It's Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown!
11/21/2007 3:30:13 PM
Or something. Doesn't the Thanksgiving dinner in the below video look weird but good? It seems to consist of ice cream sundaes, popcorn, bread, multicolored pickles, and pretzel rods. Yum!
...It's disturbing, though, that part where Woodstock eats turkey at the end. I was waiting for some joke where Snoopy's about to slice the bird, and then Woodstock protests and they don't end up eating it after all. But no. Woodstock's a fucking cannibal. Creepy.
And here's a vintage commerical for you:
And here's the CBS "Special Presentation" Intro that always came on right before the Charlie Brown specials. ...I seem to remember getting more excited by the Intro than by the cartoon itself, which is weird...
And here's Chris Rock discussing Charlie Brown. Yeah, did you notice in the first clip how they gave Franklin the shittiest chair at the table? Chris Rock is right. Charlie Brown is RACIST.
Happy Turkey Day, y'all!
--Oliver
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Oh thank god, it's the end of the Hooksexup NBA Preview.
11/21/2007 12:19:13 PM
Sweet merciful Jesus, I can't even remember a time when I wasn't writing this. Well, let's put this NBA Preview to bed, finally. Yep, this is the LAST PART. This is it. This is the end, my friend. My only friend, th' end...
PART SIX -- THE SOUTHWEST DIVISION
San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs have won something like three titles in the past five years, and they feature Tim Duncan, the least compelling superstar in the history of the world. The problem with the Spurs is that they're too good. They win sixty games every year and then win the championship and they do it without drama; no fights, no trades, no running into the stands to beat up the fans. You want to hate them, but you can't. Did you have some kid in your high school who was super good-looking and on the soccer team and dating a cheerleader and got good grades and never drank and was popular and was even nice to the nerds in the hallways? That's what the Spurs are like. They're better than you, and you can't even hate them for it. Plus, the Spurs' point guard is married to whatshername, the hot chick from "Desperate Housewives." Which is kind of neither here nor there, but I just thought that I'd throw that out as a factoid. Prediction: 62 wins
Dallas Mavericks: See, the Mavericks want to be the Spurs, but they just can't pull it together. They have a boring power-forward as their main guy, like the Spurs. They're from Texas, like the Spurs. They win lots of games, like the Spurs. But they always collapse in the playoffs and they can't win a championship. ...See, if the Spurs are That Guy from high school, then the Mavericks are the Guy Who Wants To Be That Guy; the guy who should be popular, but isn't. He's a jock, he's handsome, he's got a nice car... but there's just something that's off about him. He laughs too hard at his own jokes, he makes people uncomfortable, his last girlfriend hates him, people whisper in the hallways that he cheats on tests and that he roofied some girl from another town... so close, and yet so far away. Prediction: 56 wins
Houston Rockets: Jesus Christ, another team from Texas? Ugh. The Rockets have ugly uniforms and I don't care about them. Houston is the only place in Texas that I've ever been to, and it sucks. I went there when I was fleeing Hurricane Katrina, and after driving for twelve hours in pitch-black darkness, I thought I was almost in Houston, and then I saw this sign on the highway that said: "SAN ANTONIO -- 1,023 Miles" and I actually screeched aloud in horror, having forgotten for a second which city I was driving to. Anyway, long story short, Texas is ridiculously huge and it sucks. It's by far the worst place I've ever been to. And any time I ever say anything bad about Texas, someone in the room, usually someone who's in a band, is like: "Hey, wait! Austin is a cool town." Whatever. I don't care. Wow, Texas is 300,000 miles from end to end and it has one nice town with some emo-bands and dive bars and stuff. Wow. Big fucking deal. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, the Rockets, right. Prediction: 50 wins
New Orleans Hornets: Bzzzt! Prediction: 48 wins
Memphis Care Bears: I mean Grizzlies! Memphis Grizzlies! It'd be cooler if they were the Care Bears, though. Then they could shoot rainbows out of their chests and do whatever else Care Bears do, and thank god, I don't know what those things are. What did the Care Bears do, anyway? Fight evil bears? I never saw the cartoon. Someone, please, write in and tell me.
Anyway, I was talking to my friend Elise last night, and she was laughing and was like, "I'm in the worst place in the world right now. Guess where I am!" And I was like: "Tallahassee! Queens! Houston, Texas! Jersey City!" And she was like, "I'm standing in an airport in Memphis, Tennessee." Because she was flying home for Thanksgiving and had to switch planes. I think, given enough time and enough guesses, I would have picked "Memphis" as an answer, because it sucks too. In fact, there are only three places in the South that don't suck. Here they are: Savannah, Georgia. New Orleans, Louisiana. Charleston, South Carolina. Feel free to go to any of those places, and avoid every other place in the South. You're welcome. Prediction: 29 wins
THAT'S IT? THAT'S THE END? I CAN GO BACK TO WRITING ABOUT PARIS HILTON AND BOOBIES NOW? OH, THANK GOD. YEE-HAW!
--Oliver
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Sesame Street: Warn Your Children!
11/21/2007 11:24:59 AM
So the New York Times reports that DVDs of 70's era Sesame Street come with a warning that it's not suitable for children! The reasons? Oscar's depressed! Burt and Ernie are gay lovers! Cookie Monster encourages obesity!
I can't believe it -- Sesame Street should come with a warning now! Elmo is clearly on crystal meth. How else could he be so excited? And Cookie Monster's all sanctimonious about health now. Who wants to raise their kid to be a hippie??? If anything, 1970's Sesame Street is way more awesome.
Anyways, I dug around for some old school Sesame Street, and here's what I found. Enjoy! But don't show your kids. Or, do show them. No judgments!
And this is BY FAR the trippiest. Watch on acid, plz.
--JGH
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"Traci" Should Probably Be Committed
11/21/2007 11:22:10 AM
So I'm a perv and I was looking for the tags "Thanksgiving" and "sexy" on YouTube, and I came up with the above video of this pigtailed 30-something woman making Thanksgiving salad... in the bathtub.
I'm not even concerned she's cooking in the bathtub! I fear for her making a salad for Thanksgiving. WTF? Who eats a salad at Thanksgiving? Bring on the calories! I'm going to eat 5 pieces of sweet potato pie, four turkey legs, mashed taters, and some chocolate covered butter sticks tomorrow. Good times!
Oh, and if I don't say it before tomorry --- happy Thanksgiving, Hooksexuprs.
--JGH
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Oprah's Favorite Things: Midwestern Momma Mayhem
11/20/2007 7:55:02 PM
Did you hear Oprah's Favorite Things taped today? Forget Thanksgiving! Oprah's Favorite Things is a holiday on its own. Give me Oprah's Favorite Things Day off work! I want to live vicariously through those crazy soccer moms who are way way too excited to get Williams Sonoma toasters and shit.
But the best part? You don't even have to watch Oprah to get in on the fun! Maya Rudolph does a pitch-perfect O impression. It was so screechy my cat just ran away in fright!
But seriously, Happy Oprah's Favorite Things Day! And happy turkey day. I'll have a hard time finding sexy Thanksgiving Day videos, but I'm sure I'll manage.
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There are times when even I have my doubts if I'll make it all the way through this NBA Preview...
11/20/2007 5:19:32 PM
And yet, still I persist...
PART FIVE -- THE PACIFIC DIVISON
Phoenix Suns: The Suns are... really good. And fun to watch. My only minor issue with the Suns is their team name. The Phoenix Sun s? What th'? There's only one thing that we have only one of in this solar system, and that's our sun. Suns are not multiple. (Unless, say, you live on Tatooine. Yeah. You didn't think I could cram another "Star Wars" reference into an NBA preview, now did you? ...Well. You were wrong.)
Anyway, the Suns are really fun to watch, because of their starting point guard, Steve Nash, who is the only Canadian honky guy with emo-rock hair to win back-to-back MVP awards. Steve Nash is the best passer in the history of the world. I am glad that I am not friends with Steve Nash. He's such an amazing passer that sometimes he whips amazing no-look, behind-the-back, give-and-go passes to his teammates who are completely unready for this sort of thing, and so the passes often bonk stupidly off their chests. The reason I'm glad that I'm not friends with Steve Nash is that I feel like I would never be able to relax around him. You'd be over at his house, eating dinner, and you'd be all like, "Hey, Steve, pass the mashed potatoes..." and then suddenly an AMAZING NO-LOOK PASS WOULD FLY OUT OF NOWHERE AND SLAM AGAINST YOUR HEAD, knocking you unconscious.
I like Steve Nash so much, in fact, that I'm going to quote my good buddy Chuck Klosterman on him:
...Canadian hoopster Steve Nash supposedly dated Elizabeth Hurley, but she's about ten times more famous than he is, even in Canada. ...However, you gotta give Steve Nash this: On December 11, 2001, Nash scored 39 points against the Portland Trail Blazers on 12 of 16 shooting. He scored 17 points over the final 6:23, including two free throws with 3.9 seconds remaining that gave Phoenix the win. And then he went back to his hotel room AND PROBABLY HAD SEX WITH ELIZABETH HURLEY. Nice night, dude.
Indeed. Steve Nash, you are awesome. We praise you with great praise. Prediction: 62 wins
LA Lakers: The Lakers are only okay, but they have Kobe Bryant, who's currently the best player in the league, which makes them more than okay, if you follow me. Kobe and I both grew up in the suburbs of Philadelphia, were born ten days apart, and went to adjoining high schools. He would routinely play against my high school and score 68 points a game. Then, he went straight to the NBA, won three titles, and became the best player in the league. Also, he speaks fluent Italian.
During this same period of time, I... went to college, went to grad school, went to law school, and started writing a blog. I don't speak any other languages. And somehow, I just feel like I'm losing the battle of Me vs. Kobe.
But on the other hand, everyone hates Kobe Bryant. He forced the Lakers to trade their All-Star center Shaquille O'Neal, which instantly made their team bad. He did this because he wanted to be the best player on the team. What happened next? The Lakers were suddenly not good, and Kobe started whining about how management was doing a terrible job, and why didn't they have better players, and blah blah. Then, he was accused of raping a 19 year-old girl. Then, Shaquille won a title with his new team. Then, Kobe whined some more. Then he demanded a trade. But he refused to let the Lakers trade him to a team that wasn't good. The Lakers said, "We can't trade you to a bad team, and good teams would have to give us their best players for you, making them bad teams, which you refuse to go to. So we're not going to trade you." Then, Kobe whined some more. I kind of feel like I'm winning now. Prediction: 48 wins
LA Clippers: Thank god, I have nothing interesting to say about the LA Clippers. Those last two entries went on for way too long. Prediction: 45 wins
Sacramento Kings: Hey, did you know that Sacramento is the capital of California? Give yourself a pat on the back if you did.
The Kings' best player is the completely insane Ron Artest, otherwise known as "the only player in the NBA to run into the stands and start punching fans." He has also been sent to jail for spousal abuse and animal abuse. He also routinely gets in fights with other players. He's insane. When I used to play video game basketball with my friend Dan, we used to joke that Ron Artest should have "special moves," like the characters in "Mortal Kombat." Like, you press X, O, X, triangle, square, and then Artest executes a "killer move," and rips out the opposing player's heart and eats it. Which was kind of a funny joke, but only kind of. Prediction: 33 wins
Golden State Warriors: They're not very good. Also, I hate their Ready-Kilowatt-meets-the-FTD-Florist-guy logo. And their name is vague. "Golden State," for those of you who don't speak basketballese, means "Oakland, California." Prediction: 32 wins
--Oliver
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Por Favor, Hugo!
11/20/2007 1:14:55 PM
That King Juan Carlos of Spain doesn't fuck around, at least it comes to Hugo Chavez. Yes, this video blog is getting political!
So there was this Ibero-American Conference thingie last week, and Chavez -- who last year claimed that Noam Chomsky was dead and called George W. Bush "Satan" on the floor of the UN -- wouldn't stop running off at the mouth. Finally, Juan lost it and asked "Por que no te callas?", which translates in Internet speak to "STFU AND GTFO!" (No, actually it means "Why don't you shut up?" but GTFO is funnier and more poiticians should use Internet speak.) Then Europeans went apeshit, because no one puts Hugo Chavez in a corner. Seriously.
Then Guanabee posted a remix of "Por que no te callas?" and the rest is viral video history.
Hugo and King Juan should answer for themselves in front of Judge Judy. She'd get them to shape up in a heartbeat! Judge Judy for Queen of America. Or something.
Via Guanabee
--JGH
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Hooksexup's NBA Preview, part the fourth
11/20/2007 11:29:56 AM
PART FOUR -- THE NORTHWEST DIVISION
Utah Jazz: Yeah, the Utah Jazz. Let's make our "but it's illegal to listen to jazz music or be a black person in Utah" jokes and then move on, shall we? (The reason for their nickname: they used to be the New Orleans Jazz, but they moved. When you think about it, it's probably for the best that they kept the name. What the hell is a good name for a team based in Utah? The Utah Honkies? The Utah Lack of Booze? The Utah Oh My God I Can't Believe We're in Fucking Utahs? ...By the way, you know what's a weird word to type over and over again? "Utah." Seriously. I feel crazy now.)
ANY-way, the Jazz have had the same coach for twenty years, and have also been consistently good for twenty years. This is annoying to say, me, because my home team, the Sixers, have had something like fifteen coaches over the last twenty years, and have sucked. Vexing! Also, the Jazz's best player is a Russian named Andrei Kirilenko, whose uniform number is 47. His nickname? "AK-47." That's cool. Prediction: 55 wins
Denver Nuggets: Ahh, the Denver Nuggets. Let me tell you a story: my hometown Philadelphia 76ers once had a very good player. He was my favorite player of all time, in fact. His name was Allen Iverson. He got sick of playing for the Sixers and losing every year, and demanded a trade, and so we traded him to the Denver Nuggets for three vintage "Star Wars" action figures and half of a ham sandwich. I was really mad about this. Everything that I've written above is true, except for the Star Wars and sandwich part. Actually, we traded him for an aging point guard who can't play defense. I think my head is going to explode now. Prediction: 53 wins
Portland Trail Blazers: I love the Blazers' logo. Look at that thing! It's so cool and 70s-ish. The Trail Blazers are famous for once drafting someone named Sam Bowie over a player named Michael Jordan. This past year, they drafted someone named Greg Oden over a player named Kevin Durant. I'd explain the similarities here, but by doing this, I'd be assuming that you guys actually care about basketball, and I'm not totally convinced that that's the case. Prediction: 37 wins
Seattle SuperSonics: ...They're the ones who drafted Kevin Durant. Not that you care. Unfortunately, their owner is a dick who wants to move the entire team to Oklahoma City. ...On an unrelated note, Oklahoma is one of those states that I can forget about for years at a time. Sort of like Wyoming, which is... next to Nevada, right? I know these states exist, they probably vote Republican, and I have no further opinion on them. Also, I just realized that I've never had to type the word "Wyoming" in my entire life before, and I fucked it up about five times while trying to write this. Whyoming? Wyhoming? Fuck it. Prediction: 27 wins
Minnesota Timberwolves: Actually, speaking of which, I always forget that Minnesota is a whole entire state, and not just a city. The city that I'm thinking of, apparently, is Minneapolis. I'm not a total retard, it's just that I can only remember things about states that are actually interesting. Like, for example, did you know that the capital of Vermont is Montpelier? That's right. Montpelier!
Anyway, the Timberwolves. That's a bad-ass name for a team. I like it. I don't know what the difference between Timberwolves and regular wolves is, but I'm hoping that Timberwolves either jump out at you from the tops of pine trees, or that they are really good at woodcrafts and like to whittle. Either way, bad-ass. Prediction: 22 wins
--Oliver
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Awww!
11/20/2007 8:56:46 AM
Following the recent passing of his beloved mom Donda, Kanye dedicated Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" to her memory.
Watch! Even if you feel nothing but haterade for Kanye, this boy just plain ol' misses his mama. It's easy to forgive him for being a tool with stuff like this!
*Sniff*
-JGH
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Man in India Marries Dog, We Don't Make Fun of Him
11/19/2007 2:53:43 PM
The Associated Press reports the following:
NEW DELHI - A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.
P. Selvakumar married the sari-draped former stray named Selvi, chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.
Actually, I find this story to be alternately touching and disturbing (you can read the rest here).
I find it touching, because the dog is cute. And also, because after the wedding, the family had a feast, and the dog received a "bun" as a treat. Cute!
But even though there's no ha-ha-bestiality going on here (the guy has a real family), I still find this story to be disturbing, because he married the dog to atone for, quote, "killing two dogs and hanging their bodies from a tree." Eeegh! Why'd he do that? Hopefully they were feral wild dogs that were killing babies, or some such. Even so, hanging dogs from a tree sort of crosses a major line for me.
...And now, I have a confession to make. I didn't read the article too closely the first time around, so I thought; "Hey! This'll be funny to write about!" I even had a parody of the wedding vows written up. (Sample: "Who's a good bride? Oh! Ohhhhh! Who's a good bride? Is it you? Is it you? Yesssss. Oh yes it is! Oh yes it is!") ...But now, I can't decide if this story is sad or funny or tragic or all three, so I'm just going to skip it.
--Oliver
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