Keith Richards, whose body is 84% heroin-based, urges young people to give up drugs: "Give it up, it ain't really worth it." 

Kate Beckinsale, whose body is 104% hot, thinks the best part of that body is her, um, "Pharoah's Tomb." Yes, she actually used that term to describe her privates. "My best feature is unfortunately a private matter," she unfortunately tells Allure, "Although I'm told it is spectacular."

Britney Spears is making her 310th comeback, starting right now. According to AP sources: "She's been working a chair routine out in the studio and is ready to animate it." Cool! You mean, like a cartoon? We could totally see Britney's life being a John Waters film, but maybe not via Pixar Studios. 

Amy Winehouse was cleared of all charges related to Ray, Ray or whatever her dude's name is. As part of a plea deal, she agreed to no longer fuck herself in the head with stupid men. Her tears drying, she vowed to get on without her guy... and go back to... blaaack. (Okay, we'll stop now.) 

And about the only cool thing to come out of this week's earthquake in the UK was that this couple had some earth-shattering orgasms.