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PERSONAL ESSAYS

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Since I have the kind of Type-A personality that's satisfied by rules, I contend with the tension between here and there by purposefully not doing something (anal sex) until a fixed date (marriage), not as a joke or endearing quirk, but as way to deal. Not everyone understands. I get hell from my girlfriends for not trying it. "You write about sex, weirdo. You can't not do it." A few of them think my decision is based in fear: of pain, of the unknown, of crossing some invisible slut line. Some of that might be true. I'm typically a wholehearted submissive (unless instructed otherwise), and there's a lot that's sexy to me about all kinds of power dynamics and their manifestations. But anal brings nothing to mind other than a stinging shock. My ever-expanding universe of imaginary and porn-related fantasy (a recent addition: panty-specific porn — so hot!) has never included anal. I click away from anything that meanders unexpectedly assward. There's no appealing wetness over there, no give. Watching a particularly large penis go to work on a young lady's backside is in no way erotic to me, even to the part of me that generally responds all too quickly to the combination of pain and pleasure. Anal just seems like too much sex, sex that undermines itself, a bloated and ridiculous version of the original.

My distaste is isolated, applied only to me, and only for now. I thrilled to discover that a Rory Gilmore-ish girlfriend of mine is a hound for ass sex.

A maximally WASPy background has me convinced that giving it all away upfront is an autobahn to disenchantment, and moreover, bad manners.

And, penis-insertion aside, I'm not ignorant of the rewards — I've warmly welcomed fingers and tongues into the fray. I'm curious, of course, about the feeling of anal sex. The anticipation is tremendous, in fact.

Still, the whole concept feels too personal to share with a man who isn't the designated "one." My boyfriends, even important ones, aren't allowed to see me in certain compromised situations. I don't pee with the door open, greet them sans mascara, or hang around in sports bras. While I'm an advocate for frank discussion of sex, I don't enjoy talking about non-sexual bodily functions, which is difficult when you're friends with vegans. A maximally WASPy background has me convinced that giving it all away upfront is an autobahn to disenchantment, and moreover, bad manners.

My traditionalism also informs what I believe is a flaccid basis for modern marriage: two adults with enmeshed lives, formalizing their state of enmeshedness. I want marriage to bring with it something particular and new. It won't be a shared apartment or house; marrying someone I haven't lived with seems sociopathic. And it won't be his perspectives on monogamy, experimentation, quality communication, or how best to spend a rainy Sunday, which I'll already know. Saving "it" for marriage has slipped away, and I don't regret that. But I do have this one last thing I've saved.

Comments ( 20 )

it's interesting what different people's boundaries are. i dated a girl who's big holdout was giving blowjobs. but she had no problem with condomless sex. i tried anal once with an ex several years ago and it was kind of fun. we were in the right mood for the adventure and taboo. it was a bit messy but i didn't mind and we went and showered after. it felt good.

bbd commented on Jun 26 08 at 12:09 am

why is it that i can't escape stillepost for even a day? i'm just trying to catch up on my Hooksexup reading, gaddammit.

FTL commented on Jun 25 08 at 1:59 pm

Yawn...such self important drivel.

SAL commented on Jun 25 08 at 2:19 pm

i don't agree with the previous poster that this is "self-important". i, maybe partly because i am in the same demographic as the author, can relate to this. i think many of my friends would as well. it's interesting to see where other people draw the line of keeping something "special" for marriage when you want to have a life beforehand (and don't want to either marry at 20 or remain a virgin until you are in your thirties). it's a tricky line for a woman to be independent and yet, still entertain the notion that some sense of traditionalism isn't all bad. i'm not sure anal falls under that definition for me...but i want something to feel reserved and new for the person i can finally see marrying.

rh commented on Jun 25 08 at 3:36 pm

i think this is endearing, and funny ... a kinda sweet rumination on the difficulty of retaining some kind of innocence in a naughty naughty world. I wish you luck in keeping your hindquarters squeaky clean. Bar the doors.

ted commented on Jun 25 08 at 6:27 pm

Hm, I knew this chick was a wasp one paragraph in. This is exactly the sort of story a person without any actual problems, or really, depth, would write.

RS commented on Jun 25 08 at 8:03 pm

What I don't understand is the desire for contradiction? You can slap a tattoo on and air out all your sexual encounters (signs of bad girl behaviour as per the author) but it all returns for the desire to be a good girl. Girls who don't go all the way are good and those who do are bad. Women who have anal sex are no more virgins than those who practice vaginal penetration. It's all sex. Is it just 'cause you can't get pregnant that allows women who only have anal sex to maintain their virginity? In most cases the proper use of contaceptives prevents pregnancy, does that null the act? If someone sticks a tongue a finger or two up your anus, it has been penetrated. No dick required! You are not an anal virgin. The final fantasy is that you want to be some kind of virgin on your wedding night? Why this need for purity especially in this forum?

ESC commented on Jun 25 08 at 10:45 pm

You want to not know if you're sexually compatible until you're married? What if you LOVE anal sex and he hates it or you hate it and he loves it? Yeah, let's not open that can of worms just because you could go a lifetime without every trying it even though you want to and he might want to, just because you can. Oh yeah, and that makes anal sex "sacred." Still, every irrational action needs some sort of equally insane justification. At least you're not the typical Cosmo-obsessed imbecile of a teenage girl who makes virginity into something it isn't. But making anal virginity into something it isn't, that's just retarded.

rtrd commented on Jun 26 08 at 5:05 am

Kate, it's your body, and you can make any access rules for it that you want. However, I'm going to recommend that when the time feels right, that you just go ahead and have the anal sex. There are only two good reasons (other than pregnancy or disease) to restrict particular kinds of sexual techniques. One is if you're after a guy who you think will respect you for remaining "pure" in some area of your body, but you know, it's kind of late for that, and I don't think you want to marry that kind of guy anyway. The other is if you're being non-exclusive, and your boyfriends all know it, but there's one guy who's your "favorite," and you tell him there's this certain move that you'll only do with him, which will make him feel more special. If you don't have anal sex before you get married, you're setting yourself up for finding the perfect guy who just isn't into anal, leaving you feeling like cheating on him in a few years because you didn't get that one special experience you wanted. Or you'll wind up hating anal and won't find out until you're with the guy who married you for it. So just do it. If you're worried that there will be no more firsts when you finally meet the man of your dreams, you can always manufacture "firsts" by adding parameters. For example, "I can honestly say I've never had sex while skydiving. Well, when jumping out of a helicopter that's painted, ummm, green. On a Wednesday. With a guy wearing a fake curly mustache."

JCF commented on Jun 26 08 at 8:33 am

i've thought about it some more and i think you should totally do it now. who knows, you might shatter the preconception you have.

mrme commented on Jun 26 08 at 4:34 pm

"...I've warmly welcomed fingers and tongues into the fray...." Sorry, sweetie, if that's the case, then you're not a(n anal) virgin. Even as a straight dude I know that those digits count, and honestly, I think I speak from experience. I've never had a penis back there myself, but I *have* been on the receiving end (so to speak) of anal sex. (And I am sure there are some ass-hungry lesbians out there that would agree with me.) Maybe the brain is *the* sexual organ, and I'm wrong. But I do know that the tongue is an organ as well. Even if you haven't had the main player called in, you've still been in the game.

CD commented on Jun 26 08 at 5:51 pm

so once you have this one, does that leave you with no more fantasies? no more taboos? or are the rest just things you would never do? More I think this would just unleash a whole new realm for you, that maybe you aren't even ready to contemplate I always walk around in my sports bra, but I only buy sexy sports bras, cause not every boy likes lace, some like gortex.....

CTS commented on Jun 26 08 at 10:43 pm

Based on the pudding skin depth of your article, I would suggest you spend less time fucking and more time writing. Maybe read Boris Groys' Art Power or Sylvie Lotringer's Perverting Perversions. Reading your piece reminded me of the girls in college who thought they were funny and interesting because they fucked stand-up comedians, which also engendered a sartorial change manifesting itself in the sudden appearance of eye wear (tortoise shell frames)when none was needed. The good news is that you sound hot. The bad news (or, in you case, maybe it's just more good news) is that the reason you probably find yourself with a dick in your mouth all the time is because guys just want you to shut the fuck up. But don't worry, that's par for the course, unless you're Jenny Hendrix, the rare example of someone who is both sexually radioactive and a pleasure to talk and listen to at the same time.

CO commented on Jun 28 08 at 12:24 am

you've received some excellent feedback, so i'll add only a small item - just be real good at something. i found anal sex ok for a few times, but not really worth the extended prep time (and requisite super hard pecker). my wife has always enjoyed bj's (not just mouth fucking) and she is still innovating and improving 25+ years later.

dwp commented on Jun 28 08 at 12:58 am

Brilliant piece.

SL commented on Jun 28 08 at 5:07 am

As long as you use Gel Astroglide and your future husband is gentle, waiting for your responses (communicate!), you should be fine. My partner would stimulate her clit manually to relax and eventually I would slide in all the way. We used different positions, but the one that finally sent her over the edge was doggie. It really turned her on and she reached orgasm quickly. She normally has three or four before we shift gears to anal. (Rides me to 1st one, oral by me to 2nd, followed quickly by missionary to 3rd and doggie to 4th.) Since then, we have experimented and settled on double penetration. That is, I am behind her spoon and she inserts a dildo into her vagina. She is very full, but loves the sensation. Our sexual relationship has evolved and deepened. I hope your final partner is open to communicating and growing with you.

JJM commented on Jul 07 08 at 12:26 pm

My lover and I always joke that Astroglide should sell their product with a plastic chair. The reason: by the time you're finished, you can't stand up to take a shower.

JJM commented on Jul 07 08 at 12:34 pm

thought this essay was great and funny. i am all too familiar with friends who set boundaries or have no boundaries at all -- and get judged on both ends of the spectrum. sex is such a personal thing, its hard to have one set of rules or norms (by society, religion, lawmakers..etc) imposed on everyone. I suggest being 'true' to yourself....do what you want! Who says you need a laundry list of reasons to have or not have anal sex?

RN commented on Jul 25 08 at 1:15 pm

Wow. And I thought I was the only one! I sent this to all of my girlfriends who think I'm prude (which I am totally not) because I won't til I'm married. So thanks!

az commented on Jul 30 08 at 3:14 pm