Please Advise: I think my girlfriend is trying to get pregnant.
She thinks a child will force me to commit.
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this gentleman out. You can give him advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
My girlfriend and I have been together for a while, and lately, she's been hinting at marriage. I've talked to her and told her that I don't want to get married yet, and if that's a dealbreaker, then she should treat it as such: I've seen the uglier sides of marriage and I know that I'm not in a place for that, and she seems to accept this.
We've been exclusive for long enough at this point that we don't use condoms, and Plan B has been okay for the occasional mishap. But recently, my girlfriend has been acting odd about birth control — she's missed appointments at different gynos, and she's been talking about friends of hers that have had children and how much it's changed their lives for the better. Also, The two or three times we've previously needed Plan B, we went and got it together, but the most recent time, she decided she wanted to go for herself, and I'm not sure she went at all. (I'm speculating, but I feel as though I didn't notice the same side-effects from the other times.) She's also been occasionally insisting that we use condoms, which is just bizarre, since we haven't for a year or two. I'm afraid she may be tampering with them, and I've avoided finishing while using them, but her specious reasoning ("It'll feel different") has been giving me pause. (Though I've given her the benefit of the doubt and haven't done the "fill-them-up-with-water" trick to double-check.)
I don't want to make her out to be some kind of baby-crazy woman begging for a ring, and she's smart enough to know that having a child isn't a decision lightly arrived at. But could she actually think that this could be the push over the edge I need to propose? I can't stress enough that our relationship is open and we don't have any trouble talking about issues, but am I fabricating all this? Are these various events just a stream of coincidences? Or should I sit her down and tell her I know what she's up to?
— Expecting the Unexpected
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Commentarium (72 Comments)
Bail out!
AGREED. Get the fuck away from this manipulative bitch while you still can.
Yup. Drop her like a hot rock.
If he was SURE that she was trying to get pregnant, than yeah, I would probably agree with you. Trying to make someone a father without their consent is not okay. However, the poster made it clear that he is NOT sure if she's doing this or not; it may stem from some anxiety he has about the way the relationship is going. And her behavior could be strange because of the same reason! It's unfair to crucify the woman just because he has suspicions.
If you don't trust her and you think she's capable of this...your relationship is on life-support. Sorry man. You say your relationship is open and you don't have problems talking about things, but clearly that is not true. You disbelieve her intentions; all the talk in the world is meaningless if you think the other person is being dishonest. Maybe she is or maybe she isn't trying to get pregnant to pull a commitment out of you, but whether she is or it's in your head something is unhealthy here and needs more than a quick fix.
You need to talk to her about this and keep talking, you need to be honest. You need her to be honest. You need to take her POV and wants into consideration and whether they can be reconciled to your own. Don't accuse her, but be direct about what you want and what you do not want and wanting to really know what she wants. If at the end of the day, you still feel this way and you still don't trust her or believe that you have shared wants, it might be time to ask yourself if you really want to be in this relationship with someone you think is capable of trying to "trap" you. (and again, it doesn't matter if she is or if it's in your head. It's the psychological well-being of your relationship that is in-question here. A relationship based on a fundamental distrust won't survive.)
Further, YOU need to be responsible for YOUR birth-control measures. Not the two of you, not her. YOU. (That means condoms, every time. You supply your own party hats.) You're the one that doesn't want kids yet, that onus is on you.
Well said. The onus is on you, dude. Why wonder if she tampered with condoms? Just buy your own, slip em on yourself, and be sure they're safe.
Whether she is trying to get pregnant without your knowledge or you are making it all up, one of you (at least) is completely freaking out about the state of your relationship, and the commitment -- or lack thereof -- that you have established.
I don't know if you should confront her with this theory; I can't see how that conversation will end without you guys breaking up. Either she is, and she's crazy, or she isn't, and you're crazy. What you should do is lay down in explicit terms when you plan on having children, getting married, etc. Obviously I don't know the details, but it sounds like you guys are maybe not so young. If you really don't see the relationship going anywhere, it's time to let go. Crazy baby plot off the table, it sounds like she is looking for a commitment that you are not willing to provide.
And of course, as Chan said, it is goofy that you are this paranoid and haven't taken accountability for your own BC. You are fully capable of buying your own condoms and spermicidal lube. If she asks why, say that you wanted to try an oddly shaped condom or tingly lube or something; "it'll feel different," after all.
yup
This is more a matter of trust than anything else - if you can't trust her, the relationship is already over.
If you insist on sticking around, use condoms - but condoms you provide.
yep.
Yep, as well...except for the "if you insist on sticking around" part. Just go.
I feel for your girlfriend a bit. I've heard from others that Plan B can have pretty unpleasant side effects. It seems bizarre that you've (really she) needed to use it multiple times when you don't immediately want children.
You need to figure out if think you'll ever be ready for marriage or at least children with her. It's totally fair of you not to be, but it sounds like you've only told her you're not ready at the moment, which is kind of passive. I've heard that so many times from couples who are together a decade and break up just as a women's entering the last of her reproductive years. Also, together you need to find a better approach to birth control. Maybe the condoms are due to her not wanting to need Plan B again. Maybe you're giving off signals that you don't want to use a different BC method (such as condoms).
This also underscores, what /is/ your BC method here? Withdrawal only? Is she on the pill (if so, why the Plan B repeat usage?) If you're already trusting your no-child lifestyle to only one method, especially one that's not particularly reliable, you're already signing up for fatherhood.
Agreed. My (committed) partner and I used withdrawal as our "maybe we'll have a baby this year, maybe we won't" method of BC, and, yeah: we had a baby that year. Which was fine since we were on the same page about wanting a kid, just not knowing if it would be that year or the next. But in your case, you really need as close to iron-clad a form of BC as possible. Not Plan B, but a sure Plan A: condoms every time, or you getting a vasectomy, would be the easiest and keep the ball in your court.
Yeah, I was totally confused about what kind of birth control they were using if they needed Plan B so often. Surely a guy who doesn't want babies isn't relying on withdrawal . . . right? That's just crazy.
The condom thing suggests that she's cheating on you. You're picking up on something, and maybe what you're seeing is a woman who is ready to either fully commit or move on.
@It - Well said. I'm surprised, having been through this, that no one else picked up that vibe yet. Hat's off to yer, It.
There is a greater issue here. You know that she wants to get married and you know that you don't, you say that ending it would be up to her but I think you're a coward for forcing her to make all the tough decisions. Man up.
What Mary said.
you both know you're not fulfilling each other's needs. it's time to own up to that, break up, and give each other the freedom to find a more fitting partner.
This. Plus, it would also be really helpful to know your ages and the length of the relationship. Those are kind of critical numbers that are left out of the letter. There's a big difference if "together for a while" means 2 years, while your guys are in your mid 20's versus 5 years in your 30's.
I'm with Mary. Plus as a man who's not using contraception (Plan B is not a contraception method, it's a woman's right to exercice control over her own body) you should be aware that not requiring from your girlfriend to use contraceptives could be interpreted as wanting to have a child.
@Allie
This is totally off topic, and I agree that their contraceptive plan needs a lot of work, but Plan B actually IS a contraceptive. (Just not a very effective one--other hormonal birth control pills are 99% effective per year, it's 99% effective per single use.) It stops the woman from ovulating. Not effective if she happens to have just ovulated, but effective if she was about to, which is why they recommend taking it as soon as possible after sex. (Sperm can live up to 5 days in the woman.) People sometimes confuse it with the abortion pill, which it's NOT.
So did all of you just skip over the part where he said he didn't want to get married YET? If he knows he NEVER wants to marry her, that's a different issue -- but there's nothing quite so appealing as a woman who seems to care less about the specific person she's marrying than the schedule of life events she's planned for herself. I wasn't aware that it was a man's job to either dutifully sign up for marriage on the woman's timetable, or end the relationship to avoid making her suffer through the heartbreak of having to act like an adult and take responsibility for her own needs.
There is a difference between not wanting to get married and wanting to wait for 1-3 years. If a man never wants to marry and his gf does, then the guy must man up and break up with the woman so she can find someone who does want marriage and/or children. If the man just wants to wait a few years to be certain that he wants to make a big committment with a particular woman, then he should stay with her until a) he knows he wants to make the commitment, b) he knows he doesn't want to make the commitment, or c) he starts to believe that his gf is poking holes in their condoms.
No, the onus is on the one unhappy with the relationship status to 'man up' (to use this bullshit sexist term of the year). It's unbelievable that people seem to think it is somehow appropriate or desirable for the guy to be the one responsible for relationship decisions on behalf of the woman, based on her (presumed) wishes - not too feminist of you, Mary! If you are being honest about your feelings (and it sounds like you are, EtU) then it is up to her to decide what she wants or needs to do with that.
Aside from the significant trust matter, I am stopped in my tracks by your lack of willingness to take responsibility for your reproductive future. Avoiding babies is not simply the women's responsibility (other than on her own initiative). You two may well have had the big chat together and agreed on this procedure, but all this Plan B action shows that your joint strategy isn't working, and you need to step up and take some more responsibility.
That's true without this suspicion business, but doubly so if you are unsure of how solid she is on the household game plan. Crikey! If you don't want kids, you have to own that, mate. Get a damn vasectomy, if you think this is your permanent world view: use your own condoms if it is more a here and now thing. But this 'leaving it all up to her' caper is practically asking for the very thing you're afraid of.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that found a problem with "man up".i'm an indecisive guy. Does that make me less of a "man"? Some people are indecisive, it has nothing to do with the person's gender. Makes it hard when your partner is also indecisive, though XD.
Anyway, more on the subject at hand: I don't think you have enough information to make an informed decision. You simply don't know, and that's a problem. I don't think I could honestly advise you on HOW to find out but my advice is to find out more. One last piece of advice is don't lie, or be dishonest about it unless you're really willing to live with it. Good luck!
@H
Very well put! However to answer the original question. If you think you may eventually want to marry her.. you need to have an honest and open relationship. You say you do howeve your asking us what all of those scenarios might meen. You should man up, come right out and ask her. And it doesnt have to be like whats the deal, you could casually bring up the subject to find out whats going on. However you decide to talk to her about it isnt as important as the fact that you need to talk to HER about it.
end it with this girl and find someone more on your level
But given the behavior you describe here, if she's really on your level make sure you understand the local statutory rape laws.
When a relationship is shaky, a baby is the cement needed to hold it together. You both would love the baby, love each other, the baby would love you, and you'd feel compelled to marry (because people never have children out of wedlock). Everything in your life would improve. Strangers on the street will smile at you as you push your baby in a stroller, family will drop in - unannounced - at all times of the day to see how you're doing, and employers love a family man, so expect a raise and a promotion.
What, you don't believe all this is true? Then get the hell out.
This must be sarcasm. Babys only make things worse. Babies are work, are comlicated and please this is not the fucking 50s, no one NO ONE gives raises like that anymore.
Yeah, you might want to have your sarcasm detector recalibrated. I almost slipped on the dripping irony in this comment.
Oh Jesus, I just reread it and realized that Slim was dead serious. What a twat! Babies never make a bad situation better. Idiot.
And there's a troll right there pretending to be me. Great.
I love how people here are talking about OPINIONS as if they were FACTS. Oh look! They're even spelled differently so that you can tell that they are two different things... Some people are just unbelievably egocentric...
If you distrust her this much, it's over. Either she's crazy enough to do the things you suspect she's doing or you're just a paranoid asshole. Do her a favor and break up with her and find someone you want to commit to or at least someone you trust enough not to do this sort of stuff you're so afraid of.
If it freaks you out that much, go under the knife and get a vasectomy. A week of discomfort is a small price to pay for knowing you'll never wonder if she got pregnant. Now, if THAT freaks you out and you admit you want kids at some point, it's also clear you don't want kids with this woman.
Find out what you want and get it. But this woman isn't it.
Run. Run away as fast as your legs will carry you. Don't look back, don't pause to take a breath.
Been there, done that, even have a tattered and torn T shirt that attests to my ignorance.
You're clearly trying to get out of this relationship, but you're being super passive aggressive about it. First you tell her that you don't want marriage when you know she does, but that it's "up to her" to end it. She doesn't end it, and so now you've started inventing wild scenarios where she's trying to impregnate herself on the sly. You're making her out to be baby crazy in your head so that - guess what - you can end it! Just end it, dude.
This.
I have to say, wanting to use condoms does not spell "baby crazy" to me.
Do you realize how you twisted what he said into something COMPLETELY different? You are assuming a lot and have very little evidence for it. Sigmund Freud much?
I've seen a lot of good advice listed above, but before you jump on the "Break up with her NOW!" suggestion, stop and think.
Obviously there is a lack of communication going on. Reiterate CLEARLY with no minced words that you are not ready to settle down and/or get married (even in the foreseeable future) let alone jump into the lifetime commitment of having children. Tell your girlfriend that the sudden changes in birth control methods are making you uncomfortable and you'd much rather stick to condoms (which you will supply yourself) than play roulette every time you have sex. Condoms are the safer choice anyway.
Then encourage her to be straight with you. Tell her it's important that this relationship be based on open communication and trust, and you want her to be able to be honest with you in every aspect. Urge her to be open even if she's afraid that her wants are different from yours. Otherwise, the relationship will never have a chance.
no more goo for your gal.
Well, to start it is unclear what your current birth control method is. It sounds like you either pulling out or on the rhythm method and backing that up with Plan B. This is not a reliable or even practical way to ensure there is not a pregnancy. Since you put pregnancy on this shaky foundation, it would be rather easy for her to get pregnant on "accident."
Ultimately, you should have this conversation with your girlfriend, not with an advice columnist. Tell her that you meant what you said about marriage -- that you simply are not ready. And that is totally find. Also tell her that it seems your birth control methods unreliable and inconsistent and you would like to get on a schedule that has a better chance of actually preventing a pregnancy (perhaps you should not go with Pfizer...).
I cant tell which one of you is have a hopefully temporary moment of insanity.
A relationship needs both people to be honest, even if that honesty will kill the relationship. Only by being willing to kill the relationship, can you make it great. If you're dishonest with yourself or your partner, the relationship will just fall apart eventually anyway. With honesty, both parties can adapt, or decide to leave. If they adapt, you'll be building a better union for both of you.
Agreed.
If she can't be honest, you not well-served by being bound to her, especially by means of creating new life.
A certain class of women do this kind of thing pretty routinely, and as far as I'm concerned this type of crime is incompatible with having a good life. Google the statistics on this subject.
Having a child without consent is a very grave crime, especially to commit toward someone to extends the trust and goodwill found in intimate relationship.
If you don't trust your partner, take this seriously. Do you have trust issues in general? Could you be projecting? If not, do an honest assessment of your partner, and do not delay acting.
Hire slow, fire today.
What birth control are you using that would necessitate the use of Plan B several times? I usually associate Plan B for when a condom breaks. I suppose you could take it if you're on the pill, maybe, but I'm not sure if you can?
Yes, you can take Plan B while on the pill- if a pill is missed for example. That said, as several people have already pointed out, Plan B use is meant to be occasional emergency backup contraception, not a substitute for a safe, reliable, and consistent method.
Interesting problem here. Confronting your gf is going to be a risk: Your suspicions could be intelligent and well-founded, or you could be the most paranoid, narcissistic fool ever.
Either way, you have been an idiot for not using condoms this whole time, and kind of selfish for placing the burden of birth control on your girlfriend.
Condoms all the time, and TALK TO HER ABOUT THIS. But not like, accusingly or anything. Just ask her about the birth control weirdness, and also spell out your not wanting marriage/a kid just yet.
Although my gut reaction to this was for you to run far, far away. There is a special circle of hell for women who try to trap men by getting pregnant. (I'm a woman, and every time I hear about it I get a little embarrassed. We're not all manipulative psychotics, I swear.)
Hell, I'm a psychotic who requires my boyfriend to go out with his friends because if he doesn't it makes me feel like one of those manipulative psychotics. (Does that make sense?)
why do men think it is the woman's problem to use BC? be a man, get your own condoms, or get your tubes tied if you really don't want kids.
also, using plan b as the primary birth control method seems odd. i don't think its really meant to be used regularly, but maybe that's just my perception?
Condoms suck, and it's not only men who think so. Vasectomy's out if you want to have kids in the future, just not now. When there's a form of birth control for men that's comparable to the pill, or an IUD, then you'll have a legit beef with guys who don't use it. Otherwise, spare us the "be a man" crap, unless you want to get told to "be a woman" when people think you're not properly fitting into your own assigned gender role.
The pill/IUD/etc can suck. (And a lot more expensive) A tubal is out if you want kids in the future. If you want to have sex but not have kids it's on BOTH people to work out a birth control plan.
Open an account at a sperm bank. Make a few deposits. Get the snip.
No more dulled-down sensation; future no longer in other people's hands. Aaaah, that feels better.
It is not rocket science.
If she is on birth control and Plan B was for missed pills, consider that just maybe she doesn't like her birth control and would prefer using condoms instead (some women get side effects from the pill). Ask her if this is the case and see how she responds. If this isn't the case, or you don't trust her response, then it's time to take some of the other posters' advice and consider an exit strategy.
"She's also been occasionally insisting that we use condoms, which is just bizarre, since we haven't for a year or two."
Allow me to decipher for you:
You have completely abdicated your responsibility to prevent a pregnancy and handed all of the responsibility over to your girlfriend. And while that is a pretty sweet deal for you, she not only gets to handle ALL of the responsibility for an activity that requires the both of you, but she also gets to navigate the "nausea, breast tenderness, changes in period", and other various side effects of your mishaps.
LW, you have planted the seeds of dissatisfaction, and a forest has surely sprung in its wake.
Not only that, but you are too blinded by your "little head" to use your "big head" to see what is taking shape around you in this relationship. You have no trust in your relationship, a girlfriend who is asking you to use condoms (probably because she hates the aftermath of your "mishaps"), and you're so worried about having a baby yet you have completely side-stepped low-cost options (CONDOMS!) designed to prevent such issues.
In short, good luck with the 18 years of child support once she oopses you in her rage at your masterful passive-aggressiveness.
I'd love to know why requiring the use of Plan B is "his mishap" and not "their mishap". Proper birth control in a relationship is the responsibility of both parties, not just one. She's just as much at fault for not insisting on some form of birth control as he is.
Call her bluff and proclaim your deep kinkiness: shift to an oral-only sex life. And anal, of course.
It's very very very simple. You're paranoid. I'm pretty sure she took your word at face value. If you want proof, she even insists that you wear a condom. As to plan B, it's not that great of a feeling for a woman to get it - and maybe that's why she's avoiding getting it, and why she's (making you use) condoms.
And if she's got baby fever, after all - well.... there's not that much you can do. She has the right to have a child, as long as she doesn't expect you to get involved.
And yes, talk to her. I'm sure you're smart enough to know when she's telling the truth and when she's not - in a conversation.
agreed! This guy is nuts! And pinning his insanity on the girl! Nothing unusual here!
The relationship went along just fine as long as nothing was expected of it. But enter the suggestion that it *should* go somewhere and you shy away. Then you try to rationalize your feelings by scrutinizing her behaviour...and reaching conclusions which may or may not be valid. Perhaps she has not changed, but your view of the comfortable/no-strings-attached atmosphere has. You will, from this point forward, only seek to find fault in your current relationship until one or both of you quit it - then you'll be free to find another no committment situation and your life will go on. Recognize the pattern. Break the cycle or stop wasting other's time.
Ever thought that you're giving your girlfriend mixed signals? You tell her you're not ready for marriage "yet" and that if she wants to get married NOW, she needs to leave and find someone else. On one hand, you're suggesting that you MIGHT one day be ready to marry her (because if you really didn't ever want to marry her, or if you never wanted to get married, period, you would either tell her this or leave her); on the other; you're implying you don't much care if she stays or goes. Then you compound this with--as far as anyone can tell from the letter--having the kind of sex with her that is typically had by committed couples who are open to having babies, like the guy who wrote in above with the "shall we have a baby this year or next year?" story. I have no idea or not whether she's trying to get pregnant, and I agree that the baby-trap is despicable. But I can also see that she might be reading your behaviour as saying that you wouldn't mind all that much. Tell her you don't want to marry anyone, ever. Get your own condoms and wear them religiously. And then see if she sticks around.
The relationship issues have been pretty well covered here, and are definitely worth considering. Aaaand, having been with a (really fucked up, by her own description) woman who wanted a baby more than a relationship, your fears may be justified. As for the condoms, pinch the tip, and see if it holds air. If not, somebody's has some 'splainin' to do. Just make sure you have a good seal, as in already on your dick, before you do the test. Good luck, it sounds like you're going to need it, one way or another. BTW, I don't have any kids, though I'd love to, with the right woman!
Run. Drop a load in her brown-eye then run. Fast.
ROFLMAO Bcuk I'm down wit' dat bro! Drop a load in her brown-eye then kick her in the eye then grab your video cam and run fast, then upload. Damn brown-eye!
Trolly McTrollinpants must really admire me.
I'm sorry, but WHY are you using Plan B as your birth control? That makes absolutely no sense. I assume that means that neither she nor you are taking other means to prevent a pregnancy (otherwise how would you know when you "need" Plan B?), so you're just, what, pulling out? I don't mean to sound insensitive, but if THAT is your primary birth control, you deserve an unwanted baby.
What strikes me as disturbing is that you are basically using abortion as a birth control. Although I think women should have that right, morally it just seems wrong. Get her on birth control or get your nuts sniped, they can reverse it when you are ready for children.
I would sit her down and explain to her what your are thinking, if your relationship is as open as you think it is, she will be upfront with you.
Plan B is horrible to take all the time. And Isnt meant for a long term birth control. A one two times a year, fine, but every time you cum into her? No. She needs real birth control. And you need real birth control. I don't expect my fiance to get me my birth control. I'm charged with that. And you need to take responsibility for your own birth control.
Also coming online to talk about your problems shows you dont communicate well in your current relationship...
If you dont trust her its not going to work out..I would ask her though and tell her what you are thinking..
Now you say something