The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

Boston Celtics: I admit it. I thought the Kevin Garnett trade was a bad idea. Of course, I only have basic cable and can only watch about twenty NBA games a year, so what do I know? But, so, okay, Boston traded all their young guys for two old guys. This gives them a two-year window in which to win a title. It's like dating an older woman. In fact, it's exactly like that. I've dated 36 year-olds and such before, and they're always better in bed and stuff (because, like KG, they have more playoff experience), but after a certain point, you start doing the math in your head: "Okay, she's cute and funny. So, if we get married and have a kid, she'll be... 67 when he graduates from college." At this point, you might start looking around for someone else to date. This is known as "testing the free-agent market." Prediction: 60 wins




Toronto Raptors: Toronto still has a team? You're kidding me. Well, that's cool. Go Canada! ...Frankly, I've still never gotten over the Vancouver Grizzles ditching the great town of Vancouver. I'm not even joking here. I loved it when players used to bitch about playing in Vancouver. "Yeah it's beautiful and clean and by the ocean and every game is sold out even though we're always threatening to move and the fans cheer even when we lose 70 games because they've never had a team before... but we have to pay 2% more in taxes." And then the NBA was like, "You're right. We should move the team to Peoria. No, Tri-Cities. No, Peoria! No wait, Memphis!" Yeah, really? I've driven through Memphis before. It has five skyscrapers and a "Sonic" drive-in and you may as well stay there for the rest of your life if you live there, because the nearest interesting town is 500 miles to the north. Enjoy your time there, guys. Prediction: 45 wins




New Jersey Nets: When I was a kid, my family once drove past the stadium where the Nets play. We were on the Jersey turnpike, and it was really hot and I rolled down the window and my dad nearly slapped me on the head 'cause then we had horrible oil-refinery stench clogging up the car for the next hour. Fun! Also, New Jersey has Jason Kidd as their point guard, who I dislike because he blows a kiss to his wife every time that he shoots a free-throw. That's creepy. And it reminds me of my roommate in college who would buy flowers for his girlfriend every single day on his way home from classes. Um. How is that even romantic? It seems kind of... cyborg-ish to me. "Hey honey, I love you the exact same amount every day... eight dollars of flowers worth!" Anyway. Let's move on. Prediction: 42 wins




New York Knicks: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Not only are the Knicks terrible, but they have the highest payroll in the league. And not just the highest, but the highest by, like, an exponential degree. Everyone else has a payroll of about 50 million dollars. The Knicks' payroll is 200 million dollars. I am not even remotely making this up. And everyone else makes jokes about the Knicks already, so I'm just going to skip writing anything funny here. But I'm from Philadelphia, so I have to say: KNICKS SUCK!!! Prediction: 32 wins




Philadelphia 76ers: Whoops. Do you know who else sucks? My hometown Philadelphia 76ers. Not only do we suck, but we don't incredibly suck, which is a problem in the NBA. If you incredibly suck, then you get really good draft picks, and eventually you become really good. If you sort of suck, like the Sixers do, then you get mediocre draft picks and then make panic trades because you've been awful for six years and that doesn't work out so it's back to mediocre draft picks and I think I just almost fainted while I was writing this. Being a mediocre team in the NBA is like having a shitty, low-paying job that gives you a great healthcare plan and you just can't bring yourself to quit. ...Which actually, metaphorically, is exactly how I feel about being a Philadelphia sports fan. And don't worry if you don't understand this metaphor. Everyone who's from Philly will. Prediction: 28 wins

Upon her release from jail, Paris Hilton vowed to Larry King that she would become “a more responsible role model.” But was a story that emerged this morning from The Associated Press part of her campaign?

Her first comment on the issue, which is deadly serious by the way, was attributed to “a report posted on World Entertainment News Network’s Web site:”

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."

If that seemed too good to be true, it just may be. Neither Ms. Hilton nor her representatives have confirmed the statement, nor have they confirmed the others in the article, which are quite similar to quotes credited to other people in old wire reports, USA Today’s On Deadline blog noticed.

Update, Nov. 14, 7:08 a.m. The A.P. has corrected its story with a denial from Paris Hilton’s camp:

Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.

--Oliver

GAUHATI, India -- Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton's was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site. Her comments were picked up by other Web sites and newspapers around the globe.

Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.

"There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad," Hilton was quoted as saying in Tokyo last week. She was in Tokyo to judge a beauty contest.

Her publicist couldn't immediately be reached for comment Tuesday.

Hilton promised to improve her bad-girl image after she completed a jail term in June for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.

She announced plans to do charity work in Rwanda, but the trip was postponed until next year.

Sangeeta Goswami, head of animal rights group People for Animals, told The Associated Press: "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in northeast India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."

"As part of her global elephant campaign, Hilton should, in fact, think of visiting this region literally infested with elephants," Goswami said.

Another conservationist said elephant alcohol abuse was just a symptom of the real problem.

--Oliver