It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
10/19/2007 1:10:45 PM
I recently fell in love with a comedy conveniently set in the city I hold responsible for all my years of untethered pessimism. Ah, Philadelphia: where else can you drown your sports team disappointment in the hydrogenated, artery-clogging oils of a Larry’s cheesesteak and a two-dollar Yuengling?
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia catches the essence of a city used to being second-rate—where the characters’ lack of ambition and general disregard for humanity isn’t exactly witty, but a breed of offensive silliness that necessitates my favorite kind of brainless giggle.
Case in point: “Night Man” and “Day Man”, two segments from an episode this season where Charlie, fed-up with all the pop-rock invasion, decides to start his own “band” with his buds and in the process divulges the troubling fraction of his inner psyche. If you aren’t Tivo-ing this stuff already, you better do some thingamojinging with your do-hop. Trust me man, this is some deep shit.
– Lauren Belski
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Rubik's Cube Sweetness
10/19/2007 12:06:26 PM
Today the New York Times reported that people still like Rubik’s Cubes. In this scintillating article, you learn about elite cubers, speed cubers, and oh...blah blah blah.
Ain’t no cubers got one this cool, though. Or, presumably, this expensive:
Check out designer/genius Andrew Fetem’s website to learn more about this touch-screen cube…
–N.A.
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ANTM Fashion Gargoyles: Hot or…Silly as Hell?
10/19/2007 10:45:08 AM
You wanted fashion gargoyles…I give you fashion gargoyles.
Ok, maybe one person vaguely wondered what America’s Next Top Model meant when they made the girls into “Fashion Gargoyles.” Here’s some advice from Jay:
Bend your elbows, so you’re like crawling towards Mike!
Like, Cat Woman!
She thinks way too much.
I see you thinking!
Don’t think – engage!
The same directions are also useful when watching ANTM…
–N.A.
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Two Coreys, Big Issues
10/19/2007 10:18:14 AM
Well, this just in from the No Shit Department: the two Coreys, as in Feldman and Haim, are, like, totally over. US Weekly reports that the two Coreys have been incommunicado since the end of their reality show.
Us: How are things with the other Corey?
CF: “We are not in great shape these days we had a bit of a falling out.”
Us: So you are not talking?
CF: “No we are not at all. He made some big mistakes and I am not sure why he made them, I am bit confused by it all he has issues, big issues.”
Us: How long has it been since you've not spoken to each other?
CF: “Probably about two months now. He has to get his life together, he has some serious issues he must deal with that's all I will say. He has to get it together very soon.”
Remember when they were…only moderately fucked up?
–N.A.
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Retro Music Video: "Jump!"
10/18/2007 3:59:07 PM
I have always loved this song, and I refuse to feel lame about this for a single second. The summer of '92! Kris-Kross! Jump!! Off the "Totally Krossed Out" album! Yes!
Anyway, this is probably the best song ever written by a pair of prepubescent teenagers who are boasting about how many girls they've had sex with. Okay, "ABC" by the Jackson 5 is actually a better song about that, but that's obviously a song written by five prepubescent teenagers, so Kris-Kross still wins this one.
And... oh yeah! The wearing-clothes-backwards-in-the-video thing that they do. It's only in this edited version of the video for a few seconds, but this was a big deal at the time. Like, newspaper articles were written about it. "Is Today's Youth So Crazed That They Will Start Wearing Their Clothes Backwards?" And so forth. ...I remember being deeply concerned that this fad was going to catch on; so concerned, in fact, that as a fourteen year-old I used to experimentally try my jeans and T-shirts on backwards in order to see how it would look. The answer: not good.
And sure, now in hindsight we can say that this fad was stupid and would never catch on, but think of some of the other horrible fashion trends that caught the nation's eye during the 80s and early 90s: Day-Glo, Jams, overalls worn with one suspender unbuckled, girls' skirts with suspenders on them for no earthly reason, skorts, leg warmers, "Bad Boys' Club" T-shirts, etc, etc...
Anyhow, enjoy the above video, in all its backwards glory. Where have you gone, Kris-Kross? Whither goest thou, Daddy Mac and Mac Daddy? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.
--Oliver
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Walt Disney Presents: "The Story of Menstruation"
10/18/2007 1:49:44 PM
The title kind of says it all, doesn't it? Anyway, I love the insanely comforting "Bambi"-esque 1950s style narration. I haven't even had time to watch this whole video yet, and already I've learned something. ...I learned what ovaries are! They make babies, sort of. This is good 'cause just last week I asked my friend Tiffany if she was "pregnant in her vagina." And no, I'm not making that sentence up for comedic effect. She gave me a look of withering scorn. So it turns out, I should have asked her if she was "pregnant in the ovaries."* Good to know!
(*This is correct, right?)
Hey, just 'cause I sleep with girls doesn't mean I understand their inner, um... workings. And I don't ask you ladies how my "small intestine" works, now do I? And yes, that's yet another example of highly specious reasoning from me. Anyway. Just watch the goddamn movie.
--Oliver
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America’s Next Top Gargoyle
10/18/2007 12:39:47 PM
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Hypothesis: America’s Next Top Model has become the leading evangelical force in the nation.
Some of the ANTM Commandments:
1. Be fierce.
2. Always elongate your neck.
3. Girls who say “I will never be in the bottom 2” will end up in the bottom 2. That episode.
And show your teeth when you smile, even if you think your gums are too big. I’m talkin’ to you, Ebony.
Last night, the editing was particularly hilarious. Thus far in Cycle 9, the editors have crafted Heather—the Snow White-gorgeous girl with Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism—as the loveable, utterly awkward dorkette who still kicks ass in all her photo shoots. Because, you see, the underdog can win in Tyra's world! (As long as she's hot.)
Suddenly, they cut in Heather being particularly verbal—and not a little sassy! She catalogued all the other girls’ faults, and then wouldn’t you know it…we immediately segue into an episode devoted entirely to grace, balance, ice-skating, and perching on top of tall buildings, a la “fashion gargoyles.” In other words: Heather's weaknesses.
Heather was brought down a peg. Isn’t it amazing that she would get sassy the morning of such an trial? I love carefully crafted coincidence.
Witness the Testament of Tyra, in the making:
–N.A.
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"High as F@%k" Music Video
10/18/2007 11:18:01 AM
I don’t know if this music video is funny as f@%k, but it’s pretty damn funny…Here are the vocal stylings of Jon Lajoie , and his song “High as F@%k.”
Ah, it brings me back to my college days…for some reason freshman year, the school administrators put all the recovering addicts on the same floor. And that floor was in the basement of a dank, brown seventies monolith. No sunlight. Random wall murals. First time away from home. Mass relapse.
Sad for the basement floor of ol’ McBride, but for those of us on the second floor…on a warm Indian summer night, you could open your windows and get high as fuck, without lighting up at all.
And, sadly, I have eaten an entire bag of crackers that were so old they weren’t crispy anymore…while stone-cold sober. –N.A.
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Who’s Your Popozao?
10/17/2007 6:17:22 PM
It was a sad day when a judge ruled that Kevin Federline is a better parent than Britney Spears. (So many things are wrong with that statement alone.) In this Super Deluxe video, K-Fed needs some nanny help, so of course he hires Mrs. Britfire. Yes, the resemblance between Mrs. Britfire and Mrs. Doubtfire is remarkable, but I think the inspiration here is more the underrepresented Mrs. Featherbottom from Arrested Development. It looks like Britney took a page from Tobias’s, oops, Mrs. Featherbottom’s Childcare for Dummies book.
— Liz Nadybal
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The Joy of Sex
10/17/2007 1:56:42 PM
...I have the flu, and I can't bring myself to write anything funny today. So for the first and only time, I'm gonna "borrow" someone else's work. So here's some writing by David Hart, who will hopefully forgive for re-posting his piece, so long as I provide a link to his blog. If he doesn't forgive me, then I'll just take it down.
The 1970s 'Joy of Sex' Beard Guy Writes His Online Dating Profile
by David Hart
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Login: goodlovin72
Tagline: “Embrace Your Sexuality, Baby”
Name: Derek Sebastiano
Age: Ain’t nothing but a number, woman
Location: The Celestial Plane of Ecstasy
Status: Consensual polyamorous relationship
Hobbies: Beard care, sensual oil body massage, yoga, shopping for robes
If I could be anywhere right now...
With you on the waterbed in the back of my van, parked on the beach with the gentle thrashing of the tide mixing with Barry White from my 8-track while I delicately pour candle wax on your backside.
Favorite books:
The Kama Sutra, and anything by Carlos Castenada.
A little about me:
An air sign with an aura of aquamarine. Often found in my mountaintop cabin, a warm fire and a uncorked bottle of homebrewed lager beside me, a skylight dappled with starlight above me, and a bearskin rug with velvet pillows beneath my bare buns. Care to join me for a nightcap?
When you enter my room you’ll see:
A hand-painted mandala of the sexual chakra, a red lava lamp, quartz crystals, oils and candles as needed, and the sweet aroma of sandalwood. And perhaps, if you’re lucky, you’ll witness the erotic poses of passionate lovemaking. Feel free to join, or just watch the show, but audience participation is encouraged.
A little about what I’m looking for:
A liberated woman with a fiery soul bubbling a cauldron of sweet molten chocolate to produce our love fondue. Hair everywhere is no care. Sisters of all size, shape, and color welcome—only a spirit to groove is required for this ride, baby.
Drugs:
Pills and tasty smoke are always welcome, but keep the horse in the stable. An occasional sniff at a key party will do to set the mood.
Children:
None that I know of!
Herpes:
Occasionally.
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--Oliver
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