Miss Information
My roommate's cheating on his girlfriend with my other roommate. Who should I yell at first?
by Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
There's a cute boy who works at my local coffee shop. He's worked there for a while, but we've gotten to know each other better recently because I work nearby and so stop in more often. We get along great and have the same sense of humor, and I've taken to stopping in just to say hello when I've got a few extra minutes on my way to work. Today, after a few weeks of discounted drinks, inside jokes, and more than a little friendly flirting, he gave me his number. I didn't ask for it, but smiled and accepted it before making my way home. I joked that he didn't even know my name, to which he responded, "I don't have to know your name to know I think you're an awesome person." While this may sound like the beginning to a great indie romance film, there's one slight hitch: I'm a lesbian.
My sexuality has only come up once in our conversations, and even then I'm not sure what he thought of the passing reference. I didn't say I was gay so much as mention an ex-girlfriend. I don't exactly "look the part" of a lesbian, whatever that means these days, but I've simply reached the point where I'm so tired of coming out again and again, to everyone I meet, that I rarely bring it up unless it's directly addressed. And while I would genuinely like to hang out with him — as I said, we get along well — I'm not sure how to make that happen without asking him to hang out and then having some sort of awkward conversation about my current girlfriend to be sure he knows it's not a date. My girlfriend doesn't live here, and I don't necessarily want to invite him to hang out with all of my friends because I know at least one would shout "She's gay!" the second he walked in the door.
I know part of this is my fault — I'd be lying if I said I hadn't flirted back, and I feel bad that I let things progress to this point without clarifying the situation. There's something about knowing someone, boy or girl, has a crush on me that makes me determined to act like the alluring, confident temptress I think they think I am. But I don't want this to end like similar situations I've had. Boys have mistaken my openness and teasing/joking for actual amorous interest and then, once I've explained that I'm really, truly a lesbian, either pursued me in the hopes that I would reveal some burning physical desire for them, or labeled me a cocktease and cut me out of their lives except for the occasional belligerent drunk text.
Like I said, I want to be his friend. I've had fallings out with some of my closer guy friends (for the reasons I've outlined above) and I miss having that male friendship. Do you think it's possible, given the situation so far? If it is, how do I go about accomplishing that?
— Female Really Isn't Enjoying Needless Difficulties
Dear FRIEND,
Let's assume a couple of things about this guy: 1. That he's charming (he sounds like it) and 2. That, even if he l-o-v-e-loves you, he'll get over it. My point being, the dude works in food service and chats up cute girls all day. He'll be able to dust himself off and get back to chatting up straighter cute girls.
More importantly, if he "thinks you're an awesome person (subtext: maybe I can get in her pants?)" then he will still "think you're an awesome person (subtext: we can talk about comic books together)." I don't think intentionless flirting precludes your chances of being his friend. But, unless you want to go the Weezer route (may I suggest painting your face with rainbow stripes?), you're going to have to come out. I know, it's super-annoying, but don't make him write a catchy song about you.
It doesn't need to be a big conversation; a casual mention can do the trick. Add an ego boost for good measure: "By the way, you should know I'm a lesbian. I just think you're awesome and didn't want to lose the chance to get to know you." Don't psych yourself out too much about it. It may come as a momentary surprise to him, but hearing that romantic overtures are off the table shouldn't affect him too much. He'll still get an awesome friend out of the deal, which is a net gain from where he was before he met you.
Dear Miss Information,
I fear that I have acquired a tired case of the My-Roommates-Are-Hooking-Up-Behind-My-Back-And-One-Of-Them-Is-In-A-Committed-Relationship-Itis. There is a little bit of history, but it is basically this: I like him. I don't like her. I like his girlfriend. I've caught them once before, and they said they would stop. But it's been a few weeks now, and I'm suspecting that they're back at it.
They're both to blame for their underhanded (and, may I add, trite) actions. But I'm in a bit of a tight spot, not because my knowing about the affair forces a lie by omission every time I see his girlfriend, but also because if I tell and he and his girlfriend break up, there's no reason for him and our roommate to stop hooking up. My strategy thus far has been to stay away from our house as often as possible, lest I catch them again. But I don't want to keep avoiding the situation, which has seriously strained my relationship with him, a best friend of five years. What should I do?
— Never Acting Reassures Cheating
Dear NARC,
Oof. I searched my memory for any '90s pop song to pawn you off on ("Here! Len's "Steal My Sunshine" should solve it! Catch you later!" but no dice.) This situation does sound sticky.
Your best bet is to stay out of the politics of his relationships entirely, but hold your friend accountable for the position you're in. And he is accountable — he's the cheater, which makes him the guiltiest party. Talk to him and tell him how this affects you. Boiled down, that's your stake in this issue: he can screw up his relationships all he wants, but you are being dragged into it. You're in the uncomfortable position of either ignoring it or playing relationship referee, which is a lose-lose situation for you. He needs to step up and take responsibility.
At the same time, draw limits on your involvement. Yes, his relationship affects you, but you should stay above the fray. It's not your job to tell his girlfriend, nor is it your job to cover his tracks. You can, however, give him the macro perspective that he may be missing. Tell him how awkward it is for you and make a case for respecting his girlfriend. He needs to realize his actions have consequences, and he can't just have a girlfriend on retainer and an affair at home. Make your point clear, then back off. His conscience should take over from there. If you get any more involved, you'll just be a messenger in danger of being shot.
Ultimately, what you roommate is doing is extremely uncool, and he needs to make some changes. Besides the two girls he is stringing along, he is also putting your friendship in jeopardy. That's a lot of collateral damage for the cheap thrill of sneaking around.
Commentarium (64 Comments)
"Intentionless flirting?" Please shut up. It was entirely intentional -- she liked the attention, feeling desirable, etc. She very-knowingly confused him & sent him phony signals so she could feel better about herself. I'm sure he's a big boy who'll handle the lesbian news just fine, but glossing over FRIEND's shitty behavior is weak.
I'm with you, though perhaps not as outraged. She needs to quickly set the record straight, and kindasorta ask for his forgiveness. Something along the lines of "Listen, I'd still absolutely love to hang out with you at some point - our convos at the coffee shop are sometimes the highlight of my day. But while I'm not completely sure of your intentions, you should know that I'm 100% a lesbian. If you're willing to be just friends that'd be awesome, but if not I think I'd understand"
It was shitty behavior of "FRIEND".
Parsnippy; you ever worked as a barista or had a barista that was maybe a little extra friendly? Clearly not. You have a high amount of cute, funny people walk through your door every single day, some of whom you see on a regular basis and develop a relationship of sorts with. I can think of five regulars that I had harmless flirtatious relationships with.
People flirt, plain and simple, sometimes people want to take it past that. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't, it doesn't mean FRIEND is shitty or what she did is shitty.
+ 1
Agreed. I know how apologist we can be about our own innocence but think of this scenario in any other context. For example, I am in a committed relationship; therefore, when people flirt with me beyond casual flirting, I immediately pull back politely, because it IS rude to send the wrong message, and selfish as well.
LW1 is so full of shit her eyes are brown.
"There's something about knowing someone, boy or girl, has a crush on me that makes me determined to act like the alluring, confident temptress I think they think I am." Oh really? You just can't HELP but act like an alluring temptress, because they MADE you, by having a crush on you? Give me a break. The occasional cutesy giggle or fetching hair toss, sure, every gal's been known to throw out one of those. But going so far as to break out the complete set of Alluring Temptress Moves? Regardless of gender preference, even? Puh-lease. Nobody MAKES you do that. You make you do that.
But who's fault is it that LW1 acts that way, and they "get the wrong idea?" Oh no, not LW1. "But I don't want this to end like similar situations I've had. Boys have mistaken my openness and teasing/joking for actual amorous interest..."
I don't think anyone's misinterpreting your behavior except you, LW1. Especially in this case, when you're backing it up with outright deception by not wanting to come clean about your sapphic ways or have the guy meet your friends because they might spill the beans. It's one thing to "not want to come out to everyone, all the time," but you're actively pretending you're not a dyke, ffs. What the hell are you doing? That's not flirting and it's certainly not harmless. It's more like being a giant closet case and fucking with people.
Maybe you should spend less time in the coffee shop and more time on your self-esteem, LW1.
parsnippy appears to have swallowed a golf club.
The flirting described in the first letter is perfectly okay...each party feels good about it. The letter writer is going to tell the guy she's a lesbian and they will remain flirty friends at least and at best may evolve into really good friends.
but, really, of greater concern is that golf club...good luck with that, parsnippy!
ad hominem is what this thread really needed. thx for your input.
Bad advice on the second question. The answer is: 'This is none of your business, they are grownups, you should leave them all alone to have whatever sex behind each other's backs that they want to.
I'm having a lot of trouble understanding why this photo at the top appears with this piece. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything. Some guy with sideburns, looking at his hand. You might as well have a picture of a rhinoceros or some peanut butter or the Crab Nebula.
I assumed he was making coffee.
I Second that. Also assumed he was making coffee. but once i opened it i ignored the photo and went right to the article. Maybe i'm weird??
LW1. You ARE a cocktease and I wouldn't blame him for giving you the boot. This easily dusting oneself off bs is only partially true. Not when you've had the whole perfect indie movie romance going on for a while.
Btw, someone mentioned an "ex girlfriend" to me just the other day and they weren't romantic.
You should get your act together and make up your mind about that it is you want, what you want people to think of you and act accordingly without jerking people around. Yes, I know. Straight people do it all the time. Still doesn't make it right.
@SMT The concept of being a "cocktease" is still around? God, I hate that phrase, mostly because it victimizes all the poor, defenseless cocks that somehow don't get any action. :***( Poor little dicks! Hang in there, buddies! You'll get there someday!
I'm mostly annoyed that there is no equal-and-opposite equivalent. What do you call a guy flirt-slut? A clittease? If "cocktease" isn't going away, I want something just as horrifying for us ladies to throw around.
While I know there isn't a term that we can throw around to disparage people with convenience, there's definitely a male equivalent if we're just talking about actions. I think women refer to men who do that do them as just a "dickhead" which, while not as sexually charged, is a great blanket for guys who use other people as self-esteem crutches. It's a little bit of the pot calling the kettle black since I've been that dude before, but it also makes me almost impervious to "cock teases" so it's had some upsides.
There isn't an equal-and-opposite equivalent because, generally speaking, heterosexual men and women have somewhat different goals, and employ different forms of deceit, when they're dating. I'm sure there are women out there who pay for several dates and then get turned down for sex by someone who never had any intention of sleeping with them in the first place, just as I'm sure there are men who lament that all the women they meet don't really want a relationship, but lie and say they do in order to get sex. But there aren't that many.
It's laudable to want to treat the sexes in a balanced way, but while I'm all for the idea that men and women are equally shitty to each other, the manifestations of that shittiness are different. So the word is "cocktease" because way more cocks get teased than clits. If you want a gender-neutral equivalent, there's "putting out".
P.S. There's also "attention whore" which is basically gender-neutral, but doesn't really address the key dynamic: someone who wants to reap the benefits of other people's sexual interest, and wants to make them think they have a chance so as to keep reaping those benefits, but doesn't want to ever actually put out.
I'm with Cait. When you use the word, "cocktease" you just show your age, or ignorance, or both. It's like hearing your grandpa call someone a' spic. It implies that women somehow owe you sex just for flirting, when in reality, people flirt with each other all the time for no reason.
Flirting with someone you couldn't possibly feel the slightest sexual interest in is deceptive, crappy behavior. You're toying with them and their hopes/emotions, and you're setting them up for a fall, just to boost your own ego.
So fucking childish. I've flirted with married people and gay dudes and I did not feel deceived or toyed with, because I am not 16 and I do not think that everyone I flirt with seriously wants to fuck me, or that they think I seriously want to fuck them.
"cocktease" -> stupid word, sure, but that's a separate issue from LW1 being a player.
See, like, I can understand if you're just an extroverted person, cause people like that I know get numbers thrown at them all the time.
But you know, to the people who are like "WTF is all your problem with LW1, I flirt with people all the time!?" well, sure, but there's ha-ha-what-a-cool-and-knowing-joke-we-have-going-on "flirting" and then there's you're-cute "flirting," and there's a very thin line between them but it's there. And as Kevin intoned below, if the kind of flirting you're doing is the kind where guys have again and again (as LW1 says) "mistaken" your "openness ... for actual amorous interest" then maybe you're doing the second kind of flirting, and need to tone it down a bit. Why tone it down? Not because sex is bad /ladies shouldn't be sexy / you should be repressed, etc. It's because you don't want a relationship from these dudes but the endgame is you're leading them on.
It's disingenuous to say "oh, but the behavior I'm doing is just friendly! It's just who I am. It's not my fault they're misinterpreting it. Nobody should take this behavior as flirty in that way. I should be allowed to talk to guys this way without them constantly hitting on me. So it's their fault if they get the wrong idea." if, in application, your behavior more often then not will lead guys to get the wrong idea. Like, if you know you're doing something that communicates a particular I-like-you-yes-you message to guys (even if you'd like to live in a society in which it didn't), and you keep on doing it, it becomes you're fault that the guys are getting the wrong idea.
I don't see how LW1's desire to be as casual and fun-loving as she likes to think she is all the time trumps anyone elses' desire to not have games played with their emotions. That LW1 would pretend it's reasonable to assume it does speaks to how much she gets a kick out of the "mistake" that all the guys keep making. She likes to be constantly reminded that she could still get it with who she wanted if she was straight, just like some married folks feel the need to constantly demonstrate to themselves that they could still get it if they were single.
Okay, yeah, I am not really disagreeing with you, Hu Jintao. But there is a huge difference between "she is bad at reading people/she does not know how to interact platonically with guys" and "she is a cocktease/bitch/bad person."
cock tease equivalents: twat tease? blue labes? clit-down, as in "he was a total clit-down"? vag badger?
Love Cait's response here!
Also, I think the big thing to remember is that LW1 has already disclosed the fact that she dates women to this guy. He hasn't been intentionally deceived. If he feels hurt then he wasn't considering all the information at hand.
As a black lesbian who has been called everything under the sun by straights, gays, whites, blacks, and plenty of others, Yeah, and Cait, my need to be PC has mostly disintegrated.
I suppose its unfair to ponder what a Mr. Information would be like, but I can't help but switch the genders and orientations of LW's each week and wonder if the answers would be the same. I think men get a very bad rap around here. While I understand "I sound like a broken record," if this was a dude leading a female barista on or a straight same-sex individual leading a gay same-sex individual on, the answers would differ. I don't see why she's getting a pass for bad behavior.
I'm going to stand by my statements I've claimed from the beginning. She is a cocktease and she should be careful with the signals she's sending. Simple as that. But I do appreciate the thought provoking responses. Good talkin' to ya!
@Um: No she hasn't told him; hence the letter to Misinformation.
She said she casually mentioned something about an ex-girlfriend once which could be interpreted as a platonic ex-friend. She had yet to mention that she does in fact date women exclusively and has a romantic long distance relationship with a woman.
Wait, whaat? Who refers to their old friends as "ex-girlfriends"? That's weird. I'd say it's fair that the guy might have assumed the was bisexual, as she was flirting with him but had a female ex; saying that it's normal or expected for people to refer to old friends as 'exes' is a stretch.
@SMT: Honestly, I think if it were a guy saying that he was gay but he flirted with a girl, I would say the same thing: He should be up front with her ASAP, but it doesn't sound like the flirtation was anything more than harmless fun, and certainly not the crime some of you are making it out to be.
LW1 is worried because of what's happened to her in the past, and I think she's giving her own behavior the harshest possible interpretation. She may find when she finally calls this guy that he's known since the "ex girlfriend" remark that she's gay, and he wants the same kind of platonic friendship she does.
The first story sounds like a situation I have at work. The girl is a lez and she openly talks about her GF to me (I'm pretty sure nobody else at work knows she's not straight) however there is some flirting between us (I'm not "available" either). The flirting is fun sometimes but I often find myself wanting her in ways I'm sure she'd find appalling. We work very close together on a daily basis and it's practically impossible to avoid her which makes getting her out of my head that much more difficult. She's got my head twisted like a MoFo.
Some of you guys are taking barista flirting way too seriously. Flirting with someone that you don't intend to date or sleep with is not evil, it's something people do every day. Married people with no intention of cheating flirt. Gay people flirt with the opposite sex; straight people flirt with the same sex. There's nothing mean about it, and it's very childish to think that way.
With that said, it does seem like LW#1 has built herself a situation that will be uncomfortable to get out of no matter what she does, but I agree with Miss Info that she has to just say it, ripping the band-aid off that issue ASAP. If he does pull some sort of douchey "Well maybe you're only gay cause you haven't gotten a piece of THIS," then maybe he is actually a high school bully from a 80's movie, and also he is probably not someone you wanted to hang out with anyway.
I flirt with people that are unavailable, I flirt with people that I think are cool but I'm not sexually attracted to...but I never lead them on into thinking a date is maybe in the cards down the line. Our friendships are established as platonic, and some lines are never crossed. And if by some crazy happen-stance some woman got mixed up and pressed her number on me, I'd let her know where I stand immediately. Leading people on is toying with them and their hopes/emotions, and you're setting them up for a fall. She's doing it just to boost her own ego.
"And if by some crazy happen-stance some woman got mixed up and pressed her number on me, I'd let her know where I stand immediately." Okay, so yeah, that part I agree with totally, and she fucked up there.
"And if by some crazy happen-stance some woman got mixed up and pressed her number on me, I'd let her know where I stand immediately after I had sex with her a couple times." Okay, so yeah, that part I agree with totally.
lw #1: I agree with miss info that this isn't a big deal and he shouldn't react like this is the end of his world - it was some harmless flirting, he followed up on said harmless flirting by tossing a line out; she is now going to reject his efforts and he will hopefully move on with his life, nbd. That said, it's a bit naive to assume that they will def become friends after this. Maybe they will; more likely, he was romantically interested in her, and when he finds out he doesn't have a romantic shot, he'll back off. That's just how it often goes.
lw #2: move out, move out, move out. No, it isn't fair. Yes, it's the only way. This is all gonna blow up and you are waaaaay too emotionally involved in this situation. If you are unable to roll your eyes and go about your business untroubled, then you are far too involved in drama that needn't concern you, and you need to move out.
It was deceitful flirting. That's the difference. Otherwise it would have been no big deal. Though still a little effed-up if she were straight, kept rolling things forward, then turned tail and ran scared at the logical next step.
Re. the second question: This is not your cup of tea. This is no crime you absolutely have to report. Shut up. Basta.
"Basta"?
Basta, italian, for "that's enough", often used in non-italian languages.
I've never heard "basta" used in other languages except in the US. Well except in pirate-speak, where the equivalent word is "avast" - "Avast there, ye lubbers!"
I was very happy to see the Len reference.
They were robbed of a Nobel Prize for Music.
A reference to a past girlfriend isn't going to cut it. I had the best (straight) sex of my life with a girl who had an ex-girlfriend. She was fun to hang out with because we both liked doing some of the same things. =)
LW1: The time to say "Listen, I have a girlfriend" was around the same time he started giving you discounted drinks. It's one thing to flirt, but when you accept financial benefits from someone, you owe it to them to make it clear that you're not open and available. It's not OK to make a profit from leading someone to believe that you might be open to exploring a romantic liaison with them. Even if his feelings aren't important to you, your own self-respect should be.
P.S. Yes, he might not want to be friends anymore, or give you discounted drinks, if he knows you're a lesbian and will never be interested. That's life. Many people have all the friends they need, and want to put their remaining energies towards a romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong with losing interest in someone if they're not a candidate for that. Most of us don't actually follow through if a date ends with "I'm not feeling the chemistry, but I hope we can still be friends."
I think the "financial benefits" clause is a little weird... What does money have to do with sexual/romantic obligations? Especially if he's just an employee - I'm sure he isn't taking home the profit at the end of the day, he's mostly just stealing a couple pennies from his employer to curry favor with an attractive female.
He might well behave in exactly the same way if he knew she were a lesbian and/or not interested in him, but he has the right to decide that for himself. It's not exactly a radical idea to say there's a difference between flirting with someone (even if you're not into them), and financially benefiting from flirting with someone who isn't on the same page as you. It doesn't really matter whether it comes out of his pocket or not; the point is that it's skeevy to make money that way (and if she's getting discounted drinks, in effect she's making money), because you're taking advantage of the other person through deceit.
I'm sorry, but no. I have accepted a good number of free and discounted drinks at coffeeshops. If I replied to each of those with, "By the way, I'm not interested in you," I would have been called presumptuous, arrogant and bitchy. 99% of people that do you some casually nice favor like that are not actually going to ask you out.
I think the right time to have brought it up was right after he asked her out. Not saying "I'm gay" after he gives you his phone number -- yeah, that's giving the wrong impression. (And I'd be surprised if the LW didn't want to, at least a little, give him the wrong impression in this case.) Coming out to any guy who does something nice to you, JUST IN CASE? That's tedious, and embarrassing, and relies on the assumption that if someone does you a favor, you owe them something in return, which I find inherently bullshit.
Also, I think you missed Ryan's point -- the guy isn't actually losing any money in this exchange (unless it's his coffeeshop, I guess). Most baristas have to make replacement drinks for customers fairly frequently, too, so it's incredibly unlikely that he'll have a manager counting cups behind his back and about to fire him over a few free drinks.
Uh, it's really easy to offhandedly mention a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner in casual conversation so that the other person knows what's going on. I've done it a million times. If you said "by the way, I'm not interested in you", you would come off like a presumptuous arrogant bitch, but there's no need to be that direct unless the other person has a serious case of Asperger's.
Also, we're not talking about a one-time thing, we're talking about an ongoing interaction stretching out over weeks. The guy's obviously interested, and she doesn't want to clue him in because she wants the attention and the free drinks, and because she probably wouldn't get either of those things if he knew she was unavailable for multiple reasons.
Finally, I didn't miss the point at all. The skeevy thing isn't his loss -- that's irrelevant -- but her profit. If you're ever in an ONGOING (not one-time) situation where you financially benefit from deceiving someone into thinking they have a chance with you, then you need to stop it and come clean -- not by making some big speech, but just by mentioning a serious girlfriend (or even a fictitious boyfriend, if she doesn't want to come out). They might decide to keep doing exactly the same thing, but THEY have the right to make that decision.
I mean, for Christ's sake, it's really simple: if you think someone's interested, mention a girlfriend! Or a boyfriend! It takes two seconds, and keeps you from being a total douche, and creates a basis of honesty for building a real friendship.
AAC is 100% right.
If this happens with ALL of her guy friends, the she has a problem. Once in a while? Ok, harmless flirting taken too seriously by a few. But if she has no male friends because they all end up reacting that way, then she sucks at *harmless* flirting, and obviously doesn't know the line not to cross.
So she doesn't like to "come out" to everyone. Mentioning she's in a relationship casually would have put the stops on the guy getting the wrong idea without having to say "I have a girlfriend, yes I'm a lesbian, 100% completely, I like girls, you have no shot in hell". She doesn't want to because the attention would stop. When I'm in a relationship and I meet someone of the gender I'm interested in I make sure to casually mention the relationship the second I get a whiff of the person maybe liking me.
"Mentioning she's in a relationship casually would have put the stops on the guy getting the wrong idea without having to say "I have a girlfriend, yes I'm a lesbian, 100% completely, I like girls, you have no shot in hell". She doesn't want to because the attention would stop. When I'm in a relationship and I meet someone of the gender I'm interested in I make sure to casually mention the relationship the second I get a whiff of the person maybe liking me."
Ding ding ding. Absolutely 100% on the money.
It also sounds like she's still fairly naive about male/female interaction in general. Hate to break it to you, LW, but the chances that this barista who doesn't even know your name is actually interested in being your platonic friend? Low.
I think there are definitely ways of establishing platonic friendship without going right for "I'm taken," "I'm not interested" or "I'm gay," but it would seem she's not very adept at them, so I fully agree with you that when she pursues male friendship in the future she should casually but clearly reference a significant other.
LW1 needs to stop flirting. All she's really doing is toying with people and their hopes/emotions, and she's setting them up for a fall. She's doing it just to boost her own ego.
Ego stroking is why we all flirt. And don't kid yourself, we ALL flirt. Commenters are making good points about where/when/how to pull back a bit, though.
1. I only flirt with people for which I am interested. So this whole we all flirt thing is not a 100% given. Especially when some of us have to be careful.
2. I know a shitload of women with "ex-girlfriends" who date men.
Not sold on these two excuses.
1. I misspoke here. I only flirt back when someone else has opened that door to me. But I in no way have ever sought an ego boost as implied above.
LW#2, about this sentence: "But I'm in a bit of a tight spot ...because if I tell and he and his girlfriend break up, there's no reason for him and our roommate to stop hooking up." And why should that matter to you? It sounds like you're more opposed to your guy friend hooking up with this "trite" girl you despise. I agree that it makes for a tense living situation, but back off and find a new apartment.
@ dilemna # 2: If I were the girlfriend, I'd want the roommate to tell me my boyfriend is cheating. I would tell my roommate's girlfriend that my friend is cheating on her. I'd most likely make other living arrangements first.
If my relationship with her is such that I normally call her for other reasons, then the news would merit a phone call. If it's considerably less casual than that, I'd just mention it when she comes over.
That said, I don't want to be friends with someone who'd be so openly deceitful anyway, so what is there to lose? It's the fact that he's screwing someone else; it's that he introduced this other woman to me as being an exclusive partner and has brought her around enough for me to be on friendly, likable terms with her.
If the roommate doesn't tell her, who will? It's a sucky situation but the right thing to do is to tell. I hate this rationale about shit being blown in your face or the messenger getting killed. So what the gf gets mad? She's not his friend anyway but he is responsible to her as a fellow human being whose bf's deception puts her at potential future emotional and health risks. They may not all thank you for telling but they should be grateful.
why does the word roommates in the title of this article have an apostrophe?
@vomitor: the apostrophe is to express the contraction of roommate + is. I'm (I+am) guessing you're (you+are) trying to sound smart. It's (it+is) almost funny.
Wow. Guess you got pwned, vomitor.
LW1, while just about anybody can fall victim to the "flirting with someone who likes me", if you know this is a habit (and I'm not suggesting you stop, it's too damn hard, and it isn't "you"), YOU are going to have make it clear to the part of the human race you're not sexually attracted to. Because simply put, we're kind of idiots. And we enjoy flirting just as much as the next human. But we tend to read a lot more into it. Mainly because we KNOW we're idiots. And when an attractive (not necessarily looks only) person of the part of the human race we're sexually attracted flirts with us, we are simply amazed. "Here is this cool person, who obviously doesn't think I'm a serial killer or someone wearing shirt made out of toads, WOW."
You'll notice I didn't really make anything gender specific or orientation specific. That's because flirting is somewhat serious business. It's a method of communication between humans, about a couple of pretty important things to us, acceptance and attractivity. (I don't think that's a real word, but you get my gist.) So just be aware of what you're saying, make sure parameters are clear, and flirt away. Some of my best flirting experiences have occurred with lesbians. It's fun, a chance to show some wit if you have any, and generally laughter and smiles enter into it.
And who doesn't like laughter and smiles?
Now you say something