Remember the glory days of VHS? Back when porno was pretty much still in theaters and not your laptop? We sure do. In fact, back before smut was everywhere -- heck, before the Internet was much more than a glint in Al Gore's eye -- the most sex that we ever saw on tape was actually on tape -- smuggled from the closet of our friends' parents or snuck in and out of time-delayed VCR's set to the premium channels without our parents ever knowing. And what, exactly, were we watching? Well, meet back here after the jump and we'll give you an overstuffed Top 10 to remember. (With links if we could find them!)
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Confession: Fast Times was kind of too dark of a movie for us to really get into -- but the Phoebe Cates scene was still epic. Scanner Sarah once interviewed Scanner Bryan about it elsewhere on Hooksexup, have a look.
Dangerous Liaisons / Thelma and Louise
If you've never seen either of these movies in a theater, you must, if only for the scenes where Uma Thurman and Brad Pitt take off their tops. Guaranteed: the sheer physical perfection of these actors young bodies will make fellow patrons audibly gasp, and for a brief moment, the whole room will be heavy with erotic possibility. In that respect, we like to think of the first times we saw these movies as our first kinky group experience. At least, until we started doing lots of E.
The Name of the Rose
Probably the only sex scene on this list that even today still stuns us everytime we see it. It just looks and sounds real, goddammit, even the part where you see Christian Slater's erect, underage monk cock. We taped this off of cable right under our parents noses -- when the sex scene came on and we were told to leave the family room, we just walked into the back room and pressed "Record."
Hardbodies (couldn't find scene; links to opening credits)
Embarassing but true; afficionados of the film will want us to specify which of the many nudie and nookie scenes we mean. It's the scene with all three of the old guys finally getting laid, and the girl who's riding the fat guy compares his cock to a mountain, and she wants to badly to get to the top that she busts through the moonroof in the limo when she comes. Hang on, what? Did we just write that?
Young Frankenstein (linked to entire film!)
Again, we've mentioned this before elsewhere, but this may possibly be the first film to ever give us a boner. We didn't understand what was going on when Peter Boyle rolled onto Madeline Kahn and made her sing or anything, but that didn't stop us from watching it over and over.
That movie with Lesley Ann Warren that we can't remember what it's called
Ah, here it is: A Night in Heaven (trailer here). Lesley Ann Warren has this raging orgasm riding a male stripper called "Ricky the Rocket." Not sure how young we were when we saw it, but we still remember thinking: "Huh, weird that she left her shirt on."
Emmanuelle IV
Pprobably the first instance of our pausing-and-rewinding a movie so exclusively that we had no idea what the actual story was. Which is funny, because we recently found a copy, and boy, we were surprised. Turns out that scene where Sylvia Krystel is showing a woman how to make love -- which was definitely our favorite scene -- is actually Krystel as the previous Emmanuelle instructing the new Emmanuelle in how to make herself come -- even though technically, they're both the same person using the same body. Yes, that's right: we are all now more confused by this sex scene than we were when we were young.
Roadhouse
Funny story: so, remember that scene where somebody gets caught fucking a waitress doggie-style in the backroom? Yeah. We totally had no idea that doggie-style existed when we were young and just thought he was putting it up her butt. Don't worry, though; there's a happy ending to this story. We had the truth of the matter explained to us on an overnight debate meet by a guy who was banging the girl of our dreams. Yay!
A montage of Madonna videos from the 1985 MTV Music Video Awards
Not a sex scene in the strictest sense, but they did this thing where they slowed down the videos and in Papa Don't Preach, she's wearing this bustier in the non-Danny Aiello, dancing parts, and, well, let's just say that we didn't know boobs could do that.
... and a bonus scene from literature!
Arabella's teenage seduction of her girlfriend and the cinematic reproduction of it in the movie-within-the-movie from the novel "Blue Movie" by Terry Southern
Honest to God: before we ever saw a girl naked, we knew exactly where a clit was and what to do with it thanks to this scene.