Growing up, I did my fair share of whining for whatever toy showed up on television. Needless to say, '80s commercials were all about Nintendo and ill-begotten offshoots of Nintendo's games and characters.
I imagine we Canadians are going to have to "share" our fresh water with the US as the world becomes a more desperate place, but the US has already shared their commercials with us, so I guess it's only fair. Though regulations on dirty American television have since become more strict in Canadaland, when I was growing up the lax rules meant we got a lot of ads for products that never made their way up here. So my mom had the perfect excuse for not buying me every little thing: "This is an American station. That toy is only in America."
Do you think she was just trying to shut me up?
One thing I do know for sure is that the Nintendo Cereal System never made its way up here, at least not in generous amounts. No snot-flavoured bits of Mario and Link at my breakfast table, alas, but I was still tormented by knowledge of the cereal's existence. What I didn't know until yesterday is that there was a sequel to the Nintendo Cereal System, based on Super Mario Bros 2 and Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. The blog post, "Errant Nintendo Licensing," actually made me aware of a few batshit Nintendo products that I've never laid eyes on. Knapsacks and cereals (loaded with healthy trans fats) are pretty standard for any licensing agreement. The party plates, on the other hand, are the work of an artist tortured by fantasies that have landed more than one man in a cold cell.
Or maybe the artist was trying to portray King Bowser in a sympathetic light. Is the plumber saving Peach, or taking her away from a illicit love that he's simply too narrow-minded to understand? Is Mario in the employ of Peach's father, who will lock his virgin daughter in a tower until she weaves a rope out of napkin threads and begins a dangerous descent back to hard-won freedom and unquenchable love?
Or is Mario just lifting an eight-year-old Peach from her bed and making off with her? 'cause that's sure what it looks like, here. Worse, Toad seems elated by the whole business. "I get to watch, Mario! You promised!"
Imagine eating a piece of birthday cake at the climax of a fun party and suddenly discovering this image at the bottom of the plate, grimy and sinister with the smear of chocolate icing. I would have burst into tears.
Related Links:
Super Mario World is Terrifying!
Sweet Sassy Molassey! Super Mario RPG on the Virtual Console
Mario Will Not Retire. He Will Outlive Us All