Miss Information
How can I make myself be more attracted to the guys I know are right for me?
by Cait Robinson
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Dear Miss Information,
I was with my ex for a year, and I really thought we had a future. He became my best friend. This man was the first person to really treat me with respect when it came to relationships; he always did what he could to make me happy, and I found myself doing things to make him happy as well. He was my world.
We're both active-duty military. He broke it off with me while I was deployed, and I was left heartbroken. I still don't understand what happened. His mother has talked to me about the breakup; she thinks he's scared of his feelings and will eventually figure them out.
He's contacted me a few times — when we broke up, he said, "I want to remain friends. I still care a lot about you, and it's not like I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again." I got a few messages since the breakup — things like "hey, how are you?" During one conversation he said it'd be nice to hear from me. I've played it cool and tried my best to not talk with him unless it's necessary, but I don't know what to do. He's still so important to me, and this has been by far the most "mature" breakup I've ever had.
Now, I'm on my way back, and he's picking me up at the airport. He offered — I messaged him and asked him to drop my car off at the airport the morning of my flight, because I didn't want to deal with it. Instead, now he's picking me up, and I'm terrified. How do I approach this? Of course I already have a cute outfit planned (not trying too hard, but I'll be damned if I look like I feel when he sees me for the first time!) and I am going to try my best to be calm, cool, and collected when I see him. I'm just scared I'm going to lose it. He's the love of my life, and I still want to be with him. I know that you can't chase a guy, though. I'm just confused. Any advice?
— Chasing Army
Dear Chasing Army,
Your consolation prize for your boyfriend breaking things off is that you get to define what your immediate post-breakup relationship looks like. You're the one who's heartbroken, so you get to set the boundaries. Congratulations! Mindi here will show you to your car. Thank you for playing "Wheel of Devastation."
Focus here not on what you "should" do, but rather on how stable you feel. He wants to be friends, but it sounds like you're not ready. Put it in terms of a cost-benefit ratio: would hanging out with him cost you more in mental stability/general happiness than it would do you good? It sounds like it. If seeing him is going to make you backslide, politely thank him for the offer to pick you up, but tell him you've made other plans. Then make other plans. If he wants to be your friend now, he'll still want to be your friend a year from now, when seeing him won't hurt you. As long as you "want to be with him" romantically, you can't be his friend. Lingering attraction will only create tension and pain.
Maybe you decide the cost-benefit ratio skews in the other direction, and your joy at seeing him outweighs whatever pain it may cause. If you think that's the case, make sure you don't have any lurking lust or wishful thinking clouding your judgment. Are you fine being his friend? His fully-clothed, punch-on-the-arm, let-me-tell-you-about-the-girls-I-have-crushes-on buddy? If you're honestly in that place, then go forth and rebuild your relationship within these parameters. My guess is, though, that if you've put this much thought into your airport outfit, you're not in this place yet, and that's fine. It will take time.
In short, Chasing Army, your anxiety about seeing him again is a strong signal that you may not be ready to see him again. Trust your gut reaction. You can still be his friend, eventually. Just proceed slowly. See him on your terms and on your time, and the decision should feel much easier.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a female in my early twenties. Since I was a teenager, my love life has followed a reliable pattern. Either I like a guy more than he likes me (he usually has a passing attraction for me, but nothing significant), and so eventually get rejected by him, or I'm pursued by guys I'm not super-attracted to, but who are nevertheless lovely individuals who make great boyfriends.
This is annoying enough, but there's another pattern that gets to me about the men who fall into these two camps. The guys I fall hard for are looking for someone more traditionally "feminine" than I am — someone less outspoken, less overtly sexual, more traditional (family values, monogamy, etc.), and perhaps a little more willing to be controlled than I am. The guys I'm less keen on love my progressive tendencies and my openness about sex, and they're less resistant to me banging on about feminism, etc. But for some reason, I can't seem to return their affections as enthusiastically as I feel I need to to commit to them. And they tend to lack a confidence that the other guys have bucketfuls of.
It feels like I have to choose between being myself and being in a relationship where I really desire someone. And that any relationship I have will always have a power imbalance of some kind or another. I'm not prepared to compromise who I am for a relationship, but I don't want to enter into a relationship in which I can't sustain my commitment to the other person. I'm currently single (although with a casual lover here and there), and I'm happy this way, but I don't want to be single forever. Can you help me break the pattern? Or at least help me understand why it keeps happening?
— History Repeats Itself
Dear History Repeats Itself,
Why do I think you keep falling into this trap? Because you're in your early twenties. (Zing! Another home run, self. I'm gonna use this week's paycheck to get a sweet new face tattoo.)
For what it's worth, I see no obvious red flags in your letter. And, please, for the love of baskets of kittens, don't stop "banging on about feminism" or "being non-traditional" just because you've had limited success with it thus far. At some point you will make some mouthy, kinky anarchist bookstore volunteer's eyes light up, and you'll live happily ever after. Don't lose faith.
In the short term, I wonder what it is about these "traditional" guys that does it for you. You say they have more confidence than their liberal counterparts, but "confidence" is a broad term. Could it be that you're misreading "traditionalism" as "confidence"? Pay attention to the "turn on" signals you're getting from these Mr. Wrongs and see if you can find any common threads. Is it possible that a turn-on (like, for example, him putting his hand on your back to steer you through a door), might actually be more of a red flag (like a sign that he expects to commandeer the relationship)? Apply the same scrutiny to the "eh" signals you get from the great-on-paper guys: maybe a "good" guy won't steer you out of respect for you, which you end up reading as beta-male behavior. Attraction is largely how we interpret actions, so becoming aware of your "likes" and "dislikes" will be a good start.
You're in a phase that most of us go through. Because even though power imbalances are horrible, there's something perversely intoxicating about them, right? A dysfunctional relationship can still be a project, something to obsess over and pick apart. By identifying this pattern, History, you've started to break it. You also know that neither option is sustainable or healthy. Now you'll just get better and better at catching these relationships before they start.
This is the most optimistic advice I can give you: take this crisis you're having — "Is it me? What am I doing wrong?" — and multiply it by nearly everyone in their early twenties. Each of us is a work in progress. Quite possibly, a so-so guy is metamorphosing into a really stellar one at this very minute. Just focus on your own evolution while keeping an open mind, and eventually you will collide with somebody great.
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Commentarium (25 Comments)
I could be history repeats itself, verbatim. Thank you so much. This early twenties thing is super confusing.
Yeah, okay.
@chasing army
This guy broke up with you and didn´t explain why (you seriously had to talk to his MOTHER to get some opinion about that?). Even if it´s true, what his mother said, a guy who won´t commit to to you, but keeps you warm (in Germany we use that term for taking advantage of someone´s feelings to keep him or her close while actually not investing in a real relationship) is not worth any of your time or attention.
Dump him, as a friend, as a lover, as everything. If he really loves you, he´ll be after you. If he´s emotionally to screwed up or just not interested enough in you, it´s up tp you to not give a shit about this guy. Because you don´t need that shit. If you´re a confident woman, you know what you deserve - a hot and cute boy-friend who can´t get enough of you. Don´t invest in anything less.
amen to this
@HRI
there is nothing wrong with submission to someone who you think might be a good partner for you.
You have already said you were attracted to dominant people, I wouldn't throw away a potentially good thing just because you want to have the last word.
I'm in my early twenties too, and have exactly the same problem. Except, I ended up dating a good-on-paper guy long-term. Which is amazing in some ways, but the chemistry could definitely be stronger, and I sometimes wish I had taken longer to make a choice to commit. Don't make my mistake, LW2: have patience and wait for someone who absolutely does it for you, because that will definitely happen. Meanwhile, work on your life, hobbies, friends etc. - all that will come in handy in love matters, too.
History Repeats Itself, how would you define "confidence"? A guy who knows what he wants? Guys in their early 20s who know exactly what they want are the guys who have decided exactly how they want their women, and the strong feminist type who'd like an open relationship isn't it. The ones who are more willing to let you be yourself are the ones who don't have strong feelings in the matter, which means they don't have a solid idea of what they want, therefore not confident, therefore not attractive to you. What you want is the rare guy who wants exactly what you are and would be disappointed if you were more traditional. You're only likely to find guys like that who are older than early 20s, so you may want to consider that possibility. Meanwhile, have fun, and maybe you will find one of those rare young confident guys who are looking for you exactly. The longer you try, the more likely you'll succeed!
JCF, my boyfriend is like that and he's 24. (I do agree he's a rare breed, though!)
Well said JCF. My thoughts exactly. If you are looking for someone who is confident and after someone like you your dating pool shrinks immensely.
Nothing wrong with that you just need to live a social/work life where you can meet lots of people so you can get lots of chances to meet a Mr. Right.
@History Repeats Itself:
I know EXACTLY how you feel—because I am/have been there myself. I've dated guys who I didn't find as attractive (which is, for me, primarily a matter of intelligence) but were super sweet and good to me, and got sick of them. I've also dated guys who were douchebags, which initially manifested itself in all things that made me swoon—helping me with my coat, deciding what we'd do on every date—and only later realized that by relinquishing so much, without them acknowledging what I was giving up, really crushed my spirit.
My boyfriend now is a perfect gentleman AND is probably even more liberal than I am. He's got utter certainty in his convictions—which is what I've always found so attractive—and yet will listen to my thoughts and ideas, fully-formed or not, and respond with respect. He's not a guy I would have jumped on in the street, and yet I love him fully, and feel really attracted to him, because of our dynamic and the little things he does... like watch me unashamedly when I'm getting out of the shower, and reassure me when I need it but not when I don't. And he's not kinky like me, but he's happy to try anything I ask—so I still get to get bossed around in bed. It's fantastic.
The way we got together? I was with someone else, and so was trying really hard NOT to cave to my attraction. I got to know my boyfriend as a person first, and realized how much I liked his humor, his conviction, his intelligence and his respect... and so I told him I was really into him, broke up with my ex, and the rest is history. So on that basis, I'd really, really recommend getting to know a lot of guys.. and then making a move when you see what you like! Dating is a weird, theatrical way to start relationships, and I'm glad I got to avoid it this time.
@History Repeats Itself
I might be one of the guys who falls into your former camp - not because I don't enjoy progressive, sexual, outspoken women - but because I want a girl who's also willing to engage in traditional relationship. Does that make sense? It's a "Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets" thing that I enjoy.
I think that perhaps some of the men you're into mistake your "banging on about feminism" as misandry. I think that you can demand equal treatment without seeing the specter of sexism every single day. If you find yourself railing the show modern family for its traditional gender roles, or spitting angrily when discussing Donald Glover's lyrics, you have to understand that it's not your feminism people find distasteful, it's how it's consumed your life. I love when women demand equal treatment, but if half of our conversations discuss how we live in a "rape culture" then there's no way I'd ever be interested.
I think that your judgement of these dudes - that they need someone submissive or controllable - speaks volumes about how you perceive men in general. If you can only see two types of people in our entire gender, you need to rethink your attitudes as well.
Agreed 100%
Can I just say, I missed an 'of' and read the phrase in that last answer as "For the love of baskets!" Love it. I'm going to have to start using that one. Good advice, excellently written - as usual :)
To History Repeats Itself:
There's a good chance that guys who share your politics have ambivalent feelings about testosterone. They've read about all the messed-up crap that overly aggressive men have done to women, and there's a fair chance they themselves have been bullied (that may be part of how they've developed that progressive empathy for the powerless and vulnerable). It's easy for them to assume that because of your politics, you're not interested in that. It can be harder for them to face some of those same testosterone-fueled drives in themselves, even if they don't channel them in unhealthy or destructive ways.
The other thing about confidence with these guys: they've probably been trained from puberty to think that because they aren't aggressive alpha males, they aren't desirable and can't compete successfully in a culture that prizes those traits. (A self-image your own feelings would seem to reinforce.) Confidence is like the old job/experience conundrum: it takes some success to build confidence, but it usually takes some confidence to have any success in the first place. So they may not think you want them, and you in turn don't feel wanted.
So what do you do if you want that feeling of being aggressively desired by someone you like and trust? It's a mistake to think that if a guy usually behaves one way, he lacks the capacity to behave any other way. Men are not one-dimensional character archetypes. It's often possible to coax that out of him, but you have to be crystal-clear, and you have to be patient.
There's a good chance that nice, progressive guy is treating you respectfully and sweetly because he assumes that's what you want. If you want something different in the bedroom, you've gotta let him know. And don't drop indirect hints ("You know, if you want to spank me a little, that's OK") - OWN it, tell him "I want you to tie me up and have your way with me," or whatever. Maybe he'll take to it right away, or maybe he'll be shy and conflicted about letting that side of himself out (he may not be used to it, and it may take some practice). But generally speaking, nice progressive guys really, really want you to be happy in bed. You just may have to dig a little deeper to get to that point.
Yes. On point.
Good point. I am constantly annoyed by women who complain about their sex lives yet provide their lovers with little actual guidance.
Steve, thanks so much for this comment. I'm a woman married to a man I love a lot, but he is like the guy you described to a T - caring, considerate, but couldn't make a move on me to save his life. Slowly but surely I'm trying to let him know that it's okay for him to initiate, but we're both socialized to be so nice that it's hard for us to express what we really want to each other. Your encouragement was helpful. (In case anyone's wondering, no he's not gay, and I assume he's attracted to me. He's always happy when I initiate.)
@ History
Are we the same person?!!! I have this thought at least 5 times a day, looking back on the last 10 years of my lovelife (i'm 25). I feel you!
Have you ever heard that Drake song "Fall For Your Type" and been like "damn, Drake, you and me are on some same level shit"? Anyway, besides listening to Drake, I read quite a lot. And here are some general truths I've read about attraction. Our parents/primary caregivers draw a blueprint for our future romantic relationships (not in Sharpie, but like, at least a ballpoint pen). Generally speaking, if your parents validate you and treat you well, you will associate love with openness, generosity, mutual respect, etc. Awesome, right? This is idyllic, but somewhat unusual. Regardless of whether our parents are Huxtables or Benders (Breakfast Club, anyone?), they teach us how to love and how to accept love. It sounds like you have a quite confident exterior, but perhaps you aren't unfamiliar with being submissive (because of a parent/caregiver). If your blueprint of love draws you as submissive (even if it's just a little bit!) it makes sense that you'll be drawn to men who are confident. On the flipside, we as human beings are INCREDIBLY uncomfortable with love that does not fit the blueprint we got from our parents. I'm assuming that you are generally treated well by the nice-progressive-but-boring men. Is it possible that your blueprint does not have "kindness, consideration, respect" in it? Is it possible that neediness is in there? It's important that we own up to our core beliefs about love. If you can say to yourself "I deserve a partner who treats me with respect, love, and kindness," awesome, but if not, you might be bored with these men because your blueprint is not being realized. Further, these men are drawn to you for the same reasons. Their blueprints are probably pointing them to strong, but perhaps noncommital, women. If you're sick of this blueprint metaphor, call it signals, psyches, unconscious minds, whatever--you will continue to follow this pattern until you change that blueprint. And that means examining your own feelings of self-worth and attraction.
Or maybe I'm way off and you just need to shake up your social life. Try an activist group!
@History Repeats Itself:
My advice? Head down to Occupy and try to meet some dudes. All my best guy friends, the ones I would heartily recommend to any female, I met at Occupy this past fall. Sweet, funny, smart, adorable dudes, who would certainly be far enough to the left for any feminist.
HRI - nobody else here has come right out and said it this way, so allow me (a late thirties woman who used to be just like you) to make a blunt suggestion. It is possible that while you are a strong, independant feminist INTELLECTUALLY, you are submissive SEXUALLY. These two things may seem at odds but they are not. Many strong people get off on power imbalance in the bedroom, perhaps as a way to let go of responsibility for a while or for many other reasons, really. You may want to explore this in the context of a relationship, or you may be more comfortable just approaching it as a purely sexual thing. Give it some thought. And as the others have mentioned, make your desires clear to your partners! If you front really tough they may not be able to figure you out without a little help. Good luck.
History Repeats Itself,
Do you live in LA by any chance? If so, I hope I run into you, because you sound like the exact type of girl I want to be with! I'm a strong liberal, pro-feminist male who holds doors open for women, and generally likes being sweet and romantic; however, sexually, I'm very dominant. I've seriously been going through the exact situation as you, and it's comforting to know that there's some one out there who's looking for the same thing.
HRI: I think the key word in your letter is "power", because that's what this is really about. You're turned on by the idea of being overtly dominated by a confident, reactionary dude. Now, that's someone with whom real intimacy is probably impossible for you, since the idea of being "controlled" by someone who doesn't want you to be "outspoken" or "overtly sexual" doesn't sound compatible, long-term, with who you are.
But that way, you get the sexual thrill of power exchange, but there's nothing at risk -- you don't have to worry about really loving and opening up to this person, or getting hurt. And if anything goes wrong, it's not like it's hard to view a controlling, anti-feminist type with contempt; infatuations are easy to forsake.
There are plenty of confident guys with lefty beliefs out there, and plenty of controlling ones for that matter. Maybe instead of viewing this in political terms, you should consider asking yourself what's really going on. A lot of (straight) people spend their adult lives searching for a romantic partner who resembles their opposite-sex parent, sometimes in really subtle ways. You seem to define yourself partly in terms of your feminist/progressive beliefs; maybe your father was a controlling, reactionary type. Or maybe he wasn't, but I dunno...something about your letter raises the "mommy/daddy issues" red flag for me. (But then, I tend to look askance at people who get off on power imbalances, and I make no apologies for that.)
Just to be clear, I'm not saying any of this to be unkind. You seem like a thoughtful person, but I think there's more going on here than meets the eye, and I don't think finding a liberal dom will turn out to be the answer. (But if it does, great!)
Hi everyone,
I'm LW2, aka History. I've really enjoyed reading everyone's comments, and especially Cait's response. It's been great hearing everyone's perspectives, I've considered a lot of them before - the Daddy Issues notion particularly, but I have a great relationship with my Dad, so nothing there (although having that as a simple answer would be awesome). And to those of you who suggested I explore my sexually submissive side - you're right, I am quite the bottom in the bedroom, but I think my love of the confident man is as intellectual/emotional as it coital. What's been most valuable here is just hearing other people who have experienced (or are currently experiencing, by the sounds of things!) this same set of confusions and that this was something they moved past when they met the right person. So it sounds like a bit of a waiting game (and like I need to explore my left-leaning activist groups - anyone know any good ones in London, UK?), but hey - I have lots of feminism and awesomeness to get on with first, so that's ok with me :)
Best,
History
This letter is fake, she's not military. You get off the plane in uniform. The only people that don't are SF or high ranking officers. Shes a girl therefore not SF. Also even if you were to fly into a civilian airport (unlikely unless it's RR, but it seams like that something she would have mentioned) you would be herded onto buses, straight back to your post and released from there after a safety briefing.
Now you say something