Have a question? Email . Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
My wife snores sometimes. So do I, but it bugs me more than it does her. We already wear earplugs at night. Sometimes when it's really bad, I tell her I’d like to sleep on the couch, and she gets upset. She wants us to keep sharing the bed for what feel like legitimate reasons: it makes her feel safe and comfortable and helps her feel more intimate and romantic.
I want to get your advice: Am I doing the right thing by staying in bed with her? I've agreed to, though I may get a little frustrated. I don't mind making the concession, although I fear her snoring gets in the way of my productivity. I know she doesn't like it when I'm sleep-deprived and act a little wacky or get upset as a result. But I love her and want to do what makes her happy, so I put up with getting woken up by her snoring lots of mornings and getting up an hour or two before I planned. Am I making too big of a sacrifice? Am I putting my health at risk? Or is this a legitimate compromise, since I don't want to hurt her? — Sleepless Not Anywhere Near Seattle
Dear Sleepless,
Everyone needs a good night’s sleep. What that entails means something different to everybody. I tend to sleep for a few hours, wake up and dick around for while, then sleep for a few more hours. Like you, I worried about the health implications, especially after reading newspaper trend pieces connecting lack of sleep to everything from heart disease to divorce. Then I read this New York Times article which says that back in ye olden days this kind of sleeping pattern was completely normal. Ben Franklin used to get up for hours-long nude “cold air baths” (how’s that for a mental picture?) and we all know how much that guy got done.
In the end, I feel fine, Sleepless. How about you? Are you tired once a week? Once a month? Have you ever drifted off somewhere important, like behind the wheel or at work? If so, or hell, even if not so, your wife is going to need to give a little. Chronic low-grade problems often turn into big problems later. There are steps you can take to get the wife to warm up to it. Being in separate beds can be romantic, in its own dysfunctional way. The key is working in some R&R. That stands for Rules & Ritual, not Rest & Relaxation, though hopefully the latter will also be an outcome.
Examples of Rules include:
• No sleeping apart when we’ve been arguing
• No sleeping apart more than 2 nights a week
• No sleeping apart on weekends
The Rituals can be stuff like:
• Tucking her into bed and telling her a ridiculous bedtime story
• Sending lovey-dovey goodnight texts once you’re in your separate rooms
• Buying her a stuffed platypus to hug or giving her one of your pheromoned-up t- shirts to sleep in
You obviously need to figure out what works best, but you get the idea, right?
The idea is to let her know she’s loved and cherished, something that may not be evident if, after two hours of deep sighs, you’re grabbing your pillow and stomping out of the room. She’ll agree to a test run if she values your happiness as much as you seem to value hers.
Dear Miss Information,
I need some advice. My friend is sleeping around, and I know for a fact that she has herpes with active lesions. She never reveals this to her partners. She’s a party girl who goes out, gets drunk, then brings home whoever’s handy and does the deed — usually unprotected. This is easy for her because she’s very sexy. I’m sure these guys are either too horny to care about condoms or so drunk they don’t notice anything’s amiss. I know she’s got some emotional problems. I don’t think she’s come to terms with her diagnosis or what she needs to do to take care of herself. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help her, from sending her articles from WebMD to just being a listening ear. It doesn’t matter whether I’m non-judgmental or a bitch – nothing seems to get through. What’s my responsibility here? Am I supposed to take guys aside when I see a pick-up in progress and warn them, or is that going too far? — Ambivalent Tattle Tale
Dear Ambivalent Tattle Tale,
You have a friend that plays fast and loose with her virus; other people have friends who down a bunch of Hefeweizens and get behind the wheel. You can refuse to go along with her when she’s on one of her manhunts or try to talk her into a nightcap of pie and coffee instead of penis, but that’s about the extent of it. She’s going to get up to no good whether you’re there or not, much like the friend who goes out for Booze Cruise Part II two nights after you took his keys. At least with this she’s not going to kill anyone. Herpes can be a huge pain in the ass (and other places) but it’s generally not fatal.
No one “deserves” to get anything – good or bad – but the guys she’s bedding do have a role in this. You can’t fuck a stranger without proctection and expect a good outcome. Yes, condoms don’t completely protect against the big H, but they’re more effective than nothing. STDs aside, what about pregnancy? Are you supposed to follow your friend around the bar with a chart that details the cost of supporting a child for eighteen years? Even if you devoted your life to it, you could never protect everyone against every little thing. No one can do that. Not the world’s best Jewish mother. Not Aquaman. Not even Jesus.
Reinforce her good behavior and do your best not to facilitate the bad. I have a few friends I can no longer hang with in certain contexts because I know they’re going to go unhinged and do things that drive me batshit. Make up an excuse or just tell her the truth. She’ll probably pout, but you have the right to have a good time without compromising yourself morally.
Dear Miss Information,
I can’t make human connections. I’m male and in my early thirties. I should be settled down by now, or at least on my way. I never seem to be able to engage with women on the level that they want. Past girlfriends have called me everything from cold to emotionally immature. I get in relationships just for the sake of being in them and then dump the person or get dumped. It’s like I’m trying to prove something. What, though? About the only benefit I get out of it is sex. My therapist says I should take a break from dating. I’m open to the idea, except for the lack of sex it would entail. Do you agree I should take a break? If so, for how long? — Misspent
Dear Misspent,
Take a break. Why not? Early thirties is not that old (that’s like, twenty-five in New York City years) and you don’t have to worry about your biological clock ticking. It’s better to be alone for a while, work on yourself, and try to understand why different women are all giving you the same feedback than it is to continue what you’re currently doing. You can get sex from a fuck friend, or, barring that, from your hand. Celibacy sounds insurmountable at first, but it gets easier after the first month or two.
So go ahead. Eat. Pray. Love. Or just let your apartment really filthy and grow a beard. Try to work in some time for some journaling sessions, self-help books – and continue with the therapy. Hang out with people you want to be like – guys and gals in healthy relationships and singles who have their shit together. It’s cliché as hell, but your high school guidance counselor was right – you pick up the habits of the company you keep. As far as time, six months sounds like a good amount. You can always bail if you need to.
Readers, Misspent says he’s going to go with majority rule. Should he take a break from dating? How long? One month? A year? How should he cope with his…uh…needs?
Commentarium (64 Comments)
If she's super hot she's worth the herpes to me.
About the snoring thing... Have either of you been tested for sleep apnea... because one of the symptoms is snoring. Untreated sleep apnea can be more serious than just loss of sleep, and if you are considering sleeping in spearate beds, it might be an avenue to check out first.
@bearman33: Then you deserve it.
Taking a break from dating won't help if you've got Aspergers.
@Misspent: I agree with Erin: let yourself off the hook with dating for a few months cause it sounds like you're just getting frustrated and resentful of women as a whole and that's not fair. I want to ask you: do you have any female friends who you admire and respect but don't want to bone? Sex is important and anybody who says otherwise is lying, but if you don't have any desire to spend time with a woman who isn't giving you sex, you should stop wasting time dating women who are looking for love. Learn how to have safe, respectful casual sex relationships instead, with people who turn you on but who won't care if you fail to ask what kind of day they had. You know how they say there's a type of girl you marry and a type you fuck? It's sort of a misogynist way of saying we have different needs and capacities for social fulfillment and for sexual fulfillment, and we have to find a way to get those needs met in ways that work for us (and our partners) rather than doing things the perceived 'normal' monogamous way just to prove our normalness.
I agree on the Aspergers thing. He sounds like my ex, who was.
yeah she's been tested for sleep apnea, although she wants to be tested again, and now she's telling me she wants me to get tested for it. It hasn't been an issue as much lately; maybe I've gotten used to it or maybe the condition has improved. Sometimes if it's bad I'll slip out to the couch for the night, but I haven't really ever seriously considered separate beds. I don't have any problems from the sleep deprivation, catch up with a nap, etc.
About Misspent's problem, I don't think he has Asperger's. If he did, he would have a problem connecting with everyone, not just women. He would get complaints from coworkers, or have problems making or keeping friends. Now, if he does have these sort of problems, I agree that maybe he should look into it. If not, I agree that he should probably take a break from dating.
Regarding Misspent and aspergers: My experience is that you don't tend to worry about friends when you have aspergers (who needs the bother of pretending to care?) However, everyone needs sex. I wouldn't rule out aspergers just because he never noticed/cared that he doesn't have any friends that didn't come with benefits.
Umm on the first one where the wife is snoring. Uhh about going to see a doctor about her snoring or try the nasal strips or why not lift the head side of the bed two inches has been known to reduce snoring.
It seems sort of brash to jump to the conclusion that this person has Aspergers. Maybe an intimacy problem? Maybe he is a serial monogamist who tends to settle for women to whom he is not entirely attracted? In which case a date from dating until a woman who means more than sex to him comes around.
*break from dating is appropriate (not a date from dating)
I'm almost 40 and I'm right there with misspent... I'm in the process of taking a break myself, just to try and get my head clear...Seems I keep getting into relationships out of some kind of erroneous idea that I'm SUPPOSED to be in one by my age...Thing is, if it's not right from the start, it'll never be right... better to to take stock of yourself and figure out what you really want.
I'm a man in my mid-thirties...
I took a break from women for almost a year. No sex. I can easily connect as a friend with women (I even have a confidante). But when it comes to "romantic relationship" it seems that what they want/need does not fit with what I want/need from a relationship.
So I really questioned myself about what I wanted/needed from women and I've come to what some people would see as a dirty conclusion. I want affection and sex from them...but I want to remain free/single and live on my own. I can see myself living like until I'm old with white hair and die alone.
What I mean is that society promotes a "standard" for relationship expectations. At some point you really have to question yourself about if you want to adhere to this "standard". And there is no shame in living into the margin.
Just live, find your way and be happy.
Oh yeah...and be fair to the majority of women who are looking for love. If that is not what you want, then do not waste their time.
STD = tell, or at least hint at it to your friend's prospects.
1) maybe they find something good, and you'd prefer it not be damaged.
2)orgasms are not worth being an asshole. Usually.
+++
Aspy
fucking give up, If it comes yer way, great. Even if it does, it's really likely to fail, anyway.
Get on with whatever you want to do with your remaining time on the planet. Or keep chasing the horizon.
Your Choice.
I wouldn't be friends with someone with herpes who was behaving that way in the first place. And unless you think the guys are total assholes whom you'd like to see punished for life, I would certainly warn them.
How can loyalty to a slutty friend trump protecting innocent people from a lifelong disease? That was a no-brainer, Miss Information. You blew it.
I'll say it again, if the chick is insanely hot, dealing with a little herpes is totally worth it, I understand not everyone agrees with that, but that's my prerogative, and I stand by it.
I could never be friends with the sort of selfish asshole who totes around an incurable disease and then selfishly doesn't disclose her diagnosis and gives it to others. Herpes is easily spread even WITH condoms. If you disclose this diagnosis to someone and they still want to sleep with you, that's up to them. If you keep it a secret, you're a disgusting excuse for a human. I couldn't have respect for myself if I maintained loyalty to such a "person."
@Sleeping: Yeah, I was kinda shocked by the fact that nothing was mentioned about treating the snoring. It's sort of irresponsible not to say "Uh, maybe she should go see a doctor?" before bringing up all the fluffy-bunny stuff.
Well, Miss Information isn't exactly known for giving *good * information... quite the opposite...
I kind of agree with Miss Information on the herpes thing.. I mean, what is he friend supposed to do, tag along with her for the rest of her life warning her potential partners?? The final responsibility rests on the shoulders of the guys... they need to protect themselves, ASK whether or not their potential partners have herpes, and make the judgement whether or not they trust them... a good rule of thumb is not to fully trust any potential partner who's willing to just jump into bed on a first meeting... Ultimately everyone's responsible for their own help... wear condoms and wash up with hot soap and water after!
I meant everyone's responsible for their own HEALTH...
RE Misspent: I like p's advice here, as douchey as he appears (and being a female, I wouldn't go near him).
Take a break, do some introspection and come to terms with who you are and what you want. Don't waste another woman's time with a pseudo relationship. Once you know yourself better, you'll be able to spot someone who's on the same page.
i'm with erin on the herpes thing. though i'd definitely de-friend the person.
P's advice about taking a break from dating, and re-examining whether or not relationships are for you long-term, is excellent. I think there are many men out there who, if they were truly honest with themselves, would come to the conclusion that they don't want to be married, they don't want to be in a long-term relationship: they just want to be able to enjoy themselves and have sex with interesting partners. That's okay. But speaking as a woman who's dated and been dumped by one of these guys, we are all better off if you figure that out, are honest about it, and don't try to deceive yourself or your partner that you want something more when in fact you don't. I was actually proud of my ex when he took that step and figured that out, as painful as it was for me. But it was really freeing for him, to finally confront the fact that he'd been living the life he thought he was supposed to live, and it wasn't the life he wanted. He could have saved me and a couple of other women lots of heartache if he'd determined that earlier. So, just be honest with yourself and any potential partners, whatever your decision turns out to be!
Re: all the people saying misspent has Asperger's:
maybe he does; but he really should get a professional diagnoses instead of going by what he reads here, IMHO.
if you're going to say that sex without love = Asperger's, at least reference a reliable source where you got that information. one of my close friends has Asperger's, and she is continually saddened by how much misinformation is spread around by the popular media because of hearsay and because of people not checking their information.
girls from small towns started telling me i was emotionally immature and selfish for not marrying them when i was 20. i'm hesitant to jump on the asperger's bandwagon here for that reason.
it's fully possible to not find the right woman or otherwise not feel comfortable with the idea of "the rest of your life" if you're never able to have a conversation with people that doesn't devolve into "you're broken." just saying.
Herpes is common, condoms are everybody's responsibility, especially when sleeping with strangers. No need to "tell on" an immoral friend. Take care of yourself.
So much controversy in here! Listen, if you fuck without getting both getting tested, there can be consequences. It's really that simple. If you catch something, you have nobody to blame but yourself.
Ooops. I typed an extra "getting". Let's just say it's for emphasis.
why cant Hooksexup just post dan savage? this is the same thing but except its not informative or funny.
What an excellent bunch of responses, re: Misspent. VoR seems to have a really good understanding of it, and I had the same reaction. I know high-functioning autistic folk. (Resisting the urge to say I may be one myself, but suffice to say, I have very close relatives who are.) They don't get complaints from coworkers, they do fine not having "friends" (this is a misunderstanding of the term: most of the people I know do much better "relating" to people in non-face-to-face circumstances, e.g. having a very wide and rich online social life, and yes when that's all you can manage, it certainly does count). But physical contact is a effectively a REQUIREMENT of healthy adulthood. "Just jerk off" is not a reasonable substitute for physical contact (it's never just about blowing your load). -IF- Misspent really is autistic, he's probably suspected it. I suggest he spend some time in some support groups online, if that's the case, and see how other people in his situation adapt/adjust. It's very difficult to separate oneself from society's norms, but some of us are just outliers. It does make things more difficult, but you're never the only one, and there are always options, as long as you're transparent and earnest. (PS Wilhelmina, in my experience, an undiagnosed adult with autism can expect to spend about $4,000 for that so-holy diagnosis. Looking at the syndrome as a resource for potential solutions, rather than something diagnosable and ready for treatment, might be helpful to some.)
I think Miss Info was right on the money with her advice to Friend of Herpes. Could you imagine being in a bar, chatting with an attractive person, feeling pretty good about yourself, and then being told by that person's less attractive friend, "I feel like I simply must tell you, if you're thinking of going home with ---, you should know ... she has herpes." Nuh-uh. Just stop hanging out with the train wreck, or at least stop going to bars with her - and tell her why.
"Could you imagine being in a bar, chatting with an attractive person, feeling pretty good about yourself, and then being told by that person's less attractive friend, "I feel like I simply must tell you, if you're thinking of going home with ---, you should know ... she has herpes.""
Yeah, what a buzzkill! I'd much rather sleep with a stranger and be diseased the rest of my life. People you don't know are people too, Miss Information, and loyalty in a situation like that is bullshit.
To anyone who says they would tell the guys their friend has herpes, and even to the people who think her friend should tell everyone she hooks up with about herself - a) unless you're getting blood tested every three months, you're also a selfish asshole because you could have herpes, not know it, and pass it on. b) your sexual health is YOUR OWN responsibility and no one else's. if you don't want herpes, wear a condom, always. period. c) there's a lot of panic on the Internet about herpes, how serious it is, and how easily it is spread. It is NOT easily spread (especially with condoms), it is NOT generally serious (most people who spread it DO NOT know they have it) and genital herpes is NOT fatal, not "generally not fatal." Unless someone kills themselves because they found out that they have it. That DOES happen, because there is so much misinformation and stigma associated with having it, and so many ignorant assholes out there acting like it'll cause body parts to fall off. You will almost never be able to tell if someone has genital herpes or not unless they tell you. You cannot look at someone and say "that person doesn't have herpes."
Pablo, being a buzz-killer isn't the issue. In this situation, the adults involved should be permitted to make their own decisions. They don't need the infantilizing intervention of a concerned friend. People are perfectly capable of taking responsibility for their own sexual health (though many don't, clearly), and thus it's their responsibility to talk to a potential partner about STIs. If someone spoke to me that way, I would think they were either a) lying, b) jealous of their friend or c) a busybody who assumed that I didn't have any personal agency.
Thank you, yeah, for clarifying the severity (or lack thereof) of herpes. To me, a more significant question would be if the friend has a responsibility to intervene if the disease in question was actually potentially life-threatening (HIV really being the only example of this).
P's advice is ok, most of the situations are more complicated though. Usually both parties start out seeing each other casually, have sex and then here it goes - the woman gets attached. The guy likes the sex, even though he does not want to have any "future", so he also keeps hanging about. 2 years later the sex goes, here comes the heartbreak and break-up. The guy feels like crap even though he didn't make any promises to begin with. I had and had seen it happen over and over. I wish someone figured out how not to get into this "casual dating" trap. The only solution I came up with is to not have casual sex at all - that's after some crazy nights (and days) in my thirties. Oh well.
I agree with the above comments, especially the one about miss information being "no-brainer". The friend with the STD'S IS BY ALL MEANS carrying around a weapon. It's unfortunate for her to have to suffer with it, but SHE SHOULD NOT INFECT OTHER PEOPLE. How can anyone say it may be ok IF the guys are assholes? What about the innocent girls they may sleep with next????The vicious cycle will only continue unless the friend puts a STOP TO IT. Tell her to either KEEP HER LEGS SHUT or CAREFULLY USE PROTECTION.
Reading this story AND the so- called advice made my stomach turn. People like this make me sick.
Pablo - you ever hear of a thing called "personal responsibility"? People who sleep with strangers without condoms do not have it. It's not like she's fucking a mentally impaired person who doesn't know what they're doing. Jana is right - herpes is not that big of a deal these days.
Miss Info is dead on with tattle tale. It's not the responsibility of a third party to warn someone to something like that. It's just not. If they weren't friends, but she had the same information, would it be her moral imperative to follow her around letting everyone know? Sounds like the Scarlet Letter, and the idea that it takes two to tango was the moral of that story too.
I do think that if she talked with the friend about why she thought it was repugnant, maybe it would get through, and if it didn't, she should probably ditch her.
Wow you people are over reacting on the herpes thing. Herpes is essentially a rash. Big. Fucking. Deal. Plus nearly everyone gets some variation of herpes eventually. They just call it a "cold sore" when it's not on their genitals.
I agree with Miss Info on the herpes situation, but wanted to add that disclosing another persons private information, medical or otherwise, is a violation on a far larger scale than just friendship and trust. The responsibility falls on the friend and her sexual partners to be honest and safe, not third party intervention.
I in no way condone dishonesty when it comes to STDs, but it's a slippery slope. One day we're furtively warning dudes in a bar, and the next we're branding an H to the chest of anyone with a cold sore.
Hyperbole? Well, yeah. Scarily accurate when looking at history? Yep, that too.
Wow, max, yeah, L. and Noodles, I couldn't agree more -- not only is Miss Info right about the herpes, I am seriously scared and depressed to see how many people on here seriously seem to think it would be ok to go around telling strangers about someone else's (not your own) STD status. NOT COOL. And how many people - including the original letter writer - think it's ok to presume that they know the exact state of someone else's genital lesions, someone else's safe sex practices, and someone else's disclosures to their partners, if they are not IN THE ROOM during that sexual encounter. Also NOT COOL.
I wouldn't continue being friends with such a "person" if they even told me that they had disclosed another person's STD status to a stranger, let alone my own. Grow up and quit meddling. Sex is risky. And yeah, I also completely agree that this person needs to tell the girl why they can't go picking up guys in bars with her any more.
Mrs Sleepless might well have Sleep Apnea. My dad has that. He got a CPAP machine and it worked wonders for himself & my stepmom. It did somewhat reduce the romantic aspects of things, but at least everyone got the sleep they needed.
"physical contact is a effectively a REQUIREMENT of healthy adulthood" - Says who? Since when? But if so, then I know an awful lot of unhealthy adults. Misspent should not let his apartment [get] really, or even slightly, filthy, for any number of reasons; I'm assuming that this suggestion was meant as the kind of joke I never get.
"Says who? Since when" Just look at the famous study with the baby monkeys with plush mothers vs. wire mothers. Plush mother monkeys were salvageable, wire ones were hopeless. Lack of touch can KILL a baby outright; our needs don't change that much as adults, and most people get pretty messed up if they don't have some kind of caring touch in their lives.
"I know an awful lot of unhealthy adults." You probably do! And that's not a diss, since we all do. The old trope about a neurotic person, "s/he just needs to get laid", is sometimes true in the literal sense but sometimes really means "s/he needs to be touched in a satisfying and/or caring way".
Does anyone else remember the episode of Clarissa Explains it All where Ferguson tries to convince Clarissa that she's gone mad, by placing hidden speakers in her room? Thats classic.
there is a drug on tv that supposedly suppresses herpes, making it less contagious (i think), recommend that to her
Misspent, travel some and try to really meet some new cultures instead of the tourist thing. Or at least date outside your "type". I thought I was attracted to smarty hipsterish girls for so long but first fell in love with a more coy mainstream type girl.
@Sleepless: If the deprivation were bothering you, I'd call bullshit on Miss Info's ridiculous rules and sleep apart as much as required. Since you commented you don't mind napping, what about some "white noise" to help mask the snoring. Go buy a CD/MP3 of ocean waves crashing or whatever.
To stop snoring 100% chance guaranteed, all you need is the right pillow. The secret is to wait for your partner to start snoring, then you hold the pillow over their face until they croak.
Um, yeah, I'm pretty sure Misspent has Asperger's.
I hate to ask, but I work for an ENT... Are either Sleepless or his wife overweight? Obesity is a significant risk factor for snoring and sleep apnea and losing weight can often help symptoms. If obesity is not an issue it's not a bad idea to have a sleep study or see an ENT - Lots of other things can cause snoring like enlarged turbinates or tonsils or a deviated nasal septum. Sometimes removing the uvula is helpful. Most of these things are covered by insurance too, because true sleep apnea is a serious medical condition!
what do you do when you almost loose a friend
for sleepless separate rooms for sleeping by choice can be a wonderful thing my boyfriend snores I grind my teeth he gets too hot i get too cold and so on we started sleeping in different rooms and wow its made our lives so much better we both get a good night sleep and aren't complaining about the others sleeping habits any more.At first i was similar to your wife thinking about the negative side of the situation but was willing to try.thank goodness i did we're both happier for it.
Ok so this is directed to all of the preachy folks that think it's a moral responsibility to disclose you have herpes. I have a close friend that tried to do the right thing by being honest and he never saw her again. I see people walking around with raging cold sores on their mouths. Hello, that's herpes?! Would you dump someone if they told you they get cold sores on their mouth? Not if you liked them b/c you would reason well shit I won't kiss them when they have a cold sore. The stigma with herpes absolutely prevents people from being honest.
dEeRsz Uh, well, explain me a please, I am not quite in the subject, how can it be???
Is that a picture of the STD girl at the top of the page? Because if it is I'd be lost. Herpes or not I'd be squirreling her ten times before dinner every night regardless.....unless it was Ebola of course.
Oh who am I kidding.....she's sooo gorgeous I'd be dead in a day. Lol
Great post I must say. Simple but yet interesting. Wonderful work!
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