Jon Hamm's dreaminess reduces Esquire writer to hysterics

Don Draper is known for charming the literal pants off the ladies. But Jon Hamm? Well, he seems to have worked his magic on Esquire writer Tom Chiarella, who profiled Hamm for this month's issue. The result was one hilariously tragic love letter.

First sentence in, Chiarella lets us in on the fact that Hamm owns four eagles. "This is really more description than metaphor," Chiarella explains. "He's poetry. Eagle poetry. Dark eyes, brightened skyward, shoulders flaring."

And don't get Chiarella started on Hamm's moral character. "He's impossible, because he looks good and he looks like he is good, too. He dangles victory from his fingers, as if he had a key fob for every circumstance, as if his whole world started with an on button that works only when he is proximate. He treats good-looking the way you treat your favorite sweater: He leaves it on without thinking about it."

Gotta love those invisible confidence sweaters. But for his interview, Hamm is wearing a shirt, and damn, does it look good.  "His shirt hangs on him like a taut sail," Chiarella muses. "He shrugs like a guy who took a shower by walking through the rain."

And then it happens. Don Draper takes Chiarella into his ride. And it is one ruggedly sexy four-door sedan. "What he is, I decide right there and then — under the sodium lights, in the throbbing clutch of his sedan, beneath the bug-laden, bat-heavy night sky — is Paul Bunyan. There's hyperbole in the way the world regards the man he pretends to be. And there's a kind of tall tale in the grinding strength of his normalcy."

We wish we could say the same for you, Chiarella.