Miss Information

My girlfriend won't let me go down on her. Is this a dealbreaker?

By Erin Bradley

Dear Miss Information,

My girlfriend is taking a trip to New York City late next month. I can't go because of school and work obligations, so she decided to go with a friend of hers that I've never met. The friend is a guy, but he's gay, so my girlfriend sees no problem. I've never met this guy, and I already don't like him. Whenever they do anything together (every few years), they seem to have a little too much fun. Am I nuts for being upset that she is going on a vacation with another guy, sexual orientation notwithstanding? — Annoyed Boyfriend

Dear Annoyed Boyfriend,

Of course you're not nuts. A little insecure? Definitely. But anyone can be a relationship threat, penis or not. Case in point, what if she goes with a girl? What if that girl's a party girl who happens to be single? You think your girlfriend's not going to ride sidecar in the Great Dick Derby? In that light, the presence of a gay guy whom everyone will assume is her boyfriend might work in your favor. How likely is it that she'll get hit on at the Chelsea Jamba Juice or the men's dressing room at Diesel?

If you're worried she'll be more flirty with him just because he's gay, you need to quit it. Either she knows the boundaries or she doesn't. Besides, what's so terrible about a little controlled titillation? You guys have been together a long time. Are you that insecure? Sometimes people need that little boost of sexual energy. Unless she's the last girl he dated before he switched sides, I wouldn't stress. Instead, ask your girlfriend about whatever's making you nervous (whether it's the sleeping arrangements, what they're going to do, or who they're going to see).

Don't go down the hole I've seen many a jealous partner fall into, which is to pretend everything's okay and then call every night at 2 a.m. to "say goodnight," which is really code for "check up on," and a precursor to a screaming match if she happens to be out having fun, instead of in bed wearing an ankle-length nightie. You can make this very hard on yourself, or you can put it in perspective and enjoy a couple of days of rare alone-time. I hope you do the latter.

Readers, would you be jealous in this situation? Would any of you go so far as to ixnay the acationvay altogether?

Dear Miss Information,

My long-term girlfriend has always been a little inhibited, but lately she's become interested in coitus only. For a lot of guys, this might be a dream, but for me this creates a problem, because there's nothing I enjoy more than lavishing oral affection upon a beautiful woman. It's the only time in my life that I feel I become part of something larger than myself. I live to know that sweet intimacy and to feel that sense of belonging. We've talked about it before and she's half-heartedly agreed to try to be more receptive, but it never seems to take. I don't blame her if it's not her thing. But, while it might be selfish, this is my most important sexual need — and I have to ask myself, is it something I can live with sacrificing for the rest of my life? — Half Sexed

Dear Half Sexed,

That's a question you're going to have to decide for yourself, Half Sexed. I'm not going to say you have permission to cheat just because your girlfriend won't let you go down on her, or that an open relationship is the obvious answer. Your letter doesn't go into whether or not you guys have even discussed that, but to hear a man describe cunnilingus as "something larger than myself" fills my feminist heart with joy. If you do decide to leave your girlfriend, I'm sure you can write one hell of a personals ad.

The only help I can give you is to recommend you keep communicating and keep trying different tactics. Not just foreplay, but during play. Maybe she's not into the way you perform oral sex, but the fact that you're wearing a "GO TEAM VAGINA!" jersey and waving a pennant with big tongue on it makes her afraid she'll break your heart if she says it.

I'd also lower your expectations. Be content that she even lets you between those thighs. If moans and groans are mandatory, then put on some porn or have some music playing in the background. It's not ideal, but it's a compromise. We all do that kind of stuff when we're committed to our relationships.

Still having doubts? Start a pro/con list and see where you land. Is this the only issue with you two? Would you consider yourselves deeply emotionally attached? Are you willing to sacrifice everything else for this one thing? Only you know the answer.

Hey readers, what sex act, if any, is so important to you that you can't be in a relationship without it?

Comments ( 38 )

It's always the same thing with this column, I want to fuck Erin Bradley and ignore what she has to say about it.

bearman33 commented on Oct 04 10 at 1:18 am

Uh, LW #2, perhaps your girlfriend is intimidated/turned off by by the power dynamics of "lavishing oral affection upon a beautiful woman"? Sounds like some not-quite-realized d/S to me...

TK commented on Oct 04 10 at 1:25 am

Look, to give some really uncomfortable advice, you might try seeing if she's more interested in receiving oral sex if you use a dental dam. She's not going to bring that up with you, so you're going to have to suggest it.

Sunbury commented on Oct 04 10 at 2:07 am

No cunnilingus ever is definitely a deal breaker.

Fla commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:37 am

There's nothing as awesome as a spiteful partner who can't stand to see the other one have fun. Dude, let your girl go to NYC and have a ball.

Dee commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:45 am

I hate getting eaten out. I wish I could go back to high school, a simpler time, rather than now, when every second guy down the pike thinks he's the first and best dude to ever enjoy eating pussy. So smug, so self assured, because they "love it". Really, it's just slimy. Stop!

kat commented on Oct 04 10 at 4:32 am

I'm a girl who doesn't like receiving oral, but loves giving. For the dynamic in my relationship, that's perfect. I know I have needed things sexually before and never received them until I was with my current partner, and it has been incredibly freeing and fulfilling. I don't know... I'd definitely consider breaking up or opening up the relationship. Not because it's a universally important act, but because it's that important to the LW's fulfillment.

eh commented on Oct 04 10 at 5:08 am

If I was ever in a monogamous relationship and the girl wouldn't let me go down on her that would be a deal breaker. I like eating pussy more than fucking and often come without touching myself while going down on a girl and those orgasms are more intense than penis in vagina orgasms are for me. But, I'm in an open relationship with a woman who likes getting oral sex so it's not an issue and even if she didn't like getting oral sex it wouldn't be an issue - I'd just save that for playtime. .

Bart commented on Oct 04 10 at 6:16 am

Well, I like all kinds of stuff, but I'd have to say that having a partner who refused to go down on me would be a deal breaker. It seems selfish & someone who's that squeamish probably isn't going to be my style.

bk commented on Oct 04 10 at 8:00 am

I rarely like oral sex b/c every guy I've ever dated has thought he was The Best at oral when he was either pretty bad or really bad. It's hard to get a guy who thinks he's god of pussy licking to understand that you don't really like what he's doing and would rather he did it like this or like that instead. After years of actually dialoging about it and being ignored or insulted I just gave up and now I just say, "I don't like oral sex."

etc commented on Oct 04 10 at 9:56 am

etc, that's tragic. Don't give up, there are some real solid pussy lickers out there, you just have to find them. There are also some attachments to the Sybian that you might want to look into.

bearman33 commented on Oct 04 10 at 10:15 am

i love oral-- giving and getting. i can't imagine being without it.

bee commented on Oct 04 10 at 11:22 am

For me, if a guy won't give it that's a dealbreaker. I am passionate about giving and receiving. There's more than just coitus for fun!

tee commented on Oct 04 10 at 11:59 am

where can I find this man

kellyb commented on Oct 04 10 at 12:49 pm

it's less about the act itself, and more about her reluctance to do something that brings her partner so much pleasure. Who cares if oral isn't her thing - oral isn't my thing, either - I prefer fucking or getting fingered. But if I was with a guy who loved it as much as this guy claims to, I'd be overjoyed to let him between my thighs for as long as his heart desired. Receiving oral sex is not exactly a deviant act - it's not like this guy is saying he wants to poop on her face. She should let him give her oral. The dealbreaker here is her selfishness.

ss commented on Oct 04 10 at 1:07 pm

Kat--

Do you just dislike recieving oral because your head is so far up your other nearby orifice that it makes cunnilingus uncomfortable? Everyone should be damn happy that there are men who actually have a positive attitude about vaginas.

woman commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:52 pm

"something larger than myself"

Gawd...I'd date any guy who thought like that about giving oral! Nice!

jaw commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:56 pm

@bearman33: RIght there with ya. For about three weeks there was a LSFW photo of Erin at the top of this column. She made me want to do things I only feel comfortable discussing with Dan Savage.

mj commented on Oct 04 10 at 3:59 pm

I loving giving oral to women as it is 1 of the BEST things in life! Sadly, most of the receiving end aren't always thrilled to receive. And I'll take or beg whatever coaching or orders they give so i can improve.

mcz commented on Oct 04 10 at 4:38 pm

I'm a gay dude with some very close female friends, and I've received a lot of jealousy from boyfriends. Whether it's the amount of time spent together or the casual intimacy we enjoy, I'm perceived as a threat more often than not.

What's funny about this is that, unless you're a shitty boyfriend overall, I tend to encourage my friends to be forgiving, patient and sexually game with their boyfriends. Shooting themselves in the foot, they are.

Noodles commented on Oct 04 10 at 5:09 pm

To #1: Yes, you are being a nut, a very insecure nut. Everything you've said tells me so: "I've never met this guy, and I already don't like him." Wow. Judgemental much? And while you've never met the guy, you are already convinced that "they seem to have a little too much fun"? These words are the mark of a jealous, distrustful, and overbearing partner. it also sounds like you and your girlfriend could benefit from having "a little too much fun" yourselves.

ms commented on Oct 04 10 at 5:32 pm

@etc: Find a better guy. Some were insulted?!? There are guys who will listen, and adapt, because they want to please their partner. Most of the fun for me in giving oral is because it's giving her such pleasure. If she needs it "this way" or "that way" to make it good, I definitely want to know, because I want her quivering at the tip of my tongue.

Kevin commented on Oct 04 10 at 5:56 pm

to #1- I'm pretty jealous by nature and my overbearing ways almost killed my relationship. when I realized that my boyfriend needed some space/ freedom it was really hard to do but i had to back off. it paid off though because he actually wants to spend more time with me because he doesn't perceive me as controlling him. if she thinks you don't trust her it just puts a wedge between you. and if you really don't trust her, that's a whole other issue than going on vacation without you.

rs commented on Oct 04 10 at 6:09 pm

Etc...I totally understand where you are coming from. I am stunned at how many guys overestimate their sexual abilities and just refuse to accept any suggestions. Bad oral sex is not like bad pizza (which as we all know is still kinda good!) Bad oral sex is annoying, infuriating, and often uncomfortable.

Meaghan commented on Oct 04 10 at 6:11 pm

to etc, and all women who have problems giving guys intructions--if the guy won't listen to what you want and still thinks he's good at giving head, this isn't a problem that all men have. The guy is an asshole. Good men will listen to what you want and do their best to do what you like. The problem isn't that all men who think they are good at giving head won't listen. The problem is the particular men you have been with have been assholes who won't listen. Go find yourself a guy who's more concerned with giving you what you want than having a big ego about giving head.

captain obvious commented on Oct 04 10 at 6:15 pm

It's one thing to have something in a relationship that nags you. We all have those. It's okay to need to vent about it outside the relationship (discretion please!) When you have to write an anonymous advice columnist to ask if it's a dealbreaker then yes, it's a dealbreaker. Whether or not the letter writer has too many dealbreakers and needs to get over himself is a separate issue.

Eric commented on Oct 04 10 at 6:21 pm

I totally agree with SS - well said!

Diane Q commented on Oct 04 10 at 11:17 pm

#1: You should be grateful you even have a girlfriend, with all your jealousy issues. Not for long, I'm betting.
#2: The reason your gf doesn't want you going down on her is because your technique is bad, even if she can't say so. I had a boyfriend like that; the oral sex was so awful I couldn't take it. When I asked him to lick, not suck, he said, "No one else ever complained."

hma commented on Oct 05 10 at 2:33 am

IMHO there are two variables here-- talent, and style. Yes, some people have more (or less) native ability for oral sex. But there are also markedly different styles. Your "bad" lover may just be repeating what drove his or her last lover crazy with ecstasy, but which leaves you cold.

Reader commented on Oct 05 10 at 3:09 am

It was my birthday a couple of weks ago and my wife asked me what I wanted. "I want to go down on you every day for a week" said I. Silence. I got a bottle of wine and a pair of socks. Go figure.

Fla commented on Oct 05 10 at 3:46 am

#1 - The problem is that he doesn't know his girlfriend's friend. Separate lives and friends basically mean you're always going to go a little "nuts" over stuff like this. My girlfriend's best friend (for longer than I've known her) is gay and he's become a very good friend of mine, too. I wouldn't think twice about them going on a trip anywhere. And my girlfriend simply wouldn't go out of town on a "fun" trip with someone I've never met. Maybe that's just us. But at first glance, it seems like a deeper relationship issue.

David commented on Oct 05 10 at 1:31 pm

WAY more bad oral sex out there than good oral sex. I've had good, and love it, but it is rare. Mouths are different. Pussies are different. It's like guys with big Things: Often the worst in bed because they think you're going to be so happy about what's just there that they don't have to treat your sensitive parts to anything special.

cvr commented on Oct 05 10 at 6:04 pm

I agree that there is more bad oral sex out there than good oral sex. I also find that the men who say they're great--esp early on in the relationship--are probably awful. I've had a partner who loved giving, but he was awful, and part of it was that he enjoyed eating me out for his pleasure, not the pleasure he was giving me. It turned him on to be between my legs, but he was focused so much on his fun, he wasn't very good at listening to instructions, body cues, or being consistent. I eventually told him that it wasn't something I liked because he would get frustrated at my lack of orgasm which would spiral the whole sexual act into emo-time. It worked out though--his coitus game was waaaaay better.

mzfatbooty commented on Oct 05 10 at 11:03 pm

do you (or she) ever get cold sores or canker sores? it's hard to enjoy oral if you're worried about turning oral herpes into genital. it's also something she might be hesitant to bring up.

kelly commented on Oct 06 10 at 8:07 am

I too love giving head...AND I also enjoy receiving...HOWEVER, very few have been allowed to go there because that's something that is very personal and intimate to me....way more than giving head or f*cking...I've concluded that it's about relinquishing control and opening (literally and figuratively) myself up to someone....maybe she feels something similar??

enigma2myself commented on Oct 06 10 at 1:23 pm

I am *so* making up a "GO TEAM VAGINA!" t-shirt. If I do it right, the V can be a vag, and the A can be a tongue.
It'll sell like gangbusters.

Mick_NYC commented on Oct 06 10 at 7:41 pm

#2 asked whether or not he could continue to live with it on the longterm. Regardless of the details, it poses an interesting question - would you give up on your favorite sexual act for the rest of your life? If so, how wise is that?

anon commented on Oct 07 10 at 12:08 pm

Your Problem scooter is your techniques and timing rember lick and tounge, Eat Out is just a fiqure of speech and the old drop your spoon under the table just works in the movies, and dennys is definetly not the place to bring up the subject,

BigDog commented on Oct 07 10 at 11:42 pm

Miss Information

My girlfriend won't let me go down on her. Is this a dealbreaker?

By Erin Bradley

Dear Miss Information,

Dear Annoyed Boyfriend,

Dear Miss Information,

Dear Half Sexed,

Comments ( 38 )

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