Miss Information
I'm not attracted to my girlfriend anymore, but if I tell her, it'll devastate her. What can I do?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
I am a multi-orgasmic twenty-nine-year-old bisexual woman who generally dates males. I can have strong and multiple orgasms simply from penetration. They usually start off small (but still rad) and in waves, but there really isn't any orgasm-level predictor. My problem is: after reading so many articles and things about women who regularly fake orgasms, I worry my partner or partners will think I'm being a big ol' faker, even though I'm basically shaking and can't make words. I'm also an occasional squirter, but I'm totally fine with it and most of my partners have been too. But I'm growing self-conscious about my frequent orgasms, because a past partner accused me of faking, and I don't want people I'm fucking to think I'm manufacturing or exaggerating my pleasure.
I actually have met someone who I think I could start an amazing relationship with, but I fear he'll be skeptical as well. I can't find a damn thing on the internet other than cheesy-looking self-help sex books about how to have multiples. What's a girl to do? Help!
— Tell Me About My Vagina or Something
Dear Tell Me About My Vagina,
Here's five dollars — go grab a cup of coffee and do a lap around the building. I need to have a quick chat with every other female in the world.
Okay, everyone else: I can't believe "faking it" is still a thing. Seriously, ladies and lady-bodied individuals: stop fucking faking it. Look at what you have wrought! Poor "Tell Me About My Vag" can't enjoy her effortless multiple orgasms because of you. I hope that stings.
Joking aside: faking an orgasm should basically never happen, ever. First, it cheats you out of a good time. Second, it cheats your partner, who, if they're worth their salt, should really want you to have a good time. Third, it sets up unrealistic expectations in your partner ("Man, she really loves it when I pinch that fat on the back of her arm!") which, if left unchecked, will lead them way off the path. Fourth, it can contribute to egos your partners didn't earn or insecurities they don't deserve. Sex isn't Munchkins Kickball; you don't have to hand out "Congratulations, Participant! You Tried!" trophies. You can have good sex without it being a linear start-middle-orgasm pattern. For the good of humanity, please: stop faking it.
All right, Tell Me About My Vag, how was that latte? Good? So glad to hear it.
When it comes to convincing your partners that, no, you really are enjoying it that much, less is more. The more you explain, the more it becomes a case of "the lady doth protest too much." It doesn't necessarily need to be a conversation. Just do your thing. He will probably be thrilled to be with a girl who shakes the light fixtures loose. If he brings it up, just tell him the truth: "That is just me, and no, I am not faking it. I'm just biologically gifted to have orgasms constantly. You're welcome!" The longer he sticks around, the more he'll see first-hand that you're not lying, and whatever nervousness he has will fade.
For the record, I think the partner who accused you of faking it was speaking out of his insecurity, rather than out of you doing something wrong. From that perspective, he's the one who got screwed over — he's been with partners who were lying through their teeth, and now can't tell the difference. Tell him to send his therapy bill to Cosmo. I'm sure they'll be happy to reimburse him.
Commentarium (55 Comments)
First person- I don't feel bad for you. What a terrible excuse for a question to ask. If I was doing you and you were shaking because it was that good for you, I wouldn't ask if you were faking. I would feel like a friggin king for a week after, because in my mind, I DID THAT! lol
Second person- You lost your attraction cause your GF sucks at life. No job, no money, asking you if you care about her all the damn time. She's asking cause she can tell your full of shit. Just like you said you can almost taste the guilt, she can smell the BS. Is any of it fair to you? You moved into a house with 4 other people you don't know. Four of HER close friends. What about you?
Do you go out once a month or once every few weeks with the guys? Do you still do the stuff you did before you met her? No? Really? Do you feel like you are losing yourself inside her? Don't be that guy. Guys pull and push naturally. You can't be attracted to someone you can't even miss cause you spend EVERY DAY with them. You expect her to be home. She's jobless. There's no attraction because its bland.
I am excited when my GF calls or texts me. I am excited thinking about seeing her. We live our daily lives apart and it helps us stay hot for each other. Obviously you can't get rid of each other.
While I do agree moving in together was probably too soon and is contributing to the feeling of staleness and unattraction, I'm pretty confused when you say you can't be attracted to somebody if you see them every day. What about husbands and wives who live together? (Or husbands/husbands or wives/wives). I live with my boyfriend and granted we've been together for 7 years which is longer than the 10-month relationship in question, the way you say it makes it seem that once two people reach the point in their relationship where they move in together, they are not allowed to be attracted to each other anymore.
Second person might be a gay.
I realize that you're trolling, but it made me laugh nonetheless.
Alan is not trolling! It's very important to realize the second person might be a gay!
Not everyone is a closet homosexual.
WRONG!
I beg to differ.
Rock and a Hard Apartment, if this makes you feel better, keep in mind that attraction towards a person waxes and wanes throughout a relationship. It's like that with parent-child relationships (at some ages/stages parents love their kids more), and with partnered relationships. At some stage you will love your partner more. At some stage (hopefully this doesn't last long) you will love your partner less. It helps to analyse why this has happened (sometimes you are taking your partner for granted, sometimes you fall out of love and realise you don't even like or respect this person). Sometimes you will completely stop caring about your partner. It may be three reasons : 1. Selfishness. The only person you have cared about and will ever care about is you. 2. Mental illness. If it's this one, you will also care less about yourself, pretty much everything. 3. You don't like this person at all. You were blinded by Cupid when you fell in love.
If you simply care LESS about her and have just lost sexual attraction to her, it helps to figure out why. Maybe you are seeing too much of each other. Maybe you are getting the commitment jitters. Maybe you weren't ready to move in with her. Figure out why and if the issue can't be solved, tell her in the nicest possible way and let her go. Get a new place to live.
Dude, if you're also going to lose YOUR friends over this breakup, they aren't even worth your time anymore.
I think the seccond writer dosen't like being her hero as much as he thought so at the begining of thier relationship.
How really thoughtful of you to say so. It doesnt speak about what the guy should do but rather about what he should avoid after he dumps this one. Thats really deep what you just did.
Yeah, reality stings sometimes, hm?
I wish I could give a thumbs up or ''like'' this comment. insight!
second person.
there are too many people in the house.
Too many people, too much drama. I get the feeling Second Person is pretty young, and will look back on this mess one day and laugh and say, "I can't believe I put myself through that ridiculous shit."
@JCB Haha. That particular scrapbook of memories is worth its weight in gold.
By the way, I know it sucks and feelings will get hurt, but she's just your girlfriend. She's not your wife, and you don't have kids together. Actually, "because I don't want to," is ALL THE REASON YOU NEED to break up. Feelings will get hurt, regardless.
You are so right. The stakes are low right now, and you are not the bad guy. If you are not attracted to her, just walk. As my mother said, "Someone has to be happy. It might as well be you."
Good line, thanks for that one Darvin's Mom.
Letter #1 - this is the definition of a first world problem. being afraid that your honest, awesome orgasm is going to scare a dude away is ridiculously dumb. if you're actually getting that reaction from a guy, what you have is not a problem with YOU it's an awesome test of the GUY. you don't need to be concerned about other dumb chicks who fake it, you can't control their behaviours so why are you letting their behaviours control you?
letter #2 - your gf sounds really annoying. insecurity is a huge turn off for anyone, yet a lot of chicks seem to have a pattern of really digging into their insecurities once they have boyfriends, going from that hot chick who first attracted her bf to someone who pretty much thinks they're dirt and will never believe otherwise while constantly insisting on being told otherwise. i can't believe the response to that didn't include that you live with 4 of her close friends. GET OUT. and yes, if your friends hate you because of it then they're losers. you're allowed to break up with someone if the relationship isn't working - always!
Rock and a Hard Apartment should consider reading "Codependent No More" to help him gain a better understanding of roughly where healthy boundaries should lie in a relationship. It may help him to separate his issues from hers and give him better perspective.
Ultimately, loving someone isn't the deciding factor in being with them, but not loving someone makes being with them more painful for both of you.
LW2 sounds like a textbook case of a guy who hooks up with a girl he likes personally, and who's into him, while he isn't very attracted to her but wants to get laid.
And then he turns it into a relationship because he feels guilty and doesn't want to be accused of "using" her, and/or because he thinks he's not good-looking enough to pull the women he really wants, so he has to take what he can get.
And then he gets attached because she's probably smart or funny or kind, or all three -- but he doesn't look at her and think "beautiful", he just sees a collection of flaws and faults. Or maybe he thinks she's OK, but is haunted by the fact that he's never gotten to fuck the willowy, well-manicured girls he thinks are just out of his league.
And of course she instinctively senses his lack of real passion and commitment for her, and that plays into her insecurities and gradually causes her to succumb to depression, anxiety, and self-destructive behavior.
I've seen this sort of thing many, many times. It never ends well.
Oh, and also, she was probably attracted to him in the first place in part because she sensed that he had a big, red, shiny "GUILT" button that could easily be pushed. Neither party is blameless in this sort of thing.
It seems that almost every relationship could follow this path to some extent since attraction inevitably wanes and both partners will start wondering if they could do better, or maybe even cheat. I still think drawing that distinction between work and struggle is the key. Maybe the partners got into the relationship for the wrong reasons, but it is difficult to imagine a relationship where at some point, the partners do not spend time fantasizing about more attractive people, or guilt trip each other...
@BBA: Attraction inevitably wanes? You're either a cynic, someone makes a habit of never choosing partners you can commit to emotionally in the first place, or someone who can't wait out the 'local minima" in a relationship. If your attraction to someone is dead, yeah, it's dead, but "inevitably wanes" sounds like a ready-made exit strategy to justify never fully committing to a relationship.
Oh, lest I sound like I'm taking the side of LW2's girlfriend, I'm actually all for encouraging LW2 to get out of Dodge and find someone else. The girlfriend sounds like a huge buzz kill.
@DBN To clarify, I did intend to say that attraction fluctuates, how could it not? And also, I believe in the "Honeymoon period" of relationships, when the love is really much different. That said, I would love to see statistics of how often couples have sex in there first year of relationship, then second year, and then third and so on, because I think waning is what the trend would be, but I could be wrong...and that also assumes that sex frequency measures "attraction", which I think it does. As for LW2, I also echo the notion of reading "Co-dependent No More" as it can help prevent landing yourself right back in the same relationship. As for me, this article has struck a chord as I am looking to re-ignite the spark with my partner, but I think we have been spending too much time together and need to go out with friends or just to a movie maybe...
I can see that happening, but I wouldn't see it happening for so much time... Months, really?
tape a small picture of someone you find more attractive on her nose. and ask her to do the same to you. it'll be the first step.
Rock and a Hard Apartment- I would add to Miss Information's advice to say that your girlfriend's insecurity issues are not going to be solved by her remaining dependent on you for her sense of self worth. That doesn't mean you should break up her, but consider the fact that you are allowing her to continue her seemingly pathological need for man's love in order for her to feel good about herself. You aren't doing her any favors by keeping the situation as is.
LW1: Whatever, bitch. Write when you have real problems.
LW2: This may sound heartless, but I can see why you're not attracted to her anymore. I'm sure she was great when she was more self-sufficient. Maybe she hid her "insecure mess"iness from her last relationship a little better, and/or they were a lot easier to downplay compared to her better qualities. But at Month 10, she's lost her job, she's a bottomless pit of woe, and instead of coping with her own problems, she's putting everything on you AND demanding that you still find it all sexy.
Of course she detects BS, because who the fuck does she think she's kidding??! Who finds jobless mooches with no self-esteem attractive? Um, nobody, except maybe for those people who marry convicts on death row. And she knows that, which is why she demands your lies. But it's not doing either of you any good, because it doesn't give her a reason to get out of the abyss she's in.
And what she probably really needs is the hard truth. Not WANTS, but needs. If she was all torn up over the ex's cheating (something you're NOT responsible for, btw), it's probably because the ex told her what she wanted to hear while making his escape plan. But now you're doing the same thing, and the sick part is that she's DRIVING YOU TO DO IT with her constant neediness.
Frankly, I think some tough love might be in order. It's a shitty job, but you have to do it. You have to be the bad guy and tell your girlfriend you're just not getting anything out of your relationship anymore compared to what you feel like you have to put in. You've been trying to "fake it," because you care about her, but it hasn't helped. Tell her that you're sorry, but her severe dependence IS in fact affecting your attraction to her, and that she NEEDS to get her shit together, or you're getting your shit together and getting outta there.
That will bring one of two reactions: Either she'll see the light and try to dig herself out of the hole she's in, or she'll double down on her "I'm so broken and it's all someone else's fault" routine and try to turn everyone against you. Well, only sociopathic, emotional vampires would do #2, which gives you the green light to bail if that's the case. As for your mutual friends- it might be rough for a while, if she's as good at trashing you as you fear. But I'm guessing that when those friends have the job of being your girlfriend's keepers for a while, they'll start seeing your side of the story real fast.
This is a very long way of saying, "Just pull the trigger already. It won't be as bad as you think, even if it is as bad as you think."
I'm tired of people slamming LW1 for being "dumb" or a "bitch" Here's someone who had a free and utterly truthful experience in one of the most intimate settings there is (an orgasm during sex), and the person who was supposed to care about her accused her of lying. Wouldn't that make you a little self-conscious?
What, that people saw my O-face so much they suspected trickery? Except it wasn't, and I actually managed to pull it off? Um, no it wouldn't.
But that's in the event that the first letter was an actual problem and not a thinly-veiled brag-fession, "Dear Everyone, My problem is too much awesomeness. Yes, I really am that awesome! Apparently I'm *so* awesome that less awesome people have trouble believing it. However will I deal with this horrible burden of relating to people not used to being around people as awesome as me?" LW1 knows she doesn't have a real problem. She just wrote in to brag.
"She just wrote in to brag."
I don't think we have enough information to know whether she did or didn't, but the vehemence of your reaction sure says a lot about you. Somehow I'm guessing she's a lot more fun in the sack, and a lot less bitter and resentful.
Guys, seriously. As a woman who has the SAME capacity as LW1 (multiple orgasms from penetration), I am completely with her on this. I've had sexual partners who seemed disbelieving, and it's uncomfortable. Is it a *real* problem of the kind that LW2 is in? Hell no. Does it mean it thereby DOESN'T require advice or thinking through in terms of how you might navigate it? No also. So chill out guys.
I don't think the issue is as much about other women faking the orgasms as it is about men not understanding multiply orgasmic women. I sometimes don't like having my clitoris stimulated because it's too much, too intense, and it can be hard to explain that to a guy who wants to see how much he can get you off. Am I going to cry about it? No. But I once tried the "I'm not going to explain this to him" route that LW1 mentions, and the result was I later found out the guy I was with didn't think I EVER had an orgasm -- he couldn't read what was going on with my body because he didn't understand such a thing was possible. I don't think there's anything wrong with a brief explanation of what's going on. Anyway, bottom line: just do your thing, try not to worry in advance about how a guy may react, and afterward, thank him for an amazing sexual experience, and express your gratitude to your mom's genes that you're as lucky as you are. If he's going to douche around over that, he's the wrong guy for you. And if a guy ever outright accused me of faking to my face, I would laugh and then dump his douchebag ass.
I think one of the issues LW#2 has encountered is how much more simply men are trained to see attraction than women.
Bear with me for a second--if a woman wrote this exact letter, she would probably have identified that the reasons her attraction has waned are not a reflection on her partner's appearance (which, it sounds like, hasn't changed), but on her partner's personality. The LW, on the other hand, seems to be under the impression that any change in his attraction must be purely superficial, thereby making him a cad. The guy needs to be able to recognize that despite the fact that it goes against everything the media's been telling him about male attraction, there is more to it than appearance. What's change in the relationship? You've seen sides of her personality and character that you never noticed before, and they're ugly. You haven't seen strange new ugly angles of her face.
Why does it even matter if you makes this mental switch? Because it's a huge part of all of this guilt. You think that this is a decision made by superficial, Douchey Guy instincts that you didn't know were in you. They're not in you. What's in you is the wonderful, healthy desire to get away from an insecure, highly dependent girl who's looking for a father, and not a partner. This doesn't make you a cad or an asshole. Work out a plan for moving out of the apartment within a month of two; explain what's going on to your friends without being too hard on her OR yourself. You're not being a bad guy here. You're doing what you need to do to get out of an unhealthy relationship.
I can think of one particular situation where a woman faking an orgasm is probably the best decision:
* You're having a one-night stand. Lot of times, you have these people who are terrible lays (myself included). Some of those times won't listen to advice about it and aren't willing to end the night on a "don't worry about it, not a problem, you did fine" because its an ego thing. They set up the situation where 1. you just want to get it over with and 2, the easiest way to get there is to fake an orgasm.
Beyond that, I dunno. LW2 should save up, move away, hit the road, and become a traveling musician. Then, two years down the line he should have a life-changing revelation and open that italian restaurant he had always dreamed of running.
I don't know why you would do that to save someone's ego. If they're doing one-night stands, they should be prepared to get burned now and then.
Ditch the bitch.
Yes girl #1, some of is aren't built that way (about 85%. according to some recent studies), and you should be crazy thankful. Hopefully, most are lucky (like me) and can figure out what works and a partner willing to listen. But to get there, experimentation is key. So, let's be real about the blanket "no faking " policy. Unless you have the unusual gifts of the girl who wrote this letter, the policy leaves you a few options. 1) Boycott penetration altogether (few of us will choose this) 2) Do not engage in casual sex (despite the fact that you enjoy many aspects of it and can climax through foreplay) 3) Give a stranger a long and elaborate speech about how porn actresses are just that, actresses, and how, to save you both discomfort and some humiliation, he is going to have to get off of you at some point.
#2...
Your girlfriend sounds passive aggressive... by taking advantage of your good nature, she has worked the angles to procure herself a boyfriend and an apartment.
What you're feeling now is a combination of guilt, resentment and personal insecurity. You're probably saying to yourself stuff like: "Maybe I'm not attracted to her, but is that all there is in a relationship...will I ever find anyone that loves me as much as she does...is sex that important an issue?...what's the point of breaking up with her if I'll never wind up with anyone I REALLY want anyway..."
My advice... dump her immediately. After that, take a hard look at your life and maybe work on changing certain aspects of how you deal with relationships. Chances are, you've been cutting yourself short for years.
I'm gonna go ahead and play devil's advocate about letter #2. First of all, you guys moved in with one another after 10 months; more factually, you moved in with her. You also knew early on in the relationship that she had at least a level of insecurity due to the fact that she opened up to you about her being cheated on. I would also suggest that maybe this woman really and truly is going through a very, very hard time in her life. So let's relay the facts: you've set yourself up as a loyal ally (by moving in), she obviously trusts you to take care of her heart (by telling you her insecurities), and now you're ready to bounce after what I can only assume is a couple of months. How about you put on your big panties and just talk to her about it, hm? it would be a shame if you were making her into something she isn't. Then again, you might find the reassurance to leave her. In any case, from the facts that the writer's given, I would say that he's using her as much as she's using him and that's probably why he feels guilty: BECAUSE HE SHOULD. I was dumped 2 weeks after my best friend died from heroin with little more than a 5 minute conversation. While we weren't living together, I wouldn't wish it on anybody to be left by their significant other at the exact moment in life when they need them the most. So, whatever you do, at least be supportive, and maybe suggest therapy. If she's going to school, it's generally free on campus and other therapists will work with rates. Simply bouncing out just seems cowardly. And I don't like cowards.
Totally 100% agree! When I got laid off, I moved in with my bf and basically gave up on life while he supported us. I slept in late everyday, didn't feel like doing anything...if he went out of town, I wouldn't leave the house for days. Finally he got fed up and we had a serious talk - he didn't want me to be a burden forever, I needed to get out of my funk and get my shit together or he would leave me. He easily could've just bounced at that point and I would've been left with nothing.
LW2 got himself into this situation, so he needs to sit this girl down and slap some sense into her. If she can't find a job, she should volunteer, maybe make and sell things on Etsy, etc. He doesn't have to stay with her, but at least help her get her shit together!
WOW Lw#1 haters--jealous much?? So some of us are blessed in the orgasm department- that's no reason to call her a b*itch. Her question was honest, legit,( if unusual) and written in a non-bitchy non-braggy way.
Not really.
that came to my mind reading about someone having too many orgasms was shut the hell up. Don't complain, that's not even a real problem. Guy says "you're faking" you say: "no I'm not." problem solved.
jealous, much? actually, she did have a "real" problem in that her previous partner took what should have been an intimate experience and accused her of lying to him. That shatters trust in relationships, and I'd certainly be a little gun shy afterwards.
#2, put your little getaway fund together and get away ASAP. There's no one path, no matter how carefully plotted, that won't freak/depress/enrage her, and she's got four close-friend roommates to back her up. Handle it with sensitivity and compassion if you can, but there's no way to handle it right.
#1, I am also a multi-orgasmic chick who squirts. My boyfriend loves it, and why shouldn't he? Just enjoy the hell out of it, and, as "the first thing" comments above me, crush the doubts of any dude who doubts you. Life is plenty shitty sometimes, so we have to enjoy the gifts we get, whatever they may be - if I'm feeling like a basket case with no life and shitty prospects, at least I can go have some awesome sex! And if I'm annoying my boyfriend, I make it up to him with more of the same. A guy who won't see the beauty of your abilities is not the guy for you.
LW1 sounds like a great lay and a nice person. The people telling her to shut up and be thankful? They sound like the opposite of those things.
Perhaps there's a connection after all between a person's orgasmic capacity and the warmth of their personality. I've always thought so, and in fact it's been my experience. It's not a fashionable opinion, but I'm unaware of any reason why I should give a fuck.
For at least the first month of moving in with my bf, I stopped being attracted to him. I was sure I was going to have to break up with him. I'm not saying you'll definitely get over it, but the strain of moving in together can definitely make you disinterested for awhile. One of my good friends gave me this awesome advice: give it 3 months. If you still want to break up in 3 months, then do it, but give yourself that adjustment period without doing anything hasty. I am really glad I waited before doing anything drastic.
If a guy wrote in with the same prob as the first girl, NO ONE would be saying the things they are on this forum. Sexism lives people! Watch your words.
Be honest. Nothing else will ever work for either of you. The longer you draw it out, the deeper you get in the shit.
Oh...and man up you nutless asshole.
Now you say something