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Just as Warhol said that everyone can be famous for fifteen minutes, Hooksexup believes that anyone can be a sexpert for at least thirty seconds. This is the first installment of a series in which we ask average citizens — all representatives of a specific walk of life — to school us on various matters down-and-dirty. The following interviews were conducted with ranchers that work in the hills of Central California. Tom, age 59 (shown above) Where's the best place to engage in outdoor sex? Just about anywhere. I've done it in the creek, I've done it on horse blankets. I've done it in the long grass, got thorns in my ass. Hell, once I smoothed out pine needles and threw her down right there. Boy, I tell ya, I've done it all outside. On a horse one time, too. I just had her sit on my lap and got the horse in a trot. Shit, man, it worked real good.
A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What's your advice for him?  Larry, 47Why do women like country guys? 'Cause city guys is pansies, mostly. What's a no-fail seduction line? I dunno. Probably "Let me show you my fingers." [Holds up two remaining fingers on his left hand.] That works? It has done. Where's the best place to engage in outdoor sex? The beach, the woods, maybe in a treehouse. What's the best way to get two women in bed with you? You'll have to ask Larry about that one. Shit. Where you from anyhow? A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him? He should give her to his friend. Okay . . . well, say he really wants to make her come himself. Don't go to bed with your damn socks on. Buy her nice underwear. Like . . . silk. What's your no-fail technique for oral sex? Grab her by the pigtails or ears. How would you react if a woman asked to penetrate you with a strap-on? I'd grab my gun. If she was using it on her girlfriend, that would be a different story entirely. But on me? Well shit, man, that just ain't gonna fly. Do you do that? Haven't yet. Glad to hear it. Shit, you from Massachusetts?  Peter, 39 (far right)What sex tips can city guys learn from the men of the West? Mostly manners. Some real fuckin', probably. I can't say for sure. What's a no-fail seduction line? Tell 'em you got a big truck and a big dick. What should men do to make sure they last all night? Don't drink too much, and don't drink too little. Where's the best place to have sex outdoors? Anywheres no one can see you. What's the best way to initate a threesome? Buy 'em some drugs. A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him? Try lickin' her a little longer, she'll come a lot quicker. What's the best way for a man to maintain his virility? Exercise. Would you be cool with bending over and getting fucked by a woman wearing a strap-on dildo? Not in the least. I'd take the knife from my boot and cut the motherfucker off. Max, 51 (above left) What's the best way to coax a woman back to your place for sex? You just tell 'em, "I got a bigger truck than the next guy and more money." The best place to engage in outdoor sex? It could be on the hood of a Corvette. See, there's not enough room to have sex on the inside of a Corvette. Those sports cars are too small to get laid in, but you get laid just about as soon as you get out. What's the best way to initate a threesome? The most important thing to remember here is that you got to take care not to make the other one jealous. Believe me, that'll happen. Oftentimes it's a recipe for disaster. Still a lot of goddamn fun though, I can tell you that for shit sure. A male friend of mine is having a hard time making his girlfriend come. What would you suggest to him? Take a little more time. Do what you're doin', but take three times as long to do it all. What's a no-fail cunnilingus technique? Give a few minutes of the long licks. Ass to belly button. Then spread her a little wider, lick her a little quicker making sure to keep a constant motion. Maybe dig your chin in her pussy a little bit. Make sure you shave, though. How would you react if a woman asked to penetrate you with a strap-on? Don't listen to those other guys. They'd never admit to it, but I'll bet that if a good-lookin' woman wanted to stick 'em they'd say, "What the hell?" They ain't telling you the whole truth! These motherfuckers lie all the time. There's the truth, and then there's the truth you wouldn't tell in front of your drinking buddies. Ain't that the truth! n° Interviews by Grant Stoddard. Photos by Brian Battjer. Do you have sex-advice questions for video-rental cashiers, record-store clerks, manicurists, actors, or any other members of the general public? Send them to . |
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Commentarium (27 Comments)
oh my god. why is this so funny right now? why am I not wearing my silk underwear?
This is absolutely the funniest thing I have ever read. Keep up the good work!
Damn! That's the most hilarious thing I've read in weeks!!!
Hilarious and explicit. I am not about to mention this to my brother, a NW Montana cattle rancher, married with four kids almost 30 years. As a former barroom binge drinker I can attest to the replies--many women love cowboys and I often saw them make out with cowgirls in Missoula bars and elsewhere. Used to listen to CW ballads, "She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles", "There I am, in the bottom of your glass" by Loveless, et al ad nauseum. The advice on oral sex and threesomes holds water, as I had my share of sexual adventures until I met my soul mate in a library. She likes to hear about them as she sits on me, her hands rubbing my chest as I tweak and toy with her hard nipples, her body slowly rubbing back and forth on Mr Happy. On alcohol? Remember, as one of Macbeths buddies told him, "Alcohol sharpens desire, but too much can dull the performance", or something like that. Check out Alec Baldwin and Angela Basset as Lady Macbeth!!!! in their stage play.
Awwwwwwsome! Funny as shit on a stick! Loved it.
Grant, get the fuck out of SoCal before you become one of them. What's next? Sex advice from the waitresses at the Barstow truck stop?
interesting.
What a great idea for a column. I'm jealous I didn't think of it.
I sure hope you've checked your ps-n-qs on this one -- because boy, if Tom W (who is not, btw a 'ranch hand') were to actually *see* what you've got his name attached to in this surprising interview, and he wasn't trying to be tongue-in-cheek (or else, he just never thought someone who came from his redoubtable Sierra foothill pueblo would read it) -- I suspect you and your reporter (and maybe your photographer) might find themselves in a heap of trouble. (I am delving-- and I'm going to make sure he sees a copy of what you ran here -- to satisfy my own journalistic curiousity.)
keep it up! this is as if not more interesting than anything else you have on here!
i like Hooksexup becasue it injects some reality into sex.
I read this and told my friends about it because it was just sooooo funny. whats up with cattle ranchers and tuchus licking though? Its something new i learned about cattle ranchers and i have Hooksexup to thank for it. To tell th etruth though, ive never really been impressed by men's truck or penis size...
Hey, can I see a cowboy wearing a sock on his dick? And if not, why not? You Hooksexup people are too conservative! Why don't you just stop publishing a website, and go into the device driver business? I'm sure your programmers would be all for that. Programmers love to write device drivers, because theyre so technical and complex, with the assembly languages and the hey hey hey. Oh, what the fuck am I talking about. You can just delete this when you see it, because death is stalking me like the sniper in scarface.
The shadow of the dome of pleasure | Floated midway on the waves | Where was heard the mingled measure | From the fountains and the caves... | Twas a miracle of rare device: | A PCI device driver with caves of ice!
After reading this article and seeing the photos, I have to ask one question: who the hell would actually have sex with these guys? Aside from their immediate relatives, I mean.
So when Em & Lo condemned wearing socks during sex, I thought I could dismiss it as an adament preference of effete New Yorkers that wasn't indicative of opinion's in general -- sort of like their adversity to the tighty-whities. But now apparently even sexually experienced country folk know the socks need to go. I now know that I'm just a huge dork entirely out of touch with America. And I know nobody ever likes explains things to the dorks, but can somebody explain this one to me? What's wrong with socks? Their so innocent and adorable! How can you always rule them out?
That was great! Loved the questions and the answers even more. Too bad they don't have cowboys in nyc! Funny, no bullshit kind of guys, a little grizzly looking but I'm sure they would clean up well.
This is a great idea! I loved these three first interviews, especially the third one. The second one confirms some prejudice we might have about cowboys, but the two others are really surprising and refreshing. Hell, I would even try a little of that Max magic...
Thanks!
awesome article. And for the record I probably would like to hear sex advice from Barstow waitresses. duh. why not?
truly funny stuff. you guys (mostly) rock.
To all my fellow Hooksexup denizens who wouldn't mind finding the equivalent of a cowboy in NYC: take a good look at the construction guys! I'm talking about the so-called "blue collar" guys in unions who work on heavy construction projects. They are rarely uncouth; they get paid pretty well; many are educated, intelligent, funny, and honest; and there are plenty of well-muscled, strong, young, pretty, and horny men (and women). Working on a construction site for over a year, I got to observe and talk to hundreds of those guys, to make friends with several, and to get real close with a few. Construction guys come to a project from all over the country and even from overseas: besides the usual tri-state suspects I saw Texans, Louisiana Cajuns, Okies, Portuguese ex-fishermen, Mohawks from French Canada, blue-eyed Irish hunks from Cork and Kerry, and even a few Japanese from Osaka. Many moved every time a project ended, and some got nookie in every port! Imagine getting these guys to open up about sex!
I would love to see an interview with some steamfitters or boilermakers. (They congregate in diners around lunchtime, and in neighborhood pubs after 5-6pm.)
-jules
this was awesome!! LOL... i could not stop laughing.. I love them simple folks!! so, glad I grew up in the city!
thanks.. can't wait for the next sucker.. I mean.. next issue.
cheers!
This Column was about the best laugh i have had in while...
Thanks for posting it on the Hooksexup.....You know what you should do is ask those questions to a bunch of good ole boys down here where i live..LOL.whew Thanks Again!!!
I guess you mistook truckers, hicks, and rednecks, for 'cowboys'.
If 'cowboys' tag was added to get attention - no argument matters.
If you just don't know - consider the mystique behind a cowboy. It's more to do with a Western gentleman than a roughneck who wants a throw a woman around because he doesn't understand intimacy. Thinking about whether or not any woman would really want to be with these guys, or whether or not these guys' lines would work, seems like an easy enough disqualifier.
God I love cowboys...
I'm from Cowboy territory in Montana and near Wyoming...cowboys are strictly *catch and release* lovers.
ugh.... i cant imagine EVER wanting to let a man like that "grab me by the pigtails". yuck city, but sooooo funny. very good job Hooksexup.
The record store employees were great b/c they were young, but the cowboys were hilarious!!! I love it!
Now you say something