Sex Advice From Turkey Farmers
Q: What can turkeys teach humans about pleasuring their partners? A: Absolutely nothing.
Susan, 38
www.farmgirlfare.com
We're going to be visiting my boyfriend's conservative parents over the holidays. What ground rules should we set regarding intimacy in their house?
Watch your language, and keep the cutesy talk to a minimum. When you're sitting around the table, instead of blurting out what's on your mind — like what you'd really like to be doing to the other person right then — come up with a private code phrase you can whisper to each other. I'd suggest "Gobble, gobble."
What can turkeys teach humans about pleasuring their partners?
Absolutely nothing. With barnyard birds it's business, not pleasure. If you're that desperate for help, I would suggest investing in a few how-to videos (starring people of course).
Can I start up a romantic relationship with my roommate if we're both attracted to each other, or is that just trouble?
Take the extra rent money you'd save if you moved into a one-bedroom together and spend it on a romantic getaway. See how things are between you when you're away from your normal living situation. If the vacation doesn't work out, then you can decide who has to fly the coop.
What's a bit of conventional wisdom about sex that's dead wrong?
That what's good to do in bed is even better when you do it out of bed. Wrong. The whole "roll in the hay" thing is highly overrated and painfully uncomfortable.
Tom Turkeys puff up their bodies and spread their tail feathers to attract females, but the real deciding factor in the female's mind is the length of the male turkey's snood. With that in mind, is a guy with a lot of swagger inevitably going to disappoint when it comes to sex?
It all comes down to performance in the bedroom, not some goofy moves in the farmyard or on the dance floor. It's not the size of the snood, it's the song it sings.
Casey, 28
My boyfriend refuses to let me be on top during sex. He says it's just a personal preference, but I feel like it's a power play. What do you think?
I'd have to question the power dynamics there as well. Maybe he's afraid of feeling emasculated. You need to help him realize that being on top is actually a very pleasurable position.
My girlfriend is a really early riser. She wants sex in the morning, but by the time I want it at night, she's already asleep. How do we reconcile this?
Have middle-of-the-day sex as a compromise.
Turkeys don't practice pair-bonding. How can I convince my partner that we should follow their lead and have an open relationship?
No one should follow others' leads when it comes to relationships. You need to figure out what works best for you and your partner. I'm in an open relationship, and it works perfectly for me. I've had a few successful open relationships, and I found that what's most necessary is open and honest communication. Monogamy is for the birds, even if it's not for turkeys.
Can I start up a romantic relationship with my roommate if we're both attracted to each other, or is that just trouble?
It's perfectly fine — as long as one of you moves out.
My boyfriend recently gained about fifteen pounds, and I feel less attracted to him now. Can I say something?
I think it's a very sensitive thing, and unless you found a very tactful way of doing it, I think it's too rude to bring it up. Fifteen pounds isn't much. If they're getting obese and there are health issues, that's a different story.
Ian, 25
We're going to be visiting my boyfriend's conservative parents over the holidays. What ground rules should we set regarding intimacy in their house?
From my experience dating Catholic girls, nothing beyond handholding in front of the parental units. Come equipped with a sleeping bag so you can pretend to sleep on the couch, basement futon, back porch. If available, barns and tool sheds can make for a nice rendezvous spot. Growing up in northern California, my folks are about as liberal as farmers come. There are no rules about PDA in their house, though there is the unspoken assumption that no sex will take place on the kitchen table until plates are cleared.
What can turkeys teach humans about sex?
In the wild, a group of male turkeys will work together to guard a harem of females, but only one dominant male gets to mate. The rest of the males are blue-balled for life, with the consolation that some of their genetic material gets passed along by their studlier brother. The lesson in all this is that Thanksgiving isn't the only reason to be glad you aren't a turkey, unless you're an Alec amongst Baldwins, or you're eyeing your boyfriend's hotter brother.
My partner has gained weight since we started dating, and now I'm less attracted to him. What should I do?
You should encourage him to get out of his cage and live a more free-range lifestyle. The fattest birds are the ones cooped up in large factory farms, with between 2.5 – 3.5 square feet allocated per bird. I've known some chickens that were so dumb they'd eat everything you put in front of them until they died of gluttony. I'd hope your lover is smarter than that.
I'm attracted to my roommate and I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me, too. Can we transition our roommate relationship into a live-in romantic relationship?
Sure, get it on. If it works out, great — perhaps you can share a room and save on rent. If not, you can always have one of you move out once the destruction has begun, but doing so beforehand would be like picking a fight to avoid one.
Is a guy with a lot of swagger bound to be bad in bed?
Confident lovers are generally better than insecure ones, but a strut can also be a cover for low self-esteem. Just because a guy is confident in getting what he wants doesn't mean he's confident in giving you what you're looking for.
Vladimir, 31 
What's one thing people think is good to do in bed, but really isn't, in your experience?
Massages. I think I give good massages — they're pretty stellar. But the ones I've received, when they pinch your shoulders, it's the worst. You're thinking, "Ow, ow, ow," but at the same time you have to be like "Oh, this is so great!"
My partner has gained fifteen pounds since we started dating, and now I'm less attracted to him. What should I do?
Be straightforward with him. Let him know that the weight is bothering you, and encourage him to hit the hamster wheel and shift some of that cellulite.
How can I convince my partner that we should have an open relationship?
I think open relationships are a good idea when they work, but often people will just go along with an open relationship because they want to please their partner, and they're really not into it at all. Make sure you're not pushing him into something he's really not comfortable with. As far as how to bring it up: delicately.
I'm a carnivore who just started dating a vegetarian. She has a problem with kissing me when I've recently been eating meat. I don't want to go veggie. Are we doomed?
It doesn't seem like that's a reason not to have a relationship. I'd advocate discussing each other's views and having an open discussion. But I think that's lame, the not kissing thing. Meat is in everything. It's in "natural flavors." If you're eating Dannon strawberry yogurt, you're getting meat.
What can turkeys teach humans about pleasuring their partners?
That the right sounds can really turn a guy on. Some people can be so scared and quiet during lovemaking. Be vocal.
