Fifth Place: The Lady Gag Gag Love Doll
Decked out in a torn fishnet bodysuit a la “Love Game,” with the signature platinum hair-bow that accompanied Gaga through the early days of her quick rise to fame, the Lady Gag Gag Love Doll loves it when you “Poke-her face.” Clearly the copy just wrote itself for this Pipedream product (or rather, Lady Gaga wrote it, which is probably why this doll is no longer for sale on the manufacturer’s website due to copyright issues.)
Appearance: 2/5
While the model on the box certainly looks like Lady Gaga, we can’t find any actual pictures of it. In all likelihood, it looks just like any other creepy blow-up doll.
Thematic execution: 3/5
Again, the wardrobe is spot on and the box is brighter and shinier than a paparazzi flash bulb, but we have a feeling that a sex doll truly embodying the essence of Lady Gaga would do a lot more than just bob up and down on your disco-stick.
Total: 3/10
Fourth Place: Hello Kitty Vibrator
Oh, look, it’s Hello Kitty, friend to Japanese schoolgirls and Mariah Carey, alike. Oh, wait, what’s this little knob do? That can’t be right. Better hide out under my unicorn-themed Lisa Frank duvet and get to the bottom of this.
Appearance: 4/5
Hello Kitty is even holding a teddy bear to make her appear more innocent, which wins points both for subtlety and irony.
Thematic Execution: 4/5
The Hello Kitty vibrator embodies what the brand in known for — creepily cute products that are more popular with grown women than they are with kids.
Total: 8/10
Third Place: Predator Dildo
Are you attracted to danger? Do you have flames embroidered on the bottom of your wide-legged pants? While aliens were giving Arnold Schwarzenegger nightmares, were you having wet dreams about slimy members from another planet? Well, then, become willing prey to the (unofficial) Predator dildo.
Appearance: 4/5
You can tell someone really put some work into crafting those realistic scales on the Predator’s shaft.
Thematic Execution: 3/5
Well, it’s not that scary, but it does seem to embody the manliness of a movie about guys with guns thrashing aliens.
Total: 7/10
First Place [tie]: The Vamp Twilight Dildo
The “unofficial” toy of choice for Twi-hards everwhere, the Vamp comes in “A deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon’s soft glow” and stays cold for a more authentically undead masturbation experience. What’s more, take it out in the sun and it sparkles – just like Edward.
Appearance: 4/5
Human enough to be loveable, preternatural enough to make us stay up way past bedtime.
Thematic execution: 4/5
We’ll admit, we were kind of hoping that vampire dicks would be a little more exciting. But, extra points for attention paid to details, both the temperature and tone.
Bonus: +1
It’s sparkly! Like Edward!
Total: 9/10
First Place [tie]: Guido and Guidette Love Dolls
Riding the slick gel-like waves of Jersey Shore success, the Guido and Guidette Love Dolls are designed to make you stiffer than your blow-out hair-do. A sort of his ‘n hers collection for kids who GLT, it includes a “Jersey Whore” with a convincing bouffant and pylon-orange skin, and a “Juiced-up Gigalo," complete with washboard abs and an, uh, Italian sausage.
Appearance: 5/5
We think the real design challenge here was making sure these blow-up dolls looked as fake as the greasers they’re based on.
Thematic Execution: 5/5
Again, these dolls seamlessly embody the aura of the Jersey Shore gang – easy, plastic, and full of hot air.
Demerits: -1
Does the world really need Jersey Shore-themed love dolls?
Total: 9/10