I gave my girlfriend a dildo shaped exactly like me and the results were not good.
By Sarah Jaffe
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Dear Miss Information,
I would like to start off by saying I have a great partner! We talk about anything and everything. However, there have been some new problems of late that seem to get dismissed. The possible problems really haven't been all a big deal until we moved in together.
Firstly, she completely dislikes being fingered. However, the few times I've tried it with a vibe she has climaxed, but was very self-conscious afterwards. Now she does not tolerate anything, even if I’m just rubbing her clit. She just wants sex. This is a problem since I thoroughly enjoy getting her to the heights of pleasure, and she previously enjoyed it multiple times.
When we first started dating, she expressed her dislike of receiving oral due to having bad experiences from others in the past. After time went on we talked about it and she decided we could try together. It was slow going at first, but I learned what she specifically likes and helped her achieve climax. This happened a couple dozen times but now she cannot stand to have it done.
She has stated recently that she can only get off with sex or her vibrator. So, for her birthday, I got her a Hitachi since her vibe was a decade old, and on its deathbed, and I also took the initiative to pick up a dildo with the same measurements as myself. I figured this would be a fun new kind of foreplay, or could at least give her some options for when I'm out of town for conferences. She loves the vibe and I’m ecstatic for her! We tried the dildo, and she hates it. She informed me that she cannot stand for anything to be inserted into her vagina. I have to admit, I was a bit taken aback by this, but I wasn't upset. For me, it doesn't make sense. If she can climax from a penis, and wants it multiple times daily; why not a dildo, vibe, beads, or anything else?
Are these things normal? It just feels like our relationship is lacking a bit in the sex department given there's no foreplay besides light kissing and nibbling. Do you have any advice or suggestions for approaching these topics, or any guesses as to the cause?
Dear Worried Partner,
It sounds like your girlfriend might have a few hangups about sex. She doesn’t like anything other than a penis in her vagina, and gets really self-conscious about getting off with the help of your fingers or mouth. Was she raised by really conservative parents, perhaps? A lot of women who grew up thinking sex should be a shameful affair shut down and get awkward about anything other than “the ultimate” (Wet Hot American Summer, anyone?), even if they identify as sex-positive.
Another option is that she’s simply overwhelmed. You sound like an effusive and enthusiastic sex partner, which is great, but to be honest, your letter overwhelmed me a little. It’s great that you want to get her off, but sometimes being ultra-focused on your partner’s orgasms can be a little overbearing.
I don’t want you to be one of those guys for whom selflessness in bed is a different kind of selfishness, where you judge your own prowess as a lover by whether or not your partner can get off in the ways you’re thinking she ought to be able to, or the ways that get you off. If the lady wants penetrative sex only right now, give her penetrative sex and give it to her good!
I’m not surprised she hated a dildo shaped exactly like your dick. Sometimes toys are a great way to get your solo sexytime on, and you don’t want your partner to have anything to do with it. But you made yourself part of it by basically giving her Boyfriend Jr. to play with. Right after you moved in together, and became a huge, fixed part of the rest of her life. Chill out. Back off a bit. Your laserlike focus on pleasing her might be backfiring. I’d imagine that a partner who is chomping at the bit to chomp on your ladybits could be a bit intimidating if you’re a girl who isn’t wholly comfortable with receiving oral sex. And since you’re so keen to get her off, you’re unintentionally putting a lot of pressure on her to have screaming orgasms and to have them quickly and easily.
Take the pressure off. Folllow her cues. Ask her (in a non-sexy moment, say while you’re folding laundry together) about her fantasies, what gets her off most. And don’t bring your own desires into it. Just listen. She already knows what you want, buddy. If you talk about anything and everything, as you say, then she’ll tell you when she’s ready to try something outside her current comfort zone. And until she gets there, take comfort on the fact that perfect foreplay or not, you guys are still getting it on multiple times a day.
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