Miss Information

LW1, I know Cait said it, but it cannot be emphasized enough: You need serious trauma therapy. If you've already started work, that's great; if not, I would give it serious, serious consideration. Unfortunately, shame, anxiety, and fear don't simply go away because we realize they're irrational. I don't disagree with Cait's advice, but I kind of wish she had given one of her "do you" speeches instead; it really sounds like you could use some time off from the business of looking at yourself through the eyes of men.

Seriously though, Lilo & Stitch is a masterpiece.

Bombshell, your situation happened to the girl I am dating almost verbatim. The difference between me and every other guy was a few specific things that have already been covered.
1. I respected her boundaries and time lines for everything. This includes setting up future dates and actually asking her out the right way.
2. We both had standards we had, and both met each others standards. My favorite quote from her was "Why would anyone want to date someone that is average?"
This says 2 things. She knows she's above average in life/ability/looks/ambition. And she knows I am as well.
3. We connected intellectually and emotionally after the initial physical attraction.
So, you have to accept that guys thing you are hot. So be it. Now just set up some standards. Real men like Cait said, will be just fine. I waited 6 weeks to get my first date, and then she asked that night to be my GF. I knew I was awesome, so I was patient. If a guy knows he's the best thing you'll ever meet, then he will have patience. She calls herself a creeper magnet. Sounds like your problem. Just maintain clear and strong boundaries with people. Your cloud of shame is just that, yours. You can let it go whenever you want. Its not your fault they are average and can't handle themselves. You didn't choose to be good looking.

To GALPAL. I have a few suggestions- "The Game" by Neil Strauss. and "Way of the superior man" by David Deida. Read those, follow whatever they lead you into. There are many forms of social science. Research them all, take what you like, ignore the rest. Apply it and watch the women flock to you.

For Bombshell, try online dating using carefully selected photos. You can focus on talking and getting to know each other first before meeting in person. You'll know he'll be there to meet the girl he likes and wants to date.

LW1, I'm so sorry that you've endured so much harassment in your life. Men can be entitled pigs. Don't blame yourself! I'm pretty, not stunning, and I get catcalled on the street and treated differently at work. My guy friends have disappointed me, too, by assuming that I'll date them. It's exhausting and demoralizing and it leaves me wondering if there are any good ones out there. Hang in there, sister. Don't lower your standards, keep strong. If a guy doesn't respect you, drop him immediately.

I feel LW1's pain and frustrati0n. In my teens and 20s I was pretty, had large breasts, and was also naive and sheltered - a dangerous combination. I ended up in some bad situations with some predatory people. I was never raped, but came very close more than once and was only saved by dumb luck.

I would never presume to know what's best for you, but a few things helped me over time that might help you. First, I stopped blaming myself for other people's bad behavior. Often when something did happen, I beat myself up for "being stupid". This led to a lot of negative self-destructive behavior, which often landed me in even worse situations. Surely you have at least a few people in your life - whether relatives or mentors - who treat you in a respectful way. Look to them as proof that people ARE capable of self-control and decency, and the people who don't offer you these things made an independent choice not to do so. That frees you up from feeling responsible for other people's behavior, and allows you to take responsibility for the only thing you can control - your own reaction.

This focus on my own reaction was probably what got me through my 20s relatively undamaged. I was "fortunate" enough to land a really dangerous job when I was 23, a job that involved high stress levels, an angry population, and the constant threat of attack. When I returned to civilian life two years later, I noticed a subtle but vital change. I wasn't getting cat-called anymore, and men on the street treated me with cautious politeness rather than disrespect. I eventually realized the only change was my body language and demeanor. I was constantly on alert for threats, I was subconsciously sizing everybody up, and I didn't project vulnerability or self-doubt anymore - both huge and potentially deadly liabilities in the work I'd been doing.

I think what is making you afraid, at its root, isn't necessarily your "porn star dimensions" or the resulting cat calls; it's the fact that you were hurt, and you feel vulnerable now. There's NOTHING wrong with this reaction; it's natural when your defenses have been breached so gravely. But it isn't helping you. At the end of the day we're still animals, and people with predatory intentions aren't sizing up your body, but your level of fear and perceived vulnerability. Once you get to the root of your fear, you may find you have the ability to handle the negative attention or even dissuade it. This may involve getting cognitive therapy or counseling to deal with the residual emotional effects of your rape, or training in self defense (Krav Maga is awesome for street attack situations), and maybe even standing up to some of your cat-callers in a safe and controlled public environment. Again, I don't presume to tell you what's best for you, but getting my own fear under control and learning to project quiet strength and capability did WONDERS for me in my day-to-day life.

They both should try Hooksexup dating!!!

Clever writers/advice columns but the comment sections on this entire site make me laugh so I hard I cry.

Great advice and great article! I went into reading Bombshell's article thinking that I'd get an eye-roll and an oh please out of it, but I've gone through a lot of the issues she has, not necessarily because of my body, but because of my low self confidence. I let men take advantage of me and blamed myself. Like you suggested to Bombshell and Gal Pal, I've realized that my standards have been too low and I need to find someone who can live up to my standards and surpass being a boy to be a man. I've recently met and began dating a great guy because I showed a little more confidence and a lot more discretion.

great advice to lw1. higher standards is what you need. you may be called a bitch but for some of us it's literally what we have to do to get men to leave us alone. and yes, men WILL try and take advantage of arrtactive girls, thinking they've done crazy things before, that they want it, or just as a trophy. it's pretty sickening.

LW1:
I feel for ya, girl. A lot of people think that the exceptionally attractive types lead charmed lives, but this is a perfect example of the serious side of suck that can go along with it. It's definitely a major uphill climb to fight against the onslaught of objectification. I'd like to say that there's something you can do (besides living in a burqa) to make it end, but honestly, it's something that just cures itself gradually with age. If you're in your 20s, you might have a good decade to get through.

The good news is that you CAN get through it. Please stop being ashamed at the unfortunate treatment you've received. It's really not your fault that there are so many assholes in the world. You will probably want to talk to a professional about the effect it's had on you so far.

But even if you simply tell yourself, "that guy, what an asshole!" every time you receive a shitty remark, you'll be assigning the blame to the proper party-the asshole-not yourself. Remind yourself that you're a good person who unfortunately has to put up with assholes, and that you're doing THEM a favor by ignoring them instead of, say, pepper-spraying them in the eyeballs.

Even if you choose not to see a therapist, I highly recommend getting into a physical fitness program, especially one that teaches you strength and/or defense. The practice of becoming a more physically powerful individual (even if you never have to "use" it) is a fantastic antidote to the shame that comes from behavior you've experienced so far. It will help you redefine your perception of your body as something besides a sexual object and give you a way to appreciate what your body can do in a way that is timeless- because physical power doesn't have to have anything to do with youth or beauty or sexual allure. It has to do with our humanity at its core.

Note that I didn't give any advice in the "relating to men" department. Well, we're all flawed human beings, and I have a feeling that you're going to continue to notice that 95% of dudes will continue to make their flaws known to you with their established pant-entrance techniques of varying transparency. That's why my advice is to work on developing and appreciating your own capabilities so you can appreciate yourself and not define yourself (positively or negatively) from the reactions of other people.

LW2:

This guy is trying to rely on the inherently-flawed "hang-out" technique that works so poorly because it serves as an expressway to the friend zone. Less confident guys try to pussy their way out of potential rejection by putting themselves in situations where they're just orbiting the opposite sex instead of interacting with them.

Quit "hanging out" with these girls and ask them on a fucking date. They can paint their toenails and watch Seth Rogen movies on DVD with their own girlfriends, they don't need you there. If they say no, well, consider it this way: 95% of girls who say no still think you're a swell guy, and may consider your application at a future date, because you've established romantic potential right off the bat. That will still give you better odds than breaking out of the "hang-out" induced friend zone.

"Frump Ball" will be the name of my next cat.
And possibly my current one.