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The new book from McDonald’s spokesperson Heidi
Klum, Heidi
Klum’s Body of Knowledge: 8 Rules of Model Behavior, offers
advice like, “You have to want it, baby” and “Become the fantasy.” Now,
every time we pass a McDonald’s, we remember the line, “become
the fantasy.” And for that she is our crush of the week. — Ada
Calhoun

Paris Hilton visits South Park.

Lindsay Lohan’s Thanksgiving photos are, inexplicably, in a public folder on ophoto.

Aren’t you glad to know there’s a “New England Leather Alliance?” And yet, we don’t particularly feel like buying their second-hand clothes.

Octopus porn has had a remarkably long life. Here are examples from 1814, and today.

Surely there are things in worst taste than the Jest photo series “Beneath the Burkha.”

Oh, here’s one: Britney! We continue to enjoy the Daily Show of Britney blogs, Go Fug Yourself.

“I told him, cheat on me all
you want. If you get caught, I’m going to screw everybody on your
entire team — coaches, trainers, players… Everybody would get a turn. If my husband cheated on me and embarrassed me like that, I will embarrass him more than he could ever imagine.” — Anna Benson, wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson.

“I never knew I’d see so many boobs. At first I was shocked, but now
it’s just like ‘Oh look, there’s another pair of breasts.’” — a
member of the British pop group Busted.

Speaking of which, when did
Christina Aguilera get so stacked?

“The whole town is eager to see your Calvin Klein underwear advertisements. The buzz says they’re hot and that should land some great scripts on your doorstep. This means Hollywood noticed you have breasts again; it wants to see you looking sexy, so stay away from parts where you have to wear a corset or speak with an accent. You are a gorgeous American babe, be proud! Lay off the frumpy parts (like that detective bit in Insomnia) until you’re old and saggy.” So the New York Times’ Felicia Fasano advises Hilary Swank.

Here’s a pitch we got asking us to cover a new self-help book for men:

"The Cry of the Bastard is more than a personal statement
about what it feels like to be a man in the post-feminist era,
though it is certainly that…Chapter 8 : Sexually compulsive?
Sexual Addiction? Come on guys! Only now, when men are being deliberately
feminized, stripped of their normally active male sexual behavior,
would their need for a little extra pussy be labeled as "unnatural" or "physiologically
unbalanced."…Chapter 12: Our own worst Enemy. Caustic attack
and revue [sic] of Rick Marin’s pussy-whipped book Cad, Confessions
Of A Toxic Bachelor.”

Patrice supplemented his resume with a taped rap about the members of the Hooksexup staff, making us feel completely stalked — I mean, special. Here are some of the lyrics:

“My thoughts about Sarah Harrison

Is more than embarrassing

And girls say I’m on some ideal man sh*t

Tell Ada I don’t care

Unless they say it in Sanskrit

I’m too old for all that making the band sh*t

I’m on some freelance sh*t

Measure my cubby in bandwidth

Back to the point

You ladies here in my apartment

[Where] I want you to leave Gear

Like your Michael Martin

And I’m hoping for disrobing

Left a spot open for Tobin”

Hostile or hot: in a kissing scene with Nick Lachey on Hope & Faith, Kelly Ripa wore Jessica Simpson’s favorite lip gloss.

Quiz: Dog Toy or Marital Aid?

Six real — and three fake — chapter titles from the women’s dating manual He’s Just Not That Into You:

1. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out

2. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You

3. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Dating You

4. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Stealing From You

5. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Having Sex With Someone Else

6. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Breaking Up With You

7. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Taken Out a Temporary Restraining Order on You

8. He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Married

9. He’s Just Not That Into You If He Pretends Not To Know You

Answers: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 8: real; 4, 7, 9: fake. — Whitney Lawson

Take an online tour of the new Creation Museum, "where the past comes to life and ancient mysteries are solved…Imagine soaring cypress trees, the sounds of waterfalls and children playing with dinosaurs! What other surprises await?…T. Rex — the real king of the beasts. That’s the terror that Adam’s sin unleashed!"

Gay love scenes injure Jake Gyllenhaal.

According to a congressional analysis, federally funded abstinence programs give students the impression that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, half the gay male teenagers in the United States have AIDS, and touching a person’s genitals can result in pregnancy.

TV stations rejected a public service spot about syphilis that was aimed at gay men.

The Smoking Gun has the police file on the Florida teacher who had sex with a middle-school student. The student gave the cops a description of the teacher’s tattoos, tan lines, and private parts, and drew a diagram of her bedroom.

A shopping-center Santa will have a webcam in his grotto to
overcome parents’ pedophilia concerns.

A United Methodist lesbian minister has been defrocked because of her sexuality.

The Dutch Radiology and Ultrasound Association is accusing an actress of illegal mammography after she posted a mammogram on her website to prove that her breasts are real.

The Canadian government will no longer extend work permits to foreign strippers.

Pamela
Anderson is going to have her own TV show. So is Jerry Hall. If
you want to be Hall’s boy-toy on the latter show, called “KEPT,” you
can see the Craigslist post here. If you want to be on the former, see a shrink.

Anna-Nicole Smith tried to take her top off at the VH1 Music Awards. Her lawyer said it was because she has poor eyesight and couldn’t read the cuecards.

German drink Cock O’Lada is “the first drink out of a cock tube.”

Is it possible that the reason you’re so screwed up is that you read The Lonely Doll as a child?

People

Cover: “Twins for Julia: It’s a Boy! It’s a Girl!”

Information you desperately need: The facts behind Cheers star Shelley Long’s suicide attempts.

Information you’re better off without: “Scarlett Johansson doesn’t seem to mind a canine-to-five job.”

Sex promised/delivered: 4/3. Minus one point for a spread on the “Extreme Makeover lovebirds.”

Us Weekly

Cover: “Exclusive Interview: We’re Not Over! At home for the holidays with Us, the Newlyweds finally answer back. Says Jessica, “We’re blissfully in love.”

Information you desperately need: On the road, Britney stops for more pee breaks than any other star.

Information you’re better off without: “Stars — They Ride the Escalator!”

Sex promised/delivered: 6/6. Predictably gooey romanticism and back-and-fill revisionism from Jessica and Nick.

In Touch

Cover: “Nick’s Jealous! Is Jessica Cheating?”

Information you desperately need: Jessica may be having an affair with “her hunky trainer.”

Information you’re better off without: The name of Julia Roberts’ new baby, Phinnaeus, means “loudmouth” in Hebrew and “oracle” in Arabic.

Sex promised/delivered: 8/9. Plus one point for using Beyoncé’s song lyrics to diagnose her Electra complex.

Star

Cover: “MARRIAGE IN CRISIS!”

Information you desperately need: Brad and Jennifer are on the rocks because she won’t have his baby.

Information you’re better off without: Anthony Kiedis was seen “sporting goofy bangs that an eyewitness says make him look like a girl!” Oh, who are we kidding? That’s important.

Sex promised/delivered: 9/10. One bonus point for the best
headline of the week: “I’d Never CHEAT on Nick!” (Star works magic with italics.)