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Mary Louise-Parker, I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of seasons now, but after last night’s premiere of Weeds, this just feels right. Especially since your abusive, creepy DEA husband just got shot in the face. (Boy, didn’t think I’d be this nervous!) Here it is: Will you marry me? My love's true, MLP: love for your strength and composure in less-than-savory situations, for your savvy and self-awareness, and yes, for how fetching you are in lacy, black unmentionables. A little about me? I’m a catch! I’m great with teenagers and could be a positive role model for your sons. Bonus points: I’m well-versed in your “profession.” A businesswoman like yourself would be wise not to turn down an extra hand with work these days. I’m not even threatened by the obvious sexual attraction between you and this Romany Malco fellow. So what do you think? Take your time. I’ll be here all season. —John Constantine


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So, class, did you watch last night’s Pickup Artist like we assigned? Don’t worry if you missed it; VH1 will re-run it approximately five billion times over the next two weeks. A few highlights: Our host, “master pickup artist” Mystery, and his two wingmen still seem straight from the Criss Angel school of delivery and fashion. The word “avatar” was used with painful sincerity. Alvaro changed his name to Kosmo, for some reason no one can glean. And guys, if you want to land chicks, try this gem of a line: “Do you floss before or after you brush?”

But try as we might to JUST make fun of The Pickup Artist, we are starting to feel its negs and gambits landing our sets. That is to say, we might actually LIKE this show. Horrors! This has everything to do with the nerds themselves. Last night, a contestant who calls himself Spoon actually cried because he was so nervous about talking to a girl. (Britt Daniels just soiled his white linen suit in shame.) Eventually, the darling Spoon eliminated himself from the show, tearfully, which means he didn’t earn his fabled “pickup artist” medallions (like a karate belt for men in bars who won’t leave you alone), but Spoon did get a makeover and a little boost of confidence. And he doesn’t have to spend any more time with Mystery, so he really did come out ahead. —SH

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You know what you missed yesterday in NYC? Auditions for the Notorious B.I.G. movie. Good luck to all who tried out. Keep putting lyrical douches in their bushes. —NP

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Comedian Dan Bialek had a dream: To make the first webshow featuring heterosexual men in their underwear discussing men’s issues. So he slipped on his Jockeys, let the AC cool his bare nipples, and made “Dudes in Bed”. It’s just a few dudes chillin’ and discussing the things that matter. Like haircuts. Is it funny? Let’s just say that if dudes in bed were this exciting, we’d so full-on be a lesbian. —SH

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Oh, man. This is so ironic in the Alanis Morissette not-really-ironic-but-just-a-stirring-coincidence way. This article in the Daily Mirror claims Amy Winehouse is off to rehab with her husband alledgely for heroin and cocaine. Thank you Amy, for making the headline so easy to write. —NP

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The man in the pink bouncy ball is yet another weird thing happening in Japan we really want to be a part of. Like NOW! Can you just imagine seeing us hop down the street like that little cloud-thing from Nintendo, except pink and with tiny Sarah and Nicole heads popping out? Too adorable to live, that's what we'd be in these bubbles. It's a good thing, then, that we can only watch the video enviously. Because our place is here keeping you up-to-date on Anne Heche and nauseating plastic surgery. —NP

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We just learned of the disaster that is Sabrina Sabrok. We still don't know much about her, but from these photos of her metamorphosis we can see she's deeply dedicated to joining the plastic surgery freak parade with her enormous breasts. Breasts that could probably float a small barge or at least rescue a few shipwrecked sailors. Got any more information on this over-developed lady? Let us know. We're always looking to enhance our knowledge. —NP


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Matt Damon will be making an appearance on the September 3 episode of Arthur. That’s him. He’s a bear. Grrr!

In other news, Arthur is still on television? Whoa, it’s like the Seinfeld of animated PBS series. Back in the day—that day being September 4, 1983—we seriously dug Arthur. It’s possible Arthur, with his clunky glasses and obvious nasal problems, imprinted upon us our major thing for nerds. And aardvarks! (via PopCandy) —SH

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Chris Matthews really knows how to respect his female correspondents. In a Friday appearance on Hardball, correspondent Erin Burnett was reporting on—oh, glitter or tampons or some shit—when Matthews decided to take that moment to hit on her. An excerpt of the creepy exchange:

MATTHEWS: Could you get a little closer to the camera? … You look great! … You’re a knockout.

If you watch the tape of the exchange, you can tell that while she’s giving her report, Matthews is all, “Look at those tits, I wanna get my paws on those tits.” Nice sexual harrassment, Matthews. Can’t wait for Christiane Amanpour to come on your show, so you can snap her bra. (Thanks to Mike.) —SH


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Here at Scanner, we're all about the buddies. Everyone needs partner in crime to hold your hair back after too many mojitos and kick that drunk guy in the crotch when he makes fun of your bike helmet. There have been a lot of great onscreen duos, but, as New York Magazine reminds us, the very best was Paul Newman and Robert Redford in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Side-by-side shoot-outs, armed robberies, and horseback riding—we can't get enough of these two. Even though they're eligible for Social Security, we'd still invite them over tonight to listen to records and play naked Twister. But, forget that Brad Pitt rips off Redford every chance he gets, or that Newman is the king of organic food, think back to their glory days and tell us:

Who would you rather?: Robert Redford or Paul Newman?

UPDATE: The votes are in and they've been tallied. It was a very close contest. Our feelings are best expressed by the Scanner reader who said: Just be like Katherine Ross and do both. But since someone has to win, Butch Cassidy has your hearts, by a vote.

Winner: Paul Newman. Swoon. Sigh.

—NP

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CourtTV is hosting a Star for a day contest to promote the diva’s upcoming show. Prizes include a luxurious buffet of bib lettuce, a gay husband, and a persistant, low-grade feeling of self-hatred and inferiority that must be masked with expensive shoes. Good luck, bitches! —SH

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• 
  
• Because treating AIDS was going to be so easy before now: South African President Mbeki is politically vulnerable after firing well-respected deputy heath minister Nozizwe Madlala-Routledge for insubordination. Madlala-Routledge, a rising star in the South African Communist Party, has publicly criticised the health minister, a close Mbeki ally who horrified AIDS activists by suggesting fighting AIDS with garlic and beetroot rather than drugs.

  
  
  

• And what a lucky girlfriend she would be: An Australian magazine is being investigated for offering a "boob job for your girlfriend" as a prize in a contest. Australia prohibits offering cosmetic surgery as a contest prize. Magazine editor Paul Merrill [said] the competition was legal because it was simply offered cash, rather than a breast enhancement operation."If they choose to spend it on surgery they can. We've checked out all the legals."

  
  

• Thailand to match the name with the gender for those having sex reassignment surgery: People having sex reassignment surgery in Thailand may soon be able to legally change their titles. Wiroon Tangcharoen, an assembly member who is also rector of Srinakharinwirot University, said he supported the move and did not believe it would affect room assignments in university dormitories, where students are segregated by sex, The Nation newspaper said. Students wishing to live with members of their adopted gender would have to produce medical certificates proving they had undergone sex-change operations, he said.

We have never given a crap about wine. We like it boxed, pink, and Sweet & Low-flavored. Pretentious asshats who spend double digits for 14% alcohol content have always been suckers in our book.

Then we started watching Gary Vaynerchuk’s wine webcast. For about half an hour a day, Vaynerchuk holds forth on all things wine like an ESPN sportscaster. He’s hyperactive, loud, prone to lengthy digressions, and makes Thundercats action figures a part of the discussion. He also seems to know exactly what he’s talking about—he can use fancy wine words like “bouquet,” but also toss off taste descriptors like “cement” and “bouncy ball.” “I almost get a Band-Aid flavor from this one,” he said (not critically) of one wine in a recent episode. “The sticky part. I used to chew on that.” If a wine’s got too much oakiness, he does a scary tree impersonation called the Oak Monster. Before he takes a sip, he gives the wine “a little sniffy sniff” to see if it’s got a “b to b”—a bouquet to behold.

Thanks to Vaynerchuk, we actually sort of care about wine now. We realize it can’t just be for asshats, because Vaynerchuk’s not an asshat. He’s a fun, crazy, passionate guy who enjoys his alkie ascot-free, just like us.

And for that, he is our Crush of the Week. —Will Doig


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Judy Blume has announced plans for her own blog to launch later this month. Can we just take a minute and tell you how much we love the Blumester? There were years in our youth when her books were the only things on our shelves and nightstands. She’s like an older sister to us. If there weren’t already a book about how much she rocks, we’d write one. Now if we could only convince the Solid Gold dancers to blog, all our eight-year-old dreams would come true. —SH

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We've told you before about "vegansexuality," the sexual preference of vegans for vegans. We're down with any of you who decide to cut out the animal products, but we can't get behind attitudes towards meat-eaters like this one:

"Their body odor is pungent. Their sweat is extremely smelly. Their spit, and all their body fluids, are strong and stinky."

Really we are great. And not smelly at all. Except after tennis, which is just human. We are starting to feel pretty fursecuted right now. (Happy birthday to Paul.) —NP

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Did you know there are scads of videos on YouTube where hot women do tongue tricks in front of their webcams? This is true! We just learned about it. We feel ashamed, because all we can do with our tongue is make a really unattractive monkey face. Some women are much more talented and the proof is right here at YesButNoButYes waiting to make you mildly uncomfortable and suck you into its steamy, time-wasting vortex. —NP

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We're going to level with you and say that this video would be better if watched while on drugs. However, if you're not on drugs right now, it will make you feel like you're on drugs, which is also not a bad thing. There's a talking dog, a brave little boy, and a very scary looking flying unicorn thing. Can they save the Princess from the Ice King? Watch and find out! (Thanks to Kea for the link) —NP

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If this British condom ad has taught us anything, it's that some women are patient. More patient than we'd ever be. Dude, enough. We get that your penis is special and should be able to roam the Earth out of the packaging for all to know and love. Unfortunately, you cannot be doing that. So wrap it up. We'd bathe in spermicide before shaking your hand, but that's just us. —NP

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Now that Karl Rove has quit the White House, what will he do next? Scanner has obtained secret documents which indicate that Rove will take up work in one of the following:

• Hardcore rapper. But if Kanye West sells more albums than MC Rove, he’s outta the game.

  
  

• New host of The View! Finally, someone who can get along with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

  
  

• Provide more Wet Wipes for Terrence Howard. Because Terrence is so foxy, and women’s private parts are so dirty.

  
  

• Better father, kinder citizen. Ha! You didn't fall for that, did you?

  
  

• Mop boy at a leather club. Obvs.

Well, this was only a matter of time. Rachael Ray could only lick spoons and make the O-face so many times before some enterprising young thing with a working knowledge of Photoshop created Slutty Rachael Ray at FriendSpaceBook. We know, we know: You want to put a turkey in her oven. You want to grill her trout. You want to dice her garlic. (Whaaa? Sorry. Euphemism misfire!) We hear Rachael Ray is a nice lady. But Slutty Rachael Ray will love you loong time. (via BestWeekEver blog) —SH

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Esquire Magazine is hard at work teasing us over the identity of the Sexiest Woman Alive. Who could it be? Last year's was Scarlett Johansson. Before that, Jessica Biel, so they're out. We've got a few ideas. Kate Winslet's been looking pretty good lately. We'd say Naomi Watts for sure, but she had a baby in her for the past year and the woman in this photo doesn't look recently pregnant. Thoughts of Naomi Watts lead us straight to Charlize Theron for some reason, but Jessica Alba is Scanner Sarah's go-to hot girl in times of need. But hey, this lady is blonde and so is Andy Dick. What do you think? She's friends with Salma Hayek and drinks Gibsons. Is it obvious? Go ahead and blow her cover. —NP

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The Honey Doll is a silicon sex doll with touch sensors that can be programmed, via MP3s, to moan, gasp, fake-climax, and frustrate you just like a real woman. We’ve programmed our Honey Doll to play “Xanadu” every time we blow on her neck. For the truly capitalist sex doll owner, Honey Dolls can pick up extra cash as corpses on Law & Order. —SH

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• Breaking down the myths of the sex survey: When it comes to those surveys about the number of partners you’ve had, someone in the heterosexual community is lying. We suspect Andy Dick. Men and women in a population must have roughly equal numbers of partners. So, when men report many more than women, what is going on and what is to be believed?

  
  

• Trouble in Nollywood: A
  sex tape in Nigeria’s Muslim North, featuring a Nigerian actress, has caused a major outcry. Muslim clerics have condemned the clip and radio programs have been full of complaints about immorality in the film industry. The actress, who was not named by the paper, has gone into hiding.

  
  

• Not so fast, adulterers: EZ Pass data being used to catch cheaters. "E-ZPass is an E-ZPass to go directly to divorce court, because it's an easy way to show you took the off-ramp to adultery.”

  
  

• The best reason yet to buy Kanye’s album: 50 Cent says he’ll quit if he’s outsold by Kanye West. “I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out anymore solo albums.”

  
  
  
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Star

Isn't it crazy that Mario Lopez gets multi-page coverage in the tabloids? We always figured Mario was the Bell star who'd vanish the quickest, maybe enjoy a brief media reprise as an adult getting arrested for coke or kiddie porn. But this week Star reports he's just dying to sperminate his pretty girlfriend and former Dancing With the Stars mambo partner Karina Smirnoff. But! He doesn't want to marry her because he's "scared of commitment." He wants children, not an aging nag. So to recap: too scared to commit to marriage. But! Not too scared to commit to creating new human beings who would require his care until 2025.

Us Weekly

Jake Gyllenhaal coasted off Donnie Darko with a gazillion dollars in Cute Cash to burn. High school girls swooned over his bashful, bring-home-to-mom-ness appeal. Then he did Brokeback Mountain, and gay guys did the same. He had, as Bush says, capital. The people had given him a mandate -- to be cute. To be aww shucks, gosh darn loveable.

But Jake Gyllenhaal is taking that capital and Baghdading it. Too many links to too many actresses in too short a time. Too many rumors about Keira Knightley and Natalie Portman and Jessica Simpson, et al. Jessica Simpson, Jake? If Adam Levine wants to sleep with every woman in California, that's a-okay with us. But Jake is different, and now Reese Witherspoon has him "stashed" in hotel rooms while she semi-dates him and does press for Avon, according to Us. We think it's a mistake, a bad career move and just a little smarmy. Remember, Jake: Ryan Phillippe was aww shucks cute once, too.

Life & Style

Luckiest child on Earth, Maddox Jolie-Pitt, turned six, and the magazine gives it 10 full pages with shots of his birthday party in Santa Barbara. There were "ATVs, a waterslide and a dinosaur-shaped cake." Much is made of the fact that Brad came into Maddox's life "at precisely the right time," says a friend. "He needed a strong male influence as a role model." Also, a ticket out of Cambodia and billions of dollars.

Do you think Maddox is old enough yet to understand the jist of what's happened to him? Is he beginning to grasp the concept? Because I can't imagine a dose of heroin pure enough to equal what it's going to feel like the day that kid finally figures it out. — Will Doig

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The FCC issued the new call letters KUNT and KWTF to a sweet, unknowing man in Skokie, IL. Scanner Nicole's Grandma lives in Skokie, IL, and we think it's probably a good idea to pass those letters on to us under the table so that she doesn't hear about this little misunderstanding. We'll be sure to put the call letters to good use. —NP

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People are cheating on their wives on Second Life. Please get this away from us. We don’t want to acknowledge Second Life anymore. We did for a minute, but we’re done. It’s weird, and it seems boring. And this from people who spend 10 hours a day online. All we can say is this: Drop the computer in the bathtub and go have sex with your wife. When you are turning down real live sex for computer sex, you are in the shits, buddy. —NP

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This is the kind of kick-ass awesomeness meant for a Friday. The backstory? A female lion raised by humans is reunited with them after a year in the wild. Man, we had entire relationships that didn't have this much affection. Daddy, buy us a lion! —SH

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A reporter went to the Philippine jail where the famous Sister Act and “Thriller” dance numbers were performed to see the show in person. From what we can tell the story is an inspirational tale where dejected and demoralized prisoners find joy in group choreography and pop music. One prisoner was quoted as saying:

"Before the dancing, our problems were really heavy to bear. Dancing takes our minds away from our problems. Our bodies became more healthy. As for the judges, they may be impressed with us, seeing that we are being rehabilitated and this could help our case. We are being rehabilitated in a good way."

We hope that all the inmates are this enthusiastic about the upcoming Xanadu performance. —NP

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Oh, this stuff never gets old. Neatorama posted this photo of an unfortunately named Thai restaurant in Malaysia. This bodes well for our vasectomy diner idea. —SH

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We’ve already wasted too much breath on Spencer Pratt, the little troll in a gold necklace who haunts The Hills. But he has incited much drama this week. Excuse us: dramz, to quote the man himself. Enjoy his boring sociopathy, use of the term “beef curtains,” and enthusiasm for the ellipses here. Hate on, haterz. —SH

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There are many reasons to ridicule this Rolling Stone cover. First and foremost, heartthrob needs a hyphen! But also, the whole Zac Efron thing. Is his arm in a sling? Is he suffering from pesky clavicle itching? Could he look less sexy? Chances are, you look at this kid and think, "Pfft, gay." However, chances are, your 10-year-old niece looks at this picture and sees her future husband. And since Rolling Stone is a magazine that could only possibly still be relevant to 10 year olds, we ultimately have no guff with this cover.

See, we were 10 years old once. And back then, we liked our heartthrobs hairless and girlie: Rob Lowe, Duran Duran. Hell, some of us even had a thing for Boy George. The young female rarely gravitates toward virile, manly men. The more plucked and puppy-doggish, the more they look like a girl from gym class in faded jeans, the better. Thus, the success of boy bands. Thus, the success of Zac Efron, who is the pretty hero of High School Musical and today's answer to John Travola. And hey, look at what a talented actor and family man he turned out to be! —SH

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We took philsophy in college. And we know that one of the questions that rattled the great thinkers of our time, in addition to “What is that smell?,” is this: Joystick or Vibrator? Fortunately, for girls today, the Wii remote is both. But sometimes, it’s hard to tell. Take the quiz and test your philosophical mettle. (Thanks to Mike.) —SH

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Chances are, you know these novelists. But sometimes, you get them confused. You swap your Franzens for your Foers, your Lethems for your Franzens. So let’s do this together: That one on the left? That’s Jonathan Franzen, author of The Corrections, who will never be asked on Oprah again. The middle one is Jonathan Safran Foer—author of Everything Is Illuminated and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, as well as the husband of author Nicole Kraus. And on the right? Jonathan Lethem, proud Brooklynite and comic book fan, the man who brought us Fortress of Solitude. If you are a novelist, and your name is Jonathan, chances are the last few years have been good for you. But now we must, as they say in the biz, kill our darlings.

Who will you marry and live with in a cozy Brooklyn brownstone? Who will you bang in the janitor’s closet of the National Book Awards? And who will get killed off with no chance of a sequel or paperback rights?

Marry, Fuck, or Kill?

• Jonathan Franzen
  
• Jonathan Safran Foer
  
• Jonathan Lethem

—SH


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• Showgirls was robbed!: Wuthering Heights voted the greatest love story of all time. Almost all the entries in the top 20 choices of 2,000 readers are major works of English literature, with Jane Austen pipping Shakespeare as runner-up.

  
  

• The only place where Kucinich is a rock star: Democratic candidates experience their first televised debate on gay issues. In particular they grilled former Senator John Edwards, who has expressed religious concerns about same-sex marriage and who, according to a former consultant of his, once said about gays, “I’m not comfortable around those people.” Mr. Edwards moved swiftly to deny remark.

  
  

• What does a disgraced minister have to do to get fired around here?: New Life Church (finally!) ready to replace Ted Haggard. Since Haggard's fall, attendance has dropped more than 20 percent and giving has declined by 10 percent.

  
  

• You do not want to mess with the Harry Potter fan fiction community: Controversy ensues after LiveJournal deletes some user accounts for erotic fan photos it considers child pornography. The offending image depicted an unclothed Harry Potter of ambiguous age receiving oral sex from sometimes-villain Severus Snape.

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Nine months pregnant, American Idol auditionee Antoria Gillon sang through contractions before agreeing to be rushed to the hospital to give birth to her son Jamil LaBarron Idol McCowan. We're not sure if this is a reason to never get pregnant or to never audition for American Idol, but we feel it should give everyone pause. Thankfully, she made it to the second round bringing the dreams of Lifetime Movie producers one step closer to coming true. —NP

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Oh boy. We don't really know where to start with this article in today's New York Times Style section. It seems women have a bold new dating tactic: eating meat. Ladies, listen up, ordering red meat on a bland and conniving New York City first date is a great "strategy" for meeting the narcissistic, inattentive stock broker of your dreams. Being vegetarian is "finicky," while gorging yourself on steaks of Kobe beef from Wagyu cattle shows you're "unpretentious and down to earth and unneurotic." Yes, you heard it here (second): "Salad, it seems, is out. Gusto, medium rare, is in." Men, however, are not allowed the same flesh-guzzling privileges on a first date.

“When a guy sits down and eats something fatty and big, you wonder if they eat like that all the time,” said Brice Gaillard, a freelance design writer. “It crosses my mind they’ll probably die early.”

Read the article, Scannerites. Even if you're a serial killer with a scabbing case of hemorrhoids, it will make you feel better about your life. —NP


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These are the best surreptitious rooftop photos of men getting it on in superhero outfits we've seen all week. It is not often that you stumble across such gold while trying to capture the Detroit scenery with a telephoto lens. But that's exactly what happened to the luckiest photographer in the world. Just think, there is wacky fetish porn being filmed all around us. All you have to do is believe. (via Dethroner.) —NP


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Scanner is a bit slow in the gaming-and-sports department, so it took us a while to learn about Olivia Munn, host of G4’s Attack of the Show. Thanks to a post on Cityrag, we now know that Munn is quite the sport herself. She licks an Apple computer, bites a dangling weiner, chugs beer. We like a bikini model who can rock a Truth or Dare game. Mizz Munn is totally invited to our next Wii tournament. She and Hayden Panettiere can take turns cleaning the floor with their tongue. That seems to be their thing. —SH

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If you've ever wondered about the story behind the legendary Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald song "What a Fool Believes," wonder no longer. We've found this classic documentary series on all your favorite Yacht Rock heroes. If you've never wondered about "What a Fool Believes," and you have no idea what Yacht Rock is, watch this video, and all will be revealed. —NP

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It took us a second to figure out the Piss Screen, but we think we've got it. It's a game boys can play while they're peeing in bar bathrooms to determine whether they're sober enough to drive home. If you pee all over yourself—at any time during the night, really—you should probably call a cab. If you're a girl, and you can play this game without peeing all over yourself, you should probably get a medal and a new car. (via Boing Boing) —NP

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There are so many annoying things about trying on jeans. Trying to shoplift them by stuffing them in your purse, for one thing! Another thing that’s annoying is trying to catch a good glimpse of your badonkadonk in the mirror. Fortunately, the clever people of Scottsdale now have a butt camera that allows them to see their sweet rear ends up on the big screen. That’s not terrifying AT ALL. When someone takes a body part you feel self-conscious about and puts it on a camera for a whole store to see, that’s smart. High-five, Scottsdale. Meanwhile, in our perfect dressing rooms, everything is lit by candelight, and there’s an open bar. —SH

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A collective gasp went round the world last Sunday when Rodeo, the cancer-fightin’, shit-kickin’, motocross-ridin’ contestant on Rock of Love was kicked off the show. VH1 has an interview with Rodeo, in which she reveals plans for her own sausage line. That’s right: her own sausage line. She also talks about her natural screen charisma, remarking, “I would like to have a TV show where you'd watch me wake up in the morning, buy the foods you need to buy and work out, just something different to bring to the screen. But I would do everything in a hat.” Wow, she’s like the Norman Lear of reality television. Sad thing is, we would probably watch that show. Especially if it were in elimination form. —SH

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Here at Scanner, we don't really golf. Everything we know about the sport comes from watching when our Dad falls asleep on the couch with the remote in a death grip. We're more beach volleyball types. But when the golf meets skank, suddenly we're interested. Eye Candy Caddies is a service that rents hot, cheesy-looking caddies for corporate golf outings. Because what is hotter than hiring someone way out of your league to admire your 9-iron while you practice your stroke? Maybe a Scanner golf outing would be the perfect way to sign that contract, or discuss the merger, or something. Eh, we'll just stick with the strip club like normal business people. (Big thanks to Jeff for the link)—NP

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We’re going to tippy-toe out on a limb and say there are too many celebrity perfumes out there. When Paula Abdul has a spray called Sexy Thoughts, the market is saturated. (Hannah Montana, no perfume deal for you!) The most frightening of all these, however, is Covet, the new musk from Sarah Jessica Parker. Why? Because this add chills us to bone. Sarah Jessica Parker will kill you in your sleep, folks. And she’ll be wearing a Gaultier gown and providing a quirky voiceover, which makes her scarier than Freddy Kruger any day. —SH

UPDATE: To go with the worst promotional commercial? The worst promotional puff piece, titled: “Sarah Jessica Parker loves her son’s scent.” (Ew!) Let us read you an excerpt: “[Her husband and son’s] fragrance, she says, is "clean, and it's mixed with their sweat while they're sleeping and the cotton of their blankets and the moisture that's right underneath their hair. But you almost don't want to share it."

Mommy, mommy, Sarah Jessica Parker is scaring us! Make the scary lady stop.



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• Gender-bending pandas: A panda assumed to be male, and sent to breed with female pandas, blew everyone's mind by giving birth to twins this week. "The penis of an adult panda is only about 3 cm (1.2 ins) long," Xinhua quoted Li Deshen, a panda expert, as saying, as a possible reason for the mix-up.

  
  
  

• Some people are just willfully lame: New Zealand couple to name baby Superman. But only because their first choice name, 4Real, was rejected by the New Zealand registrar. The Wheatons decided on the name after seeing the baby for the first time in an ultrasound scan and realising their baby was "for real".

  
  
  

• Priests find increasingly clever ways to get on sex offender registries: Priest arrested for jogging naked on a high school track. He told officers he sweats profusely if he wears clothing while jogging.

  
  
  

• Tonight on Logo: politicians squirm and stutter: Logo hosts the first televised debate among presidential candidates over LGBT issues. "Simply seeing the candidates step on a stage to speak to a national gay television audience may be as moving as anything they say," said Logo's president, Brian Graden.

It was brought to our attention at heavy metal karaoke last night that we (by we, we mean Nicole) have dropped the ball on giving you crucial information on The Heche (by The Heche, we mean Anne Heche). Scannerites, we are so very sorry for this. We've been really busy with the porn, and the sex toy focus groups, and the tracking down our long lost first grade boyfriends on MySpace. But don't worry anymore, we've got some news for you. The Heche: Not gay. According to Cracked, The Heche, in addition to numerous other celebrities who seem gay, is just insane. Yeah, it's a bit strange that crazy straight people are often assumed gay, but the gays don't really want The Heche, anyway. The Jessica Biel, however, the gays would trade their in-vitro fertilized, first-born child for the Jessica Biel. (Thanks to Nicole for the link)—NP

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If only our prisoner pen pals loved us this much. These love letters sent from jail and decorated with amazing illustrations, could melt an iceberg. —NP

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This is an old chestnut on those blooper shows, but there's a reason it's been making the rounds for the past 10 years. It's got joy, laughter, dramatic tension, and release. See, anal sex really does bring people closer together. —SH

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We hope you all caught last weekend’s debut of VH1’s show The Pickup Artist. Not because it’s good, but because we want you to get the jokes when we make fun of it later. Recently, in Hooksexup, Gwynne Watkins explained exactly what is objectionable about the show in her terrific review. Do yourself a favor and catch up. We have a lot of smug and sarcastic jokes to make. —SH

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We are all for people getting it off in creative ways. We're handy, crafty, and resourceful ourselves. But there are products that take the whole innovative-sex-toy, vibrator-in-every-room thing too far. The Celebrator is one of those products. Do not turn your electric toothbrush into a vibrator. Go outside, to the store, and buy yourself a vibrator. Put it on your nightstand and go to town. Keep your electric toothbrush out of the sexy times. This Celebrator seems like a real threat to your oral hygiene.—NP

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The Japanese are selling these F-cup cookies to make your ta-tas bigger. According to this writeup, “the cookies contain a ‘miracle’ breast enlarging herb Pueraria Mirifica.” Hmm, we’ve been eating cookies for decades, but it only made our asses bigger. —SH

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Not much to this one, folks. Just some really entertaining examples of sex selling the shit out of crappy energy drinks and malt liquors you've never heard of. It seems that a small advertising budget is best spent hiring amateur porn actresses and local shot girls as spokesmodels. Beverage companies also ascribe to our theory that if you photograph it next to a girl in a halter top and short shorts, they will come. —NP

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Even as a youngster in Massachusetts, John Krasinski was perfecting his breaking-of-the-fourth-wall asides. If you stare into those happy, twinkling eyes, you can see the glimmer of a man who will charm millions with his dry wit and throw it all away by appearing in License to Wed. —SH

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Guardian writer Josh Spero meditates on Hooksexup and IFC’s list of the top 50 sex scenes of all time: “It seems that what makes a good sex scene—according to this list—is relevance. Most of the top 50 scenes are not bolted-on attempts to sexualise some of Hollywood's mannequins but vital expressions of character and advancements of plot.” And you can imagine him saying that in a British accent, which makes it even better. —SH

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• A happy day for metrosexuals, Jude Law, and Duran Duran: Study shows that women prefer men with feminine features. Women see macho-looking men as less faithful, less warm and potentially poorer fathers.

  
  

• More arts and crafts, less Warcraft: New Chinese summer camp aims to cure Internet addiction. Concerned by a number of high-profile Internet-related deaths and juvenile crime, the government is now taking steps to stem Internet addictions by banning new Internet cafes and mulling restrictions on violent computer games.

  
  

• And we can’t even sneak on liquids: Man smuggles a monkey onto a plane. This is not a euphemism. During the flight, people around the man noticed that the marmoset had emerged from underneath his hat. "Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him.”

  
  

• Our bar bill last night could be submitted for evidence: Adult binge drinkers prefer beer to shots. The fact that beer is such an overwhelming favorite of binge drinkers contradicts a Hollywood stereotype of hard drinkers clutching a bottle instead of a six-pack.