Amy Winehouse Tanks; Bear Shits in the Woods
11/15/2007 5:12:11 PM
That Amy Winehouse is turning into a freaking caricature. For the 8 of you who haven't heard, she totally tanked in her kick-off Birmingham concert last night. She slurred, stumbled, and even cussed out the audience. Watch:
Said a pissed-off Amy to booers before walking off stage:
"To them people booing, wait 'til my husband gets out of incarceration. And I mean that." She also spent most of the concert crying.
Oh, Amy.
Sometimes trainwrecks are fun to watch, but Amy W is actually pretty talented when she's not boozin' and cruizin'. Get help, Amy! Forget that deadbeat husband in jail of yours. You're too good for that. Also, please eat. You're banging with curves. Without 'em, you look kind of like Dave Navarro. Not so hot.
--JGH
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The Hooksexup Video Blog's Annual NBA Preview Extravaganza -- Part Two
11/15/2007 12:49:57 PM
PART TWO -- THE CENTRAL DIVISION
Detroit Pistons: Sometimes, the NBA really pisses me off. Case in point: the Detroit Pistons. They've had the exact same team for seven years now. They won one championship, lost one, and ever since then, they've been exactly good enough to get to the conference Semi-Finals and then lose. Every single year, they win 55 games, and then lose in the Semi-Finals. ...Ummm, are you guys sure you don't want to shake things up a little? Maybe make a trade? No? You're good? Okay then.
Also, the Pistons used to have a horse as their symbol, which utterly confused me. I was complaining to my friend Dan about this one day, and saying stuff like, "The Detroit Pistons? And their symbol is a horse? What the fuck? Pistons are in cars. And a horse is like... the opposite of a car." And Dan gave me a withering look and said, "Dude. Horses. Horsepower. As in, Pistons create horsepower." Oh. Okay then. Prediction: 55 wins
Cleveland Cavaliers: What's a Cavalier, you ask? Well, the word comes from the French Chevalier, (which is French for "Cavalier"), and means "Knight who fought in the religious wars of the 16th century which killed 40 million people." I think the alternate proposed nickname for this team was "Grand Inquisitors," but that was vetoed when they couldn't fit the rack and the whips and the tortured people onto the basketball logo.
Anyway, as you can see from the above, I can think of almost nothing to say about the Cavaliers. They have LeBron James, who will probably end up being the second or third greatest basketball player of all time, when everything is said and done. Unfortunately, he's going to ditch the Cavaliers as soon as he becomes a free agent in 2010. This is sort of the basketball equivalent of hooking up with a incredibly hot and smart and funny girl your senior year of college, but she's going to move to LA and you're going to move to New York, and so the whole experience is exhilarating, but also, depressing and anti-climactic. Sort of. Prediction: 50 wins
Milwaukee Bucks: Jesus Christ. You start writing an NBA preview because you think it's going to be easy and fun, and then you have to think of something interesting to say about the Milwaukee Bucks. Well, I used to like the Bucks when I was a kid 'cause they had this logo of a smiling deer who was spinning a basketball on his... hoof. Somewhere along the line, they must have decided that this wasn't very intimidating, because now they have this angry-looking deer guy as their mascot:
An angry deer! I love it! I'm sure that strikes fear into the heart of their opponents. "The Milwaukee Bucks: don't f**k with us, m**therf**kers, or we'll give you m**therf**king Lyme Disease!" Anyway. Prediction: 45 wins
Indiana Pacers: A "Pacer" is the slow car that comes out during the ceremonial first lap of a car race -- like, say, the Indianapolis 500. "Pacers" also appear when there's been an accident on the track and everyone has to drive 10mph to avoid crashing. Naming your team after the slowest car in a car race seems -- symbolically speaking -- like a really stupid idea. ...And in a stunning coincidence, the Indiana Pacers also happen to... suck. Prediction: 32 wins
Chicago Bulls: Right now, the Chicago Bulls have a record of 1-5, and they could trade for Kobe Bryant, who is the best player in the NBA. But they don't want to give up their starting small forward -- Luol Deng -- who is the 103rd best player in the NBA. People in Chicago haven't started complaining about this yet, because everyone who lives in Chicago is fat and retarded, like those guys in the SNL "Da Bears!" sketches. Remember those sketches? They were a riot, am I right? Prediction: 32 wins
--Oliver
coming next: Oh God, I might have to stop doing these.
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Too Sad!
11/15/2007 9:49:07 AM
WGN just released a clip of recently deceased Donda West, mom to famous mama's boy Kanye. Donda died during elective surgery -- a tummy tuck and breast reduction. The doctor, Jay Adams, is apparently a dodgy guy with some super-shady credentials, which makes this even sadder.
Whatever you think of Kanye and his ginormous ego, you've got to give it up to Donda, a single mom and English department chair who worked her ass off to help Kanye succeed. In this clip she promotes her book, Raising Kanye, which released last May.
Watch and weep!
--JGH
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Mmm...Boobies.
11/15/2007 9:16:25 AM
This clip, "Making the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show", purports to be about the super-intense "creative process" behind making the show.
Whatever! I'm watching for the tits. Stare away! These girls are gorge.
I'm glad the models are hot, because VS lingerie is only getting crappier and more overpriced these days. If I wanted something cheap, I'd go to Frederick's of Hollywood! Know your place, VS.
--JGH
ETA Here's some Adriana Lima for your, uh, "sartorial" pleasure. Yeah, that's it:
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Oh Snap!
11/15/2007 8:42:14 AM
Just when you think the crazy train couldn't go any faster on Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, this lesbo girl-fight happens.
In case you missed it, Tila had an elimination ceremony with her girlz, and it was down to two of the craziest crazies on the show: Brandi and Vanessa. Tila gave Brandi a "shot at love" which made Vanessa go all Heather Mills on her ass. Just watch!
Except Brandi tells us that she "can't do this anymore" at the end! I hope "can't do this anymore" means that she's got to cut back on the booze and the blow. Wishful thinking!
Via Dlisted
--JGH
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The Hooksexup Video Blog's First Annual NBA Preview Extravaganza!
11/14/2007 1:04:26 PM
I read sports blogs all the time, and I'm always jealous. I only care about basketball, but I'm always like, "Man, that would be fun to write about." And then it occured to me today, "Hey. I have a blog. I could write about basketball!" There was a pause, and then my brain did this: "!!!"
So, we are very excited to present to you the Hooksexup Video Blog's First Annual NBA Preview Extravaganza. Brought to you by Sprite. I say "excited," because I love the idea of some hipster photographer standard-Hooksexup-reader from Williamsburg guy clicking over to this blog and being like, "Wait a minute... he's writing about... sports?"
Awesome. Let's begin.
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PART ONE -- THE ATLANTIC DIVISION
Boston Celtics: I admit it. I thought the Kevin Garnett trade was a bad idea. Of course, I only have basic cable and can only watch about twenty NBA games a year, so what do I know? But, so, okay, Boston traded all their young guys for two old guys. This gives them a two-year window in which to win a title. It's like dating an older woman. In fact, it's exactly like that. I've dated 36 year-olds and such before, and they're always better in bed and stuff (because, like KG, they have more playoff experience), but after a certain point, you start doing the math in your head: "Okay, she's cute and funny. So, if we get married and have a kid, she'll be... 67 when he graduates from college." At this point, you might start looking around for someone else to date. This is known as "testing the free-agent market." Prediction: 60 wins
Toronto Raptors: Toronto still has a team? You're kidding me. Well, that's cool. Go Canada! ...Frankly, I've still never gotten over the Vancouver Grizzles ditching the great town of Vancouver. I'm not even joking here. I loved it when players used to bitch about playing in Vancouver. "Yeah it's beautiful and clean and by the ocean and every game is sold out even though we're always threatening to move and the fans cheer even when we lose 70 games because they've never had a team before... but we have to pay 2% more in taxes." And then the NBA was like, "You're right. We should move the team to Peoria. No, Tri-Cities. No, Peoria! No wait, Memphis!" Yeah, really? I've driven through Memphis before. It has five skyscrapers and a "Sonic" drive-in and you may as well stay there for the rest of your life if you live there, because the nearest interesting town is 500 miles to the north. Enjoy your time there, guys. Prediction: 45 wins
New Jersey Nets: When I was a kid, my family once drove past the stadium where the Nets play. We were on the Jersey turnpike, and it was really hot and I rolled down the window and my dad nearly slapped me on the head 'cause then we had horrible oil-refinery stench clogging up the car for the next hour. Fun! Also, New Jersey has Jason Kidd as their point guard, who I dislike because he blows a kiss to his wife every time that he shoots a free-throw. That's creepy. And it reminds me of my roommate in college who would buy flowers for his girlfriend every single day on his way home from classes. Um. How is that even romantic? It seems kind of... cyborg-ish to me. "Hey honey, I love you the exact same amount every day... eight dollars of flowers worth!" Anyway. Let's move on. Prediction: 42 wins
New York Knicks: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha! Not only are the Knicks terrible, but they have the highest payroll in the league. And not just the highest, but the highest by, like, an exponential degree. Everyone else has a payroll of about 50 million dollars. The Knicks' payroll is 200 million dollars. I am not even remotely making this up. And everyone else makes jokes about the Knicks already, so I'm just going to skip writing anything funny here. But I'm from Philadelphia, so I have to say: KNICKS SUCK!!! Prediction: 32 wins
Philadelphia 76ers: Whoops. Do you know who else sucks? My hometown Philadelphia 76ers. Not only do we suck, but we don't incredibly suck, which is a problem in the NBA. If you incredibly suck, then you get really good draft picks, and eventually you become really good. If you sort of suck, like the Sixers do, then you get mediocre draft picks and then make panic trades because you've been awful for six years and that doesn't work out so it's back to mediocre draft picks and I think I just almost fainted while I was writing this. Being a mediocre team in the NBA is like having a shitty, low-paying job that gives you a great healthcare plan and you just can't bring yourself to quit. ...Which actually, metaphorically, is exactly how I feel about being a Philadelphia sports fan. And don't worry if you don't understand this metaphor. Everyone who's from Philly will. Prediction: 28 wins
--Oliver
coming next, if I ever get around to it: The Central Division
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Update: Paris Hilton hates drunk elephants!
11/14/2007 11:18:45 AM
Uh-oh. So much for our blog from yesterday. According to the New York Times, Paris Hilton doesn't really care about drunk elephants at all:
Upon her release from jail, Paris Hilton vowed to Larry King that she would become “a more responsible role model.” But was a story that emerged this morning from The Associated Press part of her campaign?
Her first comment on the issue, which is deadly serious by the way, was attributed to “a report posted on World Entertainment News Network’s Web site:”
"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them."
If that seemed too good to be true, it just may be. Neither Ms. Hilton nor her representatives have confirmed the statement, nor have they confirmed the others in the article, which are quite similar to quotes credited to other people in old wire reports, USA Today’s On Deadline blog noticed.
Update, Nov. 14, 7:08 a.m. The A.P. has corrected its story with a denial from Paris Hilton’s camp:
Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said she never made any comments about helping drunken elephants in India.
Come on, Paris! What's the problem here? Are you some sort of fucking drunken elephant hater? Do you just want those elephants to die? As a founding member of O.V.B.A.D.E. (obscure video blogs against drunken elephants), the Video Blog is appalled.
Also, the Video Blog is confused. Does this mean that Paris didn't say something dumb? This is some next-level shit, my friends! Trust me when I say that we'll stay with this story as long as we have to...
Video Blog Mini-Update: ...I just realized. So that's why Paris sounded so shockingly... focused and coherent in her quote about the elephants, even if the quote itself was absurd. It wasn't actually her talking! Things are starting to make sense now...
--Oliver
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Cashmere Comes From Cows?
11/13/2007 6:03:35 PM
This commercial is both amusing…and actually made me consider: maybe I was lucky growing up in a city that hosted a Midwestern state fair? Then I think of the smell of the horse barn, and I’m not so sure. Either way, here’s a commercial trying to rally Los Angelinos to attend a county fair. That, I would pay to see…horse barn or no horse barn.
–N.A.
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Paris Hilton, making the world a better place, one drunk elephant at a time.
11/13/2007 1:58:31 PM
I swear to god, this is an actual real news article, even though it reads like something from "The Onion":
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GAUHATI, India -- Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.
Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton's was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.
"The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," the 26-year-old socialite said in a report posted on World Entertainment News Network's Web site. Her comments were picked up by other Web sites and newspapers around the globe.
Last month, six wild elephants that broke into a farm in the state of Meghalaya were electrocuted after drinking the potent brew and then uprooting an electricity pole.
"There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad," Hilton was quoted as saying in Tokyo last week. She was in Tokyo to judge a beauty contest.
Her publicist couldn't immediately be reached for comment Tuesday.
Hilton promised to improve her bad-girl image after she completed a jail term in June for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
She announced plans to do charity work in Rwanda, but the trip was postponed until next year.
Sangeeta Goswami, head of animal rights group People for Animals, told The Associated Press: "I am indeed happy Hilton has taken note of recent incidents of wild elephants in northeast India going berserk after drinking homemade rice beer and getting killed."
"As part of her global elephant campaign, Hilton should, in fact, think of visiting this region literally infested with elephants," Goswami said.
Another conservationist said elephant alcohol abuse was just a symptom of the real problem.
I, uh, stopped reading the article at this point, 'cause there was a page break. (You can read the whole thing here.) ...But I have to admit, I'm fascinated. "Elephant alcohol abuse is just a symptom of a larger problem." What could that larger problem possibly be? Abusive elephant families that lead to elephant alcohlism? Long, pointless text-messages to elephant ex-girlfriends left by drunken elephants? Drunkeness leading to "harder stuff," like elephant crystal-meth abuse? Lots of Indian villagers getting trunk "wedgies" from wasted elephants?
I'm fascinated. Someone please, read the rest of the article and let me know what the "larger problem" is.
Anyway, it's nice to see that Paris Hilton is choosing her words, and her pet charitable projects, with great care.
--Oliver
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Because Hiding Food in Pockets Wasn’t Enough…
11/13/2007 11:43:09 AM
The Japanese are endlessly creative in their inventions, though sometimes “creativity” and “functionality” don’t go hand in hand. They’ve invented the solar-powered cigarette lighter, duster slippers for cats, and a noodle eater’s hair guard. This time, aiming for the environmentally friendly crowd, they’ve created “the chopsticks bra.”
Instead of cutting down countless numbers of trees for disposable chopsticks, the creators inserted reusable chopsticks in the bra and recreated the bra cups as bowls. These cups probably shouldn’t hold certain foods, i.e. anything containing sauce.
Nevertheless, it’s a great gift idea for the gal on the go. That and a pack of Lady Fair cigarettes.
–Liz Nadybal
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