I am a 34-year-old straight, single female. I have a fantasy I can't find much about online, so I figured I'd ask you for advice.

My fantasy is to be blindfolded, bent over a table/couch/whatever, and fucked by whoever happens to walk by. I realize this would have to take place in a safe environment, but most sex clubs or parties tend to be for swingers, specifically couples. There's a sex club nearby that looks like it might cater to my fantasy, but can I just walk in off the street and bend over? Do I need to go a few times first and talk to people? That kind of kills the fantasy of it, really. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. — Take A Number

You could probably walk into a sex club and bend over — lord knows some gay men do just that — but it would be a bad idea.

But you can realize your fantasy, TAN, and here's how: most swingers clubs permit couples and single women to attend parties (sorry, single guys). Go to a few parties, keep your pants on, introduce yourself around, find a couple or two whom you click with. Share your fantasy with your new friends and ask if they might be interested in helping you realize it.

And your fantasy is totally realizable — I've seen very similar ones realized once or twice — but the only way to realize your fantasy safely is with a couple of trusted friends hovering nearby. You need someone there who's making sure that men who take advantage of you in your bent-over-and-blindfolded state have condoms on and don't attempt to do anything other than what you've consented to.

Sometimes realizing a fantasy requires a little suspension of disbelief, TAN, so you'll just have to pretend your guardian angels aren't there watching out for you. And if part of what makes the fantasy so hot is being a helpless sex object in a room full of strangers, you can always go with your friends to a different sex club, one where you don't know anyone but that your new friends checked out for you in advance.

I'm a single, straight guy who just turned thirty. Never had a serious relationship, had sex twice. Not for a lack of opportunity, but I wasn't ready for it emotionally until I was about twenty-five. I'm a good-looking guy with a good job. I'm funny, independent, and easygoing. But I feel like there is a wall preventing me from having a relationship. Part of it is that I like having my own space. I like solitude, but I feel like I could let someone in my life and make time for her and go from there. And another part of it is I cannot for the life of me flirt with a girl I find attractive. I can turn a girl I'm not attracted to beet red if I have to, but I get tongue-tied around girls I think are hot.

Now that I feel mature enough to have someone in my life, what can I do to break down this wall I've put up to protect myself? — Lonely One Seeks Ties

P.S. I should probably add that I'm a submissive. Not that I'm looking to be emotionally dominated or anything, but being tied up in a corner and only speaking when Mistress tells me it's okay sounds pretty awesome.

I'm glad you included that postscript, LOST.

Google the term "munch," along with "BDSM" and the name of the city where you live (or the nearest big city if you live in buttfucknowhere). Munches are informal gatherings hosted by and for straight folks into BDSM; most are hosted by reputable BDSM or sex clubs — Orlando Power Exchange, Los Angeles's Threshold Society, Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture — and nothing happens at a munch. No sex, no play, just conversation and lunch. You'll meet other kinky straight folks who are interested in what you're interested in, and you'll be forced to interact with the women there — even the ones who typically leave you tongue-tied.

Serious question here: does putting toothpaste or Bengay or whatever else on one's scrotum cause sterility or have any other negative health effects? — Great Balls Of Fire

Um… nope. It would probably be for the best if the guys who've posted YouTube videos of themselves putting Bengay on their balls were all sterile, GBOF, but most will sadly reproduce.

I'm a pretty hairy dude. I like my hairy chest. I like growing a beard in the winter. I like my hairy arms and legs. The only place that I don't like hair is my crotch. I shave my pubes pretty regularly, but I have long, scraggly, gross hairs all over my balls, which I could really do without. The thought of accidentally cutting myself down there has been a pretty good deterrent from going at it with a razor, and just the idea of putting some hair-removal product like Nair down there makes me wince. I've poked around the internet and haven't been able to find a real satisfactory answer, so I thought I'd turn to my last resort: is there a safe, easy, relatively pain-free way to get rid of this unsightly hair? — Clever Nickname Up To You

Um… nope. Waxing is the way to go, but it smarts.

Your advice for Seriously Troubled Here, the MARRIED MAN whose WIFE made out with another man (who she CLAIMS was gay) was the kind of knee-jerk anti-male bullshit and anti-male bias that straight men have come to expect from therapists, advice columnists, and "sex experts." She gets drunk and flirts with other men and MAKES OUT WITH THEM, and he's the douchebag?

Fuck you and your misandry. Men shouldn't seek your advice because you're clearly incapable of taking their side. You may not like pussy yourself, you cocksucker, but you'll take the twat's side every time. The world doesn't need another asshole "advice professional" who sides with the woman no matter what she does. — Men Against Dan

Excuse me? I'm the advice columnist — I'm practically the only advice columnist — who doesn't automatically leap to the woman's side in a dispute. I'm the guy who tells women that all men watch porn (so get over it or get a dog), that oral comes standard (sucking cock and eating pussy), and that under certain circumstances a husband (or a wife) has a right and a responsibility to cheat (just because you're not interested in sex anymore doesn't mean he has to go without for the rest of his life). You won't get that from Prudie or Amy or Carolyn.

Sorry, MAD, and everyone else who wrote in: I stand behind my advice to STH. His wife was apologetic and recognized that her behavior would have to change because it was, at the very least, deeply upsetting to her husband. She also confessed to kissing another dude, a gay dude, two years before they married, and he was having trouble forgiving her. If the roles were reversed — husband kissed lesbian two years before the wedding and wife couldn't forgive and move on — you can bet your clenched butts that I would've called the wife a douchebag.

For crying out loud, MAD, I've told wives — and husbands — to forgive and forget infidelities. Did you really expect me to tell STH to leave his wife over a kiss?

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.