Please Advise: I'm going to see my ex for the first time. How do I take the high road?
One reader moves back to the small town where her ex — and his new girlfriend — live. Hooksexup readers weigh in.
Wise readers,
Each week, the inbox of our venerable advice columnist, Miss Information, is flooded with queries. And although she makes a valiant effort, she cannot answer them all. To deal with the surplus, we've decided to turn to you. So, don your spectacles and help this woman out. You can give her advice in the comments below, or, if you'd like to share what you wrote with your friends, on our Facebook page.
Dear Hooksexup,
At the beginning of the year I had a very messy affair with a coworker in a city I've been living in part-time. He was cheating with me on his partner of ten years, and he was an emotionally abusive guy. I was in a "rock-bottom" phase of my life for a variety of reasons, and like so many people, rather than breaking it off, I kept going back for more. Our relationship ended abruptly when his partner broke up with him and, less than twenty-four hours later, he very happily announced to me that he was trading me in for someone else and I watched them go home together. I cut off all communication with him and left town to get distance, heal, and rebuild my completely destroyed emotional and mental state.
I've made a lot of progress really quickly and I am "over it" in the more immediate visceral sense, but I know the deep scars won't go away for a while. The problem is that, in a few weeks, I am going to move back to the city where my abusive ex lives, and the reality of running into him (and his new girlfriend) is creeping up. As strong as I feel and even with the confidence I've built, I am not sure how I should deal with the situation when it arises. It's not like running into any other ex — very few people knew we were having an affair, and I haven't talked to anyone other than my therapist about it.
I really want nothing to do with him, but it's a small town and we know a lot of the same people. Run-ins are inevitable. I want to continue to take the high road, but I am not sure how to even be civil to this person who did and said the most hurtful things I've ever experienced. How should I comport myself?
— Disturbed Behavior
Help her out in the comments below. Got a question of your own? Email .
Commentarium (62 Comments)
Just play it cool. He's a douche, you are/were a fuck-up, life goes on. Just make sure you do not engage him in any significant way. Say hello when you see him. Keep it short, plain, and away from anything remotely personal.
Acting friendly and nonchalant really goes a long way. I had an ex who went really spiteful on me in public and I just acted completely normal. "Oh hi, nice to see you - how've you been?" They were so caught off-guard that it just sort of defused/ended the whole thing. Spiteful people want you to be spiteful back to them because it makes them not look crazy. When you act normal, it just makes them look petty/crazy.
Be sure to set the tone for the conversation. If you are all smiles and nonchalant, the conversation will stay on the surface, which is right where it should stay.
Keeping it plain is best. I have had this same problem, except now they have kids. Really, the only way to keep your cool, your cover, and your reputation as a non-crazy person is to either pretend they don't exist, or spit out hello then walk away.
Before my humiliating dumping, something similar happened to another acquaintance in my social circle; she went full-force negative and crazy. As a result, she ended up alienating a lot of people who had been sympathetic or neutral, and drove them into her exhusband's camp, simply because she was so vicious.
It sucks. I know.
Kill em with kindness. When you do run into them, be your best, most charming self- then get the hell out as fast as possible.
My favourite tactic for most situations. Bonus: Nothing pisses people of a certain type off more than being super nice to them.
Agree!
Pretend nothing ever happened, as if you were re-aquainting yourself with old friend. Maintain your own happy life.
Living well is the best revenge!
agreed
While it may seem tempting, being too nice might make him think you're willing to be his backup sperm receptacle again, and if you're not strong enough to resist this time, it'll get messy again. Just be civil and try to avoid any extended time in his vicinity.
I agree with JCF. Be civil but cool and totally uninterested in having more than a passing conversation. Being completely polite but frosty (bonus points for managing to fake smile at them) also can piss people off, and you don't actually have to be smiling and nice.
Also, only answer in short phrases. For example, if he asks how you're doing, "Fine." Then don't say anything else, just act a little bored and cool. You can also totally ignore him unless he approaches you, and then after a little bit of supremely awkward chitchat (you're in control and all you have to do is stand there with only minimal talking), excuse yourself to get a drink, etc. Best of luck. Also, don't look for him, just pretend you have no expectations that he'll be there.
I don't think a bitchy "Fine" is taking the high road.
But why does she have to take the high road all the way? Fine is polite enough; she's just not enthused to be in the conversation. Also, why specifically would this be bitchy?
Keep it simple and short. I'd say ignoring them is ok unless he says hello first. Than a quick hello is ok. Just exude confidence and positivity, you'll be ok.
All of the above advice are on the right track. Smile, keep your cool and stay polite. Don't engage him beyond any obligatory "hello" and other surface conversation. People's inner character really don't change that much so chances are high that he'll mess up again. Just be glad he's in your history - not your future.
The above advice is pretty good. Be confident, super nice, etc. He was a dick about the way he ended it, but you knew that he was using you as an "on the side"! As you are "the other woman" it is invalid to be unhappy or emotionally destroyed. You're the reason his partner of 10 years broke up with him? Probably. As for the new woman, are you really surprised given his history?
But to answer your question, just act like you don't care about him, and kiss other dudes. That will make him jealous and then you can go back to kissing him!
stupidest advice I've ever read.
@howdy: when giving advice, you want to avoid literally invalidating their feelings. And the last bit is way off the mark.
Thanks T! howdy is really way off-course here.
Thank goodness "disturbed behaviour" can recognize bad advice when she sees it.
A little obvious. 3/10 for this attempt, howdy.
Cute shoes.
ha! I know, first thing I noticed too
Nice luggage too!
All good advice, but I think the key to pulling off the kindness is to feel gratitude that you're not the one who is with him now. He will certainly cheat on his current partner, and that is never going to be your problem. Be grateful to him, and pity her.
I would be distant, but civil. PS- Looking good is the best revenge.
I think a bit of vagueness wouldn't hurt when running into your nasty ex. Spend a split second trying to remember who he is, issue a bland "how ya doing," but don't wait for the answer, and shuffle off. You don't need to touch him or anyone else to whom he tries to introduce you. Ignore any extended hand or proffered cheek, move away from any hug, and again move on. Since others don't know you're acquainted, if someone introduces you to him, issue a vague "we've met" and move away. If the introducer asks what's up, just say you worked together and don't get along and then change the subject. You're not obliged to explain the reason, which, when it comes to co-workers, could be pretty much anything.
We worked in a bar together, so people do know we are acquainted. People thought we were friends, they just didn't realise it was beyond that. I do like your advice though. I was highly considering the vague "who are you again?" move, but wondered if that would border on immature. Vagueness is not my strongest suit, but I will work on it!
I wouldn't recommend the "who are you again?" vague approach. If you act like you're over it, you will be over it, and if he's convinced that you're confident and normal, then it shouldn't trigger any psychotic behaviour from him. My suggestion is to just be yourself, comfortable, civil, but not TOO friendly - in order to avoid giving him any signals he can misinterpret. Don't give him any ammunition... you've moved on.
I would be more worried about running into his partner of 10 years but that's just me. And frankly, I don't get the "kill him with kindness" advice. I would avoid him at all costs and, when cornered, be just barely polite. If it is such a small town, people will know so it's best that you are finished with him. completely.
I would be too, but she lived in another country and I never so much as saw a picture of her. Thanks for your wise words!
Find a super-hot guy to hang on your arm while following the advice above would twist the knife a bit as well.
Yes, having a hot/decent guy (even just a friend who is pretending) will help. Show off a little. And, while it might be the best to be polite and short, I find that, if he starts slandering you in any way, it is nice to let out a short string of curses then walk away. He will be astounded you freely cursed him in public, which will typically render him speechless. From then on, smile as you walk by and don't even say a word. Of course, others around you might wonder what he ever did to you...
I disagree. Twisting the knife will probably mean nothing to him, and only reinforce in your own psyche that you aren't over it, and/or want revenge, none of which are healthy. Be healthy, be well, and be above it. Don't lower yourself to his level.
What ts and Ugh said.
Be so very nice, polite, and kind whenever you interact with this dude. Act like him dumping you was the best thing he could have done for you, and you're grateful that he did it, and he'll wonder if you ever really cared for him at all. Eventually you'll realize it's true.
I love it. Excellent words.
I would sort of run through a few "first meeting" scenarios, either by yourself or with your therapist, before you move back so you can keep your cool when you see him. If you see him out, evaluate the situation. If it's obvious that you've seen him, wave and say hi there, and maybe go back to doing whatever it was you were previously doing. He might ignore you. If he does, roll your eyes, chuckle to yourself, and remind yourself that he just made himself look like a douche.
If you are out and you spot him (across the room at a bar or a show or something) you can involve yourself with other things/people and let him say hi to you first, if he spots you. Then you can act surprised to see him and say hi and be gracious, but not overly friendly.
Your best bet is to probably put yourself out there and start dating other people. Nothing says "hands off and I'm over you" like a new boyfriend.
I'd go along with most of that minus the kindness part. I say treat him as you would someone you've met once or twice and haven't formed an opinion about. How do you treat those people? If forced to be face to face you say "hey, how's it going?" but have nothing much else to say and in passing, a nod. You owe nothing more and it shows him he didn't defeat you. Little white lie at first, yes, but it will be true soon enough.
Your therapist would most likely be the right person to ask, really. In the mean time just make sure you are totaly aware that this person is not only an abuser but that he abused you. You need not to show any sort of kindness...
The fact that you are thinking about it so much right now is a signal that you really aren't as over this as you think. So, be prepared that his response to you, be it too kind, mean, or indifferent is going to have an impact on you and so you need to be prepared for the sock in the gut that is going to come. Everyone above is correct - be nonchalant and cordial. I'm going to give a very specific piece of advice: Do not ask him/them any questions about themselves. Even if you mean to be social the, "how are you two doing?" or "are you going to Joe's party this weekend" can be interpreted in ways that will make it seem like you care more than you do. Keep all conversations brief and superficial, "did Karen make this pie? it's fantastic!" or "did I hear that the coffee shop was going to close?". And, rehearse the inevitable phrase, "oh, goodness, you'll need to excuse me. I just saw Sara and I need to ask her a question." (You'll note that I did not suggest, "it was good to see you, but I just saw Sara and...")
Like I said, I'm over the initial passionate feelings of sadness/hurt/rage/vengeance that follow a breakup. I am still pretty bitter. I definitely don't think I'm totally over it. And I think you're totally right that no matter what, even seeing his face will give me a kick in the gut. That's really why I needed the advice, because I'm very unsure how to keep control after getting a the internal gut-kick.
I'm really into your not-asking-questions advice though, and I wholeheartedly agree. That one is high on the list. Thank you!
I go with the general advice others have given: Kill him with kindness. If that doesn't work, you can just kill him.
Uncomfortable amounts of eye contact. It works in mysterious ways.
Hahahaha! Awesome. If all else fails, I'll give it a shot.
Personally, I don't like that suggestion.
You have low self esteem for accepting to be the other woman in a jerk' s life all that time, and you still have it since you are obviously still attracted to him and fearing what you might fell/do when you see him. There is no high way, but avoid this person and not talking to him.. Such disturbed individuals must not be given the impression that what they do is alright, think higher than just yourself, if no one in their life shows them how wrong they behave, they will never get a hint it's not ok.
Do not think about his actual partner, do not dwell on "why her", he is the only guilty one there, who knows and who cares what's up with her, the cheater is the common bad factor here. Don't make the mistake on picking on her and see him in a better light.
Have your own good and satisfying life or if you already have it meditate at your happy and strong points, and find the strength to consider he doesn't exist anymore.
Too weak women cultivate abusive men, remember that.
I guess I agree? Not to bash or judge the OP, but I think its kind of interesting that you decided to be with a cheating douchebag and then were surprised that he was callous with your feelings?! Doucebags by definition, are douchebags. To current and past girlfriends alike. If you choose to be with a douchebag, protect your heart!
Still, sorry you got hurt. :(
I did have very low self-esteem at the time, you are right. I n0 longer do. As soon as I left, it was as if the entire situation was an alternate life and I really had to take a hard look at myself and thought "what were you doing? who were you? WHAT WAS THAT!?" You do entirely misconstrue that I am still attracted to him or validate his actions though, but you see it your way. I can't say ever really had "why her?" feelings because I know that with people like him, it's never about the individual, it's a pathological behaviour. It could have been anyone, it would have made no difference. I agree on that point.
I have definitely seen the weakest side of myself, and I didn't like who I was, and want to do everything I can to never become that person again. That is the real motivation behind needing this advice. It's been easy to stay strong while I've been out of that environment, but it's kind of like visiting the old high school you were tormented at. Thank you for the supportive words to be strong and be happier.
Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all had low esteem at one point or another. It's what life is all about, a series of steps to raise yourself up.
Just Be cool. If anything "act" like youv'e moved on. In time you'll trully will feel that way. They don't deserve any of your energy. Don't give them the satisfaction. My ex-wife 0f 17 years,split for a horrible ,wretched,physically ugly repugnent dyke. This sub-human letch actually smelled bad too. Evil does exist. Yet my ex was equally a creep. I learned my lesson. Stay away from fuked up people. Let the creetons hang 2gether,and make fun of them! Nothing against gays,I,m just sick of them pushing their fuked up agenda on normal society,which would cease to exist if we were all fukn qweers.
www. luckyvogue. com
Role play! practice saying ALOUD - to your mirror or with a friend - exactly the polite, unemotional words you plan to use when you see him. Your therapist can help with the script. that way you won't be tongue-tied or draw a blank when you are in the moment!
Also, don't bother trying to make him feel jealous or guilty about anything - that kind of person won't feel any of that.
Whatever you do, do not accept any other contact - whether by phone, text, or cornering you as his date goes to the ladies. he may want to interact just to get off on the fact that he has power over you - even if he wants to "apologize." don't answer his call, answer his text or spend a second in a one-on-one conversation - no matter how tempted you may be to hear what he has to say. He sounds like a really rotten guy - stay away and continue living your new life. Good luck!
That's a good idea. Thanks for the suggestion and the support!
Thank you all for your input and perspectives on this! I really appreciate your comments and help.
I was in this same position, well, at least similar a while ago. The question of 'how can I even be civil' floated about my mind. I will share with you the advice I got on this topic from my therapist: Be honest above all. You don't have to be too nice not be aloof. Just let yourself act honestly on your emotions.
Sure, it may not be the nicest thing for him, but you need to respect yourself above his feelings, for once. It's crucial so you don't walk away critizing yourself and regretting saying this or that.
I'm not saying yell at him in public (really, I get that you don't want to make a scene), if you encounter each other with friends and you can't handle it... don't. Just ignore him.
But from the tone of your letter, you need closure. So, whether or not a 'run in' happens, you most likely want to see him, for whatever reason. When this happens, be honest with yourself. Be honest with your emotions. Be honest with your actions. Have no regrets with what you did/didn't say.
I agree. I LOVED my ex-wife. Then life happened. If I see her again,I'll will ignore her. Note , I said I loved her (at 1 time in my life). That time has been over 4 a while now. U dont't get over it over night. Yet You don't get tread on forever either. B cicil.
Stop obsessing. Treat him as you would any other former colleague with whom you didn't get along. That mean be polite, but don't engage in any more interaction than is required by the situation. No time, gotta run, need to make a phone call, just on my way to a meeting, etc, etc, etc. And if anyone notices some tension and asks, just say that it's nothing, you worked together, didn't get along that well, just a personality conflict. Period. Never say one word more than that. It's nobody's business and any attempt to make him look bad will just make you look bad. Bygones!
If you can see them for the first time as a couple in a place where he knows lots of the people around them, this is perfect. Go up to them warmly, and say, "It is so good to see you again, and to meet you, Samantha. You two seem a lot better matched than we ever were as a couple; it's good to see you were able to move on after I started seeing Ben. Well, gotta run, I have a date at 3."
Agree with what's been said above. But also:
Pack only your favorite clothes, and go out with your hair and makeup done. That way, if/when you run into them, you'll have the extra boost from knowing you look your best. Superficial? Oh, sure. Worth it, just in case? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Do what everyone here says and be vaguely cordial. If it were me, I'd add some petty warfare. If he owned a car, I'd try to find it and pour sugar in the gas tank or stick tacks in the tires. Karma takes way too long to even the score.
most of this advice is good, but it's nothing you didn't already know. if the angry spiteful part of yourself takes the reins while you're talking to/about him, you know what, that's to be expected. he's a dicksmack and he deserves to feel like one. just don't go too heavy on the acid tongue or you will look like a psychopath. you really have no obligation to be nice to this person. you are perfectly justified, actually, in pretending that he does not exist.
as for being constantly groomed and blahblahblah, well that's crap, don't drive yourself crazy.
Geez, that's unbeliaevble. Kudos and such.
Now you say something