I agree with you that we rarely hear about successful marriages that are open. How do I know? I just discovered that my parents are swingers — and they have been married for twenty-six years!
My husband, almost exactly ten years older than me, confessed a cuckold fetish to me shortly before our fifth anniversary. I said no, but a seed was planted: whenever I would develop a crush on another man, it would occur to me that I could sleep with him if I wanted to. Five years later, my boyfriend of two years, who happens to be exactly ten years younger than me, was one of the guests at our ten-year anniversary party. My boyfriend is a good-looking grad student who adores me and values my husband’s advice about his education and career plans. He treats my husband with the perfect blend of affection and contempt. (“Gratitude and attitude,” my boyfriend calls it.) I enjoy my boyfriend, but I love my husband more than ever. My husband is not allowed to have sex with other women (he doesn’t want to, anyway), and he’s not allowed to have sex with me without my boyfriend’s permission (which he usually — though not always — gets). Our families would be appalled. We simply don’t live in a part of the country, or move in social circles, where we could be honest about any of this with anyone.
From the outside, my husband and I look like a boring vanilla married couple. In fact, people have included me in judgmental conversations about open relationships. But the truth is, for nearly as long as we’ve been together (three-plus years), we’ve had a semiopen relationship. My husband is bi. When he told me after a few months of dating, years of Savage Love reading helped me to keep an open mind. Long story short: we worked out rules that were mutually agreeable. Now he can hook up safely with guys and come home to a loving wife with whom he can be completely honest.
I’m a happily married woman… and so is my girlfriend. Maybe it’s cowardly of us, but no matter how simple our relationship seems to us, the people we care about would not understand. Yes, we do this with our husbands’ blessing. (We even double-date from time to time!) No, there’s nothing lacking in our marriages. Our parents, relatives, children, friends, and coworkers know we’re close. But I don’t see the need to tell anyone the entire truth. I was on the fence about sending this e-mail — that’s how little fuss we make about it. Then I thought, if I do send it, and if enough people send their stories, maybe one day we can go public and it won’t be a big fucking deal. That’d be awesome.
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Commentarium (26 Comments)
this is really sweet and endearing. I'm glad that we're seeing another side. 26 years of happily swingin' marriage. That's pretty cool. Thanks Dan Savage.
I feel as though you only see certain people as "smug and insecure monogamists," when in reality, they just choose a different lifestyle than you generally support here. Why so aggressive? I'm in a monogamous relationship. I don't care if other people aren't and I don't think they are destined to fail. Try having an open mind.
Rj, why so defensive? He's not talking about you. He's talking about the smug and insecure monogamists.
I'm in a monogamous relationship, and I have the same attitude as Rj. I don't care how others swing their relationships, but that's not the lifestyle I want., because I don't enjoy casual sex & relations. I know some people Dan would probably call "smug monogamists", who equate love to exclusivity. But the argument there isn't that non-exclusive relationships never work out or the people involved aren't happy; their argument is that real love merits total focus of emotional and physical affection on one person. I think Dan, if he wants to defend his stance to monogamists (why?), needs to address that stance instead.
Sorry Jen but even your use of the term 'real love' makes it clear why people have to make the case for alternative ways to approach relationships. 'Real Love' is not how you or I define it but is defined by the two people in that relationship. Even more than that, I think there is a message here to help mongamists as well, which is that the over the course of a long term relationships two people can lose that 'focus' at times (or even just once) and still love each other and stay together.
"real love merits total focus of emotional and physical affection" - who sets up these social constructions-definitions. if people want to extend emotional and physical love with friends and lovers in addition to their partners, how do you define what that looks like. I 've been dating this lady for 1.5 years and we have had dates with friends who are willing to extend their friendship into the bedroom. we are sweet with people who we respect and wanna build friendships with. who made it only acceptable for two people to get naked in the confines of their bedroom?
I thing the key term was "smug" monogamists. The concept is not that *all* monogamists are smug, and thus the tone of weary annoyance is directed only towards those smug ones. If I say, "I can't stand dishonest c0-workers" no one is going to get all in a huff that I am implying that all co-workers everywhere are dishonest. Er . . . are they?
The vast majority of my monogamous friends have attitudes ranging from total acceptance (as in, it's not even an issue worth discussing, except maybe to ask whether I'm bringing my husband or my boyfriend, or both, to the party so they know how many plates to lay on), to mild amusement (at one point when I had a secondary and an FWB, a friend said something along the lines of, "God, I can barely stand to have one man around. How can you tolerate three?"). Do I have smug monogamist friends? Not that I know of. If I do, they keep their smugness to themselves. Yes, I have friends who say, "That wouldn't work for me." And that's just logical. Being monogamous wouldn't work for me, so we can agree that it's super neat that humans are different, and go on to talking about something more interesting, like whether The Pale King is a great work of existentialist literature or a cry for help.
Just make sure your husband isn't an emotionally/verbally abusive POS before opening the door to this sort of thing. An explosive divorce and a year of therapy later I'm OK... I totally recognize that this could work - just make sure your self esteem is through the roof and your partner actually loves you first. Tell at least a few close friends about it - isolation is a hallmark of emotional abuse and a good friend won't make you feel ashamed and provides a valuable dose of reality. If your partner finds someone and you don't eventually you'll realize that they have 2 people to love them and now you're only getting 1/2 the original amount of attention... it hurts. Honestly I think it would work best if 2 couples dated each other which is probably why swinging is so common.
Damn, I came here hoping for Santorum bashing. Maybe next week.
Hahah, what will happen to poor Dan when Santorum gets elected! Okay, just kidding.. but imagine.
I kind of secretly hope ol Ricky boy does get elected president, just so I can giggle to myself every time I hear "President Santorum" on the news. Of course I'm Canadian.
What will happen to Savage if Santorum is elected? Most likely he will be destined to a life of mediocrity and anonymity. So, no change really.
Bad news, DH. When Santorum is elected, the teenage dork definition of "santorum" will be shifted to "canadian." Sorry.
More please!
Yes, more more! These stories are refreshing to hear...so open and honest, if you will. ;)
The second commentor is not an example of "successful monogamish" relationships ... he's an example of a POS who cheated on his wife. Apparently it was more important to be honest with the women he was meeting in order to arrange an affair than it was to be honest with his wife.
Oh, and I'm not a "smug monogamous person"; I'm in an open relationship. But we're honest.
You are so right. For some reason when I read it, all the mentionings of "honesty" made me think his wife knew all about it but it was definitely worth a re-read. That's flat-out cheating.
Totally agreed. I don't think there's anything wrong with dating or sleeping with more than one person at a time, provided that everyone involved is being honest with one another, all agree on what they want and what is acceptable, sex is safe, and the balance of power is roughly equal (i.e. not a situation where Person A is desperately in love with and only wants Person B and is hoping Person B will come to feel the same way, while Person B sleeps with Persons C, D, and E without regard to Person A's feelings).
I admit that the whole "monogamish" thing isn't for me at least in cases where I'm serious about someone, but if a couple agrees on it and is honest with each other, then that's their business and right to construct a relationship in ways that make both parties happy.
Oh, you're just a couple of smug moralists. People should get away with anything I determine is OK. Just so you know, anyone who doesn't agree with my perverted view of the world is smug and can go eat canadian as far as I'm concerned.
But you can't deny that the man's technique for cheating is good.
Yeah, the second guy is a scumbag. Sorry, but if your needs aren't being met, you tell your partner. If your partner agrees to an arrangement that enables your needs to be met, fantastic. If not, perhaps it's time to consider separation. The author of this letter not only betrayed his wife with his dishonesty but exposed her to infections she didn't know she was exposed to. How often does a condom break? The affair went on for years. Not only that, but the many strains of HPV and herpes are frequently spread through the skin surrounding the area covered by a condom. This man's behaviour is disgusting.
On a lighter note, I would like to say that eating Canadians can be a very pleasurable experience!
Im also in a monogam-ish relationship (with a fairly large age difference) and damnit it is SO great to read other people's success stories, shows me that we are not so alone. These are truly beautiful Dan, I hope you do make a book and show everyone that its really not so uncommon.
Agreeing with the comments about the second letter. It's great that he protected his wife from his affair, and was willing to hang in there until her libido cycled back- but this is not "monogomish", this is cheating. It would have been a more applicable example had the husband & had a conversation about ways that they could work TOGETHER through that down time. Relationships have ebbs & flows, it takes real strength to work through those.
While I agree in principle, it seems as though there may have been several conversations about "working together through the down time." The down time was five years, and he says she was unable to articulate what she thought the problem was. It seems as though throughout their relationship (and his outside activity), his focus was keeping the marriage intact. Perhaps he knew (or honestly believed) that explicitly telling her he needed to go outside the marriage would end it? There's no mention of children, but I'd imagine that if there were, that factor could weigh heavily as well. I'm just wondering if there's a more generous interpetation of "working together" that might allow for a situation where one partner does what he/she needs to in order to keep sane, even if that means protecting the other from information that there's generally an entitltement to?
"Perhaps he knew (or honestly believed) that explicitly telling her he needed to go outside the marriage would end it?"
Yeah, that's why people cheat. And that's why cheating is wrong. You're depriving your "partner" of their choice.
Happily monogamish here- over ten years married, my husband has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend, and the four of us often have dinner together. We're what's called a "W" in poly terms: my huz and I are primary partners, and our secondaries don't see anyone but us. There's respect, careful scheduling, and courtesy all round. Also a lot of hotness. It's not always a bed of roses (running just one successful relationship can take plenty of work: this can be double the fun but also double the potential headaches) but so far it's been pretty damn great for all concerned.
I'm in a poly relationship after being in monogamous relationships since I started dating 15 years ago.
I never thought I could ever let go of the jealousy thing, but so far having 2 people that love me to pieces has been amazing. I thank Dan for expanding my mind on that :D
Now you say something