The Source: Steve Lewis & Eiseley Tauginas, BlackBook
The Dilemma: "My current boyfriend and I are great together. He's got a crazy fun sense of humor and he's very passionate in bed. But there's one problem. My family and friends who have met him swear up and down that he he's gay. He's a very pretty man and usually befriends gay men before straight ones at the bar. How can I tell if my man is really gay?"
The Advice: From Steve: "Omg! Omg! Omg! Darling why does it matter to you? ...I think you better decide if you'll take him as he is. He sounds like a keeper."
From Eiseley: "The only real way you'll be able to tell if your man is gay is if you catch him banging a dude, so if you're really concerned about it, propose a threesome…with a dude. If he's overly enthusiastic about it, then have that convo."
The Rebuttal: For Steve: WTF! WTF! Sexuality is a core component of who we are, darling. Wanting to know whether your partner is straight/bi/gay-but-only-for-Johnny-Depp doesn't make you homophobic or high-maintenance. If "funny" and "good in bed" are your only standards, then my rageaholic ex and David Letterman are also "keepers."
For Eiseley: Only in Letters To Penthouse Forum and very special episodes of Law & Order: Special Morons Unit do people solve problems by proposing threesomes. What's so wrong with a tactful, adult conversation?
The Source: Alyson Shontell, Silicon Alley Insider
The Dilemma: You are a twenty-something female trying to decide whether it's worth it to whip out the credit card and sign up for an online dating service.
The Advice: "What is the one online activity most of my generation gawks at? Internet dating," says Alyson Shontell, a twenty-three-year-old Syracuse graduate with a degree in Lazily Researched Trend Articles and Mass Generalizations. "Why are us youngsters open to everything except finding a special buddy online? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. The bottom line is, we don't need to use dating sites. No offense, but we're young! And young people are active… There is one exception to this rule. I have a lot of Jewish friends, and most of them are proudly on the dating site Jdate."
The Rebuttal: First of all, it's JDate, not Jdate. Even I know that, and I'm a shiksa. Second through twelfth, there are quite a few people in their thirties and forties who manage to get out there on their mobility chairs, pound a couple of tapioca shots, and everything else that goes along with being "active." Online dating and social networking are not that far removed and I bet you a zillion old-people dollars that you've met at least one person through the latter.
The Source: Doc Love, Ask Men
The Dilemma: "I've been dating Kanesha, a single mom, for a couple of months. I'm twenty-five and she's twenty-eight. I have a very promising career in sales and marketing and own my own home… Kanesha is a waitress at a Red Lobster…Here's my problem: Kanesha texts me just about all the time to fill me in on whatever she is doing in her schedule… I need to know how to stop. – Jeb"
The Advice: "If there's absolutely no chance of you marrying her and being a great father to her kids, you should drop her right now, because what you're doing is all a complete waste of time… You should have told her from the beginning: 'Honey, save whatever you have to say to me for our dates.' …Remember, guys: The only way to beat a bad habit is to not let it start."
The Rebuttal: A caustic "honey" is no way to begin a relationship request. It is, however, a good way to lose your access to free cheddar-garlic-crack biscuits from your girlfriend/Red Lobster waitress. I'm not a single parent, but if I were I'd be pissed off at peeps like Doc Love, who automatically assume having a child means you want to be serious. What if she's texting because she wants to keep it casual? Only a talk will tell.
The Source: Suzi Godson, Times Online
The Dilemma: "My life has become very stressful in the past eighteen months and the only way that I can find the energy to make love to my husband is to drink a bottle of wine beforehand. I love him and want to get our sex life back on track but feel helpless."
The Advice: "Booze is a quick pick-me-up, but what you need is a long-term fix. It's called exercise. I can hear you groan at the thought of another thing to fit into your day but you will feel the change straight away — I promise. Within about three months, one hour of vigorous exercise, five days a week, will give you a brighter outlook, a smaller bottom, and, best of all, a bigger libido."
The Rebuttal: A bottle of wine is a "quick pick-me-up"? What's heroin, then — a glass of warm milk? Exercise is one solution, but I'd also recommend taking a look at your drinking and perhaps individual or couples therapy. Heck, even a daily planner is better than guzzling Merlot to revive yourself.
Commentarium (26 Comments)
To the last (wine-guzzling) letter - why has no one suggested that this person take a look at her LIFE? If it's been that stressful for 18 months that the only way she can have sex with her husband is by drinking a (whole?) bottle of wine beforehand -- there's something wrong there. How much is she working? Has she been talking to her in-laws too much? Are they in financial difficulty? Essentially: is there a way to cut the stress, and thereby cut the need for drinking?
What's wrong with drinking wine before getting busy. Shit, one of the reasons people go out for drinks on dates is that a lot of people like to have some booze in their system before they bang.
As to the Internet date letter - I know a lot of people in their 20s and almost all of them use the Internet to find dates.
As to the first letter - he's banging you, a female. Gay men tend to not do that (even if they've had a bottle of wine.)
What someone needs to say to her and her family is: "Stereotypes are not real! Being into musical theater and Celine Dion has nothing at all to do with whether or not a dude sucks cock!"
Whenever you start seeing alcohol as the "solution" to something important, that's when things start to get bad. She needs to stop drinking entirely just to prove that she can, and if she can't, well, that might be one of those things causing the stress in her life.
As far as texting goes, no one says you have to read them as she sends them. Just tell her you're too busy in your day to read them immediately, and that you go over them when you have more time. If your phone allows for different sounds from different people, make hers something small, or even silent, so it's not distracting.
I see alcohol as my solution for wanting a drink.
Kudos to Erin for the e-dating. Lots of 20-somethings do it, and if they don't, they will. And I haaalf agree with the gay-boyfriend response; I agree that it's a good idea to talk something over w/ your boyf if it's bothering you - but people! gay is not a mannerism or a way of walking or love of floral patterns. It is the desire to have sex - sex! - with men, not women. Having sex with a woman makes someone straight. Having sex w/ men makes them gay. period.
I had sex with women and it didn't make me straight... just unsatisfied. :)
People, plenty of gay men have sex with women. Some gay men are married or have been married to women. I actually know very few gay guys who have never dated or had sex with at least one woman before they came out to themselves. There's only one solution to the woman with the possibly gay boyfriend's problem. My mother has to meet him. If she says he's gay, it's true. I'm serious, the woman has a pretty much flawless record.
And Erin, do I want to know why you know that David Letterman is good in bed? :-P
And Erin should answer Layalally in a top 10 list format.
"Sexuality is a core component of who we are, darling." Hmm... I hope who we fuck is not our defining feature. Sexuality is far from static... as is our "core self." Putting so much importance on whether one is straight, gay, OR bisexual reiterates an oppressive hierarchy of sexuality that benefits no one.
JDate sounds like a lame name for a Java application.
Not to indulge in national stereotypes on anything, but the wine-drinking letter & reply are from the UK. All the Brits I know (and I have worked for several British companies) are much more lassaiz faire about drinking than Americans. not that it makes needing a bottle of wine before sex okay, just pointing out that the cultural context is different in terms of the columnist's tone.
peeps of this post, the woman didn't say she was an alchy-holic, she just wants a good buzz to get her freak on! don't be so goody-goody...but on the serious tip, maybe she should figure out what's causing those fried Hooksexups, at least while walking to the store for the next bottle.
and if I can have the mic, JDate sounds like a casual date-rape drug...I'm worried for all those lonely Jewish women!
"I hope who we fuck is not our defining feature."
Is it THE defining feature? No. But is it ONE defining feature, and among the most important? Absolutely, and gender is a core part of that. I don't disagree that these things have some degree of fluidity, but terms like straight, gay, and bisexual are both arbitrary labels AND descriptions of reality which, whatever their limitations, are nonetheless useful ways for people to understand themselves and their own sexuality.
It seems awfully heavy-handed, even sanctimonious, to describe those terms as "reiterat[ing] an oppressive hierarchy of sexuality". It too much resembles the stereotyped caricature of the women's studies major who hasn't really experienced the world yet in any substantial way, yet thinks she has the right to lecture her peers about how they ought to think and speak.
SF-Hot. I like it when you talk dirty. Call me. 4025786753. We can talk about how little I know about life.
It seems that somewhere in Nebraska, there's a girl named Jenny whose phone number spells "Goal-rumple" and ends in the first 5 digits of a Tommy Tutone song.
i was married young-for 10 years. i must say, after a while, splitting a bottle was the best way to warm up. sex was always ravenous after.
Whenever people stereotypes another person's sexuality, I want to tear them a new one. Oops, can I rephrase that?
YRf8cI The author deserves for the monument:)))
I serched through the internet and got here. What a wonderful invention of the mankind. With the help of the network you communicate, learn, read ... That helped us to get acquainted...
A unique note!!!
I subscribed to RSS, but for some reason, the messages are written in the form of some hieroglyph (How can it be corrected???
Post brought me to think, went to mull over.....
Yeah, now it's clear ... And firstly I did not understand very much where there was the link with the title itself .....
I am glad that your blog is constantly evolving. Such posts only gain in popularity...
I`m so grateful that you enlightened me and the most important thing that it happened in time. Just think, I have been using the internet for six years already but it`s the first time I`ve ever heard about it...
52. "The road will be overcome by that person, who goes." I wish you never stopped and be creative - forever!!!