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The Art of Surprise

Now, if somehow you and your lover end up banned from the neighborhood Whole Foods, or just get sick of cleaning pudding off the bed frame, all is not lost. Your favorite gender-mags contain a whole host of other tips you can use to shake things up. There are far too many to enumerate them all, but here are some gems: 

"34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door." The other two thirds might think it's alarmingly compulsive, but we think that's a chance worth taking. Go on, "ambush him." If he freaks out, at least you've got those salty snacks on hand.

For you girls too shy for the stealth hummer, you can still just mutely grab his junk.

"Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he's had a hellish day... He really doesn't want to answer questions like, 'Are you okay?'... but your caress still sends the message that you're picking up his vibe." Translation: for you girls too shy for the stealth hummer, you can still just mutely grab his junk. It's a guaranteed way to feel like a sexbot without having to kneel on the kitchen floor.

Boys shouldn't discount the art of surprise either. From the good folks over at Maxim, we learn that "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking." Now, that's a statistic with an encouraging subtext if we've ever seen one: a whopping one in five women don't care if you "attempt anal sex" without asking. Hell, they might even like it! The article doesn't specify if this "surprise" is only welcome mid-intercourse, or if crowded elevators and ATM lines are also fair game, but we suggest you go for it.

Basically, this April, your love life is going to be like a make-your-own-smoothie booth at summer camp — nonsensical, laborious, and very messy. We're pretty certain that there aren't enough nights in the month for you to wear out all these zany tips, but, if you find yourself in a rut of fruitless sex, chin up. May is just around the corner.

FIND MORE
Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life: March Edition - Maxim and Cosmo on cheating.
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Sex Advice From Strippers

Commentarium (20 Comments)

Apr 07 10 - 9:25am
lees

i'm sorry because i think there was something here that was interesting maybe, but i just...i just don't understand. the writing is just....confusing.

Apr 07 10 - 9:52am
BB

I like this concept but the writing is all over the place. Is there some sort of inside joke I am not getting? Kinda funny, very confusing...

Apr 07 10 - 10:47am
sx

isn't giving oral with mango in your mouth kind of a choking hazard?

Apr 07 10 - 11:47am
zzz

What is confusing? These are ridiculous ideas, and the author is making fun of them...

Apr 07 10 - 1:20pm
zcxx

I think it's just the fact that there's no way to distinguish between what was from Cosmo and the Men's Magazines, unless explicitly referenced, and even then they kept jumping back and forth. They needed a bit of formatting, whether it be bold, or italics, or hell quotations that were consistent as the authors writing style kept blurring into the actual articles. They were humorously similar which I'm unsure was an effect of doing the research, or just a hilarious irony.

Apr 07 10 - 1:28pm
ap

I can't stop laughing! I happen to read cosmo this month... not a usual reading for me... and know exactly what the author is talking about....

too funny! I too find some of the tips a little bit stupid (in cosmo)

And the part of one in five women don't care if you "attempt anal sex" without asking... I don't think so. U have to ask!!!!

Apr 07 10 - 1:41pm
EF

This didn't make me horny...just hungry! Way to go MH & Cosmo.

Apr 07 10 - 4:16pm
ST

Your confusion confuses me.

Apr 07 10 - 8:11pm
jct

Methinks that mango tip is really for the girls. Mmm... mango.

Apr 08 10 - 2:58am
rew

agree with zcxx. confusing

Apr 08 10 - 5:56am
rew

agree with zcxx. confusing

Apr 08 10 - 1:31pm
rain

summer+sex+food= stickymess. what are you thinking magazines?

Apr 10 10 - 12:06am
RWL

hard science from MD/Cinnabon lobbyist = hilarious

Apr 09 10 - 7:42pm
mr.T

surprise anal ftw!

Apr 10 10 - 12:32pm
DA

I thought this was funny! I certainly don't want to be turned into a juicer or my body to be salted!

May 13 10 - 1:59am
monica stevens

Sex is not something that must be done regularly or routinely. This mindset just kills all the excitement and fun out of sex dating. I have read this interesting story about sex tips. Getting more info visit this site :
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Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
Cialis Rezeptfrei

MVKD0Y Extremely easy by words but in reality�, a lot of things don`t correspond. Not everything is so rosy!!!

Sep 07 11 - 7:21am
kaufen generic Ciali

vrL6m7 Stupid article!!!

Dec 02 11 - 2:27pm
OSBORNEKarin33

I took my first mortgage loans when I was 32 and that aided my family very much. But, I need the credit loan again.

Mar 28 12 - 11:24am
Mark

Well Ciali it is not really stupid I think u missunderstood it.
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