The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

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Khan: ...Kirk? You are... still alive, my old friend?

Kirk: STILL. ALIVE. OLD. FRIEND. YouvemanagedtoKILL... justabouteveryone... else. But like a POOR MARKSman, you keep... on... missing... the target.

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Scooby-Doo: Let's put aside the ha-ha Scooby and Shaggy are getting stoned and Fred wants to have sex with Daphne jokes and concentrate instead on the simple fact that this show sucked. The same thing happened every week! Lost spooky mansion/clearly bad guy farmer/split up/trap goes hilariously wrong/unmask bad guy who's not really a ghost after all. Come on! How about mixing it up a little? A second plot, maybe? Seriously, even "The Smurfs" didn't pull this kind of bullshit!

However, I do like the theme song of this show. As an added bonus, the musical keynote, "Scooby Doo: where are you?" neatly establishes an existential crisis at the heart of the show -- or, at the very least, a cris du coeur -- which the resounding refrain of "'Rover Rhere!" neatly solves. Or, um, whatever.

Also, I do like the episodes where Scoob and the gang are hanging out not with Batman and Robin or the Harlem Globetrotters, but with some completely obscure mid-70s television star: "Hey, check this out, gang! ...Holy cow, it's... Phyllis Diller!/ Conway Twitty!/ Rip Torn!"* Grade: C-plus







Three's Company: I like two things about this show: One, that it was my favorite show when I was five. Two, that I clearly understood not a single thing that was happening on this show. I watch it now, and I'm like: Holy shit! Everyone's having threesomes! The Ropers are swingers! Larry is having anal sex! But at the time, I was like, "It's funny when Jack makes a pie and then Chrissy accidentally eats the pie." Grade: A





What's Happening!: Not to be confused with "What's Happening Now!", which was a clearly inferior spin-off. As with "Three's Company," I must have watched approximately 5,000 episodes of this show, with the key difference that with this show, I can't recall a single goddamn thing that happened. This was the one with "Rerun," right? He... wore a red beanie, am I right? And they were, like... black people who... did stuff? Clearly, what's happening is that I'm suffering from early long-term memory loss as a result of encroaching middle-age. That's what's happening, my friends. Heh. Grade: D





Hogan's Heroes: Nazis! So funny! Did I mention that I'm Jewish? Considering that this show not only spoofed the Third Reich, World War II, and National Socialism, but also featured a star (Bob Crane), who later on committed murder after it was revealed that he was a compulsive voyeuristic bi-sexual sex-addict, what's really puzzling to me is how you could come up with a sitcom that's any more offensive than this one. Maybe if you added some cannibals? Or some gang rape? Or how about O.J. Simpson, I hear he's available...* Grade: F






The Jeffersons: I feel like I can remember an episode of this where George punches Weezey in the head, but considering that I can barely recall a single character on "What's Happening!", perhaps I am not to be trusted... Still, spousal abuse. That's just not funny, even with a laugh track, and even if it didn't really happen... But hey! Remember the neighbor? The one with the mustache and a pipe? He was a riot, am I right? Grade: Blank.





The Smurfs: Still better than Scooby-Doo! As you may recall, the reason that Gargamel wanted to capture the Smurfs was because they represented the secret ingredient that would magically transform lead into gold. Question: wouldn't this make "the Smurfs" equally as valuable as gold, or at least, in an open market, proportionally valuable? Why even bother transforming them at all? In fact, hold on a second. I have to make a call to my broker. "Jimmy? Jimmy, it's Oliver. I need you to do something for me right now. Take all my money -- listen to me now, Jimmy -- I want you to take all my money out of Steel and put into Smurfs. Yah, you heard me. Good... Good.. . Okay. Smurfy. Done." There now. All finished. Now... where was I? Grade: B-plus





Duck Tales: This is a show that I refuse to make fun of. Scrooge McDuck, the richest duck in the word! Huey, Dewey, and Louie! Webby! Duckworth! The Beagle Boys! I watched this show well past any reasonable period of teenagerhood, and I refuse to feel lame about it for a second. "Duck Tales" rocks! Who wouldn't want to search for buried treasure every week with your rich uncle who owns three cubic acres of money? Plus I can quote the entire theme song from memory:



Whoo-hoo indeed, my friends. ...Whoo-hoo indeed. Grade: A-plus, natch.





Sesame Street: Of course I'm going to give an A-plus to Sesame Street... because I'm not some kind of insane soulless monster. (Note: "The Electric Company" would also get an A-plus, if I could remember anything funny to say about it. I'm not so sure about "Zoom!") So much of what I know about life comes from Sesame Street. For example; rubber ducky, he's the one. So true! And, "C is for Cookie; and that's good enough for me." And it really is. I pretty much begin and end right there.

Plus I don't even have some insane-Elmo hating problem the way most people seem to. Seriously, "what up" with all the Elmo-hatin', people? Okay, so he giggles a lot. Is that really a bad thing? I'll let you in on a little secret: Sesame Street wasn't exactly a dark, "no-holds-barred" look at the seedy underbelly of the world before Elmo came around. ...So maybe just learn to deal. It is, however, a crime that the Snuffalupagus is now visible to everyone, and I don't really want to talk about it.

However, this show often gave me a weird sense of depression. Maybe because it was too good. I would start to get the blues just by thinking about the fact that the "Letter and Number of the Day" were about to come on, and that the show would be over soon. Also, the theme song depressed me too. "Sunny day, chasin' the clouds away." ...I hear these words being sung, and suddenly, as a kid, I feel sad. Why is that? ...Wellll, to look at things in a Mallarméian sense -- ("I write the word 'flower,' and instantly one comes to me that is absent from all the world's gardens.") -- the fact that the "Sesame Street" kids are enjoying a perfectly sunny, cloudless day ...and the fact that I'm now imagining them doing this, means that now, by definition, the day I'm having can be neither as sunny or as cloudless as it once was, or as the "sunny day" of my imagination can ever be. So, um, there's that. Whoa. "Hey, Oliver, do you, like, do lots of drugs when you write these reviews or what?" Oh, I wish... Grade: A-plus!!!





Monty Python's Flying Circus: Which came on PBS at midnight, which was -- at least hypothetically -- far past my actual bedtime when I was kid. I imagine I'll get actual hate mail for saying this, but I just have a hard time grooving on "Monty Python." Just never could get into it. In fact, I kind of hate it. Oh, look! They're speaking in English accents! They're using the word "Bloody"! They're dressing up in women's clothing! Weird stuff is happening! Ah ha ha ha ha! Whoo! ...Could somebody shoot me in the stomach, please? There. That's better.*

And as for people who have actually memorized entire Monty Python sketches... I have an actual restraining order that says you're not allowed anywhere fucking near me. So get away! Get! Go on... shoo! Grade: D




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1) Once, when Tiffany was in Europe with her sister, she [***Whoops! Story deleted at Tiffany's request.***].

2) Kevin Spacey does not like Tiffany at all, and once accused her of stealing stuff from his house. Kevin Spacey does not like me either. Because he was very mean to both of us, and even though he was very good in "The Usual Suspects," I am outing him for the first time on any major website, as being gay.

3) She once described a group of kittens as looking like "little lions. No, wait, like little tiny cats." She also named her own kittens as follows: Kittens, Smittens, Mittens, and... Kittens (II), having run out of rhyming names there at the end.

4) She owns the high-score on every Ms. Pac-Man machine in Savannah, Georgia, and will periodically go back to Georgia to check up and make sure that she still has all the high scores.

5) During my (bad) speech that I gave during Tiffany's wedding, I described her as having a "subsurface layer made up entirely of lava." Not really sure why I did that now, and I wasn't even drunk when I gave the speech.

6) When she throws up, it sounds exactly like a cat throwing up.

7) And she trips and falls down a lot too. Eight times in a day once. And you know what? This isn't really a funny list. This is more like listening to some drunken person rambling on in a bar.

8) When she is a asleep, Tiffany sometimes has dreams that an evil spirit is entering her body, and she cries out for help while she's still asleep, in a deep, unearthly, man-ish kind of voice, and if you've ever been Tiffany's roommate, as I have, you'll know that this is an utterly fucking terrifying way to be woken up, and that there's nothing worse than hearing Tiffany's man voice.

9) When I turned 30 this year, Tiffany did not buy me a present, because she was too poor, but at my party, as her surprise present, she did a 10-minute synchronized-swimming performance with her sister, and at the end of it, they spelled out my name with their bodies, as follows: O-L-I-V-E-R.

10) She tried to convince me to stay in New Orleans when Hurricane Katrina was coming, and if we had stayed we probably both would have been killed, but it probably still would have been fairly funny, somehow.

1. He never gets mad and he never yells. Ever. Except for four times in his entire life. All four times were at me. It’s so against his nature that after he does it he has to sit down and recover. Then he feels so guilty that he buys you a present. He’s good that way. He thinks he can buy love and friendship and it’s so true.

2. When he was nineteen, his girlfriend freaked out and started walking in the middle of a busy street in D.C., saying she was going to walk home…to Colorado. Oliver, acting on years of TV information, thought she was in shock so he slapped her hard across the face. She was SO mad. For some reason though, this story always makes me laugh. And I’m sure she got a present the next day.

3. He’ll pretty much move wherever I am if I beg and plead enough.

4. When we lived in Prague together (more on that later in the bad section) he ran out of money. When he was down to his last hundred dollars he worried and paced for an entire day. What would he do with the last of his money? How would he get home? How would he eat, etc.? The next morning he went into town to buy… a pair of designer eyeglasses for a hundred dollars. With clear plastic in the frames because he doesn’t actually need to wear glasses.

5. He was roommates with one of my boyfriends in Savannah. We went to Macon for Thanksgiving one year to eat at the boyfriend’s parent’s house. During the meal, one of his teeth fell out. He didn’t tell anyone, he just wrapped the tooth in a napkin then flushed it down the toilet.

6. He loves cheap crap as much, if not more, than I do. Show us an overpriced, chipped picture of cows on fabric or a Snoopy clock and we will fight over it. Once he bought an entire family of ceramic squirrels at an antique store and I was super jealous of his “find.” This happened every day.

7. If his date is going badly he will pretend he’s making a phone call and run out on the girl... and never come back. This happened all the time in New Orleans and as a result he was constantly ducking behind cars and hiding behind trees wherever we went.

8. We used to share clothes in Savannah. We went through this tiny t-shirt with ill-fitting pants phase. One time I was going to Canada and snuck into his room while he was sleeping to steal our favorite pair of bright green polyester pants. He woke up and a struggle ensued. He won and I cried the entire way to the airport. (This story would clearly go into a bad column about me if there were one.)

9. He’s the best on long road trips. Even ones taken in 110 degree weather with no air conditioning and no radio. We haiku about people we know, with each of us doing alternating lines, sing songs with German or Sean Connery accents, make up sitcoms, (What up Vicar?, My Pop the Pope, and Sarah Sarah Sarasota being a few) and when all else fails we Zen out by singing the Chili’s baby back rib song over and over.

10. He saved me from certain Little Matchstick Girl death in Holland when, super drunk and stumbling back to our room wearing a rubber tank top, I wanted to lie down and go to sleep in the soft, warm snowdrifts. Even though he was as drunk as me, he wisely convinced me it was a bad idea.

11. He was the only one who supported my decision to bring my crazy Norwegian European fling back to America with me. It turned out to be the worst decision I ever made, but still, he’s supportive.

1. If you trust Oliver to housesit for you, you will find several disgusting used condoms under your bed two months later.

2. He moved to New Orleans once before this last time but it didn’t stick. He showed up at three in the morning, I danced around with excitement that he was there for good and so did he. Faker. That night when I was at work he drove off and snuck back to Athens, Georgia to live with his ex-girlfriend. And ignored my angry calls for weeks.

3. He promised to move with me to Prague for a year right after I graduated from college. At the airport, he “turned." He became a humorless, surly brat and stayed that way for a month before he left me in Prague to fend for myself. Karma did get him back, his father was SO mad at him for going in the first place that Oliver was forced to get a live-in job at an Amish hotel in Pennsylvania for a year where he slowly went crazy. He also likes to pretend this whole period never happened and if I’m not around he will tell stories about his Prague adventures, which are actually stories about my Prague adventures.


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