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Remember, friends, there's love out there for everyone. —SH

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Earlier today we posted a suggestive Cadbury commercial from the 1970s. Now we bring you the 21st century suggestive commercial. Is it us, or are the guys in advertising just kinda spinning their wheels? (Thanks to Adria, who would like to add that Canadian hip-hop rules.) —SH

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As we somehow manage to mention every day, Xanadu has come to Broadway. One day, when we’re a little drunker, we’ll tell you about our gushing fangirl love for ELO. But now we must speak of Olivia Newton-John, the sweetheart-turned-sluthound who taught Britney to hump a shag carpet, who taught Jessica to rock red lip gloss and stilettos. Thought that was Madonna? Think again. The great ONJ has had far more influence on today’s culture than she is ever really given credit for. Recently we were sent a video we’d never seen, “Carried Away” (from the Physical album), in which Olivia rolls around in her bedazzled workout gear and fine-tunes her downward dog. This is what she did every afternoon, right? —SH

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This 1970s chocolate bar ad takes suggestive advertising to the next level. Just imagine what fun they could have had with the Cadbury creme egg! A little more blood dripping from the ceiling, and this could be a Mickey Rourke movie. (via GiggleSugar) —SH

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Growing up, we loved the Choose Your Own Adventure books. We read the shit out of those. So we couldn’t help but swoon to discover that some wily San Franciscans have created a real-life choose-your-own-adventure romance with stencils on the city sidewalks.

“It’s a love story with 2 characters who start in different locations. His story starts at 16th and Valencia, in front of the Crown Hotel / Limon Restaurant with the text "He Leaves his Lonely Apartment." Her story starts at 21st and Guerrero in front of a stunning mansion with the text, "She Leaves her Lonely Apartment." Eventually their paths merge, at the point where they meet, and their paths travel together until drama pulls them apart.”

Will the lovers find each other, or will they get sidetracked by shiny new iBooks and yuppie gentrification? Possible last panel: Move in together, or sell hip Mission apartment to Pinkberry? (via BoingBoing)—SH


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Ikea’s Norway store has opened a hostel where weary shopping can crash out overnight if they aren’t finished shopping. There’s even a bridal suite, “with a round bed and a hanging chandelier.” Of course, it will take your marriage five hours to assemble, and if you nudge it hard, some of the paneling will break. —SH

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Producers of the Off-Broadway show My First Time (based on the website) are offering free tickets to virgins. How will they know these so-called virgins are telling the truth? Ticket sellers will be looking for evidence that you own a real doll and/or gave birth to the Christ child. (Thanks to Scanner pal Lisa for the link.) —SH

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A while ago, my Scanner cohort Nicole (who’s on vacation in Canada today, by the way, sampling their mediocre rap) found a documentary on real dolls—you know, those creepy, life-like dolls that dudes can screw? They’re kind of a like a vibrator. Except our pocket rocket doesn’t look like Johnny Depp. (Yet!) Anyway, the problem with this video is that it was 47 minutes, which is too long by about 46 minutes and 50 seconds, so we kicked it around for days, going, “Are you gonna watch it?” / “Eh, too busy watching cat videos,” etc. etc. Fortunately,
Feministing has done the heavy lifting for us. Actually, we suspect they didn’t watch it either. You guys, it is 47 minutes long! But it was less than one minute in that we got this nugget:

“I think the problem my father has with my relationship with [my real doll] is that she’s not alive.”

We hear the last segment is also cringe-inducing. Apparently a woman meets her boyfriend’s eight real dolls. That is sad. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go seek companionship from our cat and love in a gallon of Blue Bell. —SH


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Hey, Scannerites, it’s Friday the 13th. Boooo, scary. In honor of this momentous occasion, we thought we’d honor the vampire legend that launched a million goths. Well, first we thought we’d prank call you, ask you what you were wearing, and then string up a fake dead cat in your window, but then we decided, eh, let’s go with the Count thing instead. So here we are. Can you count the Counts? You know them all surely. And now it’s time to decide whose coffin you will sneak into, who you will wed in a creepy Victorian ceremony scored by My Chemical Romance, and who gets a stake through the heart. (Real quick: As kids, we used to think you killed a vampire by putting a steak through his heart, and we were always like, Mmm, tasty.) —SH

Marry, Fuck, or Kill:

• a. Count Dracula
  
• b. Count Chocula
  
• c. The Count
  
  
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• Amazingly, satirizing racial stereotypes creates controversy: Upcoming BET show Hot Ghetto Mess draws fire for the way it depicts blacks. "Where are these people, when it comes to shows like 'Flavor of Love' or 'Maury,' when the 25th man is being tested as a baby's daddy?"

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• And now for Plan B: As sales for the morning-after pill Plan B soar, so does the controversy. "He just laughed and told the attendant to tell me no one would give it to me. I was enraged and humiliated."

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• So wait: The kids really ARE all right?: Study finds fewer high school students are having sex, teen pregnancies down, and more teens are using condoms. More and more teens, however, are humping their iPhone.

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• You can imagine what they charge for a vodka and soda:The rise of upscale bottled water in New York. If you want some "Bling H2O," plan on paying an amazing $55 for less than a liter.

So Miss New Jersey finally revealed some of those salacious pics she's being blackmailed over, and what do you know? That is totally us in the left-hand corner. It was Halloween, and we were wearing our “drunk douchebag” outfit. Right before this photo was snapped, we were all, “Hey, Amy, where’s the capital of New Jersey?” And then this happened. Who knew we’d make history? —SH

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Shhh. Walk carefully. You don’t want to disturb the quiet sexual revolution going on in Vietnam right now. Could this be the work of 21 Jump Street’s Dustin Nguyen? (Sorry, he's the only Vietnamese actor we could think of off the top of our heads.) After all, he is one cool cop. You can't take pictures of him planting these seeds of revolution, however. Nguyen works undercover, natch. —SH

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Last week, for some reason still unknown to us, we brought you our Top Five Favorite kinds of women’s underwear. We can only assume that Yahoo! News is trying to bite our style, because today they print an article on underwear’s influence on Western culture, including its role in helping literacy. We so totally knew that. Like, we owe half of our education to a pair of Underoos. (Whoa, Underoos! What an oversight! Best Women’s Underpants, #2.5.) Anyway, back off, Yahoo! The Hanes beat is ours. You’ll have to pillow fight us for it. —SH

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Isn't David Letterman just the cutest thing, pumping away at that Optimus Prime toy? We want to take Dave to Toys'R'Us and watch him make thinly veiled references to masturbation with action figures and Cabbage Patch Kids alike. —NP

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There are many questions that plague us throughout the ages: Do I look fat in this dress? Is that a rash? Why is John Stamos looking at me funny? Here is another for the books: Star Trek: Next Generation Episode or Christian Metal Band? We scored a solid six out of 12 on this quiz. Righteous. (via Pop Candy)—SH

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Somebody page Anna Wintour. It’s Condom Fashion Week in Beijing, celebrated with a condom fashion show. Our understanding of fashion is that all runway shows are composed of disposable, impractical crap, but apparently, this one was special. Condom wedding gowns, condom bikinis. We assume the models were snorting condom heroin and smoking Durex unfiltered. —SH

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We read hard news. We do! Serious, tragic things are happening in the world. People are dying, and it’s nothing to laugh about. Our friend Pietro has alerted us to this New York Times story about a tragedy in the Phillipines.

His forces fought back after marines attacked an MILF stronghold.

Hmm. We’ve sought refuge in a MILF stronghold before, but it always ended with a grating marathon of Desperate Housewives and a box-wine binge. —SH


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Someone leaked gay-ish messages between Lindsay Lohan and her lesbo-gang-member looking "best friend" Samantha Ronson. We know you'll probably disagree, but we think Ronson is hot in a pink-pistol-packing sort of way. She sort of looks like our friend Julie. Still, we wonder if she didn't leak the messages herself, and we'd like to remind Lindsay that we're on MySpace, too. (By "we" I mean, Nicole. Sarah is not on MySpace, so don't get excited.) Lindsay, you can secret MySpace message us anytime you want. We promise to be nothing, if not discrete. It's not like we're desperate, whorish writers who blog, or anything like that. We genuinely want to give support and love to 21-year-old Hollywood elites with careers that are tanking faster than a teenage boy can beat off into a cantaloupe. —NP


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Sometimes, we don’t know why we ever bothered getting older. Nothing changed, except now we pay income tax. Xanadu is on Broadway, the two Coreys are back, Desperately Seeking Susan is becoming a musical, and now Footloose is being remade. Man, it’s like life is just one big rerun, starring the cast of High School Musical.

HSM hottie-to-the-tweens Zac Efran will star as Ren McCormack, lone iconoclast in a Southern Baptist town who teaches everyone to dance, to love, and to crank up the Bonnie Tyler. Speaking of, we know just the lady to play his love interest.

So what does Kevin Bacon think of all this? We’re pretty sure he’s too busy being separated by every living person by six degrees to comment, but in other bacon news: Bacon chocolate! Probably starring the cast of High School Musical. —SH

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• Who says cyber sex can't get you pregnant?: In 46% of 20,000 calls to a Shanghai teen pregnancy hotline, the couple met online. Most of the would-be fathers disappeared after being told of the pregnancies, while in some cases the girls did not even know their partners' true names, the report said.

  
  
  

• Controversy continues:Death sentence upheld for medical workers who infected Libyan children with HIV. About 20 relatives of children who were infected with HIV rejoiced at the court’s ruling and chanted: "Long live justice!"

  
  
  

• At least he doesn't want a reality TV show: Drummer from the band Blur seeks a seat in Parliament. Mr Rowntree did not oppose the Iraq War and is against unilateral nuclear disarmament, although he has described himself as a Socialist.

  
  
  

• Xanadu the Musical: Simultaneously indefensible and irresistible.

UPDATE: After more coffee and a proper schooling on the topic, the headline for the second news item has been changed. Thanks, friends, for your patience.


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Anne Heche is in the news again. She's fighting over furniture with her ex-husband, and she pulled a bunch of buttons off his dress shirts. Thank God! Here at Scanner, Anne Heche is poised to become our new David Hasselhoff (Well, she's poised to become Nicole's new David Hasselhoff. Sarah's David Hasselhoff is, and always will be, David Hasselhoff.) We pray that Anne Heche's life never stops being an alien-riddled, adulterous, ten-car pile up outside Roswell, New Mexico. But if, one day, she does by some stroke of dumb luck get her act together, we'll always have Call Me Crazy: A Memoir by Anne Heche. Excerpted from Chapter Two:

I wanted to do everything my older siblings did. They dove off the high dive at the pool and had friends that would give them the equivalent of high fives when they won. I really don't know if people gave high fives back then. It's a trend now that's so silly I can't believe we all do it, but we do. Whenever someone does something good it's "High five!" And we smack hands. Hilarious.

(Human behavior is so intriguing. I find myself giving thumbs-up signs all the time. I know I look like an absolute dork, but I do it anyway. I want to get a trend going where we're giving each other thumbs-up signs for just being alive and walking down the street. Sometimes life is so hard and we judge people rather than realizing that it's an accomplishment to simply get up in the morning. So ... thumbs-up! You're awake.)

You're welcome Scannerites. High five! —NP


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The mediocre Hollywood film to stage musical club just got a new member. We've seen the movie Desperately Seeking Susan a bunch of times, and all we really remember is Madonna dancing around with rat's nest hair that we inexplicably coveted. Now there's a musical opening in Britain based on the movie, and without, get this, "Into the Groove." Since this musical will not provide two minutes, let alone two-plus hours of Madonna dancing around with hair she hasn't had in twenty years, we are going to have to pass.—NP

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Since reading this New York Times profile of hipster librarians, we can't help but fantasize about tattooed, drunken bookworms who speak "Dewey" to us while they organize collections of Victorian erotica. We've said it before and we'll say it over, and over again, librarians are hot! So are their pimped-out bookcarts. We long for the day one will take us into the stacks, and reshelve our books on one of those adorable step stools. —NP

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Well, it had to happen sometime. The good-time kids at CollegeHumor.com have replaced the lovely, starry-eyed Ariel's memorable solo with a smut-mouthed song about hittin' it. Sigh. All we can say is: Why didn't we think of this first? (via Gigglesugar) —SH



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There's a new and terrifying way to "eliminate" panty lines: the C-String. This video breaks the incomprehensible tramp-wear down. It seems that the C-String is not particularly comfortable, could fall off at any moment, and probably shouldn't be worn around young children. The upside, if you wear it to the beach, no tan lines! Women need to chill on this whole no panty-line fixation. If your life-force really can't withstand others knowing you wear underwear, bite the bullet and go commando. It will be a cold day in hell before we put a headband over our vaginas.(via Jezebel) —NP

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Residents of an Oregon town are heated over traffic posts that remind them too much of love posts. Like, when you go home with a girl and she lets you put the post in. That kind of post. Surprisingly, the city planners responsible didn't mean for the posts to look like giant phalluses. According to this article,

The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go.

So, in an effort to make these posts more family friendly they're going to give them cockrings and bondage collars. We couldn't have come up with a better idea ourselves. —NP

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The Slurpee celebrates its 80th birthday today by giving out free 7.11-oz cups, and damn, we could go for some icy-cold Wild Cherry action right now. Do you know how much we love a Slurpee? Our love wouldn’t even fit into a Super Big Gulp. If our love were a Slurpee, it would turn your brain into an iceberg. Maybe later today, we’ll head down to the nearest 7-11, get our frozen treat on, and treat the Wild Cherry Slurpee to a threesome with a Chipwich. —SH

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Some people are obsessed with the NYT Vows column. Not us. We prefer the Crossword. And the Best Buy inserts. However, sometimes wedding announcements do make for good reading. And this is one of those times. (Thanks to Jeff.) —SH

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The baby photographed on the cover of Nirvana’s Nevermind has just turned 16. We’re eagerly anticipating his Playgirl cover and future drug arrest. In the meantime, we just threw out our backs typing this.
(via Neatorama) —SH


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Here is something about Kanye West: Man loves his porn. We have talked about this before, back when Kanye appeared on Ellen Degeneres with his mama and declared his porn addiction to the world, along with a rather uncomfortable and unsuspecting studio audience. But he was just getting started. On his new mixtape, Kanye riffs about the throbbing boner he has to attend the Grammys of Porn, aka the AVN Awards.

“Rick Rubin asked me to go to the AVNs. I was like, ‘I can’t do it. I just made ‘Jesus Walks.’ They gonna see me, and they’re gonna take away my NAACP award. I gotta watch porn in the privacy of my own home… But one day, I’ll be there. I’m gonna have some gloves with the fingers cut off, so I can touch.”

Hey Kanye, we hear Ron Jeremy can seriously scratch. They don’t call him the Hedgehog for nothing. (Thanks to Mike for the link.) —SH


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• Now if someone would just choose an ABBA campaign song: LOGO will broadcast the first-ever presidential debate
  devoted to gay issues. The panelists in a statement said they plan to cover a range of issues including relationship recognition, marriage equality, workplace fairness, the military, hate crimes, HIV/AIDS and other important issues.

• And now, for something totally effed up: Female genital mutilation becoming a problem in Britain. Midwife Comfort Momoh told the news conference she treats 400-500 victims every year.

• But he swears he’ll be on time for the divorce: Teacher flies from Wales to Toronto for a wedding only to discover he is a year early. I booked my ticket, paid £500 to fly into Cardiff, got the old suit cleaned, the goatee trimmed, the head shaved— I was going to be the belle of the ball."

• Ladies and gentleman, we have found our soulmate: Internet-shy writer discovers she is a fiend for online karaoke. The main advantage of a karaoke Web site, I learned, is that I could humiliate myself 24 hours a day.

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We told you before about the lesbian gangs that Bill O'Reilly and Ron Wheeler believe to be taking over America and raping women with pick pistols. Was it clear then that we thought this was as real as Carmen Electra's breasts? We don't understand how anyone could have believed this can of crap, but we appreciate that some diligent journalists have taken the time to officially disprove the rumor. There are no widespread, roving gangs of bloodthirsty lesbian criminals in your town. If you, at any point, believed that there were, you need to have a bullshit detector installed immediately. —NP

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Long before we became a Scanner blogger, we were an amateur Scientologist expert. This didn’t pay as much, but it certainly kept the engrams away. One of the most common questions asked of us in these days was: “What is Scientology?” In response, we gently directed them to a Scientology orientation video or made a cuckoo winding gesture with our index finger. The remarkable thing about Scientology is how hard it is to define. Even million-page Dianetics, which is like the desperate, throttled cry of a speed freak, doesn’t define it. But here is what we know: Scientology harbors a secret so profound, so mind-boggling that when Tom Cruise discovered it, he broke down. (True story!) Does it involve aliens? Does it involve juicy Polaroids of John Travolta? You betcha. But we hope that even more than these things, it involves this buttplug, which is guaranteed to take you to a level 5 Operating Thetan. Now, where you put your e-meter—that’s between you and L. Ron, baby. (Thanks to Kate for the Celebritybuttplugs.com link. This mention has surely made her mother proud!) —SH

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Okay, sexy people, listen up: Hooksexup is hosting a premiere of our new, original online video series Tight Shots tonight, July 10, at 9pm, at the Two Boots Pioneer Theater (E. 3rd between Avenues A and B). We've posted one of the trailers up here just for you. And, as if things couldn't get any easier, you can buy tickets here.

For those of you who don’t live in the New York area, well, maybe you aren’t sweating as badly as we are today. And in the comfort of your air-conditioned hyperbaric chamber, you can watch the first installment here. Guess it’s your lucky day. —SH


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Is it just us or is Paula Abdul kind of cute in this clip? Like not drunk and slurring, or french kissing her dog, or complaining because she doesn't have sweat pants. She's merely standing next to a British guy's hard on, wearing a wig and dressed as a wizard in training. Which is what she should be doing, apparently. —NP

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Israel is close to passing a law that would ban users from accessing Internet sites depicting sex and violence unless they register with the government and identify themselves as over 18. We are so happy we don't live in Israel. Just a quick glance at out browser history makes it clear we'd end up on some list of alienated, malfunctioning deviants. No more Pornotube. We'd have to kiss facegoo.com and montrealsluts.com goodbye. And we can forget about sexinchrist.com. Israeli porn addicts, our hearts go out to you. Be strong and try not to let the man catch you with your pants down. —NP

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In honor of the Simpson's movie, your devoted Scanner writers have turned themselves into yellow cartoon people. Later today we're going shopping at the Quickie Mart. Afterwards, we're going to point a gun at Conan O'Brien and force him to marry us. Then we're going to fight over who actually gets to marry him because he already has one wife, and three is just a crowd. But don't feel bad for Sarah when she loses the fight, she'll get to marry the winner of the Simpsons best character tournament.—NP

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Friends, we are living in the golden age of lubricants. Not only does KY Jelly have more products than Nestle, but now—NOW! — Replens has sent us word of their new lubricated mousse. The following landed in our inbox today, and we could not wait to share the the good news:

Move over K-Y and Astroglide!

Cedar Rapids (July 10, 2007): Intimate Options Personal Lubricant Mousse has all the benefits of a lubricant without the negatives. It is light and airy when dispensed, and becomes smooth and silky on contact. Because it is a mousse it is self-contained, causing no runny mess or sticky residue, so you can place the right amount exactly where you want it.

After conducting a study of nearly 1,500 women, Lil’ Drug Store learned that, while 71% of women over the age of 18 had used a lubricant, only 10.1% said that they were Very Satisfied with the lubricants they had tried in the past. On a scale of 1 to 5, 60.4% rated their satisfaction level at a 3 or below.

Look, if it comes from Cedar Rapids and the good people at Lil’ Drug Store, then you know this is a stone-cold dose of truth. And as we all know, in the middle of the ol' in-out, there’s no sexier sound than psssssssht. —SH


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We didn’t want to like Flight of the Conchords. No reason, we’re just cranky like that. Got tired of the posters, didn’t quite get the fake-folk-acoustic-duo concept, plus we have a seething and irrational hatred of all things New Zealand. (Grrr, kiwis!!) Turns out, we love this show. LOVE IT. It has the deadpan wit and absurdity of classic Monty Python. Except it’s about annoying indie bands in New York instead of, like, British inns. Here’s a snippet in which one-half of the duo has written a love song about his new girl and the other band member critiques it:

‘I’d climb the highest mountain.’ Would you actually do that? Probably not. Well, you’re sort of promising that you would. It’s a metaphor. Oh, okay. What’s it a metaphor for? That I’d do anything for her. Would you climb the highest mountain for her? No. Pass me that. I wouldn’t do a lot of this stuff. Would you swallow a whole sword? The sword, huh. I probably wouldn’t do that either. Maybe you should make it more realistic. Like what?? ‘I would hang out with you.’ Ah, that’s good.

We bring this up because Yahoo is streaming the latest episode today, and we suggest you watch it. We wouldn’t climb the highest mountain for these guys, but we would consider upgrading our cable package. —SH


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Quarters are the official favorite denomination of Scanner. No cheeky reason, we just love them. Now someone went and made our day with these naughty state quarters. They won't work at the laundromat, but this finally confirms what we've always suspected: the "Show Me" state is full of whores. —NP

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Now that Daniel Radcliffe has popped the Harry Potter cherry by appearing naked onstage, we feel comfortable pointing out that the entire cast has gotten rather cheesecake. Here at Scanner, we don’t really know our Hogwarts from a hole in our head, but we do know a good-looking cast when we see one. Sheesh, even the ginger kid is looking good these days. So as you prime your magic sword and dust off your cloak for the movie’s opening tomorrow, we must ask the inevitable:

Who Would You Rather?: Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Hermione Granger (Emma Watson), or Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint)?

UPDATE: We're sorry for forcing you to choose between three barely legal (or actually illegal) teenagers. We are rotten people, but we know that some of you liked it. It was a close call, but it turns out that the star of Harry Potter is not the star of your very very dirty minds. Instead you'd like to teach Rupert Grint a few magic tricks.

Winner: Rupert Grint and his 18-year-old, winning smile. —SH


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• Famous people are freaks: Reporters interviewing Madonna after the Live Earth concert were instructed to maintain eye contact at all times. Presenters were also forbidden to ask about husband Guy Ritchie, her controversial Kaballah religion and their recent adoption of Malawian baby David. Instead, all questions had to be about Live Earth.

  
  
  

• Moo-ve over boys: Women in Pamplona are demanding their own running of the bulls, but with cows, instead of bulls, natch. "Cows, as well as bulls, have four legs and a natural instinct to run," says their manifesto. "An encierro for cows, would put Pamplona at the vanguard of traditional fiestas with equality for men and women."

  
  
  

• Adultery: One more thing we won't be doing in Iran: An Iranian man was stoned to death for committing adultery. Under Iran's Islamic law, adultery is still theoretically punishable by stoning although in late 2002, judiciary head Ayatollah Mahmoud Hashemi Shahrudi had issued a directive suspending the practice.

  
  
  
  

• This is just the beginning, folks: Louisiana Senator David Vitter's telephone number was on the DC Madam's phone list. "This was a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible," Vitter said Monday in a printed statement. "Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my

Pat Kiernan is our kind of nerd. Every morning, as he reads the news to us on the nerdtastic NY1, all we can think about is sinking our hands into his shellacked hair, loosening up his tie, and teaching him the real meaning of gridlock. For all you non-New Yorkers out there, Pat Kiernan is also the host of VH1’s World Series of Pop Culture, which debuts tonight, and to which he brings the same smirking wit that lets you know he is much cooler than his haircut. (But a moment on that haircut: It’s like Lego Man hair! It’s like Davey-and-Goliath hair! It’s like non-human hair!) Pat Kiernan is married, and has been for a decade now, but Mrs. Kiernan, if you’re reading this, all we can say is: You are one lucky bitch.Pat Kiernan has the mind of Peter Jennings, the hair of an animated character, and he asks questions about Sir Mix-a-Lot.

And for that, he is our Crush of the Week. —SH


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This afternoon Conde Nast announced that the August issue of Jane Magazine will be its last. Scanner is so totally bummed. Janers stop by anytime for hugs and cookies, or if you ever need to burn an effigy or punch the shit out of a pillow. —NP

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We’ve had our share of bad roommate, but no one as crazy as this guy. If you start reading, cancel your Dance Dance Revolution date tonight. You’re going to be here for a while. —NP

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A UCLA student has Paris Hilton’s old phone number. We are more jealous than we were in 4th grade when Katie got the Barbie mobile home for Christmas and we got socks. We have never been more jealous of someone in our lives. She gets calls night and day from people who think they’re talking to Paris Hilton. Shira Barlow, go ahead and forward those calls right to Scanner. We will do a lot of good work with them and just take all the hassle off your hands. —NP

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We figured out what's been missing from our lives. No, not true love, or deep friendship, or a pet chicken. Turns out we've always longed for superhero costumes, choreography, the splits, and Bonnie Tyler. Thankfully, Tandi Iman Dupree has enough of all those things to forever fill the gaping black holes inside us. Watch this video and consider yourself complete. —NP

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We have nightmares that we wake up and look like this woman. It’s our version of Kafka. One day, we’re just another Scanner blogger, and the next day, we have tits that could breastfeed a developing nation. Obviously, some women (and men, we assume) are not as scared of such ginormous ta-tas, as the breast implant technology just keeps getting better. No cure for cancer yet, but ladies: Lunch-break boob jobs are right around the corner. Nice! Step out for a soda and come back with two giant cans.

In related news, a not-entirely-reliable-news-source (Funreports.com? Isn’t that Bob Woodward’s mag?) is telling us that boob jobs are the number-one secondary graduation gift in Italy. If it’s true then, judging by this picture, we’re guessing that back braces will be the number-one college gift. That and a forklift. —SH

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Have you seen The Real Ellen Story? We just discovered the 1998 documentary about Ellen's coming out episode, and we are in love: with Ellen, with Betty, and Vance, and the whole Ellen show crew. We cried twice. And only one of those cries was because we were scared Anne Heche would come through the computer screen and tell us about aliens. —NP

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Ft. Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle has a brilliant plan for ending all that “homosexual sex” that keeps going on in public restrooms. He wants to invest in six-figure toilets with doors that automatically open just when things start heating up. See, if you’re trying to shield the children from gay sex, probably not the best idea to have bathroom doors swinging open without warning. Oh, but we don’t really care about the logistics of the plan. We’re excited because Jim Naugle has made our jobs so easy and enjoyable.

Though police say sex in restrooms is no longer a hot crime, the mayor thinks it is. He talked about the illicit sex recently in public meetings, in an interview and in e-mails to residents.

We’re not even going to bother pulling out the joke. This stuff writes itself. If you need us, we'll be in the bathroom.—NP


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In a recent article, Gloria Steinem defended the chick flick, coining a new term for its polar opposite: “the prick flick.” Mizz Steinem makes some key points here, including one about the dismissive and related “chick lit” moniker: “As long as men are taken seriously when they write about the female half of the world—and women aren't taken seriously when writing about themselves much less about men or male affairs—the list of Great Authors will be more about power than about talent.” Good point, Gloria. But we have a feeling you didn’t pay full price for In the Land of Women.

And that’s the problem here. The problem is that Because I Said So is the nastiest piece of pablum masquerading as film since… Something’s Gotta Give? The problem is that Music and Lyrics was written by toddlers. The problem is that Diane Keaton’s career has veered so hideously off-track that we can no longer stay idly by and allow her to insult the human condition with her wacky hijinks and tasteful white gloves. And we love Diane Keaton. The problem is that chick flicks really do suck. They make us crazy. (Don’t agree? Give us an example.) For that matter, so do many “prick flicks,” though we prefer to call those by another name: Bruce Willis movies. (Thanks to Colette for the link.) —SH



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According to Page Six, Marilyn Monroe was too funky for Clark Gable’s taste. The supposed affair between the actors never actually happened because, while Gable was neat, Marilyn was a freak. The author of an upcoming biography of Gable claims:

Like Jean Harlow, she bleached her pubic hair and never wore panties . . . She suffered from what today would be described as a form of irritable bowel syndrome." Just as unappetizing, Bret claims, "she rarely bathed, slept in the nude and ate a lot in bed - shoving what was left on her plate under the sheets before going to sleep."

What about that isn’t sexy? Food in the bed is just good sense. Food under the pillow—even better.—NP


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Have you been combing the aisles at Target in search of that slightly paunchy knight in shining armor to sweep you off your feet and make your credit card debt disappear? Well, give it up girl, cause you might as well be looking for a snowflake in the desert. But don’t worry. Hope is not lost. MySugarDaddy.com promises to hook future trophy wives up with the men of their disturbed and demoralized dreams. Get ready: Your dreams of plastic surgery and Viagra-sponsored sex are about to come true. (via YesButNoButYes) —NP

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• Well, that happened: Didn’t watch Live Earth on TV? Join the club. But a record number watched it online, saving just enough energy to enjoy some Cheetos.

• And we bet she didn’t even shave her legs: 72-hour performance piece involves nothing but a woman getting ready for a date. Obviously, time was compressed for artistic purposes.

• The Great Barrier Reef is so ticked right now: New seven wonders of the world named following an online poll. Despite running a strong campaign, Britney Spears vagina did not make the list.

• Are faithful couples the new unicorns?: Author Pamela Druckerman on the rules of infidelity. At the core of the book is a possibility: does fidelity matter that much?
  
  
  
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