city then had to blot out both the expression and the vision. But she came back! Due to the fact that she's a stain, not a miracle, she came back in all her dripping glory." Hallelujah!
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| Product Placement |
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According to this commercial, Blaupunkt speakers make stuffed animals have sex.
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This unborn baby soldier ornament is the latest in culture-of-life snark products.
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Find your new lover at HotPrisonPals.com. The disclaimers are predictably lengthy and detailed: "We at Hot Prison Pals.Com are not responsible in any event, for any incidental, consequential, exemplary, or any other such damages arising from or relating to your use of Hot Prison Pals.Com. If you wish to find out any information on any inmate, we suggest you contact the inmate's Prison for more details . . ."
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Meet Microdoll, the "world's smallest sex doll." According to Google's pidgin German, "she was adapted anatomically to the male member and permits by her organization a multiplicity of fantasiereichen positions . . . "A special Feeling is secured, if their legs enclose the hodensack. During the rider position it moves around the acorn to stimulate slowly forward. Optionally we can seize ours MICRODOLL products colored (lips, fingernails, nipple hue etc.) manufacture with glass eyes provided and with head and/or shame hair."
"Shame hair!" says Gwynne, our office manager. "How fantasiereichen!"
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| Tabloid Fodder: The What's This Week's Coverline? / Celebrity Gaydar Edition |
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People
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: "Surprise Romance!"
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Us Weekly
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: "Hot New Romance!"
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In Touch
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: "Is Katie Too Young For Tom?"
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Star
Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise: "Are They Faking It?"
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Scanner appears every Tuesday.
Research assistants: Sarah Harrison, Gwynne Watkins, Matt Hickman,
Myung Joh, Adam Kaufman and Andy Duncan.
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