The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

PART FIVE -- THE PACIFIC DIVISON



Phoenix Suns: The Suns are... really good. And fun to watch. My only minor issue with the Suns is their team name. The Phoenix Suns? What th'? There's only one thing that we have only one of in this solar system, and that's our sun. Suns are not multiple. (Unless, say, you live on Tatooine. Yeah. You didn't think I could cram another "Star Wars" reference into an NBA preview, now did you? ...Well. You were wrong.)

Anyway, the Suns are really fun to watch, because of their starting point guard, Steve Nash, who is the only Canadian honky guy with emo-rock hair to win back-to-back MVP awards. Steve Nash is the best passer in the history of the world. I am glad that I am not friends with Steve Nash. He's such an amazing passer that sometimes he whips amazing no-look, behind-the-back, give-and-go passes to his teammates who are completely unready for this sort of thing, and so the passes often bonk stupidly off their chests. The reason I'm glad that I'm not friends with Steve Nash is that I feel like I would never be able to relax around him. You'd be over at his house, eating dinner, and you'd be all like, "Hey, Steve, pass the mashed potatoes..." and then suddenly an AMAZING NO-LOOK PASS WOULD FLY OUT OF NOWHERE AND SLAM AGAINST YOUR HEAD, knocking you unconscious.

I like Steve Nash so much, in fact, that I'm going to quote my good buddy Chuck Klosterman on him:



Indeed. Steve Nash, you are awesome. We praise you with great praise. Prediction: 62 wins




LA Lakers: The Lakers are only okay, but they have Kobe Bryant, who's currently the best player in the league, which makes them more than okay, if you follow me. Kobe and I both grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia, were born ten days apart, and went to adjoining high schools. He would routinely play against my high school and score 68 points a game. Then, he went straight to the NBA, won three titles, and became the best player in the league. Also, he speaks fluent Italian.

During this same period of time, I... went to college, went to grad school, went to law school, and started writing a blog. I don't speak any other languages. And somehow, I just feel like I'm losing the battle of Me vs. Kobe.

But on the other hand, everyone hates Kobe Bryant. He forced the Lakers to trade their All-Star center Shaquille O'Neal, which instantly made their team bad. He did this because he wanted to be the best player on the team. What happened next? The Lakers were suddenly not good, and Kobe started whining about how management was doing a terrible job, and why didn't they have better players, and blah blah. Then, he was accused of raping a 19 year-old girl. Then, Shaquille won a title with his new team. Then, Kobe whined some more. Then he demanded a trade. But he refused to let the Lakers trade him to a team that wasn't good. The Lakers said, "We can't trade you to a bad team, and good teams would have to give us their best players for you, making them bad teams, which you refuse to go to. So we're not going to trade you." Then, Kobe whined some more. I kind of feel like I'm winning now. Prediction: 48 wins




LA Clippers: Thank god, I have nothing interesting to say about the LA Clippers. Those last two entries went on for way too long. Prediction: 45 wins




Sacramento Kings: Hey, did you know that Sacramento is the capital of California? Give yourself a pat on the back if you did.

The Kings' best player is the completely insane Ron Artest, otherwise known as "the only player in the NBA to run into the stands and start punching fans." He has also been sent to jail for spousal abuse and animal abuse. He also routinely gets in fights with other players. He's insane. When I used to play video game basketball with my friend Dan, we used to joke that Ron Artest should have "special moves," like the characters in "Mortal Kombat." Like, you press X, O, X, triangle, square, and then Artest executes a "killer move," and rips out the opposing player's heart and eats it. Which was kind of a funny joke, but only kind of. Prediction: 33 wins




Golden State Warriors: They're not very good. Also, I hate their Ready-Kilowatt-meets-the-FTD-Florist-guy logo. And their name is vague. "Golden State," for those of you who don't speak basketballese, means "Oakland, California." Prediction: 32 wins

PART FOUR -- THE NORTHWEST DIVISION



Utah Jazz: Yeah, the Utah Jazz. Let's make our "but it's illegal to listen to jazz music or be a black person in Utah" jokes and then move on, shall we? (The reason for their nickname: they used to be the New Orleans Jazz, but they moved. When you think about it, it's probably for the best that they kept the name. What the hell is a good name for a team based in Utah? The Utah Honkies? The Utah Lack of Booze? The Utah Oh My God I Can't Believe We're in Fucking Utahs? ...By the way, you know what's a weird word to type over and over again? "Utah." Seriously. I feel crazy now.)

ANY-way, the Jazz have had the same coach for twenty years, and have also been consistently good for twenty years. This is annoying to say, me, because my home team, the Sixers, have had something like fifteen coaches over the last twenty years, and have sucked. Vexing! Also, the Jazz's best player is a Russian named Andrei Kirilenko, whose uniform number is 47. His nickname? "AK-47." That's cool. Prediction: 55 wins




Denver Nuggets: Ahh, the Denver Nuggets. Let me tell you a story: my hometown Philadelphia 76ers once had a very good player. He was my favorite player of all time, in fact. His name was Allen Iverson. He got sick of playing for the Sixers and losing every year, and demanded a trade, and so we traded him to the Denver Nuggets for three vintage "Star Wars" action figures and half of a ham sandwich. I was really mad about this. Everything that I've written above is true, except for the Star Wars and sandwich part. Actually, we traded him for an aging point guard who can't play defense. I think my head is going to explode now. Prediction: 53 wins




Portland Trail Blazers: I love the Blazers' logo. Look at that thing! It's so cool and 70s-ish. The Trail Blazers are famous for once drafting someone named Sam Bowie over a player named Michael Jordan. This past year, they drafted someone named Greg Oden over a player named Kevin Durant. I'd explain the similarities here, but by doing this, I'd be assuming that you guys actually care about basketball, and I'm not totally convinced that that's the case. Prediction: 37 wins




Seattle SuperSonics: ...They're the ones who drafted Kevin Durant. Not that you care. Unfortunately, their owner is a dick who wants to move the entire team to Oklahoma City. ...On an unrelated note, Oklahoma is one of those states that I can forget about for years at a time. Sort of like Wyoming, which is... next to Nevada, right? I know these states exist, they probably vote Republican, and I have no further opinion on them. Also, I just realized that I've never had to type the word "Wyoming" in my entire life before, and I fucked it up about five times while trying to write this. Whyoming? Wyhoming? Fuck it. Prediction: 27 wins




Minnesota Timberwolves: Actually, speaking of which, I always forget that Minnesota is a whole entire state, and not just a city. The city that I'm thinking of, apparently, is Minneapolis. I'm not a total retard, it's just that I can only remember things about states that are actually interesting. Like, for example, did you know that the capital of Vermont is Montpelier? That's right. Montpelier!

Anyway, the Timberwolves. That's a bad-ass name for a team. I like it. I don't know what the difference between Timberwolves and regular wolves is, but I'm hoping that Timberwolves either jump out at you from the tops of pine trees, or that they are really good at woodcrafts and like to whittle. Either way, bad-ass. Prediction: 22 wins

NEW DELHI - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

--Oliver

PART THREE -- THE SOUTHEAST DIVISION

Orlando Magic: The Orlando Magic just recently signed small forward Rashard Lewis to a $115 million, six year contract, even though Lewis is best described as "slightly above average," and even though 115 million is best described as "55 million dollars more than anyone else was offering him." On the other hand, this is the kind of thing that I would probably do if I was an NBA owner. In fact, this is the kind of thing I do after I drink a glass of wine and start bidding on stuff on Ebay: "A vintage 'Space-Invaders' T-shirt? OH GOD. I better bid..." [typing furiously] "...eighty dollars for that one."

And on the plus side, signing Rashard Lewis worked! The Magic are good now, because now they have three scorers, even if they ridiculously overpaid for the third one. Note to NBA teams: Don't be total pussies. Make a trade. Sign a free-agent. Do something. Are you listening, Chicago Bulls? Prediction: 60 wins




Atlanta Hawks: I actually skipped this team and left a big blank here, thinking, "Oh, I'll think of something interesting to write about the Hawks later." You know what? I didn't. Prediction: 40 wins




Charlotte Bobcats: The most exciting thing about the Bobcats are their uniforms. Their uniforms are orange. Let's move on. Prediction: 38 wins




Miami Heat: I've always had a soft spot for the Miami Heat, dating back to the days when Grant Long was their starting power foward. My friend Bob and I bonded in high school over the fact that we were the only two people who liked the Heat, even though they only won 15 games a year and even though they were located 1000 miles away from us. ...In fact, I even had a Grant Long jersey. Wearing a Miami Heat Grant Long jersey is the equivalent of saying that your favorite member of "U2" is that drummer guy. Or it's the equivalent of saying that your favorite member of "Wilson Phillips" is the fat one. Have you noticed how all my music references are 15 years out of date? I'm old. Prediction: 36 wins




Washington Wizards: Their team name used to be the infinitely cooler "Washington Bullets," but then someone noticed that Washington D.C. had an extrrrrrremely high murder-rate, so they changed the team name to the "Wizards," so as not to promote violence. ...Flash-forward ten years, and Washington D.C. is now a peaceful, garden-like Eden, where homeless crack junkie and wealthy businessman live together in harmony, like the lion and the lamb -- and all due to that single name change. Thanks, fellas!

Also, the runner-up name that lost out to "Wizards" was the "Washington Seadogs." Seriously. Washington D.C. is neither located on the sea, nor does it have dogs. Discuss. Well, okay, actually it does have some dogs. Discuss.

The third and final thing about the Wizards is that after Michael Jordan left the Bulls, he went and played for the Wizards when he was 42 years old. The "slower, fatter Michael Jordan on the Wizards era" is comparable to the "fatter, less funny Jerry Seinfeld era" for sheer uncomfortableness and depressingness.

Okay, that's enough about the Wizards. Prediction: 35 wins. I'm subtracting five wins from what I was going to give them, because their uniform color is teal. Teal went out in 1995, fellas!




--Oliver


coming next: The Western Conferences