Sex Advice From Judah Friedlander

The comedian and 30 Rock star on why, in America, you're allowed to be as slutty as you want to be.

By Ray Rahman

What’s the best reason to have sex with Judah Friedlander?
If you want to change your life and make it even greater, and if you care about the world and America, then that’s why you should have sex with me. It’ll be good for you, and it’ll be good for your country. Even if you’re not American, it’ll be good for your country. As the World Champion, I’m a giver. But I would give this warning to women: if you have sex with me, and you’re already in a relationship that you’ve been treasuring, this might ruin that. You might not recover from this. You might have to cancel work for the next three months because you’ll be so physically exhausted from the experience. You might have suicidal thoughts when you realize that you might not ever experience this kind of ecstasy ever again. So, you should come in physically and mentally prepared. People have sex with me, and their lives are instantly turned around.  

My boyfriend tries to video chat with me at work and gets annoyed when I ignore him. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I’m just busy. How can tell him that without offending him?
Your boyfriend’s gotta pace himself. Your boyfriend’s gotta figure that shit out. He’s an adult now. And, if this guy would just read my book, he would learn a little bit about invisibility and how to make himself invisible. Then he could actually be with you at work, and look at you, his girlfriend, all he wants.

I’m a guy, and I’ve been bringing home a lot of different girls lately. How often should I wash the sheets between one-night stands?
I think most people would prefer clean sheets, but you never know. Some girls might be into dirty sheets. Still, I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t like a nice, clean sheet. But that’s one of the downsides to having a lot of one-night stands — non-stop laundry. I mean, how much can you do, really? But maybe that’s how it works. Maybe he’ll get more chicks if he’s constantly at the laundromat, washing sheets. Nearby chicks might get the message and get horny. He could double the numbers of chicks he gets if he starts taking those sheets to the laundromat.

My girlfriend just dumped me and moved out of the apartment. That’s fine, but now the bookshelves are empty and the walls are bare. Got any quick interior design tips to help ensure that my visitors don’t think I’m boring?

It sounds like hooksexup.com has got a lot of slutty readers. But that’s their right. This is America, where you’re allowed to be as slutty as you want. Anyway, to answer the question, a good way to get start is putting a copy of my book in your apartment. I would say have my book there, and no other book. It does feature a nude centerfold of me, though. Do not cut out the centerfold of me and put it on your wall; whether you are straight or gay, your partners will too be obsessed with my photo, and they will ignore you. So I’d say have the book in the room — that shows respect — but I wouldn’t put up the nude photo of me. If you did, you’d never get laid again.

My girlfriend’s family is really conservative, but I’m super-liberal. I’m about to meet them for the first time. How can I make sure everything goes smoothly?
You know, I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for twenty-one years now. I perform for everybody: foreign people, white people, black people, gay people, upstanding citizens, convicted criminals – you name them, and I’ve performed for them. Sometimes you just gotta realize that these are people. There are a lot of other things going on in the world besides your political viewpoints.

My boyfriend loves giving me oral sex, but it makes me really self-conscious. Do you have any relaxing tips I could use for the next time he goes down on me?
You should definitely just think about me.

My girlfriend tells me that watching online porn is cheating, so I pretended to stop looking. I hate having to lie, but I don’t want to stop. How can I make her stop taking online porn so seriously?
That’s very simple. You just gotta watch porno DVDs. It’s not cheating! Case closed. Man, I might actually have to reopen a porno movie theater, like they used to have in Times Square. We’ll go in there and be like, “Look, ladies, we are not cheating. We are enjoying a theatrical motion picture together.” I would name the theater “We Are Not Cheating Cinema.”

You’re fond of reminding people that you’re the World Champion of the World. How does this affect your relationships with other people, since they’re all technically inferior to you?

Yes, I am the World Champion, the greatest athlete in the world, and a master of the martial arts. I hook up with a low estimate of one hundred and twenty women a day, and I’m a role model for children — in fact, my only weaknesses are math and reading. But the thing is my greatness surpasses superiority. Like, no matter how better I am than another person, I still inspire that person. Even if I’m beating up a guy – even if I’m killing a guy in a death match – as I’m kicking and punching him, he is still inspired by how great I am. And so he doesn’t feel that bad.