Are you sitting down? (Wait, you read Scanner while bending over?) Ladies and gentleman... Tucker Carlson has been canceled. I know, I know... you're all thinking: oh, man! Wait, Tucker who?
Well, we here at Scanner aim to learn you people right. For Tucker Carlson has been part of many historic moments in TV history, and caused so many more. From his brawl with Jon Stewart to his insult to dancing on "Dancing With the Stars," Tuck has rewarded viewers with much unintentional humor over the years, as beautifully summed up in a video by 23/6...
This one-minute video is a wonderful summation of the career of everyone's favorite whimpy conservative stuck in an 1808 time warp. However, Scanner would like to elaborate on and possibly even try to explain how this great man, the illegitimate product of James Carville and Greta van Susteren, got to where he is now... which is, um, cable access?
1) Tucker Carlson, a white boy, is born in San Francisco in the 1960s, grows up to love bowties, and is very, very, very, very, very not gay.
2) Tucker is accused of rape by a deranged woman in a city he has never visited. Ever since, Tucker has no sympathy for anyone and gives loads of money to the Republican Party.
3) Tucker reported on then-Governor George W. Bush's mocking of soon-to-be-executed Christian Tanya Faye Tucker's life. Conservatives have boycotted him ever since.
4) Our boy was in favor of the war before he was against it. Clinton/Carlson '08 does have a nice ring to it.
5) In a dynamite 2004 appearance on Tucker's and Paul Begala's CNN shoutshow Crossfire, a presumably obliterated Jon Stewart chastises Tucker and his co-host for being "partisan hacks." The audience roars its approval, especially when Stewart asked Tucker why Tucker wore a bowtie at his age. By complete coincidence, CNN cancels Crossfire.
6) Tucker appears on a season premiere of "Dancing With the Stars." Despite endorsements from Carville and Al Sharpton, his performance is equated with a two-year-long dump.
Goodbye, Tuck, and see you on the campaign trail.
Don't miss the video, seen here.