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Tom Mitchelson deserves a bitch slap for this article he wrote on his experiences living like a "woman" for a week. We don't even have to get into the fact that this article's premise is WEAK. We can just focus on the base, trite, and embarassingly stereotypical ways he tries to get in touch with his feminine side. According to Tom:

[As a woman] I worried about cellulite, obsessed about finding the right partner and thought constantly about my biological clock.

Now that he's a woman:

Pints are out; spritzers are in. Westerns are gone (except Brokeback Mountain), to be replaced by romances. Soap and water are no more; cleanser, toner and moisturiser take their place

Oh, give us a break and a barf bag. This is such wasted trash. Tom, Scanner will teach you how to live like an actual woman. It involves tequila shots, taking care of business, badass hi-tops with mini-skirts, lots and lots of karaoke, and it is the most fun you will have in your worn out, pathetic life.—NP

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Technology is so fantastic, isn't it? And we're not just talking about vibrators shaped like the middle finger. We're talking about cases for our birth control with built-in alarms. As you can imagine, we've never been very good at remembering to take the Pill. These Pillpaks could make our birth control more than just a tic-tac-shaped equivalent of crossing our fingers. Plus, if it comes in leopard print, count us in! —NP



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We’re utterly charmed by Tom Dickson’s quirky “Will It Blend?” series, even if it is nothing more than a cheap gimmicky commercial. We have no doubt that Dickson could put our work desk into his mighty Blendtec, sprinkle on some basil, and come up with a hearty fall consomme. Delicious! Today, Dickson asks the question that's been plaguing syndicated television viewers for decades: Will Chuck Norris blend? — SH

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As we all know, when it comes to technology, there's no earlier adopter than the porn industry. VHS or Beta? They totally called it. Pay-per-view? Streaming video? You get the idea. Then fast forward to 40-seconds-to-go in this clip and behold the latest in futuresmut: the Microdrone, a floating videocamera mounted to four tiny remote-control chopper rotors—perfect for peeking in windows and spying on your hot, clueless neighbors.

You might ask: Are we concerned that these creepy, Orwellian machines will be used to make slaves of us all? Oh, That. Is. Adorable! The government would never let that happen, silly! We just want to reserve our copy of "Pornopticon 1: Sunbathing Sluts," like, yesterday. — Bryan Christian

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Turns out Sweden may not be the playland of casual nudity we thought it was. A couple of young lady swimmers in Uppsala, Sweden are fighting back after staff demanded they rein in their breaststrokes a little. Normally we'd say "Bravo!" to these nubile freedom fighters. But then we heard part of their strategy:

"It's a question of equality... If women are forced to wear a [bikini] top, shouldn't men also have to?"

And there's today's lesson in how NOT to fight for freedom: make things
worse for everyone. So nobody gets topless AND the
guys all look like Vera di Milo? Way to go, Ragnhild and Kristin. Let's hope
your boobs are worth it! — Bryan Christian



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Fiery Bavarian politician Gabriele Pauli not only posed for a magazine with her Ducati and then again in elbow-length latex gloves, but she also wants to create a law that would have couples decide after seven years if they want to remain married. Her reasoning?

"The basic approach is wrong ... many marriages last just because people believe they are safe."

OK, folks, here ya go: Oscar de La Hoya in a fishnet body suit, high heels, and women's panties. This reminds us of one particularly eventful night out at Drag Bar when Kristy Kreme knocked out Sugar Snatch. Here are many, many more photos of the Golden Boy looking like an Atlantic City stripper. —NP

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Let us tell you something: We have a serious, swooning affection for AA Milne. In our fantasies, we live in the Hundred Acre Woods, hand dripping with honey, Christopher Robin’s cellie on our speed dial. The House at Pooh Corner would be on our desert island book list. It will be the first book we read to our future children. And so it kills us a little inside to have to choose between them. But alas, our insides are already dead. What’s the harm? So which one of these furry friends will you wed, perhaps one day giving rascally young Roo a playfriend? Whose hundred acre wood will you plow? And who will be devoured by Heffalumps?

Marry, fuck, or kill?:

• Tigger

• Eeyore

• Pooh Bear

— SH

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• And it’s about time: Egypt faces strong opposition to female genital mutilation. A nationwide campaign to stop the practice has become one of the most powerful social movements in Egypt in decades, uniting an unlikely alliance of government forces, official religious leaders and street-level activists.

• Doing the right thing: Remarkable video clip of San Diego mayor choking back tears as comes out in favor of gay marriage. “I decided to lead with my heart, which is probably obvious at the moment. To do what I think is right, to take a stand on behalf of equality and social justice.”

• We prefer sex with our rock & roll, actually: Could there be a rock & roll approach to chastity? The Prim and Proper Pussy Club (The PPPC) [is a] 25-strong group of women, based in Hackney, [who] could give Amy Winehouse competition in the debauchery stakes— and all are celibate.

• And we just mastered the Macarena!: Tecktonik is a new dance craze that’s sweeping France after becoming popular on YouTube. Tecktonik is a mix of break-dancing, hip hop and techno, featuring flailing arms and quick foot movements. In appearance, fans share similarities with the new-rave scene in Britain, where fluorescent colours, armbands and tight t-shirts are back in fashion in a clear tribute to the 1980s rave music scene.

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All you cuddlers out there, take note. Before you head out to the Super Massive Cuddle Party in New York City on October 5th, read up on Mike Sacks' Rules for My Cuddle Party. (Seriously, if you read nothing else today, read this! Even if your dog just died and your house just burned down, you will laugh.) Because when attending a polyamorous, all-gender cuddle party it's essential that you not pee in the air-conditioning compressor or use grandma's hand-knitted pillows as an impromptu sex swing. —NP

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Whoa, big news on the pornographic biopic front. Get ready for Linda Lovelace the movie. Anna Faris from the Scary Movie films, is hoping to play Lovelace in an emphatically unfunny biography about the Deep Throat star. We are huge proponents of the porn biopic. Plus, even without the allegations of forced sex and manipulation, Deep Throat is one weird film. And that says a lot coming from people who have hyped fucking machine porn in the past. According to Faris:

"This would be incredibly intense...It would be the most difficult thing I've done, and I'm really nervous."

Anna, don't be nervous, you're really going to need to relax for this to work. —NP

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We were at a party with Quentin Tarantino once. Kind of a fast talker, that one. He was standing behind us at the bar, and we kept leaning in to his conversation, trying to eavesdrop, but he was talking so fast it was hard to decipher anything. We did catch one phrase, and one phrase only. What Quentin Tarantino said was: “You know what they say. More than a handful is wasted.” Hmm. Not exactly the Madonna riff from Reservoir Dogs, there, QT.

We’re not sure what that portends for the “cool sex movie” Quentin Tarantino apparently wants to make. (We always thought of him as a giant-knockers kinda man, by the way. Surprising, no?) He told the London Telegraph, “If I actually do an erotic movie, I'm going to have to reveal what I find sexy, what turns me on.” Let us take us guess here: Circle jerks to Asian cinema? — SH

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Pinup calendars are among the greatest things in the world. Right up there with peanut-butter-and-honey sandwiches and Prince records. Another greatest thing? Hot femmes. And another? Coney Island. It's safe to assume, then, that a pinup calendar of hot femmes on Coney Island beach in New York City is going to make us dangerously happy. The I Heart Brooklyn Girls pinup calendar launch party is this weekend. We won't be in NYC, but we'll show solidarity by clearing our schedules, unplugging the phone, and pulling the shades. —NP

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Kate Winslet's not much of an artist, but what an ass! Here's a painting she did for a charity auction. You can own this, if you want. Personally, we'd prefer a photo, or something a bit more realistic. But we do have dynamite imaginations, so we'd be happy to hang this on the wall next to our plaster cast of David Bowie's penis, and our vaginal cast of Jessica Biel's...well, you know. —NP

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Criminals do the stupidest things. Like getting caught. Or playing professional football. So it takes a special someone to raise the bar on stupid criminal behavior. Congratulations to the Australian burglar who broke into a neighbor’s bathroom and made a sex toy out of a bottle of detergent, a piece of wood, and a rubber glove. A vacuum cleaner was also somehow involved. In a surprise twist, the burglar was not Britney Spears. — SH

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We already had 2,457,983 reasons to be glad we didn't go to Harvard. Thanks to this personal ad, we now have 2,457,984. Ladies, this could be your Saturday night:

My final club has a reunion this fall...I have an invitation for myself plus one, and am willing to show you a great time. It is a private party, in an extremely classy setting. There is no real way to describe how ornate the club is, but I guarantee that it will be the most upscale experience of your life...You must be in school, preferably Tufts or Wellesley but BU and BC are acceptable (definitely not MIT). You should be able to hold a conversation, know when to be quiet, and polite in all your behavior. I have seen unruly guests embarrass members before, and I hope this won't be a problem. This event is black-tie, and I am willing to procure an evening gown for you. I hate to sound so harsh, but I have expectations to live up to. No Asian, overweight, or unattractive women please. Ages 18-22 only.

So. Hot. If this is a joke, which it probably is, it's a damn good one. Can't you just imagine this guy? He's the kid who picked his nose and wiped the boogers under all the desks in second grade. Who zipped his dick into his fly in seventh grade, and who prematurely ejaculated while the doctor checked his prostate in high school. He's got that sexy combination of misogyny and self-hatred that drives women wild, and when he grows up, we imagine he'll end up something like this guy. —NP

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Check it out: Kama Sutra wine. When your scented candles, essential oils, and love spells aren't enough to get the object of your affection to bump uglies with you, sexy up your bottle of wine and watch the ass get had. —NP

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• Two isn't always better than one, it seems: A lesbian couple who wanted a baby through in vitro fertilization are suing because they ended up with twins.The two women are seeking more than A$400,000 (171,941 pounds) in damages to help pay for the cost of raising the second child.

  
  
  
  

• Love hurts: African bat bugs are having some really rough sex. Male bat bugs never use the vagina, instead piercing the female's abdomen and inseminating directly into the blood.

  
  
  

• Somebody needs to put the brakes on the sex: Carnival worker Joshua D. Frank crashed his car into a telephone pole and has blamed the accident on two people having sex in the back seat. Frank told authorities that the actions of the pair in the back caused the Blazer, which "was top heavy anyway," to become "tippy" and lose control.

  
  
  

• Voluntary HIV testing in China: It's being reported that gay university students in China are being offered 50 yuan to undergo voluntary counseling and testing for HIV. [The project] is also part of a nationwide effort to create connections between grassroots organizations for homosexuals and hospitals

We are the last people who should be condemning computer sexy times. We would be completely lost without pornographic websites, and we spend hours a day telling the Internet about people who have sex with animals and then eat them. But sometimes, you've got to step away from the machine and be a human being with a regular sex life that doesn't plug into the wall or use RAM. If you purchase a vibrator that looks like a computer mouse, you need to step away from the machine, like, ten minutes ago. You are in trouble, buddy, and you're about a month away from a moaning real doll. —NP


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Here at Scanner, we’re not exactly big gamers. We will play the shit out the Wii, until our backs break and they cart us off in a stretcher, but we don’t really get down with the, like, Xbox crowd. Sorry, gamers. We still want to bring you the news that the upcoming action RPG (See? We know the lingo!) “Mass Effect” will feature nudity. You know: Boobage. And you don’t even have to spend 10 hours finding some easter egg to get the girl to strip. The partial nudity is out there in the open. Huzzah! Now you can spend less time undressing girls on your video game, and more time getting your ass kicked by us on the Wii. Everyone wins! — SH

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Seriously, this is just fucking weird. Allegedly, there is a trendy club in Tokyo where people pay a shitload of money to have sex with and then eat an animal of their choice. We've spent all day trying to come up with jokes and wacky gimmicks to strike the right tone, but you know what? The right joke cannot be found when everything about this is so wrong. We would, however, be interested to hear what the vegansexuals have to say about all this. Bet they're crying carrot-flavored tears as we speak. —NP

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Did you hear that, folks? Vegetarians are sexy. That's right SEXY! We don't find this PETA PSA with naked Alicia Silverstone hot. We mostly linked to it to make fun, but if you are getting your rocks off over the video, more power to ya. Just don't call us when you're drinking Kombucha and having hairy group sex on a pile of wheatgrass. Cause we don't find that sexy either. —NP

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There's a man drought in New Zealand! This is no laughing matter, ladies. This is an international situation, and we've got to do something to help. Maybe the the prize for the winner of The Pick Up Artist should be an all-expense paid trip to Auckland. Or there is this other thing, crap, what's it called again? Oh, yeah—lesbianism. Because a community's survival depends on adaptability. New Zealand women will all become ladies' ladies, and if they ever find themselves missing men, they can read this comic and feel nostalgic. —NP

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Shiver me timbers and lift yer grog! It’s International Talk Like a Pirate Day, when we bring you landlubbers news of ye olde high-end vibrators from the high seas. Let our swashbuckling Cap’n Hoff steer us onward!

(Okay, in all semi-seriousness? We once met the guys behind “International Talk Like a Pirate Day.” It was at a pirate convention in New Orleans. No, we were not attending. It was a coincidence that we met them in the hotel bar, where they happily chatted with us about rum, and swords, and monkeys. Do you want to know something? Those guys talk like pirates every day. That takes balls. And costumes.) — SH

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We don't date online because of a fear that by accident we'll end up flirtatiously chatting with a relative or someone we know using a fake name and photo. That fear is greater than the fear that we'll die alone. However, we do know that online dating is kind of like sorting mail. You have the "junk" pile, the pile with brochures for plays and art exhibits you should go see magazines you should read, and the "to do" pile. Sorting mail sucks. That's why mail piles up on the table next to the door for weeks and your phone gets shut off because you didn't notice the bill. So it's good that Hooksexup Personals has automatic "quick replies" for times when you just can't be bothered to respond to Jake, 35, who lives in Corpus Christi with his mom and her two cats. Taking Hooksexup's cue, the Beachwood Reporter has written their own brutally honest automatic "quick replies" for times when "I don't think our personalities match" isn't harsh enough. —NP



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Okay, and so also? This exists: Mecha Musume is a subgenre of manga which combines anime pinups and machinery. Talk about an adolescent boy’s wet dream: It’s like those Ferrari posters somehow merged with cheesecake Pamela Anderson centerfolds. Creepy? Yes, ma’am. And inaccurate! Everyone knows that boobs shoot lasers, not bullets.
— SH




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Diddy’s ad for his new fragrance, Unforgivable, was banned from television, and now that we’ve gotten a chance to see the commercial, we can understand why. It’s too damn long! Good lord, we’ve read Dickens novels that were shorter than this thing. And, sadly, it’s boring, unless you enjoy jumpy shots of a model with dead eyes being pushed against a wall. Diddy has always fancied himself an artiste; it’s admirable but embarrassing, like those actors who really want to direct. At least when Madonna did this shit, it was unusual in some way. Diddy’s prosaic fantasies are like a 13-year-old’s wank dreams: hot chick beneath me, hot chick on top of me, hot chick in hot lingerie. What do you imagine this fragrance smells like? Jergen’s and Drakkar Noir? — SH

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• This Viagra is on the house: Oldest man in the world turns 112 and explains why we’ll never last that long. Mr. Tanabe ascribes his longevity to not touching alcohol and not smoking. He also keeps a diary and reads the newspaper every day to keep his mind active.

  
  
  

• The littlest swinger: Six year old makes splashy headlines for running an alleged “sex club” at his school. Following an investigation, the department has admitted that the student exposed students to sexual conversations and proposed activities, but denied the existence of a "sex club".

  
  

• Another victory for same-old sex: Maryland’s highest court upholds state law defending marriage as between a man and a woman. “I think history will hold them in contempt," plaintiff Lisa Polyak said of the judges.

  
  

• And today’s stupidest mother award goes to: Mom sues after IVF treatment brings two babies instead of one. The woman told the court that she and her partner were devastated when they learned she was carrying twins, and had even considered putting one of the babies up for adoption.

We spend a lot of time ragging on Second Life. We do this because Second Life is creepy and seems very lame. But what we don't do, and we kind of feel bad about now, is point out all the other spooky communities scattered about the Internet waiting to provide virtual hearth and home to your pimply, recluse neighbor with the naked geometry screensaver and the giant poster of Tawny Kitaen on his bedroom ceiling. Thanks to Cracked for this list of the 8 strangest communities on the web. We're still not convinced that Furries are real, so we'd really like to know who the shit is hanging out on Furrs for Christ?—NP

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Women have been wanting to do this for years: A science experiment involving Barbie and the electric chair. Suddenly our Styrofoam models of the galaxy seem so tame. — SH




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We’ve made no secret that we are watching VH1’s The Pick-up Artist. We’re not embarrassed. (Ed. Note: We’re a little embarrassed.) Each episode comes chock-a-block with moments of fascination, repulsion, embarrassment. We’ll leave our final analysis till next week, after we find out which of the two (disappointingly handsome) finalists will become The Master Pick-Up Artist. For now, we have a different subject to discuss.

In a word? Mystery. Last week, we were stunned when a conversation erupted in the Hooksexup offices concerning the alleged hotness of Mystery, the show's host and fabled pickup master. Hotness? That guy? He's so humorless. He's so douchey. But apparently, Mystery does it for some people. Specifically, our lovely receptionist Nicole. We were further shocked when former Scanner writer Gwynne chimed in that, sigh, she too suspected the 6’5” peacock could pick her up, especially if she were drunk. We took this to more of our female friends, who confirmed that, "Yeah, you know, if all these girls were paying attention to him and he zeroed in on me it would probably be flattering. And he is pretty hot." (When he's not dressed like a gay chimney sweep!)

So here is the question: Could Mystery pick you up? — SH


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We have a confession to make: Our TV is broken. (By "we," we mean Nicole, of course. Sarah's TV is fine and showing Beauty and the Geek reruns as we speak.) Until now, we've been trying to keep up appearances and not talk about it. But we just realized that the new season of The Office starts next week, and we're so sad we can't hold it in anymore. We (Nicole) are determined to watch The Office, even if we have to sit on the floor at Best Buy and fight off other shoppers with a broomstick. While we wait for the season premiere, we will watch this clip of what The Office did on their summer vacation over, and over, and over, and try to hold back the tears. —NP

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This just in: Celebrities are still multiplying. While J-Lo got herself implanted by Marc Anthony at the fertility clinic, MLP headed over to that increasingly popular celebrity baby bank...Africa.

Congrats to the new moms. We're sure these little rascals will make some Beverly Hills nannies very, very happy.—NP

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It was right here. We used it just yesterday, and we thought we put it back. But now it's, like, gone. So strange. It couldn't just have grown legs and walked off. Where could it be? Oh. Shit. That's right. We left it on that dewey model's vagina. We have got to stop hanging out with Tom Ford, we always get so forgetful. From now on we'll try to remember to keep our Tom Ford for Men cologne in the crack of our dog's ass where it belongs. —NP

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A Seattle-area trolley has been saddled with an unfortunate (wait, make that VERY FORTUNATE) acronym. The South Lake Union Trolley eventually changed its name to the South Lake Union Streetcar, but you know what they say: Once a SLUT, always a SLUT. And hey, after a few drinks, you can ride all night for free. — SH

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Sometimes, before renting a movie, you need to know what you'll be getting. That's where Mr. Skin comes in handy. More than just a mention in Knocked Up Mr. Skin is a real website that records the time and duration of nude scenes in the movies, and now it's also a coffee table book. The first boobs we ever spotted on screen appeared for 37 seconds two hours into Fame. Thanks to our babysitter for renting R-rated movies, and thanks to Mr. Skin for making it easy to revisit childhood memories. (Thanks to Jeff for the link)—NP


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We were gobsmacked by the news that Cate Blanchett would be playing Bob Dylan in Todd Haynes’ upcoming biopic, I’m Not There. Even better were the press pictures that leaked, showing Blanchett as the epitome of Don’t Look Back-era Dylan, albeit with slightly more feminine hands. This got us thinking. We love Cate Blanchett. And Dylan is, well, Dylan. But if we had to choose between them. If we HAD TO… who would win? Brilliant, chameleon actress v. brilliant, chameleon musician. You know where this is going by now, don’t you?

Who would you rather?: Cate Blanchett or Bob Dylan

UPDATE: Bob may be the original, but frankly, you all prefer the impersonator. And why not? She's so damn lovely.

Winner: Cate Blanchett. It'll take more than rock and roll genius to defeat her.
— SH


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• Sometimes a stranger from the Internet is actually right in front of you: A couple are divorcing after learning they'd been having a secret affair with each other over the Internet. "I still find it hard to believe that Sweetie, who wrote such wonderful things, is actually the same woman I married and who has not said a nice word to me for years."

• We call the seat next to Richard Simmons: Air New Zealand plans extremely gay-themed flight from San Francisco to Sydney for Sydney's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras next year. "We are looking at tailoring the inseat entertainment and having gay-friendly movies and contests and different music and things like that."

• Just in case you forgot to give a shit: Will 50 Cent stop making solo music like he promised now that Kanye West's new album outsold his? Will anyone care?

• And speaking of losers: Britney may temporarily lose custody of her kids. During Monday's custody hearing, Spears' former bodyguard accused the pop star of having "issues of nudity and drug use" since she returned from rehab, and reports of a planned "hit" on Federline emerged.
  
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We dated a chef once. Kitchen Confidential had just come out, and our chef boyfriend was obsessed with the author Anthony Bourdain. Who could blame him? Bourdain is the Ernest Hemingway of the kitchen, a dick-swinging hedonist who writes better than the beat poets who so obviously inspired him. Since then, Bourdain has become the poster child for macho chef chic. His Travel Channel show No Reservations takes him around the world, eating anything, as if life were one big game of Double Dare. Apparently, he’ll even try holiday dinner with the Queens of the Stone Age. Yes, Bourdain is probably a prick, but we’re not in this for the cuddling. We’re in this for the stories (and the pate). Bourdain lives life like an open bar— or, at least, a bar tab that's going to be picked up by someone else.

And for that, he is our Crush of the Week. — SH


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Before we lay down with any man, there is a list of questions we must ask our partner: How much do I owe you for this pizza? Do you have change for a five-dollar bill? And also, what can you lift with your penis? You’d be surprised what you can find out about a person, especially one employed by Dominos. The men in this video can lift an awful lot with their penises. One of them even tugs a loaded truck. Their johnsons have been turned into Iron Penises. “This will make your penis long and your testicles large,” the instructor explains, as men swing weights from their dicks. We have a feeling Cisco Adler is familiar with this technique. — SH

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Got some classic 70s porn posters in your basement? You could be sitting on a fortune. Meet erotic art appraiser Laura Henkel. Obviously, we feel some professional kinship with this woman. We are like Chewbacca to her Han Solo. Fighting to save the universe from the Galactic Empire of prudishness. —NP

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Apologies for this video. Showing you deep, dark, terrible occasions of viral Internet perversion is our job. And sometimes, we are too good at our job. Need to know what a lemon party is? Google it. Need to have your eyes surgically removed? We feel your pain. Just remember, when life gives you lemons, throw a lemon party! —NP

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No, we’re not talking about OJ again. Real-life, honest-to-goodness hooters are making headlines today. A new scientific report has confirmed what we knew ever since sprouting ta-tas in middle school: Bras need more support in order to be effective for women in sports. “An estimated 60% of women suffer breast pain during exercise—even during gentle activity —and others are embarrassed by their breasts bouncing when they run.” The truth is, we don’t run because we’re lazy, but we like the boob excuse. It sounds good.

Meanwhile, the Australian navy is in trouble after members of the military were given breast augmentation. Apparently, navy=Austalian for boobs. Hey, no fair! We joined the Australian navy, and all we got was a can of vegemite and a nasty case of “Crocodile Dundee” in our southern hemisphere.

And there you have it, a news roundup that would make Russ Meyer proud. (Thanks to Rob and Jeff.) — SH

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As the "dozens and dozens" of 30 Rock viewers already know, Judah Friedlander has the best wardrobe on television. Here's a comprehensive list of Frank's trucker hat sayings from season one. We're about to hunt down a Sharpie and make ourselves an "ESP Tutor" hat right now. Next time we see you out, your trucker hat better read "Liz Rocks." —NP

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Look! Old people are just like us! They're taking precious time out from getting laid to play the shit out of Nintendo Wii. We could have told you this. We had to wrestle the controller out of our grandmother's hands on Saturday just to get a turn. It's a good thing her arthritis was acting up. Oh, the Wii. Sometimes it brings people together, and sometimes it tears them apart. —NP

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The Britney performance rumor was a crock. The Sopranos and 30 Rock won the big awards, as well they should have. But the most interesting part of the Emmys came from, of all people… Sally Field? The flying nun won for her role on Brothers and Sisters and began talking about the Iraq war when she was abruptly cut off. “If mothers ruled the world, there would be no--“ and then the sound dropped out, and we were left staring at a weird globe thing in the Shrine Auditorium ceiling. What? What would there be no more of, Sally Field? No more Ryan Seacrest? No more lame jokes about the poorly conceived in-the-round stage set-up? No more Jeremy Piven and his gigantic ego? We hope there would still be some Helen Mirren, because by God, that woman is a fox. We are truly obsessed with her rack. We’re not even ashamed to admit it. Anyhoo, what Sally Field actually said was, “If mothers ruled the world, there would be no more goddamn wars.” But we’re pretty sure if mothers ruled the world, there would be no Piven either. — SH

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Ashley Blue, star of celebrated hardcore films like American Bukkake 26 and Gag Factor 15, has a great blog going. According to Susannah Breslin, "Blue reveals what it feels like to be a girl who sells sex for a living struggling to come out the other side a new woman." Yeah. OK. Sure. Basically, it's a good blog by someone with an interesting life. Can't stand the idea of a bukkake porn star having a French Bulldog and a boyfriend? Just scroll down for the nude pics. (via Boing Boing) —NP

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• Today in stupid criminal athletes: What’s better than OJ Simpson being arrested on felony charges related to an alleged robbery? Listening to the tape of the incident itself. The confrontation lasts six minutes. It is graphic and telling. Simpson is clearly the ringleader. Simpson repeatedly says, "Think you can steal my s**t and sell it?"

  
  

• It’s the Mount Rushmore of men’s urinals: Tourists flock to the Minneapolis bathroom where Senator Craig was busted. "People have been going inside, taking pictures of the stall, taking pictures outside the bathroom door—man, it's been crazy.”

  
  

• Now that’s serious preventive health: Women with a strong genetic predisposition toward breast cancer consider mastectomies even before they get cancer. “I have this amazing gift of knowing my risk. How can I not do anything about that?”

  
  

• True love waits, but occasionally leads to the clap: Alabama county where public students are taught abstinence-only sex ed becomes riddled with STDs. That was about three times the rate in New York City and more than twice as high as Washington, D.C.

  
  
  
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