The theme of this episode is: awkward as possible. The phrase "this is awkward" is actually uttered three times, generally at moments where it is incredibly awkward to do so. Hang in there for a second, we need to vent...
We've kind of had it with the overall production of this show. Presumably, they're pouring an obscene amount of money into it, no? They've amassed some of the best writers in the game, and we assume they've got the money to hire quality people to do the other jobs -- why does it feel like every episode is edited by the audio-visual club at our high school? During last night's episode we audibly groaned multiple times, prompting this conversation with our roommate:
Our roommate: What? What is it? Use your words.
Us: This show is costing like a bazillion dollars! We can't get a decent scene transition? It's amateur night at the Apollo!
Our roommate: It's not like your tax dollars are paying for it.
Us: Well, it feels like it.
Okay, end of venting. On to the episode...There's a new girl in Beverly Hills. Kim is both hot and oddly hostile. Plus, there's some sexual tension with Ryan, but we're not sure if we're supposed to pay attention to it because Ryan seems to play every scene that way, even the ones with Principal Wilson.
In health class, they're doing that thing where you divide up into fake couples and carry around mechanical babies for a week. We never actually did this at our high school. Navid gets paired up in a same sex couple, which is funny because we always suspected Navid and Ty would eventually hook up. Predictably, Annie and Ethan spend the episode married and with child -- an exercise that conveniently has them thinking of themselves as a real couple 24-7. It seems like Annie and Ethan aren't even trying to deny the attraction anymore, since druggie drama girl's comment about Annie dry-humping Naomi's boyfriend elicits no response or denial from either of them except to correct DDG for using the word "boyfriend" rather than "ex-boyfriend."
Silver and Dixon spend most of the episode debating the merits of horror movies -- turns out they don't have as much in common as they thought, which is unfortunate since Kelly flew off to see Dylan for two weeks and left Silver with the house all to herself. Honestly, we're not too worried about Dixon and Silver breaking up because it seems like they're the only couple on the show with any real chemistry. Breaking them up would be sort of like spending hours rubbing different sticks together in the woods, and then dousing water on the only two sticks that actually catch alight.
Naomi stages a weirdly emotional intervention about DDG's drug use that feels both forced and over-the-top. These two girls so cannot carry a scene...sorry, we're venting again.
Mrs. Clark and Principal Wilson have a painfully contrived conversation in his office about their long-lost son that ends with Mrs. Clark kissing Harry. Note to the writers: You can't drop a plot line cold for four episodes and then pick it back up again like we've cared the whole time.
DDG and Annie go to the horror movie audition. Annie's just thrilled to be there, but DDG's feeling the pressure and runs to the bathroom to snort her courage up her nose.
Back at school, Ryan runs into Silver in the hallway and starts rambling bizarrely about his post-Kelly dating life. Why is he telling her this? She's 16, and a student. Cut to detention where Kim and Ryan are having the weirdest conversation in this whole weird episode:
Kim: Do you have a girlfriend?
Ryan: None of your business.
Kim: Are you gay? You seem kind of gay.
Ryan: 'Bout as gay as your dad.
Kim: My dad's dead.
Ryan: Your dad's about as dead as I am gay.
Kim: Touché.
Weird. But there's no time to dwell on Ryan's zany teaching style because DDG's going all Twelve Monkeys in the hallway. Just as Naomi starts to take her to task, the LAPD storms the school with drug-sniffing dogs in tow. Hmmmm. DDG panics that she'll lose her movie role if the cops find the cocaine hidden in her lipstick tube. Naomi takes the drugs and walks to the bathroom in the guiltiest manner possible. The cops bust in just as she's shaking a powdery tornado into the toilet. Why did she open it to throw it out? Why did she not flush the whole thing? Naomi gets hauled off in handcuffs, leaving Ryan to yell at Principal Wilson for turning West Beverly High into a police state.
DDG shows up at Naomi's house with her tail between her legs, and agrees to admit that the drugs were hers. She says she'll meet Naomi at her lawyer's office. DDG stops by her house to find her mother waiting with a cake ("It's symbolic. I don't want you to eat it or anything. Calories."), and the news that DDG's movie paycheck will save them from losing their house. Predictably, DDG bails on Naomi and the lawyers, and Naomi's left to contemplate her future as a felon.
Dixon and Silver talk Annie and Ethan into bringing their baby to an outdoor screening of Psycho. Annie and Ethan try to assure each other that it's not a date, while gazing longingly into each other's eyes. Please.
Kim's all up in Ryan's date with a blonde actress who thinks Hollywood's the capital of Los Angeles. Ryan chastises Kim for her inappropriate behavior, Kim tells Ryan to get over himself, and we decide we kind of like Kim after all. Turns out she's actually an undercover narc for the LAPD. Ha.
Dixon and Silver realize that even though he hates horror movies, they'll always have the Ramones in common.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the last ten seconds of the episode are AWESOME. Naomi calls DDG to leave an angry voicemail ending their friendship, while a team of paramedics works over DDG's overdosed body and jam a six-inch needle into her chest Pulp Fiction-style.