Please Advise: How can I keep my wife from coming to my high-school reunion?
It's not about not wanting her there, it's about not wanting her to see me there.
by Hooksexup Readers
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she can't answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this gentleman out — give him advice in the comments below. If you have a question that you'd like to turn over to the Hooksexup Commentariat, send it on over to with the subject line "Please Advise."
Dear Hooksexup,
My wife and I have been happily married for two years now. We have disagreements, of course, but overall, everything's great — our sex life is thriving, and we're just happy being young and in love.
Speaking of being young and in love, my ten-year high-school reunion is coming up, and under no circumstances do I want my wife to attend it with me. A lot of my anxiety has to do with the fact that we met in college, so not only will she not know anybody, but she'll be subjected to a high volume of inside jokes, and the night will just be one endless stream of introductions and her playing catch-up.
She says she's fine with this, but there's a larger issue at play: I'm not sure if I want her around people I knew during high school. I was a bit of a mess in high school — I slept around, I was a pretty big social outcast but for a small group of friends, and a lot of people knew me as a self-abuser. I never wanted anything more from high school than to leave, and so I really came out of my shell at college, where I met my girlfriend. She knows a little bit about my teenage years, but not that much, and I'm not sure I want her to be around the people that do.
I'm not really even sure why I'm going to this — there's a few people I'd like to see, but I can catch up with them any time. I think a lot of this has to do with wanting to prove to my former classmates that I've turned myself around, but I still want to keep those two halves of my life separate. How I can convince my wife that this isn't an issue of trying to keep something from her, or being "ashamed" of her? Is this normal? How many of you went to your reunions solo?
— Romy and... Romy's High School Reunion
What say you, gentle Hooksexup readers? Help this guy out in the comments below.
And if you'd like to meet someone you do want attend your high-school reunion with, meet them on Hooksexup.
Commentarium (34 Comments)
Easy. Don't go.
Agreed.
duh
yeeeeahhhh, don't go. You're not going to prove anything to those people. The picture of Romy and Michelle is apt; they went back trying to prove something, and it mattered not at all--because the people they wanted to impress were not worth the effort they put into impressing them. "Party Down" also has an excellent episode on just this topic.
Don't go.
Party Down is exactly what I thought of. Eugh.
High School Reunions are kind of reminiscent of prom, in that people realize that they will suck and that they do not really count for shit, and yet they let themselves get incredibly worked up. It's really not important.
On the other hand, keeping your past shrouded from your wife? That's pretty important. Having a shitty adolescence isn't anything to be ashamed of, and it shouldn't be something you need to keep secret. But it certainly doesn't sound like you're ashamed of your wife -- it sounds like you're ashamed of yourself.
Nothing says "I've turned my life around" than having a happy marriage and a wife who loves and supports you. If you can't bring her along, maybe your motives aren't as clear as you think.
Absolutely.
EMPHATICALLY AGREE WITH kait.
i say go, and bring her. are the people you went to school with ten years ago really that apt to rub your face in you issues from those days? doubtful. i've been to a couple of my husband's reunions (none of my own, though), and there really wasn't all that much in-depth analysis of what anyone was like back in the day. people were interacting in their new adult selves mode.
1) Don't go. This is probably pretty hurtful to your wife. No matter what you say to her, she is probably going to feel like you are either ashamed of her, or you have something to hide.
2) Take her. Like another commented said, nothing says I've turned myself around like "I'd like you to meet my amazing wife." Also gets rid of the idea you are hiding something. Embarassed about stuff that might come up? Tell her about it! Guess what, she chose to marry you, she friggin' loves you. It probably won't be that big of a deal. And if you did stuff in high school that is so monumentally bad that it warrants living two separate lives forever, then it is something that she deserves to know about as your life partner. If you've got secrets that deep and dark, you need to 'fess up even if you decide not to go to the reunion. But the tone of your letter sounds like you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
You have your life together and loving wife.
Why would you possible care what people from high school think?
Don't go!
There's a reason that reunions are dwindling in popularity: people only go if they want to screw that "what if" person from high school, and/or if they want to peacock-strut themselves in front of a bunch of other losers. 20, or even 10 years ago, you could make the case that you didn't have the ability to keep in touch with everyone from high school that you wanted to. These days it's pretty obvious that everyone who goes will fall into one of those two categories. Since it doesn't sound like you'll be part of the former, why would you want to be part of the latter? Don't go, your self-respect will thank you in the morning.
Your wife probably wants to have more of a sense of who you were in the past. That's why she wants to go. You, on the other hand, are not so comfortable with who you were. So, the issue is about your fear of embarrassment, rather than her feeling left out because of some inside jokes (it's no different from taking her to meet your family: they've known you for a lot longer than she has, right?)?
Take the money you'd spend on the reunion, double it, and take your wife out for a nice evening instead. If there are any old friends you feel she really has to meet, do it gradually in a low-key manner. There's plenty of time for those old stories to come out, so what's your hurry?
Best reply yet, taking the "don't go" to a new level. Seriously, it's not worth your time or the stress.
Don't go. Obviously you don't feel comfortable about going in the first place. Why add to it.
This question rings false.
You're supposed to show off your new life and the happiness you acquired. That you want to compartmentalize it and bring a fictitious persona to this shindig tells me that you're working a different angle. Either that or you don't want to subject your wife to the person you were, which means you two probably have issues of openness.
Whatever it is, let it go. Either bring the wife and trust that she can deal with a bunch of in-jokes or don't go, leave the past undisturbed, and connect with the high school people you actually care about in private.
Don't go. There is nothing for you there but pain and misery
The way to prove you are over high school is to stop going back.
I'm gonna go with "don't go" also.
The reality of high school reunions is that anyone who goes just to show how far they've come is perceived as and/or treated like a douchebag. Now, I'm not saying you're a douchebag; but people are either doing just as well as you (in which case they probably won't be all that impressed), or they're doing worse and don't want your success rubbed in their faces.
It's not like the movies where the high school cheerleaders have put on 40 pounds and want to blow your new self in the bathroom (typically, those cheerleaders are still pretty hot, and have snagged themselves a nice investment banker). Anyway, if the only reason you want to go is to show off your new life, then don't go. That's a horrible reason to go. Keep living your awesome life and don't look back.
Clearly, you have not matured enough in 10 years to attend.
It's possible your classmates have and while you believe they'll all be making inside jokes about you, they've probably forgotten your name.
Over the next 10 years, you need to work out your issues and also let your wife in on some of the details so she has a better idea about who she married. Perhaps you'll attend your 20th reunion (hopefully, with your first wife in tow) and you won't give a flying hoot about what others think.
Bon chance.
I'm going to have to agree with they nay sayers on this one. If you feel strongly that you don't want your wife there, then why do you want to be there? That doesn't add up. Do not go.
I'll agree. Don't go. Instead, invite some of your HS classmates--the ones you liked and are still in touch with--out to dinner with you and your wife. They'll amuse her with (nontoxic) tales from your HS days, and they may have some good stories from the reunion.
Why is everybody hating on high school reunions? It is possible to just attend and have a good time. I'm not in a position to attend right now, but if I was I'd be curious to see what people were up to, even if they weren't my friends and I wouldn't see them otherwise. Reunions can be about more than showing people up or proving anything. It gives you a chance to see old friends or acquaintances and how they've changed in x many years. I feel as though everybody here is getting their information from TV shows or movies and that in real life it's a whole lot duller than you all imagine (in that there's less drama, not in that it isn't fun). Has anybody been to a high school reunion and just had a good time?
Most Hooksexup readers were full of themselves in high school and thought they would be the next gonzo poet/auteur/journalist/star.
Bust most are just ordinary people with one too many tatoos and a bunch of kitschy stuff.
Going to their high school reunion as an accountant (at best) would be to much of a hit for their sad egos.
"Hooksexup commenters are assholes"--Hooksexup commenter
take your wife someplace nice instead.
Romy,
Are you sure you are not planning on sleeping around at the reunion for good times sake?
Why would your wife finding out about your high school life be a problem? You were a kid and she's sleeping with you now. (Or at least I hope she is)
Oh my god, people still give a shit about what their HIGH SCHOOL CLASSMATES think?! Traumatic though your time there might have been, it's 4 years of your life where you weren't even a fully developed adult. Either get over your insecurities, tell your wife the whole story, and go, OR just skip it altogether.
But seriously, if your transition from high school to college was so monumental that it changed you as a person, then you should communicate that critical part of your life to your wife. Everyone has shit in their past, some more than others. What matters is that she is not your past, she is your future.
Go ahead and go. It's a great learning experience and/or reality check on your old high-school perceptions and how far you've come since. Really. My 10-year was. First of all, nobody recognized anybody, at least at first. So your worries that someone will immediately run up to you and spill all your secrets is tempered by the fact that they'll have to read your name tag first and figure out who you are.
Me, I was a nerd-turned-hot girl. While that sounds like sweet revenge on my awkward teenage years, it was actually hilarious because on the one hand, people were like, "Wow, you look great! You were a nerd but now you're hot!" which was great. But then they were like, "Wow, remember what a nerd you were? You were SUPER NERDY! WOW, WERE YOU NERDY..." Which was news to me because I didn't think I was THAT nerdy and they were acting like I wore a Star Trek uniform to school. So much for being the hot girl. My ego remained safely in check, needless to say. But it wasn't malicious or embarrassing, it was funny.
I ended up sitting next to this incredibly mild guy with a very nice, cute wife. Turns out he was the former class jerk! Like, the kind of jerk who would pick on the retarded kids. And all he could talk about was how he felt so horrible for being such a shithead as a teen. He obsessed about it, he was repentant. (He was also like that at the 15-year reunion.)
And yeah, some people will still be jerks and will have not yet gotten over themselves. But they'll be in the minority. Class reunions are about reconnecting as adults and leaving the past in the past. People won't be harping on the details for the most part, and if they do, well, they're pricks.
Do yourself a favor and tell your wife BEFORE the reunion that maybe you got around a bit in high school and had a dark side that may have involved sharp objects. She won't freak out and be all, "I don't even know you!" Really. You are definitely not the only one who probably had issues in high school that were cured upon graduation. She probably has her own list of Shit She Doesn't Talk About. You probably don't have to go into the really gory details, but at least you don't have to worry about a big reveal during cocktail hour.
1. What could you possibly have done?
2. Impressing people who don't care about you is the epitome of emptiness.
3. Are you sure you're not hoping to bed someone for old time's sake?
I won't encourage you to take your wife since you don't want to. You won't be happy and neither would she. Don't go. Do something fun with her instead.
I have to say, though, I get the sense from you that you see yourself in a new, marketable light and are kind of hankering to be "young and single" rather than "young and in love".
I went to my reunion last year and loved it. And guess what? Nobody goes "Oh, remember when you slept with that girl?" or "You were such a mess back then!".
You are REALLY overreacting. Everyone will be mature, cool, and accepting. A lot of people became friends (or closer friends) that night. Lots of compliments all around ("I really admired you for, but you never knew..").
Take your wife. She will be fine listening to your stories and inside jokes. Be a MAN.
First of all I do not know you or the details of your relationship ... but I'm pulling this out of my "cracker-jack psychology box-a**" anyways:
So you have reached some level of self-actualization from "re-inventing" yourself in college. Remember the teenage years are really the toughest stage of anyone's life. The struggle to fit-in, the hormones, the peer pressure and the just plain fact that "kids can be mean".
Your comments remind me a lot of myself. You are still young an maturing, I don't believe I got to the "God I was stupid when I was teen" point until 25-27. I never went to any of my reunions (would be on my 20 year now) because there were a few I liked (who I can talk to and/or get together with) and a bunch who were really only passing acquaintances or just plain a**holes. I do not choose to shove my changes/successes in any of their faces, because I have a life, family and friends that are so much more to me now than most any of those in HS (even though that seemed like the most important thing in my life at that time)
Extremely important to relationships is communication and honesty. You have a well thought out letter here. This is a great starting point to open up even more to your wife. You don't need to go into details. Communication is sometimes the hardest thing for a man, but you have an opportunity to open up and start a dialogue with your wife so she gets to know you better. Use this as some of the building blocks of your relationship and see where it takes you ...
the reunion ... Dude, it is just another night/weekend in your life and nothing worth stressing over.
Either take her or don't go... not bringing her is a dick move and let's face it all the excuses you came up with are BS, you just want to be free to party without being bothered
Who the fuck cares about what the haters say?? Bring your hot wife and show her off! If you're afraid she'll feel left out of convos, explain that to her and if it were me I would laugh politely at jokes I don't get or find the cheese table. I'm sure the dudes you'll be hanging out with will bring their bored wives along too, so she can hang out with them. Maybe make one of them bring their bored wives and that will settle all of that. Anyways, if she's as lovely as you say she is, she'll probably just want to go to support you. And don't make any decisions out of self-consciousness. I couldn't give a fuck about the people I went to high school with and would only go to a reunion as a networking opportunity.
I read this as the OP reinvented himself in college, and maybe married a girl who was the high school cheerleader or something. Do you think she's going to judge you based on your high school friends? Do you still like them / want to stay in touch with them? That's a pretty drastic change from high school to college, but it happens. If you do want to keep talking to your old friends, maybe you can find a way to bridge the gap between the 2 groups (they've got to have something in common), but maybe not at the reunion. I personally do not think leaving your wife out of the reunion is worth the hurt she'll feel, just to show people in high school who didn't care enough /were too closed-minded about you then, that you now have a hot wife.
Now you say something