Talking to Strangers: Los Angeles, CA

Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we've just met.

By Joey Held

John, 32

Are you from Los Angeles?
I'm originally from Houston, TX.

How's the dating life different between the two spots?
I wouldn't know, actually. I moved out here when I was sixteen, and I got in my first relationship at thirty-one.

Are you still in that relationship?
No, we actually ended that about eight months ago. We're still really good friends, but it's kind of over.

Why did it fall apart?
Oh, God. You know, it was kind of weird. I think it came down to — we love each other, and still do a lot. But it got to a point where we tried to change each other. I kept trying to push him into therapy, and then one day I was like, "Holy crap, I'm trying to change this person." And if you really love somebody, you don't try to change them. It sucked, but I figured the best way to love my ex-partner was through friendship. Unless some stuff changes, so I'm holding out for the future. But who knows?

What do you do for a living?
For a day job, until everything else takes off, I work in phone sales. I sit in an office and sell financial instruments over the phone. I'm a comedian and a songwriter, though. I'm funny, I swear.

Do you have a joke then?
Well, okay, but it's not very PG. The ex and I actually met doing comedy. We were both scared to talk to each other, so he threw out his whole set, and instead did a five-minute bit about dating black guys. He came home with me the night we met and didn't leave until fifteen months later, a few months after we broke up. One joke I have was that in this relationship, I'm the Jew and he's the black. Because I'm always like, "Baby, we can't afford it!" and he's the one with the big dick and the bad credit. That's actually his dad's favorite joke of mine, which is a little creepy, but awesome.

What gives you inspiration in your comedy?
Most of the comics who I really like say controversial things. There are some things that I want to say, and I think comedy gives me a vehicle to be able to do that in a way that's more palatable than to just say, "Hey, you fucking douchebag, blah blah blah." Excuse me for swearing.

When you do see someone you're interested in, do you make the first move?
I do a lot of smiling, a lot of eye contact, flirtation. And this is going to sound so horrible, but I do a lot of accidentally dropping things. You're probably thinking, "Oh my God, who is this dude?"

No way. Those are all good moves.
I think I was kind of saved in certain ways by dating sites. Those sites really helped me to meet people. When first meeting somebody, I used to be frustrated because, when I'd go out to, especially gay bars or meet somebody online, it was like, we have to go on an awesome date, or we have to hook up, or whatever. Then I ended up frustrated if my expectation wasn't met. It works out a lot better for me now, because I just meet people and see where it goes. And if there's no romance, no date, or no sex, then I met an interesting person. After I took that frame of mind, I met a lot of friends either in bars or online. Just a lot of people who I love to death now, who I was so attracted to at first. I think it's good training wheels for some people. If a person's shy, maybe it's good practice for initiating conversation.

 

Alicia, 29

How old are you?
I'm twenty-nine. I lie and say I'm twenty-five, but I'm really twenty-nine.

Why do you lie?
Because I don't want to be old.

Fair enough. What do you do for a living?
I'm a musician.

Does that get you laid?
Sometimes. It's about a 70% ratio I'd say.

What's a good story from that?
I don't really have a good story from that directly, but I'm always the chick in the room to pay attention to if I have a gig, so that works out to my benefit. Plus, guys like the really emotionally fucked-up, destroyed, artistic chick. So when they hear you're a musician, they're automatically into that.

Are you an emotionally fucked-up chick?
No, I'm not really emotionally fucked-up or destroyed. I just pretend.

What's the worst line someone's pulled on you?
Um... anyone who starts by talking about what they drive. That's a big negative. I don't want to hear about what you drive. It's probably a good indicator that I won't care about what else you have to say.

Even if it's an awesome car?
Yeah, screw that. That's lame. I'd rather have the cool dude with the beer than the douchebag with a cool car.

Are you from here originally?
No, I'm from Houston.

How is the dating scene different here?
Well, if you like rednecks and Republicans, it's great there. Otherwise, you should not live there.

Is that why you moved out here?
Not why, but it's definitely why I stay.

What's the craziest thing you've done to get with someone?
Can I plead the fifth on that one?

No.
Um, the craziest thing…oh! I was dating this guy for a brief period once and we went to a happy-hour thing at his coworker's house. We hadn't seen each other in two weeks and were really pent-up, really horny. We wanted to take care of this. So I went to the bathroom, hid in the shower until he came in, and we messed around in the bathroom at his coworker's house. Class, class, class.

Do you have any crazy exes?
Yes! I currently have a restraining order against one. I changed my cell-phone number, at which point he stalked out my number and found it and called me anyway. And then, I stopped communicating, asked him to stop communicating with me. When I didn't answer the phone for three days straight, he showed up at my place of work. He didn't know where it was, so he had to have followed me there. Which is... exciting.

That's even more creepy.
Yeah. Cree-per. Don't date boys. Don't date boys. I'm over it.

That's your advice? So you're moving onto girls now?
No girls, either. I just don't date at all. I'm done. I'll date my guitar. Nothing else with a penis. Just casual sex — no more dating. I'm over it.

Outside of a guitar, do you have any fantasies?
None that I want to say, but I think everyone should do at least one thing that they wouldn't tell their mother about. Like, under no circumstance ever they would tell their mom.

Would you tell me?
No. You might tell my mom.

Nah, she won't know. Unless she reads this.
She might. She's a pretty hip lady.

 

Andy, 30

What's your best story about the dating scene in L.A.?
To be honest, my personal favorite involves my friend more than me. We were out for St. Patrick's Day, and, I mean, it's St. Patrick's Day, so everyone's been drinking. And my friend has fairly long hair and likes to wear bandanas. So he's out wearing his bandana, and this guy, who's drunk out of his mind, comes up and just starts cussing him out for being a "crazy pirate traitor," among other things. Then he winds up and gives him a good punch right in the nuts. Complete stranger. Who does that? It's not like I'm sitting here talking to you being like "I want to punch this guy in the nuts."

I appreciate that.
Right. And then after that, he just starts whaling on himself. Like, I can't even describe it. He just unleashed with four or five punches to himself until he keeled over.

That's really weird.
Yeah, but then his girlfriend ran over and was all apologetic. You know, "I'm so sorry, are you okay," that sort of thing. And she offered to flash him.

Seems reasonable. Did he take her up on it?
No! I was about to kick him for it, but we saw her hook up with two other guys who weren't her boyfriend throughout the night. You don't want any part of that.

Do you think most women in L.A. are like that?
No, I don't think so. But there are some who seem to not pay too much attention to any sort of, you know, "boyfriend" tag. At least in my experience.

Even though your best experience actually happened to your friend.
No, no, that's not my best, it's just my favorite thing that's happened while we've been out at a bar. Most of what I remember from that night is the pain. That punch looked like it hurt.

So what's your best experience then?
I don't want to give too many of my secrets away, but I will say that the overseas market is a great place.

How so?
Well, you think a British or Australian accent or something like that is sexy here, right?

I think most people do, yeah.
Well, it's the same concept over there. The girls love the idea of an American guy with, you know, tons of money or whatever the case may be. There's an idea of power. Even if we don't have any money, pretending doesn't hurt. And to them we do have an accent. So it's a great place to have some fun. As far as a long-lasting relationship? I don't know. But to have fun? Yes, definitely recommend it.

Can you name a specific country you've tested this theory out in?
Nah, that would be giving too many secrets out. But try it out — it totally works!