Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Simply put: there's never been a better time to be you. Are there any dreams you've deferred, any visions you've pawned for some financial or emotional security? Well, it's time to pull them out of layaway and get on with the gettin' it on. Right now the world is your oyster, and oysters being purported aphrodisiacs, and all, well. . . am I telling you that the stars want you to have your way with the universe? That you are entering a phase of unrivaled ribaldry and sexytimes? Yes, I am. Absolutely. Just make sure not to procrastinate on any major projects this week — unless workin' it pays the bills these days.
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Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Maybe you never played team sports as a kid, but a good huddle is a necessity that lasts long after the pee-wee leagues have ended. After the 5th's new moon, you'll find yourself hunkered down with a certain special co-conspirator, drawing up more battle plans and diagrams than you thought possible. Now's a fine time to indulge your secretive side, so try engaging this current romance with sly whispers, covert notes and drawn curtains. Spy fantasies are highly underrated — and with spring right around the corner, this might be your last chance to bust out the trench coat and fedora for a while.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
It's not just the greenhouse gasses warming things up around here — thanks to some divine nudging between Venus and Pluto, you're gonna feel snuggled up in the toasty blanket of human kindness. Now's an important time for you to figure out the difference between what makes you happy and what's just helping you pass the time, so try on the altruism for a spell. Whether that involves spending more time on your partner's needs or inviting everyone over for an innocent game of Crisco Twister, you'll find that now more than ever you get a whole lot more satisfaction out of giving than receiving.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
There's something to be said for being in the right place at the right time — not only are you a champ when it comes to scoring free stuff, but you avoid falling pianos and banana peels with grace and ease. Venus, Saturn and Jupiter are forming this big old triangle over your head, and much like the musical instrument, most of your efforts will be met with a great big ting! of astrological approval. So put on your rainslicker and embrace this tidal wave of good fortune — you'll be surprised what lovely creatures are lurking just under the surface.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Saturn's been in retrograde since December, but this week it's gonna come correct, sparkling up your love sector like a PTA mom with a Bedazzler and a score to settle. And while your sex life's getting the fancy treatment, the new moon is going to give you the added bonus of feeling comfortable just being you — no strings attached, no frontin'. Of course, the two go hand in hand; you're usually a bit on the modest/shy side, so once you start owning your shimmering personality, you'll find that people will more readily shimmer back in your general direction.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Well, top o' the morning to you too, dear Libra! It's nice to see you all smiley, but I get the feeling you're not just happy to see me. This week's good fortune has put more color in your cheeks than a handle of whisky, and the luck doesn't just stop with the cash-money soon to be spilling into your bank account. No, your long-awaited pot of gold is more proverbial — and has a lot more to do with good old-fashioned screwing. You'll find that, patently ridiculous Irish stereotypes aside, a good orgasm won't be nearly as difficult for you to come by as a certain four-leafed weed.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The new moon this week is going to be heaving the astrological equivalent of the Bat Signal to Jupiter, which is swinging through your communication sector. So while you're busying yourself with getting sprung on spring's arrival, you'll find that now is an especially opportune time to turn your casual situations into more fertile partnerships — it might come in the form of a new arts & crafts buddy or something a little more tawdry, but that's really your call. Whether you end up with a room full of tea cozies or cozying up over tea, you'll not find yourself lacking an entourage for all of your endeavors.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Lately, you've probably felt like everybody's itching to get their paws on you. And while that's usually flattering, sometimes having a million synapses devoted to networking and social obligations makes your brain feel crowded. So to get a little more clarity, you may find yourself taking a lot of mental vacations this week, if not up and skipping town entirely. Going incognito will do wonders for you, especially following the new moon on the 5th. Put on the dark shades and find yourself a nice quiet place to decompress; keeping a low profile will not only give you some room to stretch, but will help in those sneaky people-watching expeditions you're so famous for.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You may have resigned yourself to this dry spell you're slogging through, but fear not, dear one! Pleasure and indulgence aren't just for the glossy pages of chick magazines; this week, they're yours to own. So don't be afraid to get down with your vulnerable, slightly less hard-ass side and have some fun, goofy flings. Pulling yourself out of a rut has never been easier, astrologically speaking, and the world is waiting with arms outstretched for you to come dance on its tabletops and partake of its freewheeling debauchery.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Progress takes time and diligence, not to mention plenty of struggle and this week, with Uranus going all ADHD on your ass, not to mention partying it up with Venus, Pluto and Saturn almost every night, you're going to be in for quite a bit of that good ol' fashioned strife. Think bonnets, covered wagons and the laborious trek of the Oregon Trail. Trust me dude, that shiz was not just a computer game. You think our country was developed in a day? Certainly not, and the only way you're going to achieve your own personal manifest destiny is if you put in the time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Don't underestimate the power of the beer — er, light? — at the end of the tunnel. We know you're a homebody, but this month's outstanding twists and turns just may influence you to march top the beat of a different drummer. A hipper, sassier, sexier drummer. A happy, hyper, life-of-every-party drummer. Don't feel guilty about not being true to thine coach-potato self. . . you're going to be deserving of plenty of celebrations this month. So slap those neon-spackled sneaks on your feet, sprint the last fifty feet of that dark abyss and grab that beer with all the spunk you can. Your half-empty glass is just dying to be half-full.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You like to believe that there's not a single situation you can't wriggle your way out of — or into. And even though your ability to procure fake passports or swing onto rooftops with just a bucket and six feet of rope borders on genius, here's a gentle astrological reminder that you have neither a stunt double nor good insurance, so take it easy this week. The new moon on May 5th is easily going to be the best shakeup your life has seen so far — from bedroom to boardroom, you're finally going to get the break you've been craving. Living on the fly is fun and all, but you'll find that a little security — in your brain and in your wallet — is just what you need to gear up for the next big adventure.
