Miss Information
My boyfriend cheated and I took him back. How can I get over my jealousy?
Gustavo Minas
By Cait Robinson
Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content, and clarity.
Dear Miss Info,
I am a twenty-five-year-old female and I recently moved in with my boyfriend. We've been together for three years now and I love him very much. He's my first boyfriend and very important to me.
About two years ago I caught him making out with a girl, and ever since I've been extremely jealous. When that happened, we broke up; I eventually took him back because he was very sorry and really tried to convince me that things would be different. He has been very supportive and faithful ever since, even when I do something psycho-jealous like demanding prior authorization before he sees any female friends (oops — I am a bit controlling), etc.
I didn't use to be like this, and I really don't like it. I thought that with time things would get back to normal. Although things have improved, I have become bitter and can't help being mean to him sometimes. I always have the feeling that he "owes" me for something and that he doesn't value me and all the things that I've done for the relationship. As you can imagine, this makes him angry and very frustrated, and then I get angry too and all hell breaks loose. (We're Latin by the way, so on top of everything, we are really dramatic and there have been epic fights.)
Big issue number two: his crazy exes beg him to go back to them. Yes — exes, plural. For a while, both were calling constantly. One finally stopped, but the other continues. Although he only answers the calls to tell her to stop calling, I can't help but suspect that he still has feelings for her (although he swears he doesn't), or that he's hiding something from me. I can't get her out of my head. I think all of this is really messing with my mind, because I know that I shouldn't be so suspicious all the time and that it has bad consequences for the relationship, but I can't help it. I really want to improve things, but I don't know what to do with all this baggage and bad vibes.
— Jealous Mess
Dear Jealous Mess,
In many cases, "crazy" exes are created, not born. It looks like you're on track to be the next one.
First of all, I don't care if you're Latin, Martian, or Flame-Monster: don't be so quick to explain away this "fiery temper." There is no excuse to be having constant screaming matches with a partner. If you're screaming, you're not listening, and if you're not listening, nothing gets accomplished. And being "a bit controlling" isn't exactly an "oops" kind of deal. (It's not like you tripped on the sidewalk and went down crowing, "You can't see any other girls ever!") You can stop being mean to him. And you have to, because nobody needs a partner who lashes out.
But this isn't just you: it takes two to get into a screaming match. I have very little to go on about his behavior, but this whole situation seems pretty toxic. It's hijacking your thoughts and making you unable to vouch for your own behavior, and no relationship is worth that.
A break-up is a big deal and it should come from internal certainty, not from some mouthy broad on the internet. But you should get out while you still can tell which way is up, while you still have your wits about you, and while you still have the emotional resources to work on your own issues. Don't stick around to be the next ex he dismisses as "crazy" as he silences his phone.
Dear Miss Information,
I'm a nineteen-year-old girl midway through my sophomore year of college. I have a really hard time admitting this, because I make a point of being resolutely not boy-crazy, but the truth is that I really, really want a boyfriend. I didn't date much in high school, and I've barely even kissed a boy. I feel like I'm missing out on necessary social skills and that, if I don't get certain things out of the way now (certain sexual skills, long-term relationship experience), I'll be seen as freakish later in life, when I'm the hot twenty-something taking the world by storm. The thing is, I go to a tiny art school, and girls outnumber boys at an insane proportion — and straight boys? Without egos? Forget it. I tried hooking up here and there and got nowhere. It wasn't fun for me and I want to swear off. But I can't possibly handle three more years of loneliness and mounting anxiety. What's a girl to do?
— Blue Period
Dear Blue Period,
Isn't there a cliché along the lines of "the harder you grasp for something, the more it slips away?" There probably is, and here I am grasping for it, and failing. So meta it hurts! Regardless of the packaging, the point holds: just stop trying.
Let me put it this way. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who clearly had an endgame? Like ten minutes in: "Have you heard the truth about Jesus Christ?" or "Come to my stand-up comedy show!" The worst, right? Dating is somewhat the same. If you're desperate for a relationship, any relationship, people can read that on you, and you might as well be wearing a sandwich board that says "Ask me about the banal things I've done for Greenpeace!" (I was once followed for ten blocks by a monologuing Greenpeace employee. That was my problem, not yours.) You need to know at the core of your being that you're fine as a single girl. And you are. There is no graduation requirement for sexual prowess or relationship skills, and years spent in a relationship make you no more a "whole" person than years of dating casually or staying single do. If a relationship happens for you, great! But if not, work on laying the groundwork for that hot twenty-something who's going to take the world.
Personal and sexual development are totally individual, totally non-linear things. Unlike with almost anything else in the world, there's no way to measure achievement. It's not like you collect coins and then advance to the next level (thank God). You're on your own on this one, and that can either be terrifying or empowering. Consider it empowering. In the absence of worthwhile suitors, use this time to ground yourself and your value sets, make friends who regularly blow your mind, and embrace new experiences and challenges. These are the things that will serve you for the rest of your life; on that list, your ability to give a totally rightous blowjob doesn't even rank.
Commentarium (45 Comments)
I love your advice to the second question. It's all about grounding yourself first.
I hate the advice to the second question. If the odds are stacked against her so resolutely, a relationship isn't going to fall into her lap. And to tell someone who wants a relationship that she's not right about what she wants is ridiculous and insulting. She asked the question: I want a relationship, but they're hard to find; what can I do? The advice she received answered none of that. It was incredibly condescending to top it off.
Dear Blue Period: get off campus, try dating sites, don't let anyone preach at you about the benefits of being single when you ask for advice on how to get into a relationship.
Totally agree with nope. Terrible non-answer to the question.
But what if you're a 25 year old in that 19 year old's position- only had sex a handful of time (all drunken one night stands) and never had a boyfriend (but really want one)?
Read the advice again. Stop looking so hard...he's out there, you'll find him.
Ah yes, the magic "it'll happen" advice. If only all life were so easy as "stop trying, it'll happen on its own".
There's a difference between "it'll happen on its own (with no input from you whatsover)" and "don't stress about making it happen." One of my best friends, at 25, had never had a real girlfriend (he had had some pretty cool friends with benefits, but those were very casual). He really stressed about it, but finally actually tried just chilling, doing what he liked, and letting stuff happen. He loves swing dance, and started going to dance events not desperate to meet someone, but just to have fun. He did meet some pretty girls, including one he had a short relationship with . . . and then he met his fiancee doing the one thing he never thought would lead to love . . . playing World of Warcraft. So I guess the lesson is do go out and do fun social things, but don't freak out about whether every fun thing you do is going to bring you your soulmate.
* pretty *cool* girls. I mean, they were pretty girls too, but that wasn't my point!
Trust can only be earned.
i was a virgin until i was twenty three. i swore off trying to find a relationship, and a year later i got together with my boyfriend. in other words if youre trying it aint gonna happen.
The first girl should save herself the remaining heartache and leave him. Cut communications and call it a day.
This relationship advice stuff is always 50/50. Half say put yourself out there. Half say stop trying. However, no one has the magic ingredients because there will always be plenty of tales to defy what they claim. I'm all about you getting yourself out of the house and staying busy so that you can find each other. I went to small art school too and I know what that's like. You're not looking to get married next year, so try to chill out and just hang out right now. Maybe visit another campus or congregate where people your age are these days. Jobs, volunteer work, parties, free campus or museum offerings, coffee shops. Don't be needy but do be positive and friendly. And please don't believe everything you hear about sex. The longer you wait, the harder it gets and I also know that from experience. I remember being 26 and being chided for not knowing what the hell I was doing...and I still don't. No one's been patient enough to teach me or they assume I've already had my share. And books/Videos don't cut it. I envy people who got it out of the way early and are comfortable enough with themselves to share their bodies in and out of relationships. Til you do it, you'll always be on edge and wondering what if or how to. Or you may start regressing to the point of being scared to be touched at all. Next thing you know is you're 35, you've missed all sorts of available tail, everyone has kids, and you're still playing major catch up with them. Not cool. So get out there and meet some boys!
why not just be up front about your (in)experience? then you don't have to worry about any false assumptions being made. or have a fun talk about what s/he likes and how s/he likes it. and make sure to tell them how you like it too.
if someone is actually chiding you for trying something out, then they're a jerk. everyone likes things done in different ways, and it's ridiculous to expect someone to be psychic. don't let a few douchebags make you think it's going to be the same way with everyone else.
if you're in your mid-30s, you still have decades ahead of you to have mind-blowing sex to your heart's content. everyone doesn't have kids, and if they do, i'm pretty sure there ain't that much time for fcking. plus, a lot of people get divorced. there are horny younger people, older people -- there are fuckable people out there.
stop thinking you're missing something. stop thinking you need to "catch up." you write that you "envy people who got it out of the way early and are comfortable enough with themselves to share their bodies in and out of relationships." you hit the nail on the head. be comfortable with yourself. this has nothing to do with how early or often you fuck.
and if you start getting too scared and it really bothers you, it may help to talk to a sympathetic counselor that you can trust.
Thank you for your suggestions. However, I just want to confirm one thing. I'm not after sex right off the bat. My dating pool is and always has been. That's where the problem is. In order to have the type of connection Blue wants, eventually she will need to give herself to someone. No "normal" dude is going to wait forever. I just think Blue would find it more beneficial to fit in sooner rather than later in life. Later in life meaning late 20's, early 30's on. She's still young enough for it not to be a big deal. Anyway, thanks again for your comments.
This is in response to @Blue's advice to Blue Period. I usually don't write comments, mainly because I'm a lazy ass, but I thoroughly felt the need to add a different perspective to @Blue's advice.
While I do encourage you to go and meet boys, girls, everything in between....do NOT put pressure on yourself to become some sort of sexual expert! That will inevitably lead you to do some stupid things that will probably make you feel like crap afterwards. Once you meet someone you are a 100% comfortable with, you will be able to communicate your sexual desires, fantasies and try out things you haven't experienced before. Practice makes perfect, and before you know it, you're well on your way to being that hot twenty something taking the world.....and the bedrooom....by storm!
So in summation.....be open to meeting people, but don't be afraid to wait it out. I know it gets hard (believe me) but like Ms Information said, take this time to learn about yourself and remember that being in a relationship or being a serial dater doesn't necessarily mean you give amazing head! :D :P :D
The first girl should stay with the man she's got. At least he half-ass understands why she's behaving like that. The next poor guy won't have any clue.
The first girl should stay with the man she's got. At least he half-ass understands why she's behaving like that. The next poor guy won't have any clue.
Time spent looking for a relationship for its own sake IS time wasted. The only regrets I have in my life are those related to being in relationships that took up all my energy when I should have been out honing my friend-making (and artistic) skills.
JM, DTMFA... BP, don't buckle to outside pressure regarding "playing major catch up" with friends who have partners and kids by age 28 or whatever. Consider both options (LTRs or children) carefully because they are not for everyone. It's your life and your timeline.
Blue Period, assuming you're in the U.S., you don't have to worry much about missing out 'til you're 21. A lot of the guys your age don't know a heck of a lot about the right way to have sex, either, so unless you go for someone a little bit older who's willing to teach you the ropes, you're not really losing vital experience. Just look for occasional events, preferably with guys not from your school, where you can have fun and say you had a good time even if you didn't bring some guy home from it. Once you turn 21, bars and night clubs open up to you with less hassle, even if you don't like alcohol (be the designated driver). You may not find Mr. Forever there, but you will find guys willing to help you with your relationship experience desires.
To Blue Period.
I'm much, much older than you. I went to a school with lots of guys, but for whatever reason, I didn't get a serious boyfriend until I was 23. And I really wanted one before that, but just had a bunch of super short things or dates that went nowhere. Since then I've had a few serious boyfriends - each lasting a few years, lots of non serious boyfriends, and in the end, when I was in my mid thirties, a husband. Some people are just late bloomers, or sometimes the right guy is not around yet. But I promise you, at your age, there are tons of guys you will meet, especially once college is over. Please enjoy your youth and do the things that really interest you in the meantime. The only thing I regret in is that I spent waaaay too much time worrying about not having a boyfriend instead of paying more attention to all the cool things in my life.
@Jealous Mess: If you want to stay with this boyfriend, you need to make a decision to forgive his cheating, and the two of you need to take steps to allow him to earn back your trust. (I think it's okay, for him to expect that he needs to be open with you about when he's hanging out with other women and you're not around: someone who cheats and wants to be taken back has to do some work and be held more accountable than they otherwise might.) But if you want to allow him to earn back your trust, then ALLOW HIM to earn back your trust.
What you can't do is take him back and then keep on not trusting him because of your own issues about jealousy. At some point, trust is a conscious decision, and it doesn't sound like it's one you're able to make right now. Get into therapy and start to sort out your jealousy issues, and make some separations between your own learned fear reactions and emotional triggers versus what your boyfriend's doing in reality. Just because you feel jealous or worried doesn't automatically mean he's done something to cause those feelings in you: you need to be able to live with that difference, and not blame him for things he isn't doing.
If he's doing things that are triggering for you (like not cutting off contact with an ex he calls crazy and says he's not interested in), then talk with him about that. There's nothing wrong with being aware of the boundaries you need (we all have different ones, and we all have to negotiate), but you have to be clear with him about what those are, and why you need them. If he can't respect those, you two won't be able to stay together anyway. But ultimately, if you want to be with him and he's making a good-faith effort to prove himself to you, there is a point at which you decide to trust him. Otherwise, he can never ever make amends for what he did, and then neither of you are happy.
Great advice! Thank you.
The grass is always greener. I'm not telling you to become a freak. I just don't think you should give up. I've been a lot of places and I've met a lot of people. And they aren't nearly as forgiving as a forum of advice commenters would have you think. SOME late bloomers get lucky and find understanding and permanent partners later in life. The odds of that happening are lessening every year. Please don't wait too late to get started.
JM, this one comes down to knowing yourself. Some people can deal with a little cheating, forgive the cheater, move on, get over it, etc. Some people can't. I happen to belong to the latter camp, and I know that no matter how madly in love I am with my partner, if he cheats on me, it's over. I wouldn't be able to deal with it, and it would mean he's not the person I thought he was. He knows this, and luckily feels exactly the same way about me. We've got a very clear agreement here.
So, take a look at yourself. If you think you can deal with occasional cheating (and would want/expect to be forgiven if you were to cheat yourself), take Seattle Blonde's advice. From what you've described, though, you might just be someone who has to face up to the fact that for you, it's monogamy or nothing. In that case, get out, no matter how much it hurts. The alternative is worse. And then make your standards perfectly clear to whomever you're with next, and stick to them. Nobody can make you put up with anything you don't agree to put up with.
@Blue -
If you think part of your problem is your school, I highly encourage you to broaden your social circle. Consider finding a nearby engineering school - they've got barely 8% female students, and while many engineers are the dorks you read about, most are not - and "Art Girls" can often have wonderful conversations about metals, creation, and design. There's a surprising amount in common, and I guarantee you can find a man who is just as inexperienced and interested in exploring. With the same problems, motivations, and worries - and just as excited to find a cute girl.
I second this advice, this is great advice!
So much of all of this stress over sexual performance and relationship prowess is in people's heads. I had an unlucky streak (all through high school and freshman year of college...) and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19. It didn't make me a freak and I don't think it made me a late bloomer either. When I did it, I was already comfortable with my body, knew what got me off, knew what I wanted, knew how to ask what he wanted, etc. Alot of the people that I knew who had sex in high school were still uncomfortable with themselves and didn't even know all the names for their parts. I never felt like I didn't know what I was doing in sex or relationship, and I didn't build it up to the point where I was constantly questioning myself and "wondering what if or how to"- that's where you get into trouble. So much of being good in bed and good in a relationship comes from inside you, and not how many coins you've collected, as Cait puts it. Keep those things in mind and when someone worthwhile comes along you'll already know how to give a righteous blowjob- cause all it really comes down to is being really into it and knowing how to ask what he likes.
I found myself in a similar circumstance as Blue Period... I noticed that once I started focusing on myself and becoming more confident in my own skin as my own person, positive interactions with guys just spontaneously happened dramatically more. I can't say this is totally generalizable I guess, but it seemed that people are naturally attracted to you if you are just doing your thing and loving it.
Can couples please stop moving in together so quickly? Jealous Mess--this is your first boyfriend? Go out and get your own life before playing house with a guy. You will be happier for it, I'm sure. Also, as much as I'd love to rag on clingy, controlling behavior your distrust of your bf is probably grounded on something real. Don't lie to yourself. He's a Crazy Ex Cultivator--don't stick around with this one.
So. I'm not trying hard.
Why isn't that working!?
@LW1:
If his exes are really that crazy & bad, then why doesn't he change his number?
@Blue - As a girl who also didn't really get rolling on the whole sex/relationship thing until my mid-20's, I know well the terrible anxiety that you feel. Let it go. Go out, do things for their own sakes, practice deep breathing or whatever you need to do to avoid making every single outing about finding a boyfriend. MI's advice about desperation is true. The other posters' ideas about other schools/Internet dating and social clubs are all constructive, and just remember that when any of those things go wrong (and they will sometimes) the experience can often be re-purposed into an entertaining story for future cocktail parties. FYI if there are no cocktail parties that you get invited to, start throwing 'em yourself. As a final cheer-up for you, BP, I will tell you that I know a guy who was once the token straight boy at an art school. It completely messed him up because he got far too accustomed to hordes of cute girls throwing themselves at him because he was the only game in town. Come graduation and his re-entry to the real world of women in their mid-twenties and beyond, and suddenly he got a major ego re-adjustment. So there's that.
I was a real "late bloomer" -- didn't really date until after college -- and it all worked out fine.
There's a big difference between going out looking for a partner, and going out to have fun in an environment that improves your odds. Are there traditional "guy" activities you might enjoy? Girls at the hang-gliding hill always got lots of attention, as do women who shoot, paddle whitewater kayaks, or do other fun stuff. The geek guy suggestion was also good -- there are lots of nice guys in the world who tend to be invisible because they're shy.
Do it for yourself, but be open to possibilities....
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I was with this guy for three years and,
we were in love. Everything was going
fine until I started to find pictures and
letters of other girls. He would tell me
they were old but, I knew something
was wrong so I broke up with him.
Days later we were back together,
I found a video of him a his ex having sex,
he said it was old, we broke up again then
we got back together for Valentines day
we got tattoos of each others from Dr.()
and since we have been happily married with two kids thanks to Dr.Gboco
Now you say something