Miss Information
Birth control has wrecked my girlfriend's sex drive. What can we do?
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Info,
I have a wonderful girlfriend. I have never met anyone I'm as compatible with, on so many levels. Unfortunately, sex has been somewhat difficult for us. My girlfriend is on the ring. She takes it mostly due to menstrual issues. Without it, she has almost unbearable problems during her cycle.
It seems, however, that her birth control may be negatively affecting her sex drive, and giving her pain during sex as well. She gets rubbed raw during sex very easily, and we have to stop. There are many positions that cause her pain, limiting the variety we can play with. I am always being cautious not to move in a way that could hurt her. In general, she has a low sex drive, which I probably would have too if sex was painful for me (though that can also be a side effect of birth control even without pain). It comes and goes. As time goes by, we are having sex less and less often. It's been about twice a month as of late.
She's gone to doctors. They've given her a steroid cream and a numbing cream; neither worked. They tried changing her prescription from the ring to the pill, but she won't change her birth control because she doesn't want to deal with having to remember to take the pill every day. She can't go off birth control to see if it makes a difference due to her menstrual issues.
Help! I love my girlfriend. I also love sex. I'd also love my partner to want and enjoy sex. I want sex to be a gift I give my partner, not something that will potentially hurt her. Her doctors (she's gone to two) haven't been able to offer much. I've suggested there might be other birth-control options, but so far she hasn't put a lot into exploring them. Maybe there is a way to help with her menstrual issues besides birth control? Maybe there is a real expert doctor out there who specializes in this type of case? Whatever you can offer would be very appreciated.
— Birth Controlled
Dear Birth Controlled,
I really appreciate your tone. You're trying to support without jumping to intervene, which is a tricky line to toe. First, though, I need to point out birth control is territory for a medical professional. I have a Liberal Arts degree and an inability to keep a houseplant alive. Thus, I'm a poor substitute. The good news is that I'm better with women's health than I am with remembering to water things. The bad news is that "a girl on the Internet told me..." won't get you far with a pharmacist.
As you surmised, it sounds like she's not seeing the right doctors. If it's having this much of a negative effect on her life, then her birth control is definitely not working. While "don't effing touch me, I feel terrible" is a form of birth control, it's less than ideal. I recommend she (and you, if she wants research help) invest some time into finding a provider — an M.D., nurse practitioner, or physician's assistant, all of whom can do birth-control counseling and write prescriptions — with a specific women's-health background and a sex-positive attitude. Weirdly enough, you can find pretty good patient reviews of providers on Yelp.com. Planned Parenthood is also a tremendous resource: they handle birth-control counseling day-in and day-out, and usually have a staff of supportive and sex-positive counselors. Do your research, find someone she loves, and you may find it's a total game-changer.
You didn't say much about her health situation, but it may be worth looking into the patch or Mirena, the hormonal IUD. Both are low-maintenance, and the IUD is basically no-maintenance. And — just checking — you're using copious amounts of good, high-quality, hypoallergenic lube, right?
Ultimately, this is your girlfriend's issue, and she should be taking an active role in it. It concerns me a little that you're having to write in on her behalf, and that she's taking kind of an "eh, whatever" approach to switching her method. It can be overwhelming, for sure, but if she's going to feel better, she has to work on it herself, and that means doing the work of finding a good doctor. The world of birth-control options is much bigger than "the pill" and "the ring," and you both deserve to have someone who'll walk you through it.
Dear Miss Info,
I just met someone whom I'm really attracted to and have a nice intellectual banter with, but on a couple of occasions I've felt condescended to. ("Oh, that's what you did in that job interview? Here's what I would have done.") Also, he refers to women as "bitches" quite freely, a word that flies for some people, but certainly not for feminist me.
As someone who's normally quite skittish when it comes to dating, what should I make of these early nagging feelings? A friend once told me that the seeds of a relationship's demise are planted at the beginning, meaning that you almost always know what makes you incompatible right from the start. Some people choose to power through and others give up.
Am I being unrealistic with my hyper-vigilance? Or should I take heed of what feel like early incompatibilities?
— Uncertain
Dear Uncertain,
Oh, you don't like the word "bitch?" That's weird, because it's how I refer to every woman in my life. "Hey bitch, I'm at the grocery store. Should I pick up more paper towels?" "Bitch, I'll have a medium iced coffee with a splash of half and half, please. By the way, I love your shirt!" "Hi bitch, thanks for giving me life. I love you. Happy Mother's Day." Bitches, amirite? High five!
Here's the thing. If you were turned off because he incorrectly uses the word "literally," that'd be nitpicking. If you didn't call him back because he wears socks and sandals, that'd be harsh. But throwing around slurs and putting you down isn't just some quirk; it speaks to a much deeper disrespect. He's subtly undermining you, and just because you recognize it doesn't mean it won't get to you. No one should have to put up with that.
You're also writing in because you have serious misgivings about this guy. So let me bolster you: you're totally right. Your gut reaction is trying to tell you something, and you should listen. This may be what your friend meant with his "seeds of destruction" theory: if you ignore an instinct and proceed anyway, that's when it will bite you in the ass.
Commentarium (69 Comments)
If uncertain is a "feminist", and doesn't like what this guy is doing, someone who if I had to deal with them like that,I'd have no problem telling them to go fuck themselves,then why is she with him? This is why I don't take feminists seriously and am not one. Note: That does not mean I am a sexist or against equality and the like, I just find alot of "feminism" to be ALOT of bullshit....
I feel that you're generalizing feminists just a teensy bit.
All feminism means is that you are for equality and against sexism. If you are both those things, you are a feminist. Judging from your tone though, I would say you are neither. So no, you're not a feminist. But if you're going to degrade feminists, you don't get to say "that does not mean I am a sexist or against inequality and the like."
Do you hear yourself when you talk, man? Being a feminist doesn't mean you automatically tell people to fuck off. Feminists are still people. Dating is still a minefield.
for someone who seems to know so much about feminism, you can't spell " a lot" for shit.
Oh, haven't all of you gotten used to FuckYou's recent foray into leaving contrary comments on basically every single Hooksexup article? He's an idiot and a douche, and should probably mosey on over to Fox to be with his own people. Both he and the rest of the internet will be better for it.
@LM I've never found feminists to be for equality. It's usually women first.
They're called "trolls," hkc. And yes, people should just stop responding to him.
So for example, women make 79 cents to a man's $1 for the same work and productivity (if they are lucky). So when feminists ask for a 22 cents raise when the man gets a 1 cent raise for a job well done (which the women have also been doing, equally), to be equal, you think it's because it's cause they're after women being first. No, buddy, it's because we're after equality, you just choose to disregard history and reality, generally speaking.
Solving difference in pay for women is women first. Since there are plenty of inequalities feminists don't concern themselves with.
1) Shorter lifespan for men.
2) High rate of incarceration for men.
3) High rate of homelessness for men.
4) Lower graduation rates for men.
5) Lower test scores for men.
5) Higher unemployment for men.
Men and women have different set of problems, feminists usually concentrate on women's issues.
Incorrect. All of these problems are based on gender inequalities that feminists work to eliminate. High incarceration rate for men, for example, stems somewhat from the rhetoric of violence that surrounds our cultures ideas of "manhood," and partly from the assumptions about men that stem from that rhetoric. Both of these things are issues that feminists care about and work to get rid of.
We live in a hyper-competitive market. If women were willing to do the exact same job for 20% cheaper, it follows that an easy way for a business to cut costs would be to fire men and hire more women. That 79 cent figure that gets thrown around everywhere isn't for the same work, it's just an unadjusted Census Bureau statistic for average take-home pay for full-time working women vs full-time working men.
Well, even female nurses make less than male nurses (92 cents to $1) and it's because of pure discrimination, and not because as you so unfairly suggest, because the female nurses like it that way. Also, it's not unadjusted. Economists who surely know how to count and compare apples to apples (and not apples to oranges, as you, again, unfairly suggest) came up with these figures.
Dear Logic,
If you had done the logical thing and actually looked into what you're claiming, you would notice things such as this: By looking at a very specific and detailed sample of workers – graduates of the Michigan Law School – economists Robert Wood, Mary Corcoran and Paul Courant were able to examine the wage gap while matching men and women for many other possible explanatory factors - not only occupation, age, experience, education, and time in the workforce, but also childcare, average hours worked, grades while in college, and other factors. Even after accounting for all that, women still are paid only 81.5% of what men “with similar demographic characteristics, family situations, work hours, and work experience” are paid
The entire first paragraph in Cait's response to Uncertain is the best. That said, run away, Uncertain. My ex loved to call women sluts for whatever reason, and I never became okay with it. If it bothers you now, it will probably bother you later and may be compounded by other intolerable traits.
Agreed, and the longer she stays in the relationship, the harder it will be to leave!
agreed! though it wouldn't hurt to talk to him about how it bothers her. they'll probably still break up, but it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to know that his word choice is an issue.
Uncertain is an idiot. If the guy doesn't treat her with respect now, when he's trying to get into her pants, he's going to totally degrade her after he starts fucking her. What he's doing now is just testing the waters. People who ignore the bleeding obvious deserve what they get.
Oh, but she's NOT ignoring the "bleeding obvious"--she's listening to her hesitations, treading lightly, and asking for advice. That certainly doesn't make her an "idiot."
I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like lw1's girlfriend may be experiencing vaginal atrophy from combination hormonal birth control, which is a thinning and irritation of the lining of the vagina. Usually a topical estrogen cream is prescribed for it, as well as looking into other methods of birth control. I'll second Cait's advice on the 5 year IUD- it doesn't have the side effects of the combination pill/ ring and it also helps with menstrual issues. The thing is, your girlfriend has to actually want to deal with the issue, so hopefully her lack of participation just stems from frustration at what appears to be a lack of options and she gets some motivation once she finds that there are.
Also, you could put a little less pressure on both of you to have intercourse every time, and just exchange oral sex or do some mutual masturbation, etc, so you'd both be getting fun and rewarding sexual activity more often without her dreading the pain that seems to come with penetrative sex, causing her to avoid sexual situations altogether.
Agreed! I also experience a lot of pain during intercourse, there are so many other ways to satisfy yourself and your partner without penetration. For a long time the pain I experienced caused us to have no sexual relationship whatsoever, but now that we've found alternatives to only having penetration, we are both much more satisfied.
I'm on the pill, but since Day 1 of having sex (6 months before I started the pill) I've experienced pain from intercourse. Sex for me usually results in spotting, unless we take it very gently. Yes, I went to the doctor, and she said everything looked perfectly normal. Vaginal childbirth helped a bit, but not enough.
Finally I decided enough was enough. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I do not owe him use of my vagina! I told him in no uncertain terms is he even to touch it without asking express permission each and every time. I can't tell you what a difference it's made. I'm no longer moody or apprehensive about sex. In fact, I look forward to it and enjoy it, because sex does not equal intercourse, and orgasms do not equal penetration.
as a guy who has been in the kind of relationship you're discussing, sometimes when people say "sex drive" they mean more than just intercourse. the girlfriend in question might have a lowered sex drive, including a decreased desire to masturbate in comparison to her life before birth control. mine certainly did, and our sex life went from intercourse with manual and oral to masturbation, for just me. not especially more satisfying than being alone.
My friend was on the ring and had similar issues to Birth Controlled. She tells me over and over how her libido all but died while on it and how it took 6 months for it to come back. I can relate bcause I was on the ring too, but I wasn't partnered, so I can say that while my libido seemed to slow down a lot, I didn't have anyone to test that theory on. However, I did end up having an allergic reaction/sensitivity to it, with my skin becoming very itchy all over. I'd highly recommend she look into another option than the ring. It would help them BOTH out quite a bit.
I used the ring for several years it was great, except during sex. Caused chafing and pain internally. Solution? very simple, take it out for sex and put it back in after. It is ok to have it out for about an hour a day my doctor confirmed.
Birth controlled: I was in a very similar situation where years of a seven year relationship were adversely effected by the wrong birth control. What was not addressed by Miss Information is your girlfriend's vaguely hostile apathy to changing birth control or the simple fact of your differing sex drives. Reading between the lines, my gut instinct is that she uses the birth control issue as a convenient out for the fact that she's not as interested in sex as you. Taking a pill every day really isn't that hard, nor is seeking alternatives for a method that doesn't work for her. You also don't mention what her menstrual issues are, which sort of implies that it's another out for her. Sex is important in a relationship and sexual compatibility is essential, so I don't actually know if or how this is going to work out. Good luck.
Have to say, I was thinking the same thing...
It does sound like she doesn't have an investment in working towards a compatible sex life...which means she doesn't have an investment in him
The Mirena iud is totally worth it, if you can stand the excruciating pain of having it placed. Especially if you are childless like myself. But it solved all of my emotional and menstrual issues that had not been helped on iota with combo pills nor the ring. Dumped the extra estrogen, got my life back.
I had no pain at all during IUD placement, and I am also childless. Different people I have talked to have had different levels of discomfort, depending on how sensitive their cervixes are. I wouldn't rule it out because of worrying about the placement. It is an excellent form of birth control that has an extremely low failure rate.
Yeah, I just got Mirena a couple days ago, and I was told the pain level when it's being placed varies quite a bit; some women don't even feel it. Personally, there was a minute for me where it was extremely unpleasant, but I've never had a problem with cramps. I'm guessing a girl that's used to them would have no problem dealing with it for 60 seconds or so. Anyway, I hope people aren't scared off!
I LOVE mine- I was scared, but for me the insertion pain was just like bad cramps. Having been a slave to the pill for the last five years, going off hormones (mostly) has made me feel like a new person.
i am happy you all had less painful experiences than myself!! that is good to know. i still highly recommend getting one and would absolutely do it again.
There are such things as lubricated condoms--it doesn't all have to be on the female.
Read the letter. The "birth control" is mostly about controlling her menstrual issues.
I applaud you on your response to BC, Cait; almost a complete about face compared to your resply to a similar query towards to beginning of the year. Males can be a little ham fisted when trying to help with a woman's sexual health, even if they mean well. BC, however, appears to have approached the issue with tact and sensitivity. The two of them are in an unfortunate situation, but it seems like he's going to 'be there' to help her. We can only hope that they can find a solution that works for them.
Uncertain, on the other hand, has certainly picked him. It sounds like her new beau has a inferiority/superiority complex towards women; a text book narcissistic misogynist. Much as she might like the conversation, this may be a phone number to conveniently lose, sooner rather than later.
@ Drop Dead Fred: Thanks! I appreciate the applause. I actually see a fair number of differences between the first letter you refer to (which drew a lot of fire) and this one, though. What I like about "Birth Controlled"'s letter is that he a) treated it as a "we" problem, not a "she" problem; and b) recognized the limits and variation of seeking medical advice. Hormones are really, really tricky business. When women's health is concerned, I find that a lot of the rhetoric skews toward "let's medicate it!", rather than the much more balanced/healthy "let's figure out what's going on."
But I'm with you: I think he's got the right tone, and one I wish more people had, regardless of gender. Bodies are weird and often scary; if you plan to interact with one, be open-minded and compassionate.
@Cait - I see your responses to be consistent with each other and wanted to say that one day I hope to manage to sound as open-minded and compassionate as you.
Signed,
A fan.
Birth Controlled, definitely try different kinds of lube. If you're willing to go to a sex shop, they can recommend something. In normal pharmacies/stores, Astroglide is pretty good.
For Uncertain, realize that guys like solving problems, and may not realize that when you've had a bad day, you're looking for support, not an analysis of everything you did wrong. If he goes that way, interrupt and try to steer him back. The "Bitch" thing, though, has to go. Tell him you don't like that word and ask him not to use it around you. He'll either fix the problem, or you'll have a good excuse to dump him.
Cait, I really enjoyed your nuanced responses. Compassionate, funny, useful. Great work.
I had a situation similar to Birth Controlled's girlfriend's. I used pretty much every hormonal birth control over 10 years trying to find one that controlled my horrible periods and didn't cause terrible side effects. I never did find one, but I did find a naturopathic doctor who helped me regulate my period through sleep, diet, and weirdest of all, light exposure. When I follow her recommendations, I have regular, painless periods and I use ParaGard (the copper T IUD) for birth control. This probably won't be the exact solution in your case, but if you're going to spend energy looking things up and trying new doctors, it is definitely worthwhile to look into ALL the options- MD, DO, naturopathic doctors, and lifestyle.
Big high five, Different Take! Naturopaths and DOs are fantastic, as are acupuncturists, massage therapists, sage-burners... I laugh about my hippie streak, but I also embrace it. (Yeah, yeah, I own Birkenstocks and didn't shower today.) Thanks for championing the alt route.
Thanks for the post and response, Cait! Things have progressed. My gf is exploring other options. I think a big issue was that she had pain for so long that she just accepted it. I was able to encourage her that she deserved to enjoy sex, and if there is a solution, it's worth exploring. Now she has an appointment with an endocrinologist so she can directly address her questions about hormones. She's also looking into non-hormonal birth control (any feedback out there on Saheli?) As far as non-penetrative sex, for those who addressed that, I've talked many times about how we can masturbate together, do oral only, etc, but that doesn't do it for her; despite the challenges, she predominantly wants intercourse. Right now, the biggest problem is that she is reading a horror show of side effects from people online about going off of the ring. Bottom line, she is more motivated, and looking to find a doctor who really knows what she is talking about, and who can guide her properly on transitioning her birth control methods. Oh, and we've become quite the lube experts too, btw, but they don't help that much, which is why we're looking into other solutions.
love the ring! been using it for 7 years. never had it affect my sex drive, but i can see where that would be possible...as far as the pain during sex thing due to the nuvaring... if old girl (or her boyfriend for that matter) was really interested in fixing her problem she/he might have actually read the info that comes with the ring--you can remove the thing for up to three hours with no reduction in the pregnancy prevention efficacy.
Birth Controlled: How long have you been together? If it's long enough for the spark to wear off, good luck getting her to change. I say that as a woman who's been in your gf's situation. It'll probably take the high, feel-good rush of hormones of a new potential romance to get her to the doctor (yes, everybody is different, but I'm not sure you should stake your happiness on a very slim chance that she'll come around on her own). Just my $0.02.
@Birth Controlled
I had this issue for a long time. Specialist definitely made a difference. Physical therapy, oddly enough, also made a big difference. But eventually we decided I just needed to be off the birth control, which made the biggest difference of all. Since I don't have deal-breaker menstrual issues, this worked for me, but isn't a solution for your girlfriend. One thing that in retrospect I really wish I hadn't neglected: there are some potentially significant pyschological impacts that can be building up for both of you. You may want to consider talking to a therapist (with or without girlfriend) about how all this stuff is affecting you. (Of course, you want sex. Of course, you don't want to hurt your girlfriend. Hard stuff to deal with.) Good luck!
I went through the same issue as Birth Controlled's girlfriend, and I think that it needs to be noted to all those who are accusing her of basically being lazy about the issue need to know that this problem affects A LOT more than just your sex drive. It's taken me over six months of no birth control to get my whole self back. I had short term memory loss, had a hard time wanting to get out of bed in the morning, and just generally didn't care about anything. With all of that, plus just the emotional hurt that goes along with not feeling like you can satisfy your partner, you're dealing with a lot more than simply not wanting to have sex. So kudos to you, boyfriend, for being so supportive through this time for her. Keep it up, and when she's back to normal, the wait will have been worth it.
Thanks, @slaidnus and others. We've been together for over a year now, so the spark has worn off, so to speak. As I commented above, however, she has been much more motivated, and is researching options. I do think that it affects her in more ways than pain and low sex drive. She is often tired and I think it may be affecting her emotionally too. Hard to tell because she's been on it the whole time we've been together. I'm a fan of alternative healthcare, and we're looking into those things as well. We've tried taking out the ring, and no difference, btw @burnbabylon; and we're very interested in fixing this problem, and have read the material on the ring. She's considering going off the birth control, and maybe there are alternative solutions that can help with her periods. It's good to know there are others out there who identify and have been through the same thing.
One thing that I was encouraged to do was get my hormone levels tested; birth control can affect a woman's testosterone levels (sounds weird, I know), and can cause them to go through the same motions as an older man who needs Viagra. If that's the case for her, there are a lot of different therapies and treatments to help get these levels back to normal.
Also, it's not recommended to be on birth control for over five years so if she has been, she should definitely look into other ways to curb that awful period.
I'd been with my boyfriend over three years when this started happening, we're rounding up on four now and working through it, luckily you seem to be as patient as he has been with me.
She just set up an appointment with an endocrinologist They were confused at first, since they specialize in fertility, but she said she wants her hormone levels tested, so they told her to come in for that. Great to know that there are options for that. Very interesting about 5 years. She has been on it for, I think, 8!
Re: Birth Controlled
I just saw 4 years of my life right in this question. I went through this horrible situation three times (all with the same ex-boyfriend). When I first had my Implanon inserted (in my arm), I was bleeding all the time (like for month straight!) so my doc started me on pill as well to gain control my bleeding. Double-hormones = I FUCKING DON'T WANT SEX! Then we fixed that and I was just on my Implanon, but I would have painful sex with spotting. Made me dread the act. Then I had the Implanon removed and returned to the pill, but after sex I would feel like I was had extreme irritation and discomfort. So very problematic sex life but the biggest problem was: HE TOOK IT PERSONALLY. Our paltry sex life (once or twice a month) at the end of our relationship took a big toll on his self-esteem and he began to speculate that I was no longer interested because I was cheating on him. That certainly makes the sex toxic.
Letter writer, you are wonderful. Thanks for becoming part of the solution and not part of the problem.
People who really like sex don't wait around for years to figure out how to fix something that isn't working. If you really like sex and your partner really hates sex you might as well call it a day now. Or you can live like that for 5 or 10 or 20 years and then when you are completely frustrated and bitter you can leave.
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