Sex Advice from . . . Bouncers

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Dump Truck, 27

What’s the best way to have a quickie in a club without catching your eye?
I’ve caught people having sex in dark corners, in bathroom stalls, fucking in the kitchen one time — anywhere they think no one’s looking. Best place: the walk-in cooler. Have them walk in ahead of you or behind you. Take care of business, and lose your load on something you don’t drink.

Have you ever had a quickie in a club?
Over ten or twelve easily. Broke a sink off a wall at my going-away party when I was leaving Memphis to come to Denver. I walked out with half the sink in one hand, half the sink in the other. People were really excited to see me go.

The guy I’m dating is super-nice, but our sex life is lackluster. Are we a lost cause?
It’s never a lost cause. Change things up a bit and give directions. Guys don’t know anything about anything if you don’t give directions. If I’m doing it right, I need to know I’m doing it right so I don’t change it.

I want to do something creative with my pubic hair. How should I style it?
That’s one thing I didn’t like about Australia — every one of them looked like Don King in a leglock. A heart would be good. It’s easy to do. It wouldn’t be out of control and a pain for you and weird for me. If you could do the word "hi" I think that would be funny.

Would you take a first date to a bar or a club?
I took a first date to Hooters once. That’s the only time I’ve ever done something like that. A first date, we would have to talk to each other, and its hard to do that in a bar or club.

Do you think expensive drinks and witty one-liners really help a guy get a girl in bed?
No. I think the girl who wants you to buy the drinks and whatnot is there to have someone buy her drinks. One of the things that I do is, I don’t buy them drinks. They’re waiting for me to ask them, and I’ll just sit there. Maybe after an hour I’ll buy them a cocktail.

Thomas, 21

Is it false advertising to wear a push-up bra?
She’s making the best of what she has — I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I guess it’s different for me because I’m more into personality.

What’s the best way to have a quickie in a club without catching your eye?
You’ve got to watch the bouncer and see how active he really is. Some bouncers just stand somewhere and talk to women all night. Other bouncers are real gung-ho about walking around and watching people. Watch the bouncers, and be quick. Keep moving to different areas. At my old club, there were two thousand people there. You could get away with anything you wanted if you were quick enough.

If I get caught by a bouncer while giving my boyfriend a blowjob, what can we do to avoid getting kicked out?
It really depends on my mood and how I was treated by the individuals. If they wanted to treat me like an idiot, I would be an asshole. If they wanted to treat me with respect, know they fucked up, trying to be real cool and redeem themselves, I was more likely to let them go. I know my coworkers have accepted bribes.

Have you ever had a quickie in a club?
I had a lot of quickies with my girlfriend at the time. We normally didn’t open till midnight, so I had a good three hours to do whatever I wanted and nobody cared. We’d run off, go to the roof, the balcony, the deck, one of the offices or the backstage area to have sex for as long as we wanted.

I left a used condom on one of the couches once. My boss caught me. He took a picture of me without me realizing it. After a while, he had so many pictures of me doing things like that he was going to make me a scrapbook.

I want to do something creative with my pubic hair. How should I style it?
I like it shaven. But you know, any amount of effort a girl puts in, I can appreciate it. A shamrock would be pretty nifty. I have to remember that. I might do that.

Nadia, 22

Do you get a lot of attention as a female bouncer?
I don’t try to get attention, but it happens. I get a lot of guys offering to get searched by me just because I’m a chick. Each guy thinks he’s really clever when he says it, too.

Aside from comments like that, do club patrons respect you as an authority figure?
I find that girls can actually be the more disrespectful ones. I see male bouncers getting into fights with drunk guys all day long and hear nothing more of it. But drunk girls will scream for the manager and threaten pressing charges. There’s definitely a lot more diplomacy involved dealing with other girls.

My current boyfriend is super-nice, but our sex life is lackluster and I’ve been faking my orgasms. What can we do to change this?
Faking orgasms means you miss out in the end. I make sure to get off, even if the guy may not be doing it for me. If that involves polishing myself off, I will. As long as you keep exploring the limits of sex, you should be having fun. If not, you can always do it in the back of a cab to shake things up.

Is it true that someone who’s great on the dance floor will be great in the sack?
The only dancer I’ve ever slept with was a raver, and I don’t really consider a guy dancing by himself with glowsticks a great dancer. But he was okay in bed.

I want to do something creative with my pubic hair. How should I style it?
There are only two things to do: shave it all off, or leave the little cleanly trimmed triangle. Anything more is too much.

What are women more attracted to, quirky personality or money and class?
I’m more for the quirky personality. I’m not just saying that. A lot of guys think they have power with their money, so they won’t try as hard, or if they screw up they figure throwing money at the problem will work just as well. I prefer something more real than that.

Rob, 22

If I get caught by a bouncer while giving my boyfriend a blowjob in the club, how can we avoid getting kicked out?
Introduce the bouncer to one of your friends.

Have you ever had a quickie in the club?
Yeah, in the manager’s office. It’s called perks of the job. It’s very easy if you want it. Everybody loves a bouncer. It’s how they get ahead of lines, how they get in, how they get friends in. You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

Is it true that someone who’s great on the dance floor will be great in the sack?
No. Just because they can shake it, doesn’t mean they’re experienced. Some people, you get them on the dance floor and they don’t know how to dance, then you get them in the sack and they are a freak!

Does flirting with the bouncer help get you into a club?
It can’t hurt. The hotter the girl, the easier it is to get in. Some hot girl with sex references is getting into the club. The best line I’ve heard is, “If you let me in, I’ll give you a blowjob.” That’s my favorite. Another one: “I’ll see you at 3 a.m.”

Have you ever taken anyone up on their offer?
I have taken some of them up on their offer.

Would you take a first date to a club?
Never. I have more class than to just get her wasted. Very classless. First date, its all about impression, and I’m a romantic.  n°

Interviews by Simona Kogan. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .