(All times TiVo approximate)

7:33 - Nice silly bow tie, Brad.

7:35 - Way to step on your annoying daughter’s dress, Billy Ray.

7:38 - Good Lord! Marisa Tomei is wearing the puffy shirt! Is her next movie The Pirates of Penzance?

7:41 - Brangelina blow off Ryan Seacrest...heh-heh-heh...

7:46 - My lovely Polish bride Amy acquaints me with the Golden Globes dinner menu:

APPETIZERS
California organic field green salad with white asparagus
Crisp apricot dill goat cheese in phylo and poached pear
Maple syrup apple cider vinaigrette

ENTREES
Grilled prime tenderloin of beef with green tea pearl and sautéed aromatic Asian spice marinated sea bass
Sherry wine yuzu pepper sauce
Grilled king oyster mushroom
Jicama, Romanesco and potato onion croquette

DESSERT
Golden chocolate Globe with organic yogurt pistachio mousse

7:49 - The E! Channel breaks out their "Star Tracker" technology, wherein video arrows point out the stars to us in wide shots of the red carpet. Note to E! - Just because you CAN do it doesn't mean you SHOULD do it.

7:50 - Jeremy Piven appears on the red carpet. Apparently his mercury levels have returned to normal. Thank you, baby Jesus!

7:53 - Amy is sick of all the sand colored couture.  Her favorite gowns of the evening:  Drew Barrymore and Christina Applegate.  Me, I could eat me some Anne Hathaway with a spoon.

8:02 - Amy thinks J. Lo is wearing one of Cher's Bob Mackie gowns from a 1970s time machine.

8:04 - Okay, I haven't seen The Reader and I love Kate Winslet, but...really?  Best Supporting Actress?  She must give really good Nazi.

8:06 - Damn, that Kate Winslet is adorable.  Meanwhile...um...is Sting in that production of Pirates of Penzance with Marisa Tomei?

8:10 - BROOOOOOOOOOCCCEE!!!!!

8:11 - I'm trying to figure out who or what Darren Aronofsky looks like in his funny weaselly moustache.  A villain in a Preston Sturges film?  The Guy Fawkes mask in V for Vendetta?  Meanwhile, Amy thinks Rumer Willis (in the background as a Golden Globes girl) may have had her chin shaved, since her big square potato head is no longer quite as prominent and she actually looks kinda cute.  From a distance.

8:13 - Robert Downey Jr. apparently stuck his toe in the same electrical outlet as Drew Barrymore.

8:18 - Tom Wilkinson has apparently been drinking since noon.

8:20 - Hooray for Laura Dern!  Amy's happy she kept her original nose, and I'm happy David Lynch used his mysterious powers of transcendental meditation to help her win.

8:25 - What happened to Don Cheadle's hair?

8:27 - Amy does not care about Eva Mendes.  Even if she is a proud Cuban-American.  (But we both love whoever that guy was she introduced...I missed what he said because I was Googling Eva Mendes and found this great shot of her plumber's crack while Amy drools over Hamm, John Hamm:

8:31 -  Both my mother and Amy's mother call to express outrage over Hamm getting robbed.  Amy dubs it Hammgate.

8:36 - Ricky Gervais = hilarious.  Tells Kate Winslet, "See?  I told you...do a Holocaust movie and you'll win awards!"

8:39 - The hobbits from the Fellowship of the Ring...sorry, I mean, the Jonas Brothers, present the award for Best Foregone Conclusion...I mean, uh, Best Animated Feature.  Amy says the middle Jonas Brother looks like the guy she lost her virginity to (although I saw the guy recently and he no longer has that silky Jonas hair...or any hair, really).

8:41 - Amy wants Johnny Depp, meanwhile, to simply wash his hair.

8:43 - Sally Hawkins wins Best Actress for Comedy!  I couldn't be happier!  Amy is also happy for Sally, but wants to feed her skinny ass some brie.

8:45 - Sally Hawkins is full of love.  And, possibly, nitrous oxide.

8:54 - Cheadle:  good bald.  Ralph Fiennes:  not so much.  (Amy, meanwhile, loves loves loves Drew Barrymore's dress.)

8:58 - Ledger wins.  Universal sadness.

9:03 - Meanwhile, over on CNN, they're interviewing Priscilla Presley, who apparently got some cut-rate plastic surgery that left her looking like a Dick Tracy villain. 

9:07 - Colin Farrell has that weird Aronofsky moustache, too!  Trend alert!

9:10 - Waltz With Bashir guy:  best acceptance speech of the evening.

9:11 - Maggie Gyllenhaal wears my aunt's drapes.  Shirley Maclaine is either stoned or just got hit in the face with a frying pan.

9:13 - Paul Giamatti, for some reason, decided to come dressed as Judah Friedlander.

9:18 - Mmm!  Look at that sexy Seth Rogen!  Amy prefers fat Seth.  Either way, Mickey Rourke is probably gonna kick his ass for that coke-snorting joke.

9:21 - What did David Duchovny mouth to the camera while blowing a kiss?  Amy's guess:  "I love hookers."

9:23 - Alec Baldwin thanks his vile pig of a daughter.  Awwww.

9:31 - Giamatti!

9:36 - I don't have any little snarky comment to make, but I must just pause here to acknowledge the comic brilliance of Tracy Morgan, edging past the Waltz With Bashir guy for best speech.  (Lorny Mikes!)

9:41 - Didn't mention it at the time, but controversy breaks out here in Somerville over Glenn Close's outfit.  Amy says age-appropriate.  Her mother, phoning in from New Hampshire, says early '80s Boca Raton.

9:43 - "Mmm...Pierce Brosnan," quoth Amy.  "Nothin' wrong with that."  She also likes him because he has a fat wife.

9:46 - P. Diddy and Kate Beckinsale step down off a wedding cake to present a nice Indian man with the award for Best Soundtrack (for Slumdog Millionaire).

9:48 - Nice boobs, Tina Fey!

9:54 - Scorcese!

9:58 - Much whispering about the awe-inspiring wonder of Steven Spielberg and his gift to the art of cinema.  Bathroom break!

10:06 - All right, snark aside: (A) Spielberg throws some love to Scorcese, which is nice, but (B) that montage of Spielberg movies reminds you...damn, Steven Spielberg sure made a bunch of good-ass movies.  (And, y'know, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull).  This speech sure is going on, though.

10:09 - Spielberg:  still talking.

10:13 - Is it more that Emma Thompson's really big or that Dustin Hoffman's really small?

10:15 - Danny Boyle wins Best Director.  Again, the toe-in-electric-outlet hair.  Trend alert!

10:19 - Amy says Colin Farrell looks less like a pubic hair with his hair cut short.  And I'm happy to see the Bruges love:  rent it now!  (By the way, I didn't realize when I put In Bruges on my 2008 Top Ten list that the movie's writer/director, Martin McDonagh, is also the playwright responsible for The Lieutenant of Inishmore, the bloodiest play (and one of the most entertaining) I've ever seen on stage.  If you get a chance, be sure to check it out!)  I have plenty of time to write about all this, incidentally, because Colin Farrell will apparently never stop talking.  "You're not Steven Spielberg!" says Amy, who hates him.  Me, I thought his speech was kinda sweet.

10:29 - Hayek, Johansson and Cruz all enter my consciousness at once.  Amy breaks out the smelling salts.

10:31 - Borat!

10:32 - Really?  The Golden Globe audience boos a Madonna joke?  Hmm.  While I ponder this strange development, Vicky Cristina Barcelona wins best comedy/musical, which makes me think of Salma, Scarlett and Penelope again...mmm...

10:36 - Oh, wait...add Freida Pinto to that fantasy...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

10:39 - Kate Winslet momentarily forgets that Angelina Jolie was also nominated for Best Actress.  Angelina Jolie:  not happy.  Mark Wahlberg says hi to my mother for me.

10:45 - Mad Men?  Rules.

10:49 - All the people who wouldn't return Mickey Rourke's calls last year are now very happy for Mickey Rourke.

10:50 - Mickey Rourke thanks David Unger for his balls.

10:52 - Darren Aronofsky flips the bird on national television.  "Nice, real nice," says Amy's mother, phoning in from New Hampshire.  "John Ford would never do that."

10:54 - Mickey Rourke thanks Scott Franklin for breaking his balls.  Somehow Axl Rose was also involved with The Wrestler, making it the New Jersey-est movie of all time.  Finally Rourke thanks his dogs.  "That's the kinda shit you wait up all night for," says Amy.

10:58 - And...Slumdog!  The guy accepting the award jumps the Aronofsky train with a verbal finger flip...trend alert!

 Anyway, thanks for playing along at home!  And now, to recap...the complete list of winners:

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama