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A Pennsylvania plastic surgeon's office is being sued by a former employee who claims they told her to suck in her belly so she "wouldn't scare patients away." Riiiight. Rose McGowan, Meg Ryan, and Joan Rivers should scare people away from plastic surgery. Not a woman with a baby bump. It's clear now what we've always suspected: This cosmetic surgery is straight monster-making, and Demi Moore is Frankenstein. (via Feministing)—NP

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As fanboys debate the finer points of Natalie Portman's naked rear in Hotel Chevalier, your Scanner writers consider a more pressing question: Natalie Portman — love her or hate her?

Point: Natalie Portman is beautiful. If we can’t agree on that, then there’s just no hope for us, Nicole. Also, she went to Harvard. She studied cognitive psychology. She shaved her head for a film, and you know what? She looked smokin’ hot. She starred in one of the only memorable bits on Saturday Night Live in the last two years, and I happen to think she’s a pretty great actress. AND she speaks Hebrew. Downside? Queen Amidala. Tell me one person who didn’t suck in those movies. A nice, smart, beautiful, talented actress who manages to be discreet about her love life and has a great ass? Yeah, this is pretty controversial. — SH

Counterpoint: I have two words for Natalie Portman: underwhelming and overrated. Is that redundant? I don't care. It's worth mentioning twice. Oh, and she's also whiny. You know why people are attracted to this woman? Because she looks like a girl you could know. She is hot by high school, or office, or subway standards, but unremarkable by sex symbol standards. Plus, the acting—awful. Really. That whole Garden State thing, where we were supposed to swoon while she chirped and squeaked and buried her dead hamsters? That threw me into homicidal rages. Natalie, I get it, you're quirky and endearing and soulful and innocent and not like other girls. Now, go away. Please. Before I have to shake every single person I know for being so inexplicably smitten with you. By shake, I mean push down the stairs. This thing has gone too far. — NP


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Fun fact for the day: The word kir can mean many things. It can mean a cocktail, made with crème de cassis and white wine. It can also mean penis — that is, if you’re Persian. Now that’s a cocktail. (Wink-wink!) So, on second thought, make ours a double. — SH

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For a 13-minute film, there's a lot to like about Wes Anderson's "Hotel Chevalier," currently available on iTunes and (temporarily, we're sure) Google Video. There's the storytelling, which is quiet, awkward, and devoid of the most suffocating of director Anderson's usual quirks. There's the mysteriously unexplained backstory to the (literally and figuratively) bruised main characters. There's the fact that now we don't have to actually see
The Darjeeling Limited, which this film preceeds in its current theatrical release.

Oh, does Natalie Portman take off her clothes in it, too? Maybe she does. And maybe she has some adorable hindquarters.

But here's what excited us most about this flick: that first kiss. How about that, huh? That is not a kiss with which Portman could attack Richard Gere or some other Hollywood type. That's a hungry 20s, breakup-sex kiss. It's perfect for the wounded, wily seductress Portman's playing here, and none of the bareass coitus almostus that follows would mean anything without it. Halfway into this tense, spare short, Anderson has done what Closer couldn't in 104 forced, talky minutes: make Natalie Portman a fully realized, recognizably sexual cinematic presence. — Bryan Christian

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Thanks to Susie Bright for pointing us in the direction of the Hobo Stripper blog. With articles like "Stripping 101: The Audition" alongside information on how to pee when you live in a van, we are totally set for our next road trip bachelor party. —NP

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According to rigorous scientific studies, if you are female, there is a 34% chance you are named Jennifer. There are so many Jennifers in this world that when it occurred to us to do a M, F, K item on famous Jennifers, the real question was which ones would we include? There was Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Hudson. There’s another one. Starts with an A. Married to Brad Pitt. What’s her name again? Anyway, that’s just the lousy actresses. We decided to employ our journalistic standards (for once!) and keep this trifecta timely: Jennifer Garner is starring in a maybe decent movie opening this weekend. Jennifer Jason Leigh will be back onscreen in one of the most anticipated movies this fall, which happens to be directed by her husband, Noah Baumbach. And Jennifer Lopez? Well, everyone keeps saying the girl is preggers. [shrug] Don’t look at us. We just write these items. Anyhoo, one of these Jennifers will get 86’d, one will get 69’d, and one will get, umm… a lifetime of marital bliss? Their fate is in your hands, Jennifer.

Marry, fuck, or kill:

• Jennifer Lopez

• Jennifer Jason Leigh

• Jennifer Garner

Here's the poster for the Folsom Street Leather Fair this Sunday. It looks really familiar to us, for some reason. Maybe they used this image last year or something. Either way, Andrew Sullivan doesn't like it. But it's true that he's more of a bear than a leatherman, so maybe it's just not the event for him. (Thanks to Pam for the link) —NP

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• Chilling commentary or cheap, tasteless ploy?: Italian photographer Oliviero Toscani's shocking anti-anorexia ads, debuting during Milan’s fashion week, feature a woman who has suffered from the disease since she was 13. "Winning notoriety through people's illness is painful. What we're seeing here is sensationalism by a label, to the detriment of an extremely serious social problem.”

  
  
  

• And sadly, Genarlow Wilson still sits in a jail cell: Slate rethinks the age of consent. A guy who goes after 5-year-old girls is deeply pathological. A guy who goes after a womanly body that happens to be 13 years old is failing to regulate a natural attraction. That doesn't excuse him. But it does justify treating him differently.

  
  

• Sometimes justice does win the day: Verizon reverses its earlier decision and will now allow NARAL to send text messages on its network. “The decision to not allow text messaging on an important, though sensitive, public policy issue was incorrect,” said Jeffrey Nelson, a spokesman for Verizon.

  
  

• Desperate times lead to desperate accusations: Mozambique’s Roman Catholic archbishop accuses European condom manufacturers of deliberately infecting their products with HIV. "They want to finish with the African people. This is the programme. They want to colonise until up to now. If we are not careful we will finish in one century's time."

Sneaky presidential longshot Ron Paul has done it again. First he tried to inject actual facts into a debate, and now this: the Tax Free Tips Act, which exempts all tip-based income from federal and payroll taxes, meaning that waiters, busboys, and — wait for it! — strippers get to keep much more from every dollar they earn after their hourly wage.

Will it pass? Of course not. But well-played, Mr. Paul, well-played. We’ll see you and Brady from The Pick Up Artist at your next campaign stop! — Bryan Christian


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Last night, while we were watching the Bionic Woman (pretty good, actually!), Billy Baldwin was getting freaky with a tranny on Dirty Sexy Money, the wacky new dramedy that puts the “fun” back into “trust funds.”

What’s up with all the TV’s on TV these days? It’s like the West Side Highway out there! Between Dirty Sexy Money, Entourage’s TMZ episode (in which Stephen Tobolowsky plays a mayor busted with a not-so-female friend), and an apparently Eddie Murphy-based plotline on 30 Rock coming up, it looks like trannies might be the hot new gag, er, joke this season. Even Dylan McDermott’s getting a little Crying Game action tonight on the premiere of Big Shots, and we’ve never even heard of that show!

We hope this can only mean one thing: ABC’s zaniest mid-season replacement, That’s Zarf!, sometime in February. — Bryan Christian


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About halfway through any given Hills episode — when Whitney asks for the five billionth time what happened last night, when Audrina opens her chubby little chipmunk mouth — we begin to suspect that our brains have been eaten by zombies. Possibly they have. This Current TV video shows what happens when The Hills takes place following a nuclear holocaust. It’s pretty much the same, but with more dead bodies. — SH


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Check out our new favorite artist as he draws pictures of our favorite things: teddy bears and guys with big hair! Is it just us, or does that man's face look like a penis? Yeah, it's probably just our filthy minds acting up again. —NP

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Check out these crazy photographs by Kohei Yoshiyuki of voyeurs in Tokyo's public parks in the 1970s. Yoshiyuki used an infrared camera to capture people literally creeping up on unsuspecting couples while they do sex in the park. What have we learned, today? Not only did tons of people head to Tokyo parks for a roll in the grass, but tons of people headed to the parks to watch them go at it. —NP



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We were checking Google trends to see how all the products we've invested in are performing on the Internet, and we noticed something crazy exciting: "spray-on condom" had a massive spike in search traffic about 12 hours ago. What could have caused this jump? Did Lindsay Lohan get caught huffing a can in rehab? Maybe Al Roker pimped some on a segment for the Today Show. Our bet: It’s what George Clooney uses with his new lady friend. Hope the spray-on condom didn’t play a role in their recent motorcycle accident. But you know what they say, there’s no such thing as bad press. Spray-on condom, welcome to Internet fame. —NP

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We're a little underwhelmed by GQ's "50 Most Stylish Men" feature (find the slideshow here). Sure, nothing that starts out with Marcello Mastroianni can be bad. And bravo to the sports fan/editor who included George Best and Arnold Palmer. (Arnie, who knew?) But for each perfect entry — Dylan, Beckett, Avedon — there's one that doesn't quite ring true. Certainly better pics could have been found for Beck, Woody Allen, and Francois Truffaut, who seems to have borrowed Tom Baker's costume from Doctor Who.

And there are some even weirder mistakes, stemming largely from the editors’ insistence on offering some sort of style lesson from each subject. In the age of guyliner, for example, why is David Bowie used to illustrate the importance of the tie? And what exactly made Peter O'Toole perfect for a primer on tuxedos? Sure, he could wear the hell out of them — but doesn't penguinwear also kind of choke the dark angularity that made him so alluring? (And don't get us started on a chapless Al Pacino.)

It's worth a look, though, if only for this picture of Robert Redford, who clearly, at one point, actually was the most bitchin' dude on the face of the planet. Where was THAT guy in Spy Game?


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Several years ago, the man was warned by Sweden's Medical Responsibility Board (HSAN) on at least three occasions, after treating an elderly woman's headaches and back pain with his method...[The man said] that he considered himself misunderstood. "I have a personality disorder, or rather a syndrome, a form of Aspergers. Just like Bill Gates or Einstein, for example."

This guy and his "anal massage" sound like a real treasure. He should head over to the States. I'm sure Richard Simmons could use a personal masseuse. (Sorry. We're just always looking for an excuse to mention Richard Simmons.) (Big ups to Jeff for the link).—NP


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Slate has launched their Sex Issue, in which Christopher Hitchens sings the praises of a hummer with a chaser of Glenfiddich. Well, no, that isn’t there. (Yet!) But Slate has applied its intellect and contrarianism to the world's oldest special issue topic. And how can you not love a series that kicks off with a history of the butt? We also enjoyed a piece on the erotic allure of the whip and a roundup with sexperts (including Hooksexup’s former columnists Em & Lo) on what they still don’t understand about sex. Here’s Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First, He Comes Next: “Why do most men still know more about what's under the hood of a car than the hood of a clitoris, and why, in our post-Sex and the City culture, are women faking it more than ever?” Good question, Ian. But can’t we point the finger at Sex and the City a little bit for promoting the idea that sex is a performance of high-pitched squealing? But we digress. We’ll be checking in with the Slate Sex Issue all week and giving you updates. In the meantime, we have some field research of our own to do. — SH


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• Verizon to Naral: SUK IT!!!:): Wireless carrier Verizon won't allow pro-choice activist group NARAL to set up a text-messaging program through their network. [Verizon] told Naral that it does not accept programs from any group “that seeks to promote an agenda or distribute content that, in its discretion, may be seen as controversial or unsavory to any of our users."

• Dating coaches help people "win" at love: NY Times writer Abby Ellin hires $125/hour dating coach Nancy Slotnick to help meet her mate. [Slotnick] instructs women to turn on their “cab light.” “You know how you know when a cab is free because the light is on?” she asked.

• Maybe it's time to reconsider that nightly triple scotch: Study finds that three or more drinks a day ups a woman's risk of breast cancer as much as smoking a pack of cigarettes. Women who drank between one and two alcoholic drinks per day increased their risk of breast cancer by 10 percent...The risk of breast cancer jumped by 30 percent in women who drank more than three drinks a day.

• Change for the better: Largest survey of genital reconstructive surgery recipients finds that most are happy with the results over time. 90 percent of them were happy with the results soon after surgery and nearly half were eventually able to achieve orgasm as a woman after a later follow-up.
  
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Well, this just really raises the bar on censorship. China has banned sex sounds from television. Guess we can assume China’s not watching Tell Me You Love Me. Censors also pulled the plug on a show about female criminals, so you can bet that Sex Starved Fuck Sluts is straight out. China, your mom is strict! You can come over and hear sex sounds on our TV anytime. Bring some dumplings, would you? — SH

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We had tickets to the opera Saturday night, but that was before we remembered that the Furries are going take on the Klingons in, what else but, bowling. We wonder what the prize is going to be? Social acceptance? —NP

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We had a nightmare about Danny DeVito that looked something like this. There was a polka dot kangaroo and Bill Cosby was playing backgammon with a chocolate cow but, yep, this spot for the new season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is pretty much it. —NP

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Best news lede of the day: A 24-year-old man was arrested in Pennsylvania for holding up a convenience store wearing nothing but a hat. Why? Eh, he was bored. So get this: He asked for money, and left after the clerk refused. Come now, people. This isn’t robbery. This is a senior prank. — SH



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Anyone else disappointed by the new TV season’s supposed “Year of the Geek”? We dug Chuck but found its Mr. and Mrs. Smith/Shaun of the Dead mashup a little too on-the-nose. Maybe it’ll come into its own? The Big Bang Theory, however, was execrable, and our hopes are not high for The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Reaper, or any of the other supposed fanboy shows lasting very long, so we’re loath to get attached. We’ve been burned before.Our biggest complaint about these shows? Not enough actual hotties. Lots of “types.” We bet the casting call for Chuck actually went out with a picture of Jim from The Office stapled to it.

Which leaves us with tonight’s Bionic Woman to hook us up with hardcore, hotbot action. But are we talking about series star, Michelle Ryan? Well, she seems sweet, but if Battlestar Galactica’s Katee Sackhoff weren’t playing the baddie, we’d probably skip this too. Season three of Battlestar ended forever ago, and we need a frakkin’ Starbuck fix right about now.

— Bryan Christian


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Concerned about potentially stricter controls on abortion, Polish writer Manuela Gretkowska has founded the Polish Women's Party. Formed as a challenge to Poland's conservative Catholic government, the party is focused on issues like equal pay for men and women and public funding for contraception. And, you know, women. Because nothing says "Women!" like naked ladies on a billboard. —NP

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No rocket science here, just some good clean (and occasionally dirty) pillow fighting. The pillow fight has come a long way from your little sister's sleepovers. It's time we celebrated its social and cultural significance. Plus pillow fights are all about chicks in their underwear wacking each other. Right!—NP

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Umm, this is a David Hasselhoff paper doll. Excuse us while we squeal. You bring the scissors, we’ll stipple on the chest hair. (Big ups to Jashan.) — SH

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These robot porn photos are stills from a movie called The Sex Life of Robots by Michael Sullivan. According to Sullivan, "It's supposed to be like a silent robot porno movie from another planet." There's a whole premise and there might even be a plot, but really what there is here is lots and lots of robot sex—piston-firing, gear-turning, rusty robot sex. This explains why Number 5 locked himself in the bedroom with the computer for three hours last night.(Thanks to Jeff for the link) —NP

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• Art porn under fire: Police seized a Nan Goldin photo owned by Elton John, claiming the image is child porn. (See a small reproduction of the photo here.) In 2001, [Klara and Edda Belly-Dancing], featuring a very young naked girl looking up between the open legs of a semi-clothed older child, had been criticised for making money from exploiting children.

  
  

• Stop the madness, people: Americans have less sex than the rest of the world.
  On average, Americans have sex just 85 times a year— about once every 4.3 days — well below the global pace of 103 times or about once every 3.5 days.

  
  

• Can’t we just all live together, man and wife, man and husband? As the Anglican fellowship splinters, Episcopalians approve another gay bishop but promise they will “exercise restraint”. The statement came in the final hour of an intense six-day meeting and at a crucial moment in the decades-long Anglican debate over how the Bible should be interpreted.

  
  

• Etiquette we can use: How to dump your Facebook friends. Before promiscuous friending turns into a full-blown crisis, it's about time we came up with some basic guidelines for social networking etiquette.
  

Science! It really brings things into focus. Sometimes we even learn something. Like today, for example, when we found out that the sperm of chimpanzees, a promiscuous species of primate, moves faster than those of the more monogamous humans and gorillas. According to a researcher who's studied sperm speed:

Rapidly swimming sperm cells would be evolutionarily favored when the mating pattern is polygamous and that is consistent with our measurements of chimp and rhesus macaque sperm.

Of course! The more people out to high-ho the silver, the faster you'll have to run for the bootie. —NP

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Now we know why all those T.G.I. Friday's employees are so disturbingly friendly. It's because John C. Reilly gets off on it. This video has a funny premise and all, but we've got to be honest and admit that we'd watch John C. Reilly read the phone book if you put it on the Internet. We have it that bad for him. —NP

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Even when her hands stretched up over her head, Pink has bigger boobs than we imagined. Because, of course, we imagined. The portrait comes from the “Visions of Rock” exhibit and was taken by Bryan Adams. Yes, that Bryan Adams, the one who sang “Summer of ’69.” We really don’t have anything more to say about this, sorry. Here’s Pink, and here’s her knockers. (Big thanks to Nicole A.) — SH

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Say what you will about the dangers of giving despots a chance to spread hate, but seriously: mad props to Columbia University for getting an actual world leader to say something as adorably self-delusional as "In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country."

Maybe he's just saying that there's a quality to the homosexuals in the US that's unique? Well, how would he know? Ha. We kid.

Anyhow, he's still totally wrong, and the proof is out there on the interweb. Queerty's actually been monitoring this story for some time, and it's worth a look if you can stand an occasionally serious take on the topic. On the lighter side, Radar's got a choice list of links to the best that queer Iran has to offer.

And finally, Dlisted notes: "No homos in Iran?! Where do they get their clothes? Who does their hair? Who does their make-up? Who decorates their homes? Who is on TV?" Which makes us think: if there really are no gays in Iran, how much do they need some Bobby Trendy?

— Bryan Christian


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Over here in Scanner country, we are having a debate. We, too, are horrified by the comments of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad that no gays exist in his country. However, after reading this writeup in D-Listed, our thoughts have turned elsewhere. Namely, is Ahmadinejad hot? Because Sarah says no. (Too scrawny! Bad hair!) And Nicole says yes. But she also says Margaret Thatcher is hot, which is simply baffling. — SH

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A new report claims that deep-voiced men have more kids. That would explain why we have triplets by James Earl Jones. Also because he’s a naughty, naughty boy with a weakness for French maid costumes and sex swings. Luke, he is your father. — SH

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There are days, and then there are days. A Croatian biker’s penis was struck by lightning as he stopped for a roadside piss. And they say lightning doesn’t strike twice… — SH

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Next time you slut it up in the backseat of your parents' Oldsmobile, don't be caught unprepared. Be sure to pack your Ho On the Go kit. Complete with condom, fresh undies, face cloth, toothpaste, and toothbrush, the kit lets you take in the trash night after night without having to stop home to recharge your battery. It's a cheesy gimmick but a useful one. —NP

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Seriously? That's "action"? It's so boring it's hardly even motion! What about this? Wow. How does this chaste little subgenre of user-generated blue balls exist — let alone thrive — at the top of the charts when anyone can find the filthiest hardcore
porn completely free of charge and without signing anything? (No, we're not linking; you already know where anyway.)

Well, we have a theory, but in the interest of science, posterity, and shameless meme generation, we've decided that the first order of business should be to give a name to this adorable little amuse bouche of titillation, and therefore establish an agreed-upon taxonomy we can all
use. (Web 2.0 forever!)

Half-assed, mainstream smut — we christen thee "HARDLY CORE"! Now go
forth and infiltrate church libraries with your google.com domain name
forever more!!! — Bryan Christian


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• 
  
• Maybe James Dobson should move to Iran: While speaking at Columbia University, Iranian President Ahmadinejad claims that there are no gay people in Iran. In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country...We don't have that phenomenon.

  
  
  

• President Chavez is not a fan of your new boobs: Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez rails against the Venezuelan practice of giving girls breast implants for their 15th birthdays. That's horrible. It's the ultimate degeneration.

  
  
  

• Romance at gunpoint: A couple was robbed at gunpoint in a gazebo at Central Park moments after the man proposed to the woman. He said the night could have been much worse: After he proposed, Nagase could have said no.

  
  
  

• The gay dollar is alive and spending: Survey finds that one in four GLBT people have switched service providers or products to companies that activity support GLBT issues. Consistently, no matter how we frame the questions, we find GLBT consumers place a high value on brands that earn and grow respect within the community.

Us Weekly

Good Witch: Colin Farrell

Worships: Homeless people. While shooting The Recruit in Toronto in 2003, Farrell met David, a bum. At the time, a local radio station was offering $1,000 to any listener who could get the actor into their studio, so Farrell walked David down there and got him the grand. Smart! Then, last week, Farrell is in Toronto again, this time promoting his new Woody Allen movie, and who does he see? David! Sleeping on the street across from Farrell's fancy hotel. This is amazing kismet. The two hop into Farrell's car and dash off to a camping-goods store to buy David a sleeping bag, pants, socks, hats, boots and a swell backpack to put it all in.

In Touch

Shapeshifter: Rosie O'Donnell

Worships: Diane Sawyer. O'Donnell has a new book coming out called Celebrity Detox. It's all about becoming not famous anymore and doing things like videoblogging from home in flannel pants. But guess who's not going to talk to her about it? Oprah Winfrey, even though she's basically the only thing keeping America reading. O'Donnell declined Oprah's offer to come on the show, opting for Good Morning America instead. "Rosie has always been booked with Diane," said her publicist.

People

Insatiable Beast: Marc Anthony.

Worships: Low-grade poultry. After Anthony mentioned on Access Hollywood that he mainlines Original Recipe KFC following each concert, the fast-food chain's president Gregg Dedrick publicly offered him, Jennifer Lopez and their entourage "an all-access pass to the KFC location of your choice . . . Hearing about your fondness for KFC was music to our ears." No immediate response from Marc Anthony on this surely limited-time offer. — Will Doig

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Sex advice couple Dan and Jennifer soothe the perverted beasts inside us with bubbly earnestness and Appletinis. In this installment of Ask Dan and Jennifer, they tackle the adorably antiquated question of whether people actually have oral sex. While Dan Savage gets into tangles with the furries, and Violet Blue teaches us how to have strap-on sex, these two beaming betties make Sue Johanson look like a Blanche Devereaux.

They have been a couple for four-plus years, and according to their website, "We created a ‘Fantasy Box’ where we write down our fantasies in great detail and put them in a box. Occasionally, we draw one out of the box and go for it." This is the cutest freaking thing we've ever read, and it's good advice, too. We'll admit, we thought it was a joke at first, but now we're hooked. We didn't know we needed a break from the fucking machines, and the squirt porn, and the model train stomping fetish, but apparently, we really, really did.

And for that, they are our Crush of the Week.

(Thanks to Jeff for the link) —NP

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Do you guys love the films of Japan's Studio Ghibli as much as we do? Maybe you've caught the Disney re-releases of gems like My Neighbor Totoro and Princess Mononoke? Or, like us, perhaps you were riveted by a second-gen, unsubbed copy of Porco Rosso on university cable access? (Best flying pig vs. air pirates movie EVER!) Well, here's one we'd never heard about till Cracked.com turned us on: "Pom Poko," the charming tale of the Tanuki, or "Japanese raccoon dogs," and the struggle to protect their ancestral forest home from evil real estate developers. Sounds pretty sweet, right? You bet, particularly the part where they bludgeon a bunch of cops with their grotesquely enlarged ballsacs!

We don't even know where to begin with this, but whether or not Pom Poko really deserves to be the "Best Animated Movie for (Traumatizing) Kids", we've certainly got a new number one in our Netflix queue. — Bryan Christian

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The suprise ending to this video proves what we've always known, deep down: Spanx really does work wonders. —NP

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Yeah, we watched this alleged Meg White sex tape. We feel sorry for Meg White. If this isn't her, obviously it sucks that people think it is. If this is her, it sucks that she's getting her boots knocked in some seriously unflattering lighting. We have said it before, and we'll say it again: If you are even marginally famous, don't make a sex tape. Unless you plan to spin it into a life of tabloid fodder, pointless feuding, and brief incarceration, everybody loses. If you do pull a Paris, you sort of win, but the rest of us are still totally freaked out. So turn the cameras off, rock star. Go read a book or something. —NP

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Forget pounds or stone, we want to know what you weigh in celebrity. Whether you're Prince or Roseanne, this celebrity weight scale really puts things into perspective. (via Neatorama —NP

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Think your partner's cheating on you over the Internet? When breaking into email accounts or checking browser histories is just too civilized, head to Catchemout.com and track down other email addresses your sweet, sweet cuddle muffin has been using to betray your love.

Honestly, we don't really recommend giving this site your email address and your cash, but we are committed to bringing you any and all developments on the illicit Internet love and sex front, so here you go. —NP

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Imagine you're married to O.J. Simpson—uh, wait, never mind. Anyway, Page Six is reporting that Nicole and O.J. Simpson once tried unsuccessfully to have a threesome with James Woods. After having dinner with the couple:

Woods said O.J. and Nicole, looking cozy, walked by his room and invited him for a "late-night nightcap" in their suite. "It was very odd...About four days later, I get at my house a letter from her, 'Dear Jimmy,' with a little heart where the 'i" is, [saying] 'O.J. is out of town, maybe you would like to get together.' [I thought], this can't be possible."

Shudder. —NP

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Congratulations to Salma Hayek, who gave birth to a baby girl we will all lust after in approximately 18 years. The countdown for Valentina begins now! Back off, Jeremy Piven. — SH

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• Year of the Alpha Female: As young urban ladies pull down more money than their male counterparts, the NYT Styles section tackles the issue of “dating down”. She would want to try the latest downtown bistro, but her boyfriends, who worked in creative jobs that paid less than hers, preferred diners.

  
  

• Now here’s a trend we can get behind: Transgender communities becoming a protected class in South Florida. "It shined a light on what this discrimination is," said Shannon Minter, legal director for the National Center for Lesbian Rights. "It really underscored how important it is to have these ordinances."

  
  

• But please, no end to the puns: Frank Rich makes a strong case for pardoning Larry Craig. In the past month he has served as an invaluable human Geiger counter for hypocrisy on the left and right alike… If [the GOP] is to muster even a rainbow-lite coalition for 2008, it could use Larry Craig in the trenches.

  
  

• But perhaps seeing your parents naked on TMZ is another issue: As Britney faces criticism for her parenting blunders, Slate asks, “When is it okay to see your parents naked?” If the kid is younger than 3 years old, it's probably harmless. At least, this is what many adolescent psychiatrists believe; there have been few rigorous studies of the subject.
  
  
  
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